Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)

Worth It...

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."

-Beth Moore

I often say, victory isn't as sweet without a struggle- I think that fits here. When things are just handed to us, we begin to expect blessings instead of being great full for them. How many times have you thought your fertile friends or family have taken their sweet (and not so sweet) children for granted? And, how many times have you vowed to not do the same with your own children should they (finally!) arrive?

This struggle to become a mama has taught me MANY things, not the least of which is how to be a better parent once my day comes. I've learned there are things much worse to keep me up at night than a fussy baby or piles of dirty laundry. The alternative being tears and heartache or alarm clocks and injections. I for one, would choose a sweet babe (crying or not) any day. However, I'm not sure everyone (especially those who haven't walked in these shoes) would make that same choice.

Sure, there are days when I've certainly 'misunderstood' God. I've been angry with him, asked him countless times WHY this was happening to me. Why I had to have a miscarriage. Why I've had to watch my husband's painful longing to be a daddy. BUT today, He is not misunderstood in this heart of mine. I believe with every ounce of my being that He has big plans for me. Plans that include babies, one way or another. He is preparing me, and my heart for what is to come.....

and with everything we've faced I have a feeling it is going to be BIG and SO worth the wait!

... Its almost Wednesday! I am DYING to get a plan in place- soon, very soon!!

Isaiah 58:11

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11

Holy Hope...

In the midst of Easter preparations, I found myself feeling sad about what is not present this Easter. We wont be filling baskets, buying white lacy dresses or hiding eggs, but in the middle of these 'poor me' thoughts I realized how much hope can be found in the Easter story.

As I was preparing to write this post, I googled Easter and Infertility. I happened upon a blog post from last Easter that is pretty dang close to what I was prepared to write. Please, click over to Pregnant with Hope and read this post. I promise, you will not be disappointed!

Let Him roll away your stone!!!

Blessings...

Everyday I receive an email from an organization called Sarah's Laughter. Sarah's Laughter in a christian group that supports women facing infertility and child loss. Some days I read the daily email, and some days they get slipped into a folder in my inbox and saved for a rainy day. Yesterday's email shared a couple of songs that have helped women through this difficult time facing infertility and I thought I would share of them with you today as well as the artist's story behind the song. I think she is right... we are being blessed in the midst of this pain and suffering.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the

brokenhearted; and saves those

who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

Stronger...

On Monday while I was driving to the clinic for my beta I was doing my best to prepare myself for a result that I was already pretty sure of. I'd been praying for peace and beginning to wrap my head around the idea of IVF in the next couple of months when this song came on the radio.....

Psalm 111:7

"The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy."

Now, if I can just keep reminding myself of this!

A Page is Turned...

Today is cycle day one, and I can't help but feel like a page has turned and we are beginning a new chapter of our infertility story. With that said, I am reminded of a song that was played on our wedding day. I am forever grateful that God prepared for me the perfect partner to face this battle with, someone to hold me up when I've come undone. Which, to be totally honest, happens rather frequently these days!

A Page Is Turned: Bebo Norman

A page is turned by the wind to a boy in curly grin
With a world to conquer at the age of ten
But as history unfolds and the storybook is told
He finds salvation but not at the hands of man

And the God of second chance
Picked him up and He let him dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, preparing him, the one
To hold him up when he comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And now a man, here you stand
Your day has come

A page is turned in this world to reveal a little girl
With a heart that's bigger, as it is unfurled
By the language in her soul, that's teaching her to grow
With a careful cover of love that will not fail

And the God of second chance
Picked her up and He let her dance
Through a world that isn't kind
And all this time, preparing her the one
To hold her up when she comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And grown up tall, here you are
Your day has come

Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by his hand
And warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
Just for her hand

A page is turned in this life, he's making her his wife
And there is no secret to the source of this much life
When the grace that falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and he'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

After 3 hours on the phone with the insurance company, clinic and pharmacy it looks like all of my drugs are finally ordered and approved! I have a baseline and blood work tomorrow morning at 9 and then we are on our way to our first injectable cycle! Yahoo!

Waves of Hope...

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV

I have found that hope comes in waves. I am typically hopefully when things are fresh and new. Hopeful at the start of a new cycle. Hopeful when protocols are changed. Hopeful when meeting with a new doctor. Right now, I find myself in a new odd limbo.

I have a new hope in our changed protocol, but I feel like placing my hope in that is writing off our current cycle. The cycle that I am still 11 days from knowing the outcome of. I think part of these feelings come from the fact that in order to do an injectable cycle next time (if there is one) we have to prepare for it now. We've read over the consent forms, looked at all of the potential side effects and today I have a teaching appointment to learn how to prepare and administer injections for a cycle that may or may not happen.

So, in the midst of this limbo I am going to remind myself of the verse posted above. I am putting down roots, and trusting God's perfect plan and timing.

Preparing...

In the last few days I've found myself preparing. Preparing for a whole laundry list of things....

... for Christmas
... for the results of this week's beta
... for spending time with my nephew and newly pregnant sister-in-law
... for the week of vacation the hubs is taking between Christmas and the first of the year
... for moving into yet another year without a baby in our home
... for the possibility of IVF in the coming months
... for the next pregnancy announcement (they seem to be happening nearly weekly)

and as I've been preparing for these things I have thought nearly constantly about what it must have been like for Mary to prepare for a baby boy that wasn't conceived by her own doing. A baby boy who was created within her by the same two hands that I pray will form a child in my own womb someday.

It is easy to focus on all of the hard things about this season when you are in the midst of infertility, but I challenge you to remember the gift that is at the core of Christmas. The birth of a baby boy. A birth that really should remind us that miracles can and do happen. Even in the middle of this struggle, I am reminded by the Christmas story where to place my trust.

The Evolution of My Heart...

I've heard and read over and over that infertility changes people. Like almost any significant life event, we learn from tough situations. We grow when we are stretched to our limits. We find what we really, truly believe in when it seems like there is nothing more to hold on to. Infertility has changed me, and for the most part, I am grateful.

Although I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy, there have been good things that have come from this unbelievably difficult struggle. My faith has grown in ways that I couldn't have imagined before infertility was a part of me. I've learned lessons in patience, trust, judgement, compassion, empathy and grace. I've found out who I am at the very core, when everything else is stripped away and I am bare and broken. I've learned when to stand on my own two feet and also when to allow my faith to carry me.


In the beginning of our struggle with infertility I was quick to judge the decisions of others in the the arena of reproductive technologies. My naive heart couldn't understand the heartache that would lead to those choices and couldn't see God in those acts. It wasn't until I was in the trenches that I could truly understand. It wasn't until my heart had evolved that I could see just how many blessings I would receive in the midst of what has seemed like the darkest most painful time in my life.

I've learned that...

...PATIENCE is not merely the act of waiting, it is more importantly, the way you wait.

...believing in God is much different than TRUSTING Him with your biggest hopes and desires.

...it is impossible to know how you will deal with a situation until you are there. Even when you are struggling right along with someone, what is right for one person isn't always right for the next. Throw JUDGEMENT out the window, it isn't going to get you anywhere.

...meeting someone where they are, in the midst of their pain, is one of the most selfless acts. COMPASSION is a gift that feels just as good to give as it does to receive.

...being able to identify with another person's feelings is what this community is all about. EMPATHY abounds.

...navigating the heartache of infertility isn't always easy, and it certainly isn't always pretty. GRACE is moving through the easy and tough times in a manner that is pleasing to our God. After all, He gives us the gift of GRACE though unmerited, free flowing love for us each and everyday.

Although infertility does not define who I am, it has most certainly made a lasting impact on my life. As much as I wish my stay in the land of IF were shorter (or possibly nonexistent), I am grateful that in the midst of such hardship, I have been blessed abundantly.

The Nativity...

When I was a little girl (and maybe still now) I was known to remove baby Jesus from my mom's nativity set until Christmas Day. I always contended that he wasn't yet born, so we should wait until his actual birthday to place him in the manger.

As a wedding gift my aunt and uncle gave us the Willow Tree Nativity set. I've always loved it, and I can't wait to get it out every year around Thanksgiving. The only thing I wish was different is the fact that baby Jesus is attached to Mary. I always joked that I would just buy the pregnant Willow Tree figure and place her in the nativity until Christmas.

The first Christmas after we started trying to get pregnant my husband bought it for me stating that we'd use her as Mary, and always remember that we got her when we were first trying to start our family. He also added that once we got pregnant we could leave her out year round. Great, it was both functional and a nice sentiment. I loved the idea.

Last year when I was putting away the nativity set I didn't put the pseudo Mary back with the rest of the nativity thinking that I would be able to put her out again before Christmas. Surely I would be pregnant by then. Ha. In the last year I ran across "Mary" several times and each time it stung a little more that she was still boxed up and my womb was still empty. So I put her someplace where I wouldn't be constantly running into her. As I'm sure you've guessed... I can't find her!

So this year, baby Jesus is out before Christmas. Its OK, he should be the centerpiece of this season. I've always loved this Christmas decoration, but this year it has become my favorite. Just looking at it I am reminded that the God I worship and serve is capable of some pretty amazing things. What He has in store for us is more than we can hope for or imagine.

It is easy to get caught up in the consumerism that Christmas has become. This year I am simplifying. I am reminding myself daily what this season is really about, and finding time to be thankful for the miracle birth of a baby boy. A baby who was born to a woman who hadn't tried to become pregnant. She hadn't taken her temperature every morning to see if she was ovulating. She hadn't made an appointment with her Reproductive Endocrinologist. She wasn't eating pineapple core or testing for ovulation. Instead she was a virgin. If God is capable of a miracle of this magnitude, just think what he can do in our lives.

Putting Things in Perspective...

I have recently run across several quotes from a woman that I knew very little about until this afternoon. Her name and bits of her story were familiar to me, but I wanted to know more. So many of the quotes I have seen from her have been very inspirational and focused on trust and hope in the Lord's plan. I wanted to know her story.

Come to find out this woman, Corrie ten Boom, was a Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor who helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II. She has written an autobiography, (along with several other books) about what her life was like in those years, and I can only imagine how moving her story must be.

As I read about this woman, I found myself thinking about my own "hard" journey. My journey, which honestly after reading about hers, just doesn't seem so hard anymore. This woman went through things that were horrible and still she and her family are quoted as saying some pretty inspiring and faithful words in the midst of a incredibly trying and dire time in their lives.

Before dying in a concentration camp, Corrie's sister Betsie said this...."There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

After being released from a concentration camp Corrie said, "God does not have problems. Only plans."

She sounds to me like a pretty amazing woman with a faith that I can only strive to attain. In the meantime, I think I will try to remember her words and remember that there are many struggles much harder than my own. Her words and her story help me put my journey into perspective.

Here are several more of her faithful words....

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest."

"This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see."
(The Hiding Place)

"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

"Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings...It's something we make inside ourselves."

"Some knowledge is too heavy...you cannot bear it...your Father will carry it until you are able."
(The Hiding Place)

"Don't bother to give God instructions; just report for duty."

"Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear."

"Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future."

"The tree on the mountain takes whatever the weather brings. If it has any choice at all, it is in putting down roots as deeply as possible---Each New Day"

"Child, you have to learn to see things in the right proportions. Learn to see great things great and small things small."

".....joy runs deeper than despair."

"You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."
(The Hiding Place)

"How often it is a small, almost unconscious event that makes a turning point."
(The Hiding Place)

"Perhaps only when human effort had done it's best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work."
(The Hiding Place)

"In darkness God's truth shines most clear."
(The Hiding Place)

"Love is larger than the walls which shut it in."
(The Hiding Place)

"Faith is like radar that sees through the fog -- the reality of things at a distance that the human eye cannot see."

Making hard days a little easier...

As I've said recently, I feel like I am in a good place emotionally when it comes to my/our infertility right now. Sure there are still days when I feel sorry for myself and wish that I could easily get pregnant, but most days I feel at peace about our situation. Don't get me wrong, the sense of ungency is still very much there, but the desperation is not. I have a lot more hope these days that it will happen. Someday.



So, how did I get here? I think seeing an RE had a lot to do with the mental shift. I feel like we are doing everything we can in a given cycle and through being monitored, we know what exactly is going on inside my body for the first time. Another thing that I've done is make a list of bible verses and quotes about hope and patience. I've written a few them on bright card stock and stategically placed them to remind me that hope is a choice.



I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you, perhaps they will bless you in the same way they've blessed me during this journey.



"I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for my God my Savior; my God WILL hear me." Micah 7:7



"For NOTHING is impossible with God." Luke 1:37



"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11



"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9



"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14



"By His light, I walked through darkness." Job 29:3



"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7



"Our joy does not have to be based on our circumstances." Joyce Meyer

Trust.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Sometimes I wish that I could have a quick glimpse at the plan God has for my life. I trust fully that his plan has had infertility in it from the moment my story was written, but I would like to see the outcome. For example if I were to know that two (or even TEN) cycles from now I would become pregnant, I would be able to joyfully bound into my RE's office week after week for all of those "undress from the waist down" appointments with a smile on my face, knowing that it was just a matter of time. As logical as this seems in my head, I am reminded that knowing the story by peeking at the journey is not FAITH.

If I knew His plan ahead of time, there would be no room for TRUST. We are called to put our faith in an unseen God. In His time He will reveal the plans he has for each of us. It is our job to meet him there, acknowledge Him and trust Him. We are not asked understand his plan for us, or even the depth of what he is doing in our lives- we are simply called to put our trust in a God that knows the desires of hearts and have faith that His plan is greater than our own.

Please don't think I am saying this is easy. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I was taught from a young age that there was a plan for my life, and the God we served was the author of that plan. However, when infertility became a part of my story I wasn't sure what I thought of this "plan." Would a God who loved me and cared about me really write this very painful journey into my story? The answer is yes, and although I am still don't understand it, I trust that someday I will.

Psalm 113:9

"He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD."

Psalm 113:9

This past weekend I had the opportunity to surprise my parents early on Sunday morning. They live about two hours away and since my husband was going to be out of town for the majority of the day I decided to head down to visit them and some other friends and family that I don't get to see nearly enough.

I had previously thought I'd go later this week,but when it became apparent that AF would be visiting soon I figured in the interest of being around for a baseline internal ultrasound (more on that later) I should go sooner rather than later. Boy, am I glad that I did.

The verse at the top of this post was part of the reading from last Sunday at the church I grew up in. When the words were read it was like there was not a single other person in the sanctuary. It was as if the little old lady behind the lectern was looking me in the eye reading those words directly to me.

They were words I needed desperately to hear. I was getting anxious about the cycle that is ahead of us. It will be our first time cycling with our fertility clinic which means a lot of new territory and a lot of unknowns. It was as if that reading had been chosen just for me, a perfect reminder that God is with us in the midst of this. Such a good feeling!

In other news, I went in today (CD2) for my baseline internal ultrasound... all I have to say about that is it was gross, and if I don't ever have to do it again I will be one happy gal! The ultrasound showed a fairly thick lining and lots of tiny follicles or cysts on my ovaries. Those tiny cysts in addition to some other symptoms won me a prescription for metformin. Judging by what the doctor said, it should be a pretty enjoyable (NOT!) drug to take. I also got my Rx for clomid, a blood draw, and orders for an HSG. I feel like all of a sudden everything is moving at lightening speed! I have my HSG scheduled for next week and I will have another ultrasound the following day to check on my little eggies. After that we may or may not trigger and then we will be doing an IUI. Crazy!

One more thing... I think my RE is pregnant. At first I couldn't come up with a good reason to see a male RE, I think I found one :)

More

"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine."

Ephesians 3:20

Our story has already been written. It was carefully perfected by the best author of all, my God. I am trusting that each step of this journey, big or little, is part of His plan.

I WILL be a Mama. Someday.

Even Jesus Wept.

I recently purchased a book about dealing with infertility. It isn’t your typical go-to guide about treatments and diagnosis, but instead it is excerpts of people’s lives that have dealt with infertility on some level. The book is called Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky.
When I asked my husband to add this book to his order he was pained by the title. Even when he brought it home to me, he was concerned about how hard the book would be to read. As we sat on the couch, him watching TV and me reading this book, he looked over at me and questioned, “Sad?” For me this book isn’t sad, it is real. It is everything that I am dealing with on a daily basis. It is a reminder that better days will come, that we’re not alone and most importantly it is a reminder that while this journey is hard, it will only be harder if we feel sorry for ourselves and stop living our lives because it hurts too much.

I only have had this book in my hot little hands for a little more than 36 hours and I am already halfway through it. The pages are littered with post-it notes and words that I want to remember. Undoubtedly, there will be more posts to come on this topic, but for today let’s start at the beginning….

My first neon green post-it note reads:

“Even Jesus wept.”

As Christians we are taught to be thankful for the blessings that we’ve been given by the grace of God. Sometimes although we are thankful for the blessing we have received, we are pained by the ones that have seemingly gone unnoticed. In these moments I find myself feeling guilty that the gifts that I’ve been given are not enough. Like a spoiled child on Christmas morning, I run to my room sobbing that yet another month has passed and I am still not pregnant.

In this excerpt from the book the woman realizes that she isn’t crying out because she wants something so much it hurts. Instead she is crying out in grief much like Jesus did when Lazerus died. Jesus felt grief and wept even though he knew he would raise Lazerus from the dead, he still grieved the loss.

The tears of infertility are tears of grief. Our hearts are grieving the loss of children that we wanted and prayed for that haven’t come. The pain is not insignificant.

Which brings me to my second post-it note….

“I’ve come to realize that God understands my tears, and that they don’t fall to the ground unnoticed.”

He knows our pain and meets us in the midst of it.

Perfect.

There are a few IF blogs that I read pretty frequently. It is nice to read about other people who are transversing the same mountain that we are. It is good to hear where they are in the climb and how they are dealing with the conditions. In addition, there is the inspiration that comes from the tender words they write and the camaraderie that you feel just knowing that there really is someone else in your shoes.

This morning I clicked over to Growing Our Own Garden and it her post today was just what I needed to hear. It wasn't the words crafted by her that got me, it was a devotion that she shared that reminded me of the beauty that will surely come from this struggle. Someday.