Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

Ironic...

There are a lot of reasons why I love blogging, one of the biggest is being able to go back to a certain date and seeing where I was in that moment. I've often looked back at the same day in the previous year to see how things had changed or not changed.

On THIS very day one year ago, I wrote about what I guess was the official end of my first pregnancy. It was the day my beta finally reached zero. Though I'm sure I was feeling sad for all that we'd lost, I was also ready to pick myself up and begin moving on. I was ready to start preparing both my heart and my body to try again- to attempt once more to find myself pregnant with the hope of carrying that baby (or babies!) until they were big enough and strong enough to come home with us.

I find it somewhat ironic that I wrote on that day about becoming 'un-pregnant', because today the same thing will happen, only this time my appointment is for a c-section not a beta. It is amazing in one year's time we've really come full circle. Dreams have been realized, and on a day that was bittersweet last year, I will this year have two sweet boys placed in my arms!

On this day...
4 years ago, we were in the midst of our first cycle of trying for a baby.
3 years ago, we were a couple of cycles into clomid.
2 years ago, we were in the process of beginning treatment with our RE.
1 year ago, we had just miscarried our first pregnancy.

And today... Today, we become parents and our family not only grows, it DOUBLES!!!!

4dp5dt

I'm kicking myself for not writing down more of my symptoms from our last IVF cycle. Why, you ask? Because, I'm becoming more neurotic by the day.

Seriously, there is no fooling myself this time that I'll be able to wait until beta day (Tuesday) to know my fate.. At this point I'll be lucky if I make it to the weekend without peeing on something that has the ability to make some lines.

As for symptoms? They can pretty much all be explained by hormonal changes thanks to all of the supplementation I'm on. Buuuut, in case you're wondering, or God forbid, I have to do this ever again......

• Effing crazy dreams
• Uterine cramping
• A seriously oily face
• Random dizzy spell in line at  the grocery store
• Weight loss - with ZERO effort
• Extremely sore nipples
• Decreased blood pressure
• Fatigue
• Pretty serious aversion to toast (weirdest aversion ever!)
• The beginnings of a rash on my belly (3dp5dt)

For the record I had all of these, minus the oily face and the weird toast thing last time... And I was pregnant.

Stim Day 5...

First, thanks to everyone who has given me the Liebster blog award. I am typically pretty crappy at playing along with these awards- and it seems as though pretty much everyone I follow has already received it!

I'm five days in, and boy can I feel it. My energy level is taking a nose dive and my mid-section is in a bit of turmoil. I've been interested in how this cycle matches up to the last, so here are the findings so far....

• At suppression: More follies present for IVF #1. Ovaries looked less 'PCOS-y' for IVF#2.
• I started on the same dose of menopur, but DOUBLE the dose of follistim. 
• In terms of total doses of follistim, I am currently about to days ahead of where I was last time. However, the plan is to work in the opposite direction as we did last time, tapering down instead of up. The hope is more mature eggs than last time. 
• The calm feeling remains. I'm not overly worried about anything. I have no idea what my E2 level was yesterday, and I am 100% ok with it. 
• I've started the precautionary OHSS diet earlier this time around. As soon as I felt any bloating I started drinking Gatorade, trying to be better about getting plenty of protein and cut back on the carbs and sugar. So far, it has helped relieve the bloating significantly and hopefully it will keep me in the clear after retrieval. 
• I weigh about 20 pounds less than I did for IVF#1.
• The random crying is similar to last time. Most of the time it is somewhat predictable, but sometimes it is 100% random. This morning I was watching a TV show, and though it was touching, it wasn't worthy of tears, so there I sat crying... and laughing at myself for crying. Nothing says irrational like a hormonal woman.
• Lemonade Gatorade is still my favorite flavor. For now. 
• Follistim stings A LOT more than it did last time. 

I'm currently setting up Netflix for bed rest.... what should I add??

Get Outta My Head...

I've been having some absurd dreams lately. The first couple were just pain outrageous and left me thinking about carnies when I woke up in the morning. Last night's dream was about our egg retrieval.

You may remember that during our first IVF cycle I had a recurring dream about my doctor showing up to my ER wearing flannel pj's with kittens on them- I'm hoping this new dream doesn't become a staple of my dreamy state. At least the last one was kinda funny- this one was just concerning.

In my dream Hubs decides that he doesn't want to go with me to the ER (NOT acceptable!) so I asked my parents to go instead. Keep in mind my parents don't even know that we're starting another cycle right now- and my mother is WAY too high strung to be in attendance at my ER/ET- no way, no how. In addition to it being totally weird that my parents were there, I had the nurse from HELL. She knew absolutely nothing about the IVF process and didn't think it was a big deal that I had no idea how many eggs were collected. Then, although  I've done this before, I think that it would be important for them to go over the post-ER restrictions- they didn't agree. So weird.

I woke up this morning VERY thankful to be in my bed with my alarm buzzing on my nightstand. I know that none of those things would ever happen, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mess with my stress level a little bit.

In more exciting news... 8 more BCPs! I'm oddly excited to start injecting myself with lu.pron on Monday- I know that sounds odd, but I'm well aware how quickly things start moving at that point!!!

I have my annual tomorrow with the doctor we are hoping to use for OB care in the near future- I'm sure I'll be back here with an opinion mid-morning.... because, I always have an opinion!

Insensitive...

Okay, on to the insensitive comment, or was it an insensitive gesture... probably both.

A little back story in bullet points:

• Our parents were the only people in our families to know about our infertility and IVF, except my brother and his girlfriend.
• We told our parents and 3 of our 4 siblings about the pregnancy right away.
• We never had a chance to tell my sister-in-law before we found out things weren't looking so good.
• After we were sure a miscarriage was imminent, hubs called both of our moms and asked them to relay the news to our siblings- cautioning my MIL that SIL didn't even know about the pregnancy.
• Hubs also made it VERY clear on both calls that we had ZERO desire to talk about what happened, and that we'd prefer to be left alone until we were ready.
• For some reason MIL thought that this was a good time to share our infertility with SIL in addition to the miscarriage. But either forgot to mention or didn't stress nearly enough, that this was not something we wanted to talk about.

So, SIL calls hubs (at work no less) and starts talking to him about the miscarriage. Hubs, obviously not wanting to talk about this at work (or at all) gave quick one word answers as she proceeded to shove her foot in her mouth over and over.

"Have you guys thought about adoption?" ...Seriously, I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. At this time the week before I was pregnant! And no, in all three years of trying, adoption NEVER crossed our minds- thank you SO much for the original idea, you're a lifesaver. And PS, adopting a baby is not going to change the fact that we JUST lost a baby that we were already completely in love with.

"We have some friends who adopted from a couple different countries, and all along we just thought they were doing the 'diversified family' thing, turns out they can't have kids." ...Um,okay but if ever we ever make the huge decision to adopt, it would not be in an effort to treat our family like our stock portfolio, thankyouverymuch!

"We've been trying for a long time too, but we haven't seen a doctor or anything. So, I know how it feels" ...Guess what? You don't have any idea how it feels. Unless you've been in these shoes and faced the same things, please don't compare... and even then, it's different.


The first two I find absolutely asinine, while the third makes my blood boil. I do not understand why people think that being able to relate somehow makes it all better. Can you not just tell someone that your sorry and not turn a horrible thing into something about you? Especially when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. I completely understand sharing with someone that you've been there, but if you do... make sure that you really HAVE been there.  Last time I checked, not getting pregnant from unprotected sex is not at all similar to not getting/staying pregnant after investing thousands of dollars and 1.5+ years into fertility drugs and treatments.

Needless to say, although I hate that the hubs had to field a call like that, we are both glad it was him and not me. I would not have been even half as kind as he was, and the holidays would have been very awkward this year. I haven't seen her since the call, and I'm trying really hard to just get over it, but I can't seem to forgive her actions. Perhaps spewing it out on the Internet will be the first step.

Quick weekend recap...

The weekend... it was great. I needed to get out of town and the trip ended up being more than I could have asked for. I spent time with friends, some time relaxing and a lot of time just quietly reflecting on everything that has happened in the last few months.

My good friend gave me a little token to remember our first little babe. Since we would have been due in April she gave me a clear bead for my necklace, which goes perfectly with my 'I can do hard things' charm. Love it!

As I already shared, we spent a day at the beach. After getting over the fact that there are some hard memories in that place, I had a really great time. There is just something about sitting watching the waves roll in that just calms me. It was exactly what I needed.

On Sunday I met up with my parents and went to church at the church I grew up in. The final hymn that we sang was one I don't ever remember singing in the past. While I wasn't a huge fan of the tune- the lyrics could not have been a more perfect ending to my weekend.

Lord Jesus, You Shall Be My Song

Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I journey. I’ll tell all my brothers about you wherever I go. For our life and our peace and our love is Yourself. Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I Journey.

Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey. May all of my Joys be a faithful reflection of You. May the earth and the sea and the sky Join my song. Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey.

As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant, To carry your cross and to share all your burdens and tears. For you saved me by giving your body and blood. As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant.

I fear in the dark and the doubt of my Journey. But courage will come with the sound of your steps by my side, And with all of my brothers you’ve saved by your love, We’ll sing to your dawn at the end of our Journey.

Crossing Bridges

You know the saying "I'll cross that bridge when I get there"? Well, there have been a lot of those after all of the happenings if the last summer. I've chosen to deal with feelings as they arise, and not worry about the feelings that may go with a situation/day/event until it happens, because really, even I don't have any idea what is going to be a trigger.

Well, I crossed a bridge this weekend. I'm not sure I ever shared how we told our families that we were expecting, in fact, I'm pretty sure that post is sitting in my archives as a draft. Anyway- Hub's parents were out of town about an hour from our hometown and about 4 hours from where we now call home. We drove there the night of our first beta. It's a place we'd both spent a lot of time growing up, and hadn't been in years. Well, just a little over 8 weeks later, I went back. As we drove down the road where his parents were staying when we told them, it kind of took my breath away- but truth be told, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I sat on the beach for a couple of hours just thinking about it all. And I felt at total peace. I was able to think and truly believe this is part if my story, part of the plan, something that I'll grow in big ways from, something that has already changed my heart in big-never-going-to-forget kinds of ways.

I'm not saying the hard days are a thing of he past, but I AM saying I've crossed another bridge and dangit, I'm proud of myself!

What should have been...

I should be twelve weeks today. I should be at that magical point in my pregnancy where it is 'safe' to share the news openly. The point where you no longer need to be selective about what you say and who you tell. I've been looking forward to this day for years. Sharing our happy news. Instead there is nothing to tell, we lost our baby 6 weeks ago.

It sucks.

I'm getting out of town for a few days. I need a change of pace, and change of scenery. I need to deal with these feelings and I'm thinking a nice long drive with the windows down and the music turned up just might be the perfect medicine.

Don't get me wrong, the good days far out number the hard ones. It feels weird when a wave of hurt or sadness comes, because honestly for the most part, I really am doing well. I spend most days happy, looking forward to everything that is on the horizon for us. I think that is why it catches me so off guard- I have a new normal, and it isn't sadness.

So, excuse me while I step away for a few days. I'm going to spend time with a girlfriend I've known since elementary school. She just gets me, she knows the whole story and although she hasn't been in this exact situation, she certainly knows heartache, hurt and a struggle. Her faith is amazing, and I'm sure she'll be exactly what I need right now. Hopefully I'll return with a renewed spirit and a heart that is ready to take on all of the exciting things that are heading our way in the next several weeks. I'm confident I will. I just need a little time.

And one more thing... I've now called our insurance company NINE times about the same claim.... from MAY! Nine times. If it isn't fixed this time I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously. I felt a little sorry for sweet Megan on the other end of the phone line yesterday because she was on the receiving end of my frustration from the previous 8 phone calls... but for the love, what is it going to take?!?! A TRIAL embryo transfer does is not equal to a FULL A.R.T cycle. I know that you have no idea how big of a deal this is, but FIGURE IT OUT!

Ahhhhh, much better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

Ok.. maybe one more thing, Prov.era and weight gain? In the past I've taken prom.etrium and I don't remember having this issue. I was losing like 2 lbs a week, and now this week I'm up FIVE! It is killing me. I don't know that I've ever gained on fertility drugs- hopefully when I swallow the last pill tonight it will all magically melt away. Anyone else have this problem?

Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)

A Little More Insight...

Yesterday I talked a little about our appointment, but after reading over that post again I realized that I didn't share one other point, and more than anything else, I want to remember -- so onto the blog it goes!

When we looked at the number of eggs retrieved compared to the number that were mature compared to the number that fertilized compared to the number that made it to transfer/freeze there were some questions. It wasn't particularly "normal."

13 eggs were retrieved

8 eggs were mature (62%)

4 eggs fertilized (50%)

4 eggs became embryos and made it to day 5 and 6 (100%)

This isn't exactly typical, at least at my clinic. Our doctor explained that it is possible the reason I may not have been getting pregnant all along may have had something to do with my eggs. Obviously we knew with my PCOS maturing follicles would/could be an issue. It does make me wonder if we ever had truly mature and viable eggs releasing during our IUI cycles, but that is over and done with-- no regrets. The good news is, once they identified the good eggs they did make great little embryos!!!

This question of my egg quality was another deciding factor in choosing another fresh cycle. We know that right now my eggs are capable of making good embryos. If we had chosen to do a FET and gotten pregnant, there would be a little urgency for baby 2/3. With the path we've chosen, we are able to keep our two great little frozen embryos for (hopefully) a few years from now when we're ready for baby 2/3- knowing that if indeed my egg quality is going downhill, we still have hope in those two frozen embryos- plus any embryos that make it to freeze from this cycle. I can't even begin to tell you how much this puts my heart at ease.

I Love a Plan.... *UPDATED*

Sooooo, today's the day.

I'm trying to not be discouraged that almost exactly a year ago we were seeing our RE for the very first consultation appointment. In the time since that appointment, we've seen peaks and valleys. There have been moments of hope, frustration, sadness, anger, excitement, pain, joy and a myriad of other emotions... but if you're reading this, you already 'get' that roller coaster. You understand, so I'll stop trying to put into words something that really can't be explained, only felt.

As we go into today's appointment, I am excited. Sure there is still the pain of what has happened in the last several weeks, and knowing that it will certainly be talked about kind of makes me cringe, but I'm ready. We knew from the start that this was going to be a rough road, and I am proud of the way we've handled it so far- with faith, courage and perseverance.

I'm excited to see where this journey is going to take us next. I'll be back this afternoon with an update!

Update!!!

Out appointment went great. We started by talking briefly about what happened with IVF #1. We went over my response to the medication, the eggs that were retrieved, eggs that were mature, eggs that fertilized and eventually what we transferred and what we froze. We touched on our short lived pregnancy, which is believed to be due to a chromosomal issue, and then talked about what the options were and potential changes.....

We basically have two options. A fresh cycle or a frozen cycle. We currently have two great (the sheet said 5AAA) embryos in the freezer, and there is absolutely no reason to believe they are anything but perfect. The thaw rate is 80-85% make it through the thaw to transfer- meaning most likely we would end up with both. While this is a very valid option, my doctor encouraged us to consider a fresh cycle given that we're young, able, and know that we want to have more than one baby/successful pregnancy. We had already pretty much decided that we wanted to do a fresh cycle if that was what she recommended, so we were sold.

Given that our # retrieved/# mature/ #fertilized was not exactly what any of us predicted, there will be some small changes to our next cycle. Instead of starting slow on the stim drugs, we will start at a higher dose and taper down instead of moving in the opposite direction, thus hopefully recruiting more from the start. The only other change is she asked me to lose about 10lbs. I don't see this as much of an issue, I've been loosing weight for about the last year without much effort- so I'll just kick it into high gear for the next several weeks and I'm sure I'll get there. No biggy.

So the plan is to have my baseline ultrasound as soon as I get my next period. With that period I'll start a month of birth control for a couple of reasons- 1. to give me some time to loose the weight 2. so we don't end up with a super long cycle pushing out our start date or running into the embryology close period in December. Once that month is complete, I will probably take a few more pills and then start lu.pron. As of right now we are projected to be doing our ER/ET around the first week of December. Which means we will likely be in the midst of daily/every-other-day monitoring right over Thanksgiving weekend. Not ideal, but I would really rather not wait until January!

So that is the plan! The official start of IVF round 2 looks like it will be sometime in October and will span through November and then trickle into December. This of course will all be determined by my current cycle-- and at this point I don't have a whole lot of faith in having a 'normal' natural cycle. In the event that this cycle makes it to the 40 day mark, I'll go in for blood work and start pro.vera. That stuff KILLS me, so hopefully it will not come to that!

Overall, we left feeling very optimistic that we WILL get pregnant again, and that the next pregnancy WILL be successful.

Ahhhh, a plan. I feel so much better :)

Haha!!

You guys are seriously cracking me up this morning!

So, funny story. Last night after I posted about the toilet seat covers I was telling my husband about the revelation, and he informed me that I'd been doing it correct fr 28 years and NOW I'm doing it wrong. However, his reasoning for doing it the opposite way of what I now consider 'right' was for an appendage that I do not possess.

So, because you all posted some hilarious comments about NEEDING to know, here is what I now consider the correct way to place the cover on the toilet seat..... the part that is still attached goes in the front. It stays in place SO much better when you put it on this way! (one of the comments explains this in more detail)

And yes, it felt like a ground breaking discovery in my drugged state. Life changing.

An Unexpected IVF Lesson....

I was reminded yesterday while in a public restroom of a lesson I learned during my IVF cycle.

Are you on the edge of your seat right now, wondering what the heck I learned in my IVF cycle that I could have been reminded of in a public restroom? I know it sounds crazy and as I was encountering it yesterday, I did laugh to myself a little.

After my retrieval the nurse took me to the bathroom, and because I was still pretty wooozie, she got the toilet all ready for me while I stood there feeling like I may fall asleep standing up. In my drugged state, I managed to have a serious 'a ha moment' when she left the room and I looked at the toilet. I've been putting those covers on backwards for the last 28 years of my life. I've always wondered why they were such a pain and never seemed to stay in place... uh, operator error! Can I just tell you, my public restroom trips are forever changed?

So, there you go- unexpected lessons from IVF... I'm trying not to think about the dollar amount that lesson cost me :)

Less than a week until our next appointment- hopefully we'll have a plan for round two by the end of next week!! I cannot wait!

Jumping New Hurdles...

Infertility is like running hurdles for the very first time. All the hurdles are there, but until you find your pace- your groove- the flow of the movements, it is almost impossible to gracefully float over those blocks in your path.

Over the past three years I've kind of found my groove when it comes to infertility. Though I didn't always gracefully leap over the hurdles, I did usually clear them even if it meant some tripping on the other side. It wasn't always easy, but each leap felt like I was a little closer to the end.

Miscarriage changes things.

In the last few weeks I feel like I was sent back to the starting line. Thankfully this time I have a little more knowledge about form, grace, courage and how it all works- but there are many strides that feel painfully similar to the first run.

Today I jumped a couple hurdles. It was hard and I was scared about how I might react, but I went flying right over them, no tears, no uneasy feeling in my stomach, no tripping and falling on my face. I did it. I held a baby and I told someone out loud and in person about the miscarriage.

Ahhhh, an amazing feeling. I CAN do this.

Numero Six....UPDATED

Repeat beta number six was drawn this morning and I am more than ready for it to be at zero. One week ago it was 8.9, so let's hope today is the last blood draw! I am ready to be working toward getting pregnant again instead of waiting to get un-pregnant.

In other completely unrelated news... we painted our master bathroom on Sunday. We'd been planning to do it for a long time, but now the time was right and my hands and mind needed to be kept busy! I'm not sure I'm in love with the color but I think once we've picked out matching decor I'll like it more.

*** UPDATE ***

My nurse called this afternoon- my hcg is back to zero, so no more blood work for me. We also scheduled our 'next steps' appointment for August 31st. Our doctor will present our case this week- the practice doctors will review the cycle and brainstorm next steps together. This gives us a couple of weeks to figure out exactly what we would like to do as well as mentally prepare to jump back into IVF.

And because inquiring minds want to know... we painted our bathroom green... avocado-ish.

One Week...

Last night I had a moment. It was the first of its kind, though I'm sure several more will follow. I had to turn down something I wanted to do because in the pit of my stomach I knew I wasn't ready. I hate that feeling. I hate that I can't do the things I want because I am afraid of how I might react.

We were invited to go out to dinner with one of Hubs' co-workers and his family. We are all good friends, and they know about our situation (miscarriage and all) buuuuut, they have two kids under 4. I am actually pretty close with the wife, but she is also one to complain about their kids while always following it up with- 'but I wouldn't trade it for the world.' Kind of like it's free pass to complain because she ends it with a qualifier.

When Hubs first called and asked if I was up for it I said yes, then the panic set in and I had to back out saying I didn't know if I was ready. At first I felt bad because I knew he wanted to go, but then I took a step back and realized a few things....

Everything is not going to be back to normal with the snap of my fingers. Even though I'd really like it to be.

It has ONLY been ONE week since we found out for sure what was happening, though it feels like a lifetime.

Yesterday also presented a little turn of events that was momentarily traumatic. (more on that at the bottom)

And most importantly, it is okay to be completely and totally selfish right now. I've/We've been through a lot, and if I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

***FYI TOTAL TMI- miscarriage related***

I had read a great deal about passing some grey tissue during a miscarriage. I hadn't really seen anything like that, but kind of assumed that because ours happened so early maybe there wouldn't be enough tissue formed to see it. Well, yesterday after I posted about the bleeding being nearly over I went to the bathroom and passed two fairly large clots of grey-ish/red-ish matter. It was one of those moments I will probably never forget- traumatic and calming at the same time. Horrifying to actually see that, but peaceful to know that it was over. No more waiting and watching, no more wondering if it was complete or if I'd have to have some kind of procedure. At this point I'm feeling pretty confident that it is really and truly over.

Almost Over...

I'm fairly sure the physical portion of this miscarriage is over, or at least very close to being over. I am only spotting now, and it seems to be getting lighter and lighter as the day goes on. I am hopeful my beta on Monday will be down to zero so this whole mess can be officially over.

I believe once my hcg level is back to zero we can schedule our post-cycle meeting with our doctor and start thinking about what's next. That appointment can't come soon enough. I hate this feeling of treading water, not really moving, just keeping our heads above the water.

I want to, I NEED to keep moving.

Pluggin' Along...

Just like you've all said over and over... everyday will get a little easier. Most days I wake up and do feel a little better, every once in awhile I have a day were I regress a little, but that's OK... things ARE getting better.

After a couple of good nights of sleep I've been able to accomplish a few things around the house and that makes me feel so much better. It was hard to be sad laying on couch with a messy house, it felt like I was failing at EVERYTHING. Even though I absolutely know that I did nothing wrong to make our pregnancy not work out, I was still harboring a little anger at my body for not doing more... being better. After a little sleep I've been able to step back and see things with a rational set of eyes which has been a much better outlook.

I know I am in no way over what has happened. It sucks. It has been a hard, emotional and painful experience- but, just like infertility, it does not define me. It is another difficult hoop to jump through, another cement block in the middle of the road- lucky for us, we've seen things like this before and we know we're strong enough to jump the hoops and push the road blocks out of our way. We can do hard things- over and over.

We aren't quitters... especially when it comes to our babies.

Shattered...

Just when you think things are looking up it is like infertility comes up behind you with a baseball bat and breaks you into a million little pieces. That is pretty much the story of last night.

I was feeling pretty good about things. It had been kind of a rough day, but I felt like I was pulling it together. I felt like the start of the physical portion of this process was going to make things feel better- a little less drug out. I was wrong. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't imagine it would be THAT hard.

I lost it last night when I crawled into bed. I was in a decent amount of pain from the cramping and seeing the reality that this is ending was slightly more than I could handle. So, there I sat on the edge of the bed sobbing. I lost it, like completely and totally lost it. As in sobbing, not breathing wondering why on earth this is happening to us- lost it.

It sucked. It was hard, but on the upside, I feel a lot better this morning. Like I've released part of what had been pent up inside. I hate that the tears always come when I'm getting into bed at night, because it means less sleep for both me and my husband, but I can't help it. It is when everything slows down and there is nothing else to think about. I'll get there. I know I will. I need to remember that this is a big, hairy ball of suck, and it is completely and totally ok to be mad/sad/angry/hurt/emotional.

At the same time, I do not want to find myself stuck in this. I want and need to move on at some point- I don't want to live in fear that this same horrible mess is going to happen again. It might, but I'm strong... we're strong, and we can face it.