Monday, May 25, 2015

In laws.

I have so many updates to write, but tonight, I have to get something off my chest. In-laws. Bleck. I really do love mine, but I get beyond frustrated with them. They are great, and I do appreciate all they've done for us, but when it comes to our kids they drive me CRAZY.

Today's transgression is this (and feel free to tell me I'm over reacting):

Several months ago hubs and I decided we'd take our first camping trip with the boys late this spring. Since we have two young children we thought renting a cabin within a camp ground would be best. In an effort to include both of our sets of parents in this fun first, we invited the grandparents and both immediately agreed. We live about 2 hours from our families and were hoping this would be a fun time for everyone to spend with the boys and make some special memories. I've been so excited about it for weeks, thrilled that our boys would have the undivided attention of all their grandparents, playing in the dirt, eating their first marshmallows, etc. Until tonight.

We had called my in laws to tell them we'd built the trampoline they bought the boys for christmas (a story for another day) and my MIL says to hubs that they're bringing along our 3 year old niece. Not only is said neice the topic of conversation and comparison every time we see or talk to my in laws, but they see her and spend several hours with her multiple times every week. I just do not understand why they have to take this time away from the boys. Not only that, but it adds another toddler schedule to the mix- I'm sure there will be things they can't/don't want to do because of her, and that really frustrates me. I feel like I'm being super bratty about the whole thing, but it's for my kids and I guess if I'm going to be a brat, it might as well be for them.

We're still deciding if it's the right year to do a disney trip, but I told hubs today, if they pull this for that trip they will flat out be uninvited!

Weigh-in.... Am I waaaaaaay over reacting???


Michele said...

My questions are, who is paying for this vacation? If it is all you, then I think you are in the right to say who can come, if they are contributing part or all, then I guess they can bring who they like. Also, does the niece require their care, are they obligated to provide child care during the time they would be gone and would be leaving someone else in the lurch? Could you mention that you were hoping for some one on one time with the grandparents...or rather could your husband get involved? Does he agree with you, or is this a losing battle?

Stephanie said...

I can see why you would be upset. I have several of the same questions as Michele above, and where are her parents that she has to be with you all that particular weekend? When would they have told you she was coming if you hadn't called to tell them about the trampoline? I'm sorry...I hope this doesn't put a damper on your weekend you had planned.

waiting and wishing said...

Thanks for responding! Everyone is paying their own way- my parents are in the cabin next to ours and my In laws will be down a few spots in their RV. My MIL does care for our neice part time, but on a very loose schedule sharing with multiple people- one of the reasons we planned so far in advance was so she'd have no problem shifting the days around. Hubs isn't as irritated by the whole thing as I am, but I think once we're there and it all plays out, he will be. It was a very awkward situation when we were told and it left almost no room for saying anything besides exactly what my husband said which was "oh, (neice) is coming?" In a very surprised voice. Which obviously did not give any sort of pause to MIL. I'm not sure there is any getting out of this without hearing "(neice) was so disappointed she didn't get to come" or "(neice) would've LOVED this" the entire time.

waiting and wishing said...

She in no way HAS to go, her parents and other caregivers will all be home. It was just a choice they made to invite her. If we hadn't called and been talking about camping they totally would've just shown up with her. I'm frustrated that they don't get that WE invited them, and generally when you're invited somewhere you don't just invite other people along too, especially without asking before.

Michele said...

Sounds like you are stuck with her coming, but it might be time for your husband to have a conversation with his parents about how the constant comparison is wearing on you guys. If he is close enough with his parents that you guys invite them to travel with you, then he is close enough to discuss feelings and concerns.

Stephanie said...

You have every right to be upset. I would be too and have been upset many times already with my parents and inlaws actions when it comes to the boys (FIL totally ignored/forgot BOTH birthdays this year). Coming with viewpoint my mom gives me as her excuse/defense when she pulls stuff like this: my mom has boys and my brother's son (he's 2.5 years older than C). She spends A LOT of time with nephew since they all live in same city. She sees boys a handful a times a year. Time with all 3 grandsons is limited to like Christmas or maybe a random meal out together when we're in town. Our last visit back she didn't tell me ahead of time, but she agreed to keep my nephew from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon (we left to drive home before he did). Granted it was to help my brother be able to attend a concert with SIL Saturday night 2 hours away, but still. I was annoyed she was taking one on one time with the boys away when she doesn't see them as often as my nephew. Her reasoning was she rarely gets to have all 3 together and she loves having all 3 together so of course she agreed to let nephew stay with her that same weekend instead of with other possible family members. Maybe your MIL has some similar grandma desires - seeing all the cousins together. I know it happens with our inlaws too, not to same extent, but the parents (us and siblings) are usually expected to bend over backwards and throw schedules out the window to accommodate letting MIL, FIL and great-gma see all 5 (soon to be 6) cousins together in one place.

I hate it and part of my reasoning for not wanting to move back to VA is all this forced togetherness instead of one on one quality time.

I'm so sorry, this is happening because it definitely puts a damper on vacation. On the flip side, MAJOR KUDOS to you guys for even inviting all 4 grandparents on first family camping trip!

Lady Grey said...

I think it's really hard. My In-laws live with my nephew and even though they work really hard to spend time with and prioritise my boys- it's just not the same connection that is built when you live in the same house. But then I feel bad because my nephew never sees his other Grandparents and my boys have heaps of time with both. I guess I'm just trying to appreciate the relationship they have.

I wonder if it is partly that they do like the idea of the cousins spending time together- I know my in-laws love when all the boys play together. I think if hubby can have a little chat with them on the holiday then that would be helpful- it might not change things but I'm sure it would make you feel better if they at least knew where you were coming from. It would be a shame if such a special time was ruined by this.

I hope it's a really wonderful time anyway.

Jules said...

Ugh, that would annoy the fuck out of me. All my in-laws talk about is my niece. And they rarely come to see our kids. It's very upsetting to my husband. We try not to think too much about it. I definitely did not luck out in the in-laws department, so maybe I'm the wrong one to chime in! :-)