Friday, September 30, 2011


It just arrived in my inbox and I am so stinking excited to have it!

Looks like we are going to do BCPs a little longer than we did last time in a effort to not have a monitoring appointment/ER/ET over the Thanksgiving holiday, which is fine with me! I'll start stims the Saturday after Thanksgiving, with double the fol.listim I was on last time! Our projected ER will be the first week of December.

The dates really could not have worked out better- we'll be able to celebrate Thanksgiving (and shop Black Friday!) with our families and we'll also be able to slip in as one of the final cycles before the closure!

The only part that freaks me out a little is we will find out just days before Christmas. While I am totally optimistic that we will get pregnant again, I'm not sure if we'll tell right away... it will be crazy hard to keep that secret! And, God forbid, I'm not pregnant- we'll be spending the holiday with my sister-in-law who will be about 35 weeks pregnant at that point. BUUUUUUTTT, I'm not going to think about that part right now :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Baseline complete!

Even with the lightest shortest period EVER I still start birth control tomorrow. The plan is to take it for three weeks, have another period and then do a couple weeks of BCP to start the suppression phase of IVF round two!

In the meantime I'll work on losing a little more weight ( I still have one more pound of prov.era weight to lose... LAME!) to hopefully be even more prepared for pregnancy this time around....because I FULLY intend to get pregnant again.

On my way to the clinic I saw a mom pushing a triple stroller.... Cue slight foreshadowing of my future and a moment of not breathing! The likelihood of me getting pregnant with triplets is pretty slim, but it kind scares the crap out of me!

Oh, and the first of the Sock Chronicles:

The ultrasound went great- no cysts, a nice thin lining as it should be and little resting follies.  After the ultrasound with my doctor I met with my nurse- everything is starting to move in the right direction! We went over the next several weeks and I should get my tentative calendar either the end of this week or early next week- so exciting! It sounds like I wont have another appointment (or sock picture!) until my suppression check in mid November.

And just so I have a record: FSH- 6.6 and E2- 42

Quick weekend recap...

The weekend... it was great. I needed to get out of town and the trip ended up being more than I could have asked for. I spent time with friends, some time relaxing and a lot of time just quietly reflecting on everything that has happened in the last few months.

My good friend gave me a little token to remember our first little babe. Since we would have been due in April she gave me a clear bead for my necklace, which goes perfectly with my 'I can do hard things' charm. Love it!

As I already shared, we spent a day at the beach. After getting over the fact that there are some hard memories in that place, I had a really great time. There is just something about sitting watching the waves roll in that just calms me. It was exactly what I needed.

On Sunday I met up with my parents and went to church at the church I grew up in. The final hymn that we sang was one I don't ever remember singing in the past. While I wasn't a huge fan of the tune- the lyrics could not have been a more perfect ending to my weekend.

Lord Jesus, You Shall Be My Song

Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I journey. I’ll tell all my brothers about you wherever I go. For our life and our peace and our love is Yourself. Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I Journey.

Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey. May all of my Joys be a faithful reflection of You. May the earth and the sea and the sky Join my song. Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey.

As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant, To carry your cross and to share all your burdens and tears. For you saved me by giving your body and blood. As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant.

I fear in the dark and the doubt of my Journey. But courage will come with the sound of your steps by my side, And with all of my brothers you’ve saved by your love, We’ll sing to your dawn at the end of our Journey.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

And so it begins......

I'm feeling really hopeful about our upcoming cycle, and although I'm not drugged up and hormonal yet, this commercial gets me every.single.time. I love it. 

And an update-  I FINALLY started my period today! I'll call the clinic this morning and find out whats next. I know I'll start birth control on Thursday, but I'm unsure if I need to go in for a baseline since I was just in a week and a half ago for an ultrasound. Even though we're doing a full BC cycle before we start BC for IVF, reality is setting in that this is all starting again. This next month will be very similar to what May was for our first cycle, and while May seemed to drag on, I spent a lot of time worrying that my cycle would go on forever and IVF would get pushed back. Since we're doing a month of BC, we can be fairly sure when everything will happen moving forward. As of today our chart should be making its rounds through the clinic, drugs should start being ordered, insurance should be notified, our calendar should be created.... EXCITING!!!

So, here we go. There is no looking back now. Again, just like our first cycle, I am oddly calm about the whole thing. I'm taking the 'what will be, will be' approach and trying not to stress about the outcome when we haven't even started yet. I'm sure some anxiety will come, but less about the process more about the results. For now, I just keep reminding myself that I did it before and I can do it again... all of it. I'm strong. I'm tough. I'm not a quitter. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Crossing Bridges

You know the saying "I'll cross that bridge when I get there"? Well, there have been a lot of those after all of the happenings if the last summer. I've chosen to deal with feelings as they arise, and not worry about the feelings that may go with a situation/day/event until it happens, because really, even I don't have any idea what is going to be a trigger.

Well, I crossed a bridge this weekend. I'm not sure I ever shared how we told our families that we were expecting, in fact, I'm pretty sure that post is sitting in my archives as a draft. Anyway- Hub's parents were out of town about an hour from our hometown and about 4 hours from where we now call home. We drove there the night of our first beta. It's a place we'd both spent a lot of time growing up, and hadn't been in years. Well, just a little over 8 weeks later, I went back. As we drove down the road where his parents were staying when we told them, it kind of took my breath away- but truth be told, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I sat on the beach for a couple of hours just thinking about it all. And I felt at total peace. I was able to think and truly believe this is part if my story, part of the plan, something that I'll grow in big ways from, something that has already changed my heart in big-never-going-to-forget kinds of ways.

I'm not saying the hard days are a thing of he past, but I AM saying I've crossed another bridge and dangit, I'm proud of myself! BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop


I'm a collector of socks. I have a thing for new socks. Something about putting on a nice, fresh, brand new pair of socks just makes everything right in my little world, at least for a moment. For this reason, I wear a new pair of socks for every fertility treatment, and often for all of those wand appointments that lead up to one. The socks don't have to be expensive or really anything special (never white) but they do have to be new. All this to say, I'll be chronicling IVF #2 with pictures of my socks from every appointment.

Because I'm sure you care. What's that? You don't, not even a little?

Too bad, its my blog and I'll do what I want!!

So there.

When I have an appointment I choose my socks first, and then build my outfit around the socks. Stop thinking my crazy, some people build their outfit around boots.... when it's 95 degrees outside :)

Friday, September 23, 2011


“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” 

 Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, September 22, 2011

What should have been...

I should be twelve weeks today. I should be at that magical point in my pregnancy where it is 'safe' to share the news openly. The point where you no longer need to be selective about what you say and who you tell. I've been looking forward to this day for years. Sharing our happy news. Instead there is nothing to tell, we lost our baby 6 weeks ago.

It sucks.

I'm getting out of town for a few days. I need a change of pace, and change of scenery. I need to deal with these feelings and I'm thinking a nice long drive with the windows down and the music turned up just might be the perfect medicine.

Don't get me wrong, the good days far out number the hard ones. It feels weird when a wave of hurt or sadness comes, because honestly for the most part, I really am doing well. I spend most days happy, looking forward to everything that is on the horizon for us. I think that is why it catches me so off guard- I have a new normal, and it isn't sadness.

So, excuse me while I step away for a few days. I'm going to spend time with a girlfriend I've known since elementary school. She just gets me, she knows the whole story and although she hasn't been in this exact situation, she certainly knows heartache, hurt and a struggle. Her faith is amazing, and I'm sure she'll be exactly what I need right now. Hopefully I'll return with a renewed spirit and a heart that is ready to take on all of the exciting things that are heading our way in the next several weeks. I'm confident I will. I just need a little time.

And one more thing... I've now called our insurance company NINE times about the same claim.... from MAY! Nine times. If it isn't fixed this time I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously. I felt a little sorry for sweet Megan on the other end of the phone line yesterday because she was on the receiving end of my frustration from the previous 8 phone calls... but for the love, what is it going to take?!?! A TRIAL embryo transfer does is not equal to a FULL A.R.T cycle. I know that you have no idea how big of a deal this is, but FIGURE IT OUT!

Ahhhhh, much better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

Ok.. maybe one more thing, Prov.era and weight gain? In the past I've taken prom.etrium and I don't remember having this issue. I was losing like 2 lbs a week, and now this week I'm up FIVE! It is killing me. I don't know that I've ever gained on fertility drugs- hopefully when I swallow the last pill tonight it will all magically melt away. Anyone else have this problem?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Looking Fear In The Face

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” 

 Eleanor Roosevelt

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. Sure, in the moment... or days or weeks, it is hard. Unbelievably hard. BUT, once you've climbed that mountain and seen where you came from, you find something within yourself that you didn't know was there before. Something beautiful, something inspiring- something STRONG!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


“You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” 

 Eleanor Roosevelt
This is one of those that I KNOW to be true, but feel free to remind me of it from time to time :)

Sooo, I'm 4 days into 7 days of prov.era and so far so good. So far, I've only had one night of comical sleep talking which included apples, spurs, pony hair and a white cord. Never a dull moment in the bedroom of an infertile..... Bahahah!!

Monday, September 19, 2011


“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” 
 Eleanor Roosevelt 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Stepping Stones

“A stumbling block to the pessimist is a stepping-stone to the optimist.” 

 Eleanor Roosevelt

There are hurdles on this journey, you're lying if you say there aren't, but as I've said before, with each one you find your groove and it makes the next one a little easier to leap over. Stepping stones... I'm pretty sure my path of these things might just make it across the country by now :)

Saturday, September 17, 2011


“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.” 
 Eleanor Roosevelt 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Because you're waiting....

I'm posting from my phone, so please pardon my auto correct misfortune :)

I know you all are sitting around pushing refresh over and over waiting to hear how the rendezvous with the wand went, who am I kidding, I'm really the only one who cares!!!!

Buuuuuut, just in case you do care, it all looked totally normal in there. My ovaries have shrunk back down to a normal size, there are no cysts, the largest follie measures 6.5mm, and my lining is 6mm. All totally normal.

So, what does this mean? Prov.era! Rad, I can hardly wait! If I weren't writing this post on my phone I'd direct you to a comical little post about my misadventures with this kind of drug in the past. The bright side is that I'm only taking it for 7 days instead of the previous 12. Oh well, at least I can count on the best sleep if my life for the next week!

Oh, did I forget to mention that before I start taking this little gem I am supposed to first take a HPT? I laughed at the nurse practitioner when that came out if her mouth, but I will comply fully expecting a single line and a lot of white space!

This all means today's trip to tar.get ended with drugs to start my period, a package of birth control pills and a box of pregnancy tests.... Talk about a walking contradiction!!!!! BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop


Ha, hardly a "prize", but my missing period has won me a trip to the clinic this afternoon for a hot date. The Wand. Hopefully all is well in there and we can get this show on the road. The only good thing about all of this, is it just might push our IVF cycle back a tiny bit and we may be able to find ourselves surrounded by family at an actual table on Thanksgiving, rather than eating turkey TV dinners from the laying position on bed rest. More importantly, it might mean Black Friday shopping for me.... watch out folks, hormonal woman with giant ovaries coming thru!!!!

As always, I'll be back with the update!


“Every time you meet a situation you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before.” 
 Eleanor Roosevelt 

After reading the quote for the first time I said YES! with a huge grin on my face. The last couple of months have been hard, but this is absolutely how I feel. I lived through what was undoubtedly the hardest thing I've ever done- and I made it. After days of wondering if we'd find our way out, we did, and with it came strength and courage to do other hard things. 

Speaking of doing hard things... I ordered a necklace for IVF #2. For our first cycle I wore a necklace that said HOPE. When we paced the first order last spring I was torn between 'hope' and 'I can do hard things'... and after the last couple of months I am sure the second sentiment is TRUE. It should arrive early next week and I'll be sure to post of picture then!

Thursday, September 15, 2011


“You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give” 
Eleanor Roosevelt

After all, isn't that all we can do? I've found that meeting things head on and enduring the pain in real time instead of pushing it to the side to be dealt with at another time when I'm "ready" is really the best way to handle the rough patches. Courage isn't always easy to come by, but I find if I dig deep, its always there.

And now, on a completely unrelated note, I give you the gift of laughter. Perhaps blocked on your work computers, but really isn't that the way with all the truly comical stuff???


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Any day now...

Seriously- cycle day 38. Any day now, Flo... any day.

When we met with our RE at the end of August, she said to give her a call if I made it to cycle day 40. Though I thought it was a pretty big possibility, I was REALLY hoping to bypass the whole period via progesterone thing. And let me just say it before you all ask... I'm not pregnant. First, it would seriously be pretty close to immaculate conception and second, do I really need to direct you to our track record of the last three years?!?!?

Here's wishing she shows up before Friday, otherwise I'll be posting from a drug induced coma for ten days... which, now that I think about it, could be pretty fun for all of you :)


I'm a lover of words. An entire day or week can be changed for the better when the perfect passage or quote is placed in front of me. Sometimes they appear, sometimes I seek them out, always they change my heart. Over the next several days, I am going to just be posting quotes. I'm sure some days I will have something more to say, but you can count on at least a quote. I've found a wealth of inspiration from the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, and I think her words are worth sharing. I think today's quote is a perfect piggyback to Monday's post...

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.” 
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Monday, September 12, 2011

Two Things...

I am currently in a very weird place. A place I haven't really been before. I just went through a pretty traumatic experience, but I've come out the other side much different than I ever expected I would. And, obviously much different than other people expected too. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of comments both on my blog and in real life that I'm being too hard on myself and rushing through the grieving process. I've heard that we shouldn't rush into anything, and that it will take me a long time to get over this.

Here's what I'd like to say to those people... shut your mouth. I know they are all well meaning, but I'm not one to put on a show. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say I'm ready, it is because I am.

Let me assure you I screamed and cried, I yelled and asked why this had to happen to us. I sat in my backyard for days on end just waiting to feel something to let me know that life was going to continue moving forward. That's how I did this. I met the pain and suffering head on- I lived it 24 hours a day, no distractions. And at a certain point, it is time to start picking up the pieces. For me that came in the weeks following my miscarriage, for others I know it takes longer-- but, I urge you to remember it is different for everyone. Let it go when the time comes, when you're ready. It doesn't matter if that day comes weeks or months later- you'll know.

In my house growing up it was common to hear the phrase 'crying isn't going to change anything.' Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if we were not allowed to cry or that is was discouraged, but it was the reality of the situation. Though letting out some tears may make you feel better, crying isn't going to physically change things. It will not bring your cat back from the dead, it will not change your punishment, it will not make your wedding plans go more smoothly, it won't bring your boyfriend back from his job across the country, and unfortunately it will not make my first IVF cycle turn out any differently.

At a certain point I had to stop being angry about what didn't happen and begin accepting what did. And let me tell you, that made all the difference. It wasn't that I needed to 'get over' what happened, I will probably never be really over it- instead I needed to accept it. I needed to cognitively understand that I was pregnant and then we lost it. And all the while, I needed to focus on the first part. That I WAS pregnant- a huge success, something we had never reached in three years of trying. Obviously I didn't want it to end as it did, but I want to remember those sweet days with a smile instead of a bitter taste in my mouth- that little life deserves that, and so do I.

I spent days feeling guilty for being happy, because it was obvious other people thought I should still be hurting. It made me feel like I was wrong to start moving on. It made me feel like I hadn't been sad enough for long enough. Like I hadn't loved my baby enough. But then, then my rational side set in, and with that I thought to myself those people can go fly a kite (not even close to the REAL thought I had, but lets leave the profanities out of it). It is ridiculous for anyone else to lay expectations on my grief, and it is even more ludicrous for me to feel guilty because of what someone else thinks, especially in this situation. It was time for me to let grief go, and trust the author of my story.

All of this long drawn out post to say two things....
1. Please don't tell someone how its going to be- it is different for everyone. Support your peers, don't judge them. Tell them what helped you and encourage them by telling them you've been there, but you made it. Don't make a difficult time harder by putting stipulations on their feelings. That is far from helpful. Meet them in the midst of the suck and just be there.

2. I'm content with where we are right now, and it feels amazing!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A quote worth sharing....

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

- Elizabeth Kubler Ros

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Help...

Over the weekend I met a friend of mine for dinner and a movie. She'd had a rough day, and when she asked if I wanted to see a movie I decided I'd let her choose. She chose The Help. I had been really wanting to see it, but had been terrified to actually do it, because I'd heard there was somewhat of a traumatic miscarriage scene in the book/movie in addition to a hint of infertility/RPL. I told my husband what we were seeing and he looked at me like I was crazy. He knew why I hadn't wanted to see it previously and was nervous I would get upset. I responded with flexed muscles..."I'm strong, I can do this."

I could, and I did. I refuse to allow myself to not do the things I want to because it might be hard or it might hurt. Those feelings are real and are meant to be felt, sheltering myself from them will not make them go away. As I told my husband, there are a lot of things I'm scared of, most of which aren't nearly as bad as I make them in my mind. This was one of those times. I would have reacted more had I not been waiting for the scene- the moment still took my breath away, it was one of those weird moment when for the first time you 'get it.' I hadn't been there before, I had never watched someone go through a miscarriage and been able to really empathize with them. Another lesson learned.

Miscarriage aside, the movie was amazing. The story was well done- the perfect balance of serious and hilarious moments. Although infertility has nothing on the painful struggle the women in this story faced, I couldn't help but connect the dots between the two over and over again. I guess what I've said for years really is true- a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. Though we may rank them in our minds- and may feel like no one else knows what we are going through, everyone knows hurt. Just because it isn't the same hurt doesn't mean they can't empathize with you at least on that level. I will likely never know what it feels like to be asked not to use the bathroom inside someone's home because they don't want to risk catching something from me, but I do know what it feels like to be pushed to the side in conversations because I couldn't possibly know how hard motherhood is-- even if un-motherhood is 500 times harder.

Maybe it is ridiculous to compare the two, and honestly it feels a little silly even as I type, but that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly isn't going to start now.

And the end, well it made my heart sing....

It's gonna be a long, long journey. It's gonna be an uphill climb. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be some lonely nights... but I'm ready to carry on. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I have a bunch of posts floating around in my head, but when I sit down to write, the words just seem like a jumbled mess without much of a point. Arg. It always feels so good to write- let it all out, allow myself to get rid of everything that is sitting just below the surface and a few things that are buried deep down, but I just can't force it.

So in the meantime, I'm cleaning my closets. Does that make anyone else want to start singing that horrible Eminem song? No, just me? Moving on. I'm purging all of the stuff that we just don't need, like vitamins and cough syrup circa 2006. And more importantly, I'm moving several things from my sewing room into our two hall closets. Someday soon (she types while holding her breath) that room will be having a serious transformation, and I'm getting a head start. I know it is coming, I can feel it.

So, at the moment the doorway to the sewing room looks like a fabric store just vomited, but like I said in one of my last posts, sometimes it has to get messier before it gets put back together. Story of my life.... my lovely, lovely life.

Which brings me to some posts that maybe I'll find words for in the next few days....

Why do I feel so content?

The Help...


Getting it...

Don't cross an infertile...

A quote worth sharing...

Simple things make my day...

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Life's A Mess...

I was recently thinking about how life gets incredibly messy sometimes. At times it is just life in general that get busy, other times it is people that get in the way, it can be money, jobs or your health and then there are times when all of these things gang up on you at once. Been there? I think we all have.

In the moment it is hard to see how this could ever be part of the 'plan'. How this could ever have been intended for your life. How this could be a 'teachable moment' or 'growing pains' for something later, something bigger, something better. It is hard to see the big picture.

You know when you cleaning a room, like REALLY cleaning a room, and it gets messier before it gets clean? I think the same often goes for life (and infertility) in a lot of cases. Although I'd love to say when times are tough (or messy) we can just pick up the pieces, put them where they belong in the puzzle and before we know it we'll be facing a beautiful picture. That just isn't the way life works.... at least not my life.

But, if you can step back from the mess far enough, removing the emotions that go with all of the pieces I think we can all agree our lives are a pretty beautiful mess. Each piece makes us who we are. Each out of place morsel has taught us something. Some of those lessons are hard, and at times it is hard not to resent the pieces that taught us those hard lessons. But regardless, it is a piece- a little nugget that makes you, you.

I assure you, there is beauty in the mess. Step back. Look for it. Its there. Someday, it will not look like such a mess- but it takes time. Wait it out. Be patient (bahaha!). Brighter days are ahead.

And just when you are about to get the last piece of the puzzle in place, I promise you, life will get messy again. But this time, you'll know how to deal with it better and perhaps it will be easier. Even if it isn't easier, at least you'll know you will come out the other side, because you did last time. A little battered and bruised, but you made it. You can. You will.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


So the other day my husband and I were talking about all of the medications I have taken in the effort to get pregnant. He said he wished I would have written it all down- I looked at him like he was crazy and said 'I have!' So he asked me to put it all in one place so we could keep track, just for kicks. Um, its NUTS!

I of course have a list of ALL the meds I've taken, but for this I just focused on stimulation drugs and hormone supplements.

Without further ado, after 6 unmonitored clomid cycles, 6 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle...

Progesterone (pro.metrium, caps, endo.metrin) -- 18,600mg
Clo.mid -- 5,000mg
Fo.llistim -- 2,850iu
Men.opur -- 825iu
Lu.pron -- 175iu
Es.trace -- 70mg
Hcg (Ovi.drel, Nov.arel) -- 11,500iu

Just just so you know... that breaks down like this-
159 pills swallowed
78 injections- thankfully only 12 of those were in my rear!
111 suppositories inserted

... and that doesn't count 3 years worth of pre-natal vitamins, one year of met.formin 3x per day, antibiotics or steroids- that would add over 2,300 pills swallowed. This from the girl who took baby Tylenol through college because I could not swallow a pill. Oh, the lessons we learn!

Wowsers... that is A LOT! Lets hope there is only ONE more cycle to add to this list!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

A Little More Insight...

Yesterday I talked a little about our appointment, but after reading over that post again I realized that I didn't share one other point, and more than anything else, I want to remember -- so onto the blog it goes!

When we looked at the number of eggs retrieved compared to the number that were mature compared to the number that fertilized compared to the number that made it to transfer/freeze there were some questions. It wasn't particularly "normal."

13 eggs were retrieved
8 eggs were mature (62%)
4 eggs fertilized (50%)
4 eggs became embryos and made it to day 5 and 6 (100%)

This isn't exactly typical, at least at my clinic. Our doctor explained that it is possible the reason I may not have been getting pregnant all along may have had something to do with my eggs. Obviously we knew with my PCOS maturing follicles would/could be an issue. It does make me wonder if we ever had truly mature and viable eggs releasing during our IUI cycles, but that is over and done with-- no regrets. The good news is, once they identified the good eggs they did make great little embryos!!!

This question of my egg quality was another deciding factor in choosing another fresh cycle. We know that right now my eggs are capable of making good embryos. If we had chosen to do a FET and gotten pregnant, there would be a little urgency for baby 2/3. With the path we've chosen, we are able to keep our two great little frozen embryos for (hopefully) a few years from now when we're ready for baby 2/3- knowing that if indeed my egg quality is going downhill, we still have hope in those two frozen embryos- plus any embryos that make it to freeze from this cycle. I can't even begin to tell you how much this puts my heart at ease.