I Love a Plan.... *UPDATED*

Sooooo, today's the day.

I'm trying to not be discouraged that almost exactly a year ago we were seeing our RE for the very first consultation appointment. In the time since that appointment, we've seen peaks and valleys. There have been moments of hope, frustration, sadness, anger, excitement, pain, joy and a myriad of other emotions... but if you're reading this, you already 'get' that roller coaster. You understand, so I'll stop trying to put into words something that really can't be explained, only felt.

As we go into today's appointment, I am excited. Sure there is still the pain of what has happened in the last several weeks, and knowing that it will certainly be talked about kind of makes me cringe, but I'm ready. We knew from the start that this was going to be a rough road, and I am proud of the way we've handled it so far- with faith, courage and perseverance.

I'm excited to see where this journey is going to take us next. I'll be back this afternoon with an update!

Update!!!

Out appointment went great. We started by talking briefly about what happened with IVF #1. We went over my response to the medication, the eggs that were retrieved, eggs that were mature, eggs that fertilized and eventually what we transferred and what we froze. We touched on our short lived pregnancy, which is believed to be due to a chromosomal issue, and then talked about what the options were and potential changes.....

We basically have two options. A fresh cycle or a frozen cycle. We currently have two great (the sheet said 5AAA) embryos in the freezer, and there is absolutely no reason to believe they are anything but perfect. The thaw rate is 80-85% make it through the thaw to transfer- meaning most likely we would end up with both. While this is a very valid option, my doctor encouraged us to consider a fresh cycle given that we're young, able, and know that we want to have more than one baby/successful pregnancy. We had already pretty much decided that we wanted to do a fresh cycle if that was what she recommended, so we were sold.

Given that our # retrieved/# mature/ #fertilized was not exactly what any of us predicted, there will be some small changes to our next cycle. Instead of starting slow on the stim drugs, we will start at a higher dose and taper down instead of moving in the opposite direction, thus hopefully recruiting more from the start. The only other change is she asked me to lose about 10lbs. I don't see this as much of an issue, I've been loosing weight for about the last year without much effort- so I'll just kick it into high gear for the next several weeks and I'm sure I'll get there. No biggy.

So the plan is to have my baseline ultrasound as soon as I get my next period. With that period I'll start a month of birth control for a couple of reasons- 1. to give me some time to loose the weight 2. so we don't end up with a super long cycle pushing out our start date or running into the embryology close period in December. Once that month is complete, I will probably take a few more pills and then start lu.pron. As of right now we are projected to be doing our ER/ET around the first week of December. Which means we will likely be in the midst of daily/every-other-day monitoring right over Thanksgiving weekend. Not ideal, but I would really rather not wait until January!

So that is the plan! The official start of IVF round 2 looks like it will be sometime in October and will span through November and then trickle into December. This of course will all be determined by my current cycle-- and at this point I don't have a whole lot of faith in having a 'normal' natural cycle. In the event that this cycle makes it to the 40 day mark, I'll go in for blood work and start pro.vera. That stuff KILLS me, so hopefully it will not come to that!

Overall, we left feeling very optimistic that we WILL get pregnant again, and that the next pregnancy WILL be successful.

Ahhhh, a plan. I feel so much better :)

Worth It...

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."

-Beth Moore

I often say, victory isn't as sweet without a struggle- I think that fits here. When things are just handed to us, we begin to expect blessings instead of being great full for them. How many times have you thought your fertile friends or family have taken their sweet (and not so sweet) children for granted? And, how many times have you vowed to not do the same with your own children should they (finally!) arrive?

This struggle to become a mama has taught me MANY things, not the least of which is how to be a better parent once my day comes. I've learned there are things much worse to keep me up at night than a fussy baby or piles of dirty laundry. The alternative being tears and heartache or alarm clocks and injections. I for one, would choose a sweet babe (crying or not) any day. However, I'm not sure everyone (especially those who haven't walked in these shoes) would make that same choice.

Sure, there are days when I've certainly 'misunderstood' God. I've been angry with him, asked him countless times WHY this was happening to me. Why I had to have a miscarriage. Why I've had to watch my husband's painful longing to be a daddy. BUT today, He is not misunderstood in this heart of mine. I believe with every ounce of my being that He has big plans for me. Plans that include babies, one way or another. He is preparing me, and my heart for what is to come.....

and with everything we've faced I have a feeling it is going to be BIG and SO worth the wait!

... Its almost Wednesday! I am DYING to get a plan in place- soon, very soon!!

Haha!!

You guys are seriously cracking me up this morning!

So, funny story. Last night after I posted about the toilet seat covers I was telling my husband about the revelation, and he informed me that I'd been doing it correct fr 28 years and NOW I'm doing it wrong. However, his reasoning for doing it the opposite way of what I now consider 'right' was for an appendage that I do not possess.

So, because you all posted some hilarious comments about NEEDING to know, here is what I now consider the correct way to place the cover on the toilet seat..... the part that is still attached goes in the front. It stays in place SO much better when you put it on this way! (one of the comments explains this in more detail)

And yes, it felt like a ground breaking discovery in my drugged state. Life changing.

An Unexpected IVF Lesson....

I was reminded yesterday while in a public restroom of a lesson I learned during my IVF cycle.

Are you on the edge of your seat right now, wondering what the heck I learned in my IVF cycle that I could have been reminded of in a public restroom? I know it sounds crazy and as I was encountering it yesterday, I did laugh to myself a little.

After my retrieval the nurse took me to the bathroom, and because I was still pretty wooozie, she got the toilet all ready for me while I stood there feeling like I may fall asleep standing up. In my drugged state, I managed to have a serious 'a ha moment' when she left the room and I looked at the toilet. I've been putting those covers on backwards for the last 28 years of my life. I've always wondered why they were such a pain and never seemed to stay in place... uh, operator error! Can I just tell you, my public restroom trips are forever changed?

So, there you go- unexpected lessons from IVF... I'm trying not to think about the dollar amount that lesson cost me :)

Less than a week until our next appointment- hopefully we'll have a plan for round two by the end of next week!! I cannot wait!

Hugs!

Over the weekend Tiffany over at PCOS Success! gave me the Virtual Hugger award. Thanks Tiffany! If you haven't made your way over to her blog, you're missing out she is freaking hilarious! I've been following her since before she got pregnant with her sweet, sweet little man, B. There is some TTC comedic gold over there, so get your tushie over there and dig through the archives... she is one funny Mama!

I'm usually pretty lame when it comes to awards and don't pass them along because it feels like I always have something 'more important' to say... yeah, I hear you groaning and rolling your eyes inserting phrases like 'she NEVER has anything important to say!' BUT today for two reasons I'm passing this one along....

1. I really don't have anything important to say. I'm in IF limbo right now, which for the record, I hate. I'll just be here treading water, trying to keep my head above water... feel free to toss me some water wings if you have some handy!

2. I've been feeling the love lately. I've received about a million virtual hugs in the last several weeks, so its time to call those folks out!

I love, love, LOVE getting comments. My top three reasons for loving comments are-

1. It makes this journey feel a tiny bit less lonely. When you don't know anyone in real life dealing with these same obstacles its easy to feel like an outsider.

2. You guys always answer my questions... or tell me I'm not crazy, which is much appreciated!

3. Trough comments I've connected with some great blogs and some great friends!!

So, here's the story.....

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

Alrighty Ladies... here comes the tagging!! I'm not going to come comment on your blogs, because dangit, I know you'll be here reading this!!

1. E at Dreaming of Babies

2. Stephanie at Blawnde's Blawg

3.Michele at Greetings from Nowhere, NM

4. Kelli at Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers

5. LC at Still Dreaming

6. Sarra at A Bittmann Baby Story

7. L at Life with L and J

8. Christina at Praying for a Baby Blessing

9. M at Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

10. Stephanie at The Life of a Husband and a Wife

What Infertile Couples Want and Need....

I read a blog post recently on Pregnant with Hope that seems to like a perfect thing to send along to friends and family who are on this journey with you.

Here's What Infertile Couples Want & Need

I Wanted A Perfect Ending...

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity."

- Gilda Radner

Martina....

Ummm, did anyone watch GMA on Thursday morning?

Martina McBride's new video for 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' was on. The song is about a woman battling cancer and her husband loving her through the hard times, but I could certainly relate to the chorus. My husband has been such a rock through everything we've faced in the last three years, and even more so in the last three weeks. I am very thankful to have such a strong, loving and caring man with me on this journey!

More Needles?

I know I asked for your opinions before IVF #1, but I'm back to ask again. Don't you hate people who ask the same questions over and over???

Acupuncture.

I decided to skip it last time because it just felt like added stress to me. The fertility acupuncturists that are associated with my clinic aren't convenient and I felt like adding another appointment was just going to be more work than it was worth. In addition, it isn't covered by my insurance, so paying for something completely out of pocket when I was on the fence about it seemed like a silly idea.

What's different this time around? Well, in reality not much. I do have some money in an FSA that ended up not being spent on IVF #1 that could go toward acupuncture, but the clinics are still out of the way, and I'm still not a huge fan of needles- especially ones that just sit in your body for awhile. Creeps me out in a big way!

I've heard that it is the most relaxing thing ever and that I will feel SO much better after I just try it, but I'm not big on new things.... especially new things with needles. Yeah, and yesterday I told you that I wanted to do another fresh cycle instead of frozen.. please find my logic and return it to me!

I think my biggest reason for considering it this time around is relaxation. Last cycle I was very, very relaxed, but I have a feeling after the events of the last few weeks I'm stress level may be a little higher the next time around.

So tell me, infertility aside- on a scale of 1 to 10 how much does acupuncture relax you?

Thoughts on moving forward...

As sad as I am about our recent loss, I am ready to move on in our treatment plan. I know I've said it before and I'll say it again- I feel the best when things are moving. I'm a creature of momentum. If I stand stagnant too long, I become complacent and getting going again feels like starting over, which I HATE!

We haven't had our post-cycle meeting with our doctor yet (Aug. 31), but we've already started thinking about where we would like things to move once my body is ready to move forward. I did speak with our doctor quickly last week while she was doing my ultrasound, and she was pretty open to either trying an FET with our two embryos or doing another fresh cycle.

If you had asked me in the midst of our first cycle if I would consider another fresh cycle instead of frozen for our next cycle, I would have simply said no. Why? Honestly, I knew I'd get pregnant. While I was right, it didn't end the way I had imagined. I thought I would get pregnant, have a baby or two and then we'd use our frozen embryos for future pregnancies... never having to face a fresh cycle again.

Here's the thing... it didn't happen that way. Obviously.

So, from where I'm sitting right now, with the option of doing another fresh cycle or an FET, I'm leaning toward a second fresh cycle. I know, glutton for punishment. Buuuuut, I do have several reasons why this seems like the best option for us.

• We have two frozen embryos. There is always a chance that both won't survive the freeze. We absolutely want to transfer two.
• Our insurance "covers" 3 IVF/FET cycles. Both count the same.
• What else would I do with my left over stimulation drugs?
• We know that we would like to have more than one successful pregnancy. If we choose to do the FET and get pregnant, for future babies we will be looking at doing a fresh cycle. I cannot imagine doing a fresh cycle with a toddler or two at home. Talk about stressful!
• Finally, if we decided to do the FET and we didn't get pregnant or worse, had the same outcomes as this time, I don't know if I would have the strength emotionally/physically/mentally to then face a second fresh cycle.

So, it looks like our next step will be to do it all over again. I know it will be hard, time consuming, but more than worth it in the end.

Perfect advice for me...

Yesterday as I was googling my favorite etsy shop thinking about a new piece of jewelry, I ended up on a the personal blog of one of the women who runs the shop. She had recently posted a series on Pregnancy Loss and it was in the third installment that one of the contributors wrote the most perfect advice (at least in my opinion) about grief.

When you want to cry, cry. When you want to laugh, laugh. Don’t make a game plan for your grief. Embrace it, feel it and let it go when it’s ready to leave, however short or long that might be. Know that some days will be better than others, and that when you least expect it, grief will come back to visit.

I think that we often get caught up in how we should be feeling, and forget to just embrace how we are feeling- especially in times of grief. It doesn't matter if you are grieving the loss of a pregnancy, the idea of naturally getting pregnant, the ending of treatments or not having the natural delivery you had hoped for. The truth of the matter is, grief is NOT one size fits all, we all do it differently- at differing speeds, with various emotions and feeling about the future.

Jumping New Hurdles...

Infertility is like running hurdles for the very first time. All the hurdles are there, but until you find your pace- your groove- the flow of the movements, it is almost impossible to gracefully float over those blocks in your path.

Over the past three years I've kind of found my groove when it comes to infertility. Though I didn't always gracefully leap over the hurdles, I did usually clear them even if it meant some tripping on the other side. It wasn't always easy, but each leap felt like I was a little closer to the end.

Miscarriage changes things.

In the last few weeks I feel like I was sent back to the starting line. Thankfully this time I have a little more knowledge about form, grace, courage and how it all works- but there are many strides that feel painfully similar to the first run.

Today I jumped a couple hurdles. It was hard and I was scared about how I might react, but I went flying right over them, no tears, no uneasy feeling in my stomach, no tripping and falling on my face. I did it. I held a baby and I told someone out loud and in person about the miscarriage.

Ahhhh, an amazing feeling. I CAN do this.

Numero Six....UPDATED

Repeat beta number six was drawn this morning and I am more than ready for it to be at zero. One week ago it was 8.9, so let's hope today is the last blood draw! I am ready to be working toward getting pregnant again instead of waiting to get un-pregnant.

In other completely unrelated news... we painted our master bathroom on Sunday. We'd been planning to do it for a long time, but now the time was right and my hands and mind needed to be kept busy! I'm not sure I'm in love with the color but I think once we've picked out matching decor I'll like it more.

*** UPDATE ***

My nurse called this afternoon- my hcg is back to zero, so no more blood work for me. We also scheduled our 'next steps' appointment for August 31st. Our doctor will present our case this week- the practice doctors will review the cycle and brainstorm next steps together. This gives us a couple of weeks to figure out exactly what we would like to do as well as mentally prepare to jump back into IVF.

And because inquiring minds want to know... we painted our bathroom green... avocado-ish.

One Week...

Last night I had a moment. It was the first of its kind, though I'm sure several more will follow. I had to turn down something I wanted to do because in the pit of my stomach I knew I wasn't ready. I hate that feeling. I hate that I can't do the things I want because I am afraid of how I might react.

We were invited to go out to dinner with one of Hubs' co-workers and his family. We are all good friends, and they know about our situation (miscarriage and all) buuuuut, they have two kids under 4. I am actually pretty close with the wife, but she is also one to complain about their kids while always following it up with- 'but I wouldn't trade it for the world.' Kind of like it's free pass to complain because she ends it with a qualifier.

When Hubs first called and asked if I was up for it I said yes, then the panic set in and I had to back out saying I didn't know if I was ready. At first I felt bad because I knew he wanted to go, but then I took a step back and realized a few things....

Everything is not going to be back to normal with the snap of my fingers. Even though I'd really like it to be.

It has ONLY been ONE week since we found out for sure what was happening, though it feels like a lifetime.

Yesterday also presented a little turn of events that was momentarily traumatic. (more on that at the bottom)

And most importantly, it is okay to be completely and totally selfish right now. I've/We've been through a lot, and if I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

***FYI TOTAL TMI- miscarriage related***

I had read a great deal about passing some grey tissue during a miscarriage. I hadn't really seen anything like that, but kind of assumed that because ours happened so early maybe there wouldn't be enough tissue formed to see it. Well, yesterday after I posted about the bleeding being nearly over I went to the bathroom and passed two fairly large clots of grey-ish/red-ish matter. It was one of those moments I will probably never forget- traumatic and calming at the same time. Horrifying to actually see that, but peaceful to know that it was over. No more waiting and watching, no more wondering if it was complete or if I'd have to have some kind of procedure. At this point I'm feeling pretty confident that it is really and truly over.

Almost Over...

I'm fairly sure the physical portion of this miscarriage is over, or at least very close to being over. I am only spotting now, and it seems to be getting lighter and lighter as the day goes on. I am hopeful my beta on Monday will be down to zero so this whole mess can be officially over.

I believe once my hcg level is back to zero we can schedule our post-cycle meeting with our doctor and start thinking about what's next. That appointment can't come soon enough. I hate this feeling of treading water, not really moving, just keeping our heads above the water.

I want to, I NEED to keep moving.

Pluggin' Along...

Just like you've all said over and over... everyday will get a little easier. Most days I wake up and do feel a little better, every once in awhile I have a day were I regress a little, but that's OK... things ARE getting better.

After a couple of good nights of sleep I've been able to accomplish a few things around the house and that makes me feel so much better. It was hard to be sad laying on couch with a messy house, it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING. Even though I absolutely know that I did nothing wrong to make our pregnancy not work out, I was still harboring a little anger at my body for not doing more... being better. After a little sleep I've been able to step back and see things with a rational set of eyes which has been a much better outlook.

I know I am in no way over what has happened. It sucks. It has been a hard, emotional and painful experience- but, just like infertility, it does not define me. It is another difficult hoop to jump through, another cement block in the middle of the road- lucky for us, we've seen things like this before and we know we're strong enough to jump the hoops and push the road blocks out of our way. We can do hard things- over and over.

We aren't quitters... especially when it comes to our babies.

Sleep....

I hadn't realized how tired I was from the events of the last couple weeks until this morning when I woke up after nearly twelve hours of sleep induced by my new friend Tyle.nol PM. I slept so well, finally. I think being mentally and physically exhausted makes this whole process even worse, and today, today I feel like a different person- rested and ready to face the day.

The last few days I haven't been able to accomplish much more than getting dressed, brushing my teeth, eating when I absolutely had to, watching some TV and on most days making my way to the back yard to sit in the sun and read. This morning first thing I took some time to load the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen a little and actually considered rounding up a load of laundry. Its a new day. Its a better day. I know for awhile it will probably 'two steps forward and one step back' but that is OK with me as long as I'm making progress toward that light at the end of the tunnel. I WANT OUT!

As one of my blogger buddies reminds me... and I remind myself every morning, every night and sometimes in-between.... day by day you'll make your way. I believe it- one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Shattered...

Just when you think things are looking up it is like infertility comes up behind you with a baseball bat and breaks you into a million little pieces. That is pretty much the story of last night.

I was feeling pretty good about things. It had been kind of a rough day, but I felt like I was pulling it together. I felt like the start of the physical portion of this process was going to make things feel better- a little less drug out. I was wrong. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't imagine it would be THAT hard.

I lost it last night when I crawled into bed. I was in a decent amount of pain from the cramping and seeing the reality that this is ending was slightly more than I could handle. So, there I sat on the edge of the bed sobbing. I lost it, like completely and totally lost it. As in sobbing, not breathing wondering why on earth this is happening to us- lost it.

It sucked. It was hard, but on the upside, I feel a lot better this morning. Like I've released part of what had been pent up inside. I hate that the tears always come when I'm getting into bed at night, because it means less sleep for both me and my husband, but I can't help it. It is when everything slows down and there is nothing else to think about. I'll get there. I know I will. I need to remember that this is a big, hairy ball of suck, and it is completely and totally ok to be mad/sad/angry/hurt/emotional.

At the same time, I do not want to find myself stuck in this. I want and need to move on at some point- I don't want to live in fear that this same horrible mess is going to happen again. It might, but I'm strong... we're strong, and we can face it.

Because 5 is better than 4.....

Beta five. At this point we are just watching the level until it reaches zero, but these every other day blood draws are starting to make me look like some kind of addict.

Today's blood draw was accompanied by a quick appointment with my doctor for an ultrasound. She said she wasn't totally certain that the ultrasound was necessary, but it would give me a good indication of what to expect and we'd be able to make sure my ovaries were shrinking back down to a normal size. Everything looked fine and she was able to tell me to expect a decent amount of bleeding given the thickness of my lining.

As I was sitting there waiting for her to come in, I noticed that the ultrasound machine was set to "early OB" ... low blow. I know that is technically what this ultrasound was, but it still stung to see it on the screen when I knew we would not be seeing a baby on that screen. My doctor also warned me before we even started the ultrasound that she had no intention of seeing anything. She admitted that her main reason for keeping my ultrasound appointment was to being to check in with me on how everything is going- make sure I wasn't having any abnormal symptoms, pain or depression.

She was very candid with me and told me that she was pretty disappointed that it didn't work out the way we'd all hoped. She did however remind me that we've learned a lot from this cycle and it is steps in the right direction. We talked briefly about the options that are ahead of us, but both agreed that no decisions need to be made just yet. After my beta is down to zero and the bleeding has stopped we'll figure out a time to sit down with her and talk about what is next. I am hopeful that since this was such an early loss that we won't need to wait too long before we try again.

My nursed called and left a message after my appointment with my beta level, 8.9. I am thankful it is dropping quickly. I know it would be hard for me to go in over and over to have it drawn. As it is, today was number five and next Monday I'll be back for number six.

When I got home from my appointment today I noticed that I had some bleeding. I wondered at first if it could have been from the vaginal ultrasound, but I've since decided that this is it. It is bittersweet in that I hate this is the end of a very short lived pregnancy, but at the same time I feel like it is impossible to begin picking up the pieces of the last couple of weeks until this is officially over.

I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow with an update and the story of the poor receptionist that put her foot in her mouth (perhaps all the way down her throat!).... it is a good thing she is my favorite!!!

Change of Scenery...

After a major roller coaster of a week, my husband announced on Thursday that we would be getting out of the house this weekend. After all, he'd been doing a lot of reading about how to be a supportive husband in this type of situation, isn't he just the best?!? His research all agreed on two things... change of scenery and making sure you're available to your partner.

Friday night we decided the drive-in would be our activity. Given that "dark" isn't until close to ten the first of the double feature was ending right around eleven. After the week we'd had we were both exhausted, and although it probably wasn't the best $16 we've ever spent it was somewhere other than home, and we both got a good nap in. After the first movie I was ready to go, so we skipped out on the second movie knowing we wouldn't be leaving until after 1am. Mission accomplished- out of the house and a little distraction.

Today we decided we would head up toward the mountain and check out a resort that we're considering for a vacation in a few weeks once all of this is over. We ended up driving around the mountain and picking up some delicious fresh fruit, watching a little kite boarding and windsurfing while we had lunch. After lunch we headed back toward the city, where traffic was a bear and we ended up taking a HUGE detour- stopped at a park, nearly ran out of gas, decided to watch a movie (Crazy, Stupid, Love is a cute movie) and then stopped for Thai food at our favorite place on the way home. It was a great day, all things considered.

I can't say that the reality of life right now didn't cross my mind, of course it did, a lot. But, today I was also reminded that I do have a pretty amazing life and a more amazing husband. Sure, we've reached another dose of heartache, but with each one that we've faced in the past we have grown in big ways and we have always come out on the other side. Always.

I'm not sure what tomorrow's outing will be, but at some point someone is going to have do the dishes and a load or two of laundry... maybe. Maybe we'll just enjoy each others company instead :)

Beta five is scheduled for Monday. It was originally going to be accompanied with an ultrasound, but my nurse said that probably wouldn't be necessary given that my beta was already dropping. So, we'll see. I think we've made our preliminary decisions about what we'd like our next step to be, but of course nothing will be finalized until after our WTF appointment in a couple of weeks.

Another day, another beta....

There isn't much to share at this point.. I had a fourth beta drawn this morning and I haven't yet heard what the number was. I'm assuming it has gone down even farther than Wednesday's test because my symptoms seem to be fading (or maybe I'm not trying too hard to notice them). I'm still taking both progesterone and estrace, so I'm doubtful that I'll begin bleeding before those are stopped and out if my system. I'm assuming that those will be stopped on Monday after the confirming ultrasound, if indeed the assumptions are correct.

I spoke with my doctor just briefly this morning when I was in for my blood work. She passed by when the nurse was drawing my blood and asked how I was doing. She agreed that my betas were absolutely not normal, but had a little hope that possibly there were two initially growing and now there is only one. She also mentioned the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, but said it would be hard to be sure about anything until our ultrasound on Monday. Today's beta results will give us a little more information, though.

I'm beginning to come to terms with what is happening, and I feel a lot better about everything today. I know my attitude may change again once the actual physical process begins, but for now I'm able to look at the situation relatively rationally knowing there are positives to be seen even in a horrible situation.

For me, it's been helpful to begin thinking about the next cycle. I'm not sure how long we'll have to wait, and I'm in no hurry, but the prospect of 'doing something' is some how refreshing right now. Maybe its because I feel so helpless right now, not knowing what is going on and being able to do nothing to change the outcome.

We knew from the beginning that this wouldn't be easy and that we'd likely have to fight to get our family... this Mama is not ready to give up yet! I still have a lot more fight left in me. I'm strong. I'm persistent. And bottom line, I'm going to MAKE this happen.

Again, thanks for all of the well wishes and prayers this week. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but we're getting through it one step at a time.

** Just as I was about to publish this post the clinic called with today's beta results... The news is not good. My beta has continued to drop (I didn't ask for the level) so as of today I am to stop all medications and wait to miscarry. My nurse said that it would most likely be similar to a heavy period and to call if the bleeding is extreme. They will follow my beta until it reaches zero, but with it not being too high now and already dropping, I'm hopeful that it will move quickly.

My nurse also explained that our case will now be reviewed by the other doctors in the practice and together they will determine what the best course of action is from here on out. We'll expect to have an appointment to go over those finding sometime in the next several weeks.

I am so not looking forward to the next several days, but it is my hope that it will happen quickly and relatively painlessly. As much as I didn't want it to end this way, I'm glad the waiting is over.

Potpourri of Emotions...

The range of emotions I'm feeling right now is vast. I'm trying to address each as it comes up, but it seems like just as I've figured out what I'm feeling, another emotion is coming to the surface.

I think the first was just plain sadness, an overwhelming sadness that I've never felt before.

Then came the anger. Why is this happening to me? How could we go through SO much and end up here, losing our baby?

Next came fear- if this pregnancy isn't viable, it is somehow going to have to leave my body... how can I bare to watch that happen? Am I physically, emotionally, mentally strong enough to do this?

Then came the emptiness where just a week ago was overflowing, the joy that once was here for one perfectly amazing week, is now replaced with the feeling of nothing, emptiness.

Followed by a feeling I'm not sure how to name- maybe robbed it fitting. I'm so mad that now after all we've gone through, seeing two lines will never again bring the same simple joy that it did a week and a half ago. Even a positive beta won't leave me jumping (carefully) for joy. I will forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad news to come. For someone to tell me my baby is going to die.

I've always said that infertility leaves a person jaded... this experience brings that to a whole new level.

If I'm being completely and totally honest, in the past I've felt like women who are either having a miscarriage or have had one were a little dramatic. I guess I was always coming from that idea of, it wasn't meant to be, or it wouldn't have been a healthy baby. I'm here to tell you, I was wrong and I'm sorry, so sorry I ever thought that. This is not something you can't even imagine unless you've gone though it. It is about a million times more painful than I could have ever thought.

Women (or at least I'm guessing most women and surely the vast majority of infertile women) fall in love with their growing baby from the moment they know its inside of them. Healthy, or unhealthy it doesn't really matter- that baby is growing inside of them and will someday, hopefully, be birthed from their body and become all the things they've dreamed about. The tiny pitter-patter of feet running down the hall, shrieks and giggles coming from the backyard, bedtime hugs and kisses or most simply the person that will make them a mommy.

Miscarriage is like having all of that ripped from your hands... from your tight grip... while you scream and cry... and wish for nothing more than for someone to give it all back.

But they don't.

And they won't.

At least not this time.

Not Looking Good...

Today's beta was 124, down from Monday's beta of 157.8.

Beta hell continues on Friday with a fourth draw.

Hopefully the final stop in this nightmare will be the ultrasound Monday afternoon.

I can't believe this is happening.

Pregnancy Purgatory Day 3....

I feel like I'm living in a complete daze.

I'm reaching the point of being numb.

I'm sad that this may not work out, and that our joy may be so short lived.

Sitting in the clinic's waiting room today was a completely new and different experience. Before this cycle it always just felt indifferent, kind of neutral. On Monday it felt pretty amazing- I was pregnant! Today as I sat there knowing that the blood that would leave my body in a matter of minutes would change everything it was kind of ominous. Meanwhile a happy couple who was obviously there for their first pregnancy ultrasound spoke loudly of their success and their baby/babies. Note to self: when I'm in their position, remember where I came from, and remember my peers who are sitting in the waiting room with me.

Now I'm home. Waiting for the news that will surely cause tears either way. I'm not sure that this beta will give us a definitive answer, but I'm hopeful it will allow us to start processing in one way or the other. I've cried so much in the last two days that I'm not sure I have anymore tears left in me.

Pregnancy Purgatory....

Pregnancy purgatory, beta hell... whatever you want to call it, it's horrible. The pregnancy symptoms remain, which are horrible reminders that today I'm pregnant, but tomorrow I might might not be. I might lose this baby, and it is painfully hard to come to terms with that.

I was ok yesterday until hubs came home from work. I'd only cried a few tears, but once he was here I lost it. I spent a good hour sobbing- Wondering how we could have the best week of our lives, followed by potentially one of the worst. Thinking about how just this once we spent one week not jaded by infertility, we lived as if this was a normal healthy pregnancy. If this doesn't work, we will never get to feel this way again- we'll be back to guarding our hearts.

Finally the tears stopped long enough to eat some dinner and watch some shows from our dvr, but almost instantly after crawling into bed it all started again. This time the tears were from many places, but mostly fear that if this pregnancy doesn't last, and we lose that baby that we are already completely in love with, I am going to have to watch as this baby leaves my body. And THAT is not something I'm prepared for.

I'm sure I'll be completely useless today. As much as I'd like it to be Wednesday at 9 am so I can get an answer, it scares me to death. There are a few (very few) success stories out there where these kinds of things happen and go on to produce a healthy pregnancy, but the overwhelming majority end in heartbreak and I'm trying to at least semi-prepare for that.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. I'll update tomorrow after we know more. Until then, I think I'll just sleep.

Not the news I was hoping for....

I spent most of the morning enjoying the blissful fact that I'm pregnant, and while that hasn't changed, we're not overly certain that it is going to progress from here.

I had my second beta this morning, four days after the first. It was 106 last Thursday and theoretically, it should have quadrupled since then. We were looking for anything over 400. Unfortunately, today's beta was only 157.8.

For now, I am supposed to continue taking my medication and have a third beta on Wednesday. I am trying to stay positive at this point, but it is so hard not to think the worst. So now, I'm finding myself in pregnancy limbo... not sure what the future is going to hold.

Please pray that things look better on Wednesday... and for the next two days to pass quickly- right now Wednesday seems like like years away.