Saturday, October 30, 2010

A year...

It has been one year since the day I made my first post on this blog. While a few things remain the same (like the obvious), several things have changed.

In an effort to take a closer look at my where my head was at this time last year, I am going to re-post the very first words I wrote as Waiting and Wishing.....

Friday, October 30, 2009

In the two years that we were married before we started trying to start our family we spent hundreds of dollars on birth control. I spent a lot of time thinking about how we would feel if I were to get pregnant. The truth of the matter is, if it had happened we would have been happy, thrilled, overjoyed. That time and money was wasted.

As it turns out, just throwing the pill out the window isn't the golden ticket when it comes to me getting pregnant. Heck, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be sitting here after 15 months of trying, writing out our journey so that I can remember just how far we've come when I finally have the joy of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test instead of the dreaded ONE that I have seen far too many times to count. If there is one thing that I have realized in this journey, it is that it never gets easier to see the evidence (in whatever form it may come) that it once again just isn't our month.

The journey is tough. There are tears and heartache, blood draws, treatments, stirrups, baby showers to attend and never ending questions from outsiders about when we will start a family. It doesn't get easier, the tears may come less frequently, but it still hurts.

We decided in the spring of 2008 that we were ready to start growing our family. We decided to wait until after I had my annual appointment with my NP, just to make sure that everything was ok. I had my appointment in May and was told "just throw the pill away when you are ready and call me when you get a positive pregnancy test." Oh how I wish it could have been that easy.

We ended up waiting until July to start trying. I stopped taking the pill and thought we were being realistic when we agreed it would be a nice surprise if I got pregnant before Christmas, but certainly no reason to be concerned if I hadn't.

I had one normal cycle after I came off of birth control. Then I began a very long cycle that finally ended with several negative pregnancy tests, a call to my NP and a prescription for Prometrium. The nurse assured me that it is perfectly normal to have a hard time cycling after being on birth control. She agreed with the doctor's order to jump start my period. She said more than likely, I would be back to normal in no time. Wrong. We tried the Prometrium again in February and again it had the desired outcome of a period, but I was skeptical that it would actually make things normal again.

I'm not sure I would call it "normal" but I did begin a new cycle on my own just in time for my annual exam. Instead of canceling the appointment I kept it to talk with my doctor about what might be wrong and to consider having some tests. I left the office with a new sense of calm about the situation. I was ready. I had left four vials of blood at the office (surely that would tell us something) and had a prescription for a fertility drug in my hand. I was sure that I would be pregnant before the summer was over, maybe even before we hit the one year mark. When I went to the office the following week for my re-scheduled exam my NP told me that they didn't find anything in my blood work that would cause any red flags in terms of trying to conceive. She did the exam and again said that there wasn't anything that she could feel or see that would be causing me not to get pregnant. In an attempt to make sure that the only thing standing in our way was my body having no idea how to ovulate on its own and at a normal time, she ordered a semen analysis.

The analysis came back normal. We were thankful that there was only one problem and we already had the medication to "fix" it. I woke up religiously 5am to take my temperature and chart it to see if and when I ovulated. I went in each cycle on the twenty-fifth day to have more blood drawn to check my levels. It was no picnic. The medication made me sick while I was taking it, put me in a significant amount of pain during ovulation and just overall made me feel weird. But, I continued to tell myself that it was all worth it. If I had to feel this way for the next year in order to hold our baby in my arms it would all be worth it.

Medicated cycle 1: Not pregnant

Medicated cycle 2: Not pregnant

Medicated cycle 3: Not pregnant, and officially "infertile." Great, that is one label I was hoping to avoid.

Medicated cycle 4: Still, not pregnant

And that bring us to today. I am at the bitter end of medicated cycle number 5. My temperature has dropped. I was an emotional wreck last night. It is only a matter of time until medicated cycle 6 begins. Did I mention that typically they only prescribe 6 cycles of this drug in a row? Great.

Next stop, invasive tests and a referral to a specialist.

I know I told anyone who would listen that all I wanted for Christmas was a garbage disposal, but I've changed my mind. Please move growing fetus to the top of my list.

When I read this post I just wanted to hug the girl that was writing it at this time last year. I hear a woman who is scared, angry and without much hope. Thankfully, I am in a different place this October. In spite of now knowing some of the causes of our infertility and being in the midst of more invasive treatments I find myself in a MUCH better place than I was at this time last year. I have HOPE, and although some days I find myself sad and angry about our infertility, those days are few and far between. What a difference a year makes.

PS, One thing remains the same... growing fetus will still be at the top of my Christmas list this year!

Friday, October 29, 2010

A little more insight...

Thursday we found out the results of the hub's sperm function test. It was via voicemail so we didn't get to ask any questions, but we did find out that the motility was lower than what they would like to see, at 33%. The good news is our doctor is still suggesting that we go ahead with our treatment as planned, a second IUI next week.

I have a follie scan on Monday, so I will check with her at that appointment about what these results mean in terms of success rates for us. I was worried at first, and after a quick check in with Dr. Google I was left feeling even more anxious, but I've since decided that if the news was as bad as I was making it in my mind, our doctor would not have suggested keeping with our current plan.

I am so thankful that my husband is much more emotionally reasonable than me. He is a constant reminder that worrying will not help ANYTHING. So instead, I am becoming more educated on motility issues and preparing myself to ask questions, but instead of worrying, I am trusting. We are still very hopeful that IUI could be the answer for us, but without jumping to an conclusions, I am also trying to prepare myself that IVF may become part of our treatment plan in the near future.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A Funny Story...

Earlier this week while I was feeling pretty sick from the clomid, I bummed around on the Internet and found a few more infertility blogs to add to my reading list. As I was getting caught up on one couples journey I found myself laughing out loud at a story involving prometrium.

Now, let me start by saying that the story itself wasn't funny. I know EXACTLY how this poor woman felt in the moment, but it drudged up some of my own joyous encounters with prometrium while I was reading.

In case you aren't aware, prometrium is a progesterone product. It is often used during the LP to support a possible pregnancy, or as a means to stimulate a period in someone who is not naturally cycling on their own. I used it twice to stimulate a period in the first 6 months that we were trying to get pregnant.

The first time I used prometrium I was EXHAUSTED! I would take in about 30 minutes before bed and when my head hit the pillow I was out. I also had to take it pretty early in the evening if I had any hope of waking at a reasonable hour the next morning. Seriously. I would sleep about 12 hours on this medication and still wake up feeling groggy! I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't have to take it again, but no such luck.

The second round of prometrium happened to fall right around Valentine's day... romantic right? I remember this because my husband and I had gone out for a romantic dinner and then came straight home because I had to take my medication and get to bed. Shortly after I retired to the bedroom he joined me. And much to my dismay, he wanted to talk. I could feel the conversation getting more and more loopy on my end and it was taking me longer and longer to respond to him. Soon enough, he too had caught on and began trying to teach me lessons while I was all drugged up.

At this point I think it is important to explain that my husband is a pretty laid back guy, but there are a few things that really get him going. One of these things, is the improper use of the word 'at'. For example, "where did you get that at?" Obviously in that sentence, at isn't necessary. Being an elementary school teacher, I notice these things as being incorrect, but I hear them constantly so they don't really bother me.

Apparently I had been using 'at' incorrectly in my speech, so my husband took it upon him self to not only teach me this lesson, but also record it on his cell phone at the same time. Perfect. Soon after he felt that the 'at' lesson was ingrained in my head for all eternity he began working on a list of words he knows I often mis-spell. Thanks,babe. Honestly the audio from our little learning session is absolutely hysterical, and I have to say, I am now utterly annoyed when I realize I've used at incorrectly.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


This morning I read a post over on The Johnson's Journey, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. As part of a blog challenge Bobbi is working on, she shared a column that was written several years ago by a woman named Regina Brett.....

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29 What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Random thoughts on CD2...

Yesterday my mail consisted of a bill from my RE's office and a baby shower invitation. Those may be my two least favorite pieces of mail to receive. On the bright side, at least it only ruined one trip to the mail box... AND my bill was for only $20!

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning to see if I am a "cyst grower" on clomid. Turns out I'm not. There is one tiny follicle growing on each side around 5mm. She said everything looked great and I'll go back from another ultrasound on CD12. The best news of all is that I don't have to have to do the CD2 ultrasound next time... if there is a next time!

I made an appointment this morning for a sperm function test for the hubs. Hopefully everything will come back normal!

IUI #2 will most likely be two weeks from today.

I had my blood drawn today and it HURT!

I'm having a pedicure today and I cannot wait. I need a glorious hour of relaxation!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Sometimes I wish that I could have a quick glimpse at the plan God has for my life. I trust fully that his plan has had infertility in it from the moment my story was written, but I would like to see the outcome. For example if I were to know that two (or even TEN) cycles from now I would become pregnant, I would be able to joyfully bound into my RE's office week after week for all of those "undress from the waist down" appointments with a smile on my face, knowing that it was just a matter of time. As logical as this seems in my head, I am reminded that knowing the story by peeking at the journey is not FAITH.

If I knew His plan ahead of time, there would be no room for TRUST. We are called to put our faith in an unseen God. In His time He will reveal the plans he has for each of us. It is our job to meet him there, acknowledge Him and trust Him. We are not asked understand his plan for us, or even the depth of what he is doing in our lives- we are simply called to put our trust in a God that knows the desires of hearts and have faith that His plan is greater than our own.
Please don't think I am saying this is easy. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I was taught from a young age that there was a plan for my life, and the God we served was the author of that plan. However, when infertility became a part of my story I wasn't sure what I thought of this "plan." Would a God who loved me and cared about me really write this very painful journey into my story? The answer is yes, and although I am still don't understand it, I trust that someday I will.

Monday, October 18, 2010

A Pass...

This morning after seeing my BBT and making the assumption that my beta would be negative I gave myself a 'pass' for the day. A pass to leave the dishes in the sink, to not worry about the laundry, to not think about calories or really anything else for that matter.

I mindlessly drove 45 minutes to have my blood drawn. Made a quick stop for my husband on my way back and then came home. Once I arrived, I quickly found my place on the couch and told myself to just relax until I knew for sure. I watched garbage on tv and messed around online, giving zero thought to the things I should've been doing.

The phone rang, and luckily the nurse just gave it to me straight- "Unfortunately your beta came back negative." She explained my next cycle and that was it. I hung up the phone and didn't let one single tear roll down my face. Why? Because this is not the end for us. I have hope and I trust that somehow, someway there will be tiny feet in this house. Someday.

Don't get me wrong I wish this would have been it, but it wasn't and I'm moving on. I had my husband pick up a pizza on the way home and I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening doing just exactly what I'm doing right now... absolutely NOTHING!

When my husband got home and asked me if I was ok, and told him that I was. Slightly surprised he stepped back, looked at me and said 'are you really ok, or are you just saying that?' I have to admit, I really am fine. I'm not really sad about this cycle not working out. I feel like we gave it everything we had, and it just wasn't enough. Maybe, hopefully next time. If I am upset about anything, it is the fact that I have to endure the drugs again... oh, how I hate fertility drugs! Oh, and the CD2 ultrasound... I could have really gone without doing that again!!!

13dpiui *updated*

Well, today is the day I've been waiting for since sometime in September when we found out we'd be doing an iui cycle. Today I have my beta. At some point this afternoon a nurse will call and either say 'hooray, you're pregnant' or 'sorry, not this time.'

I've had a bunch of pregnancy symptoms, but the things about most pregnancy symptoms (as you know) is.... they are mostly the same as period symptoms. I am not one to usually have any "symptoms" prior to AF arriving, so I was optimistic for awhile, but then I remembered that I did trigger this month with Ovi.drel, and that may have something to do with this change.

My BBT had been holding strong and high until this morning when it dropped by .3 - I'm pretty sure my beta will be negative today. I was pretty bummed when I looked at the thermometer this morning and realized my fate, but then I reminded myself that this was only the first try. If today ends as I am anticipating, we will pick ourselves back up and start the process over.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't over just yet. However, I am trying to be honest with myself about the facts- and they just aren't stacking up in our favor!

I'll be back to update late this afternoon with the beta results....

** I just heard from the nurse... My suspicions were right, we will be starting another cycle later this week. I'm bummed, but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that this was just ONE attempt. I'm ready to jump back in and start over. The protocol will be the same for this next cycle, the only addition will be a repeat SA for the hubs. Unless there are any cysts, I will be back on the joyous (haha) clomid by the end of the week!

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Possible...

Today I am 6dpiui and a week away from my beta...
I just painted my nails with a color called 'It's Possible'... fitting right?!?

Friday, October 8, 2010

And again...

Remember last November when I found out a friend of mine was struggling to get pregnant, and in hopes of calming her nerves about what seemed like an uphill battle I told her our story? If you do, you probably also remember that she called me exactly five days later and dropped the bomb.

You may also remember that over the summer another friend of mine confided in me about her infertility. I, much like the first, told her our story and found great peace in having someone to talk to about this journey. We spent many hours over the past four months talking about our feelings and about all things infertility.

Yesterday she told me that she is 6 weeks pregnant.

I am absolutely shocked and deep down I am really happy for her. I am at a place where I can truly comprehend that someone else being pregnant really has nothing to do with me. I am (thankfully) in a really good place right now. I am hopeful again and really happy with our fertility treatments so far. I know that there is a plan for me, and I feel like I am on the right track.

In an effort to keep it real though, her pregnancy does make infertility feel a little more lonely again. That's OK though, I'm not planning to stick around in the world of IF much longer myself :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010


For about the last year I've been fairly confident that we would need some type of reproductive technology to achieve a pregnancy. About this time last year we were reaching the end of our 6 months of clomid treatment and we were no closer to a baby than we were when we started. I had come to the conclusion that this probably wasn't going to happen on its own "the old fashioned way."
It took me a long time to be ok with that, hence the super long break we took. I wasn't sure how I felt about getting pregnant in an office with someone other than my husband doing the impregnating. It was weird for me to think of him sitting or standing next to me while our doctor inseminated me or transferred embryos.
I thought for sure the process would take the romance out of things. I thought it would make it so much more clinical (not that timed intercourse is really all that romantic.) But, I was wrong. Somehow going through all of this together, having him there to say sweet things, make jokes and take silly pictures made it easier and made me remember all of the reasons I love him. I've spent the last couple of days hopeful and more in love with my husband than I have ever been. We are walking a hard road right now, but we are stronger because of it.
If you would have told me this would be part of our story when we got married I would have been terrified. Although it hasn't been fun, it has been a growing experience. I understand now that we are strong, and we can do hard things... together.
I am hopeful that this cycle will work. I am well aware that it may not and that we may have to do this all again in a few weeks, but for now I am trying my best to be in the moment.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

How many...

speculums does it take to preform an IUI?
After the proper speculum was found, the iui itself was really easy. I didn't have any pain, just some cramping and now I am just feeling bloated.
Now we wait.
13 days.
314 Hours.
18869 Minutes.
My beta is scheduled for Monday the 18th in the morning, but I am assuming that I won't hear until late that afternoon!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Add one to the list...

I have a new addition to the list of things I never thought I would do in the name of trying to have a baby... injecting myself with something! If you've been reading long, you know that I am (it is getting better, thank goodness!) terrified of anything doctor related. So, giving myself any type of injectable has scared me to death.
Until now.
I just gave myself my trigger shot and like most things, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be!

Friday, October 1, 2010

I forget so easily...

I hate that I forget so easily that infertility is OUR problem even though all of the "issues" reside in me. I find myself taking control of it all and talking to my poor husband like he has no idea what is going on. He does. He is a very intelligent man and doesn't need to be told the same things over and over. He is my husband, not a child.

I know I'm feeling this way because it is me that is in the doctor's office every week to either have blood drawn or take my clothes off from the waist down, but still, I need to give him a little more credit than I have been. I'm anxious about this cycle. Its our first iui, and while I am so excited and hopeful, I am also painfully anxious.

I guess at this point I can only try harder. I'm just feeling really bad for treating him the way that I have been when he is SO supportive of everything I'm going through. Sometimes its hard to remember that he needs my support, too.