A special day...

Two years ago, on the day after Thanksgiving, just before I headed out with my family to do some black Friday shopping, hubs gave me my first stimulation  injection to kick off the cycle in which we made our boys! Though today isn't the same 'date' and isn't exactly two years later.... the day after Thanksgiving will always be the day we started making the babies who made me a mama!

I've always loved this day. Now, I just love it even more!

Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

My Twin Pregnancy...

When I was pregnant I was constantly looking on blogs of twin mamas trying to find an answer to one random question or another. Most of the time it was just curiosity about other twin pregnancies, so just in case anyone is searching my blog for information about my twin pregnancy-- here it is! Commonly wondered questions....

How did you get pregnant with twins?

• It was our second round of IVF with ICSI. We transferred two day five blasts. Each baby was his own egg and sperm, making our boys fraternal twins.

How long did you carry your twins?

• I carried those little buggers all the way to 38 weeks 2 days. Yes, I agree, I deserve some sort of medal for that :)

Did you have any bed rest, if so, when?

• I was asked to be on modified bed rest for about 4 hours one day after a mild spotting indecent around 25 weeks-ish. It turned out to be nothing and I never had another issue.

Did you have your babies via c-section or vaginal childbirth? When was that decision made- was it your choice?

• I gave birth to our boys via c-section. The decision was made at 34 weeks. We had been talking about it at my appointments for weeks because of how the boys were positioned (baby A head down and baby B transverse breech). For several weeks my doctor was more than willing to try for a vaginal birth, but cautioned me that it may end up in a 'full birthing experience' with both a c-section and a vaginal delivery. At my 34 week appointment the doctor I saw did a quick ultrasound that revealed baby B's hands and feet were pointing up toward my head- meaning in the event I needed a breech extraction, there wouldn't be much grab onto. I decided to schedule a c-section and my OB was pleased with this choice. 

If you had a c-section, would you choose to do it again if it was your choice? Will you attempt an VBAC if you have another child?

• I would absolutely choose to do the exact same thing if I had to do it over. Getting pregnant was very dramatic, then I had a very normal healthy pregnancy and I didn't want to end a beautiful time in my life with a traumatic/dramatic birth. Our birth, while surgical, was amazing and perfect for us. I seriously doubt I will attempt VBAC. The c-section with the boys was flawless and I really had no complaints in healing. 

Healing from a c-section, how'd it go? Any tips?

• Honestly? It was not difficult at all. I consistently took the pain meds for about a week or 10 days and then was weaned off of them completely at the 2 week mark. I was released to drive at two weeks and had already taken walks in our neighborhood previous to that point. I was sore, but never ever in excruciating pain. As for tips... MOVE! As soon as you possibly can have the cath removed and start making your way to the bathroom on your own. Take a shower and get up and walk the halls with you babies- I am sure this is part of the reason my recovery was so easy.

What was the hardest part of your twin pregnancy?

• Waiting for them and worrying about them. I worry about them from day one, but never enough to take away from that amazing 9 months of my life. Just a mama's worry- I'm sure it will be something I do for the rest of my life. They are my babies... my very, very, very wanted babies.

Best twin advice you got before having your boys?

• Get out of the house! It is SO easy to get out when they are tiny. They'll sleep the whole time and rarely fuss if you are quick to leave after a feeding and make sure to get home before the next. 
• Get them on the same schedule from the get go. We literally started the boys on the three hour schedule the day they were born, and to this day we pretty much stick to it throughout the day (thank goodness, not at night!). 
• Nursing twins is HARD try, try, try to be flexible! It isn't the end of the world if you can't tandem feed- lactation consultants, doctors and nursed will tell you it is, but know that you CAN nurse your babies separately if you want/need to. Not nursing the most efficient way does not mean you will stop in the first few weeks, if you are committed to working with your babies and being patient with yourself you can do it! I've nursed my boys at least partially since birth and they are 5.5 months old. I'm ready to be done, but I'll keep nursing throughout the day for a couple more weeks and then we'll try just nursing morning and night and see what happens. If I can't I'm ok with it, if I can, great! My biggest advice to you is don't keep nursing because you 'should'... that is ridiculous and will just build resentment of your babies. Nursing is not what is best for everyone and that is OK!

Weight gain during pregnancy and weight loss after birth?

• I gained 40lbs exactly while I was pregnant with the boys, the majority was gained toward the end of my pregnancy. I then lost all of it in the first 4ish weeks not making any attempt to do so. My doctor suggested starting birth control sometime between 2 and 6 weeks postpartum and THEN I started gaining it back. This was also a time when the boys started going slightly longer stretches at night between feeding which could have also added to the weight gain/ change in metabolism. My sister-in-law totally warned me this would happen when I started nursing less. So here is my warning to you-- be prepared and change your diet accordingly!

Birth control after an IVF twin pregnancy? Really?

• Here is what my OB said.... What if?? He said however unlikely you think it is, remember that it certainly IS possible if you are having sex to get pregnant. While neither of us thinks the probability is super high, it is there and bottom line- I'm not ready, my body isn't ready, my husband isn't ready and my sweet baby boys aren't ready for another son/daughter/sibling just yet. 
• I chose the mini pill because I was breastfeeding, but will change to a more effective pill once the boys are weaned in the coming weeks/months.
• I gained weight and my supply changed when I started the mini pill, be prepared. 

Favorite baby gear?

• Double Snap'n'go stroller
• Kangaroo Korner fleece pouch sling. Its not being made anymore so you'll have to find one at a consignment shop/sale-- seriously the BEST though. Great for both babies early on while they are tiny and perfect still for one baby at 5.5months.
• Boppy pillow... or six. We have two and I'd always like at least one more! The twin nursing pillow is kind of a pain- to me, not worth the $$.
• Swaddling blankets with velcro closures.
• More burp cloths than you think you could ever possibly need.
• Bottle drying rack... please just buy one- I promise you'll need it. 
• Baby saline nose drops-- they melt the goobers away and make breathing so much easier for those tiny noses that are full of goop from gestation/birth. I also love grape scented boogie wipes.
• Bedside co-sleeper, less useful in the long run, but better than a pack and play in the beginning. We borrowed one and LOVED it until the boys finally grew out of it. 
• Paper plates, frozen meals, and someone to bring you fresh ready to eat fruits and vegetables!

The first few weeks... any tips?

• Be prepared with a clipboard/spreadsheet to jot down things like who has had wet/poopy diapers which side they fed on, how much formula they drank.
• Be flexible. Every day will likely be a bit different- try to not book lots of visitors too far in advance. Some days you'll want to just be with your babies and not have others around fussing over you or your perfect little bundles!
• Have baskets in various places with supplies in them. We had a diapering basket in our bedroom, the nursery and the living room. 

I'm sure there are several more things that mamas pregnant with twins would like to know-- feel free to either leave a comment or shoot me an email, I'm more than happy to share what I've learned in the last year!

A Year and 4 Months!

One year ago Saturday I took a pregnancy test WAAAY too early at 4dp5dt and saw the two pink lines that changed EVERYTHING. I wasn't sure at that point if we would be blessed with two babies or one, but I had a sneaking suspicion that there would be two. I never, even after all of the waiting, dreamed they would change my life as much as they have. Sure my days are busy and my life revolves largely around eating, pooping and trying to get babies down for naps, but it is a nice change from needles, appointments and wands. I would (and likely will) do it all over again. It has been worth every single moment of heartache, painful procedure or injection and cent we ever spent. So, if you're still trying and have a some fight left in ya, KEEP GOING!

Saturday also marked another exciting day- the boys are FOUR MONTHS OLD! They are usually sleeping though the night, nursing six times per days and drinking five bottles of supplemented formula. They both can roll from belly to back, but generally choose not to. They still love their play mat, riding in the stroller and their car seats on most occasions. H will nap in his crib sometimes, but A refuses. At night they are both wedged into the co-sleeper together pulled up next to my side of the bed. H stays in the co-sleeper all night, and A usually wants to snuggle up with mama for the last couple of hours. I absolutely love having them in our room and fear it is going to be really hard for me to let them go to their own room. There is nothing sweeter than falling asleep to sweet baby sleep noises and snuggling up to a sleepy baby first thing in the morning!

I'm sure there is more to update on, but I have two little tikes not so gently reminding me that they are the priority right now :)

And then we were FOUR!

HOLY COW!

I can't believe it took me this long to get back to the computer and write about these sweet little boys who've stolen my heart, made me cry, changed my life and caused me many exhausted days. But, here I am almost four weeks after they were born- loving life as a mommy... the good, the hard and the mounds of diapers and laundry!

I don't want to forget their birthday, so in an effort to document it- here is the run down!

On the August 15th we woke up bright and early around 3:30am. We needed to be checking into the hospital at 5:30 and knowing that the drive would take about 35-40 minutes and we both wanted to take one last non-rushed shower we knew it would be a very early morning! We both woke up super excited to meet our boys and I was still not feeling an ounce of fear about the surgery that would be starting in just a few hours. We got ourselves ready, packed up the car, took a couple final pictures of our babies in my belly and hopped in the car to go meet our long awaited babied!

We arrived at the hospital right on time, checked in and were taken back to our room. I changed into my gown, met the nurses who would take care of me up until my surgery and then they hooked me up to the monitors to check on the boys. Both little hearts were beating and it was time to wait for my surgery time. The anesthesiologist came in, talked to us about the spinal and what to expect and shortly after my OB came in to go over what would be happening in the OR. I was still not even a little nervous, just super excited to see my boys and hear their little cries as they came out of me. Of course, just as the OB was finishing explaining the surgery, his pager went off and he quickly called the nursing station from my room to find out another of his patients was just about to have her baby just a few doors down. He assured me that it'd be quick as 'this is her third baby, this shouldn't take long'- all with a motion as if to say the baby would just kind of slide out of her. Hubs and I had a good laugh as our doctor (who we love) walked out of the room.

We ended up waiting about an hour for him to be ready for my c-section. I walked myself down to the OR, sat up on the table, was prepped for the spinal and then started to lose it. I still wasn't totally scared, it was more that I was realizing the babies were really almost here. I wanted more than anything for my babies to come out screaming so I knew they were ok, and I think that is what I began worrying about in that moment. As I sat there receiving my spinal (which, while a super weird feeling doesn't 'hurt' more than a pinch) my chin quivered, my nose dripped and a few tears were shed. Both my nurse and doctor stood in front of me each holding a hand and a shoulder. My OB talked to me the entire time reminding me why we were there, there the two most important people in that room were my sweet baby boys and that he was going to get them out safely. He probably promised me 10 times in those few minutes that not only would they be perfect, but that I was already a great mommy and my boys would already know that when they took their first breath. I guess after twenty-five years delivering babies he knows what mamas need to hear to make them both cry and feel confident all at the same time.

Shortly after the spinal was in, I was laying down on the table, drapes were being hung and my belly was being tested for feeling. As soon as it was decided I was plenty numb (SO WEIRD!) my husband was brought into the OR. He sat right next to my head and help my hand. We spent a long time just looking at each other knowing these were the final moments of being just two. It was only minutes after he arrived in the room that our first baby was born. He came out just as I'd prayed for months... screaming! My OB brought him around the side of the table so I could see him before taking him to be cleaned up. All I remember thinking was 'He is HUGE' and 'I'm a mama!' Just one minute later little brother was born. He was rather angry to have been pulled from his cozy home at the top of my uterus and screamed in protest. Along with his screaming he came out pee'ing.... not once, but three times before reaching the head of the bed for me to get my first peek at him. The OR staff just kept laughing as they'd say over and over- 'He's pee'ing again!' My first thoughts of baby B were- 'He's tiny and red!' We'd been told for months that the boys were measuring very close in size, so when I saw my HUGE Baby A (7lbs 11oz) I was waiting for another big baby. When Baby B came out at just 6lbs 5oz (big for a twin) we were all surprised.

After both boys were born and the first checks and cleaning was complete in the OR, they and my husband were taken back to our private recovery room to get cleaned up, receive their first shots and under go their first evaluations. I was left in the OR to be stitched up. My totally weird anesthesiologist proceeded to show me random picture on his phone to keep my mind off the fact that my babies and husband had left the room. He showed me his daughter trying on wedding dresses, flowers in his garden and a photo he snapped on his phone as Baby B was being born. At that point Hubs and stopped taking pictures and was just enjoying to moment with me, so it was fun to see the little man being born- especially as I was laying there in a room away from my babies for the first time EVER.

Once I was all stitched up ( my OB and the assisting OB were talking about home improvements as they put me back together) I was transferred back to my bed (super weird feeling) and wheeled back to my recovery room where my three favorite people were waiting for me.

Hubs and I watched as they both had their first bath and received their first shots. As soon as both of those things were done I was able to hold them both skin to skin and try nursing. Both of the boys were pretty sleeping but H did try his best to nurse a little. A (baby B) wasn't hold his temp as well as the nurse would have liked, so he and daddy had to make a trip upstairs for about an hour to a warming bed were he was fitted with little foot heating pads and then his feet were wrapped in diapers.... he looked like he was sporting tiny baby Uggs- made of diapers!

Once A and Daddy returned to our recovery room we were able to all make the trip upstairs to postpartum.

... In an effort to publish this before their first birthday I'll publish in chunks- and without editing, otherwise it could be Christmas before I get this done!

Ironic...

There are a lot of reasons why I love blogging, one of the biggest is being able to go back to a certain date and seeing where I was in that moment. I've often looked back at the same day in the previous year to see how things had changed or not changed.

On THIS very day one year ago, I wrote about what I guess was the official end of my first pregnancy. It was the day my beta finally reached zero. Though I'm sure I was feeling sad for all that we'd lost, I was also ready to pick myself up and begin moving on. I was ready to start preparing both my heart and my body to try again- to attempt once more to find myself pregnant with the hope of carrying that baby (or babies!) until they were big enough and strong enough to come home with us.

I find it somewhat ironic that I wrote on that day about becoming 'un-pregnant', because today the same thing will happen, only this time my appointment is for a c-section not a beta. It is amazing in one year's time we've really come full circle. Dreams have been realized, and on a day that was bittersweet last year, I will this year have two sweet boys placed in my arms!

On this day...
4 years ago, we were in the midst of our first cycle of trying for a baby.
3 years ago, we were a couple of cycles into clomid.
2 years ago, we were in the process of beginning treatment with our RE.
1 year ago, we had just miscarried our first pregnancy.

And today... Today, we become parents and our family not only grows, it DOUBLES!!!!

Au Natural...

Since becoming pregnant I've been asked a million times if I plan to have a natural delivery.

I always laugh. 

Every time.

Here are my thoughts in no particular order.

• I'm having twins- I may not have a lot of say in how it all ends up. 
• I have ZERO attachment to having a natural birth.
• I do not see myself as less of a women if I choose not to 'do it the way millions of women have done it' ahead of me... without drugs- in fact, I fully intend to have an epi.
• I want these babies to get here safely. If that means drugs and knives I'm ok with that.
• These babies got to my uterus via massive amounts of medication, hormones, a plastic catheter, ICSI, 5 days in a lab and many, many people other than my husband and I... nothing about this process has been 'natural' I'm guessing that isn't going to change now.  
• I may or may not have placenta previa on their birthday complements of Baby A... if things don't move I will not have the option of a vaginal delivery- like it or not. 
• I don't want to have any expectations of their birthday. They will be deciding how their day is going to go- there is no sense in me trying to write it down and prepare for it. Let's remember that I planned on them being here about 3 years prior to their arrival date- obviously they are in the driver seat.

So, there you have it, my thoughts on the birth of these sweet little babies. It is weird to think that we're getting close to the halfway point of a normal 40 week pregnancy and likely have passed the halfway point in this twin pregnancy!

I know I have A LOT of natural delivery Mamas as readers. Please know that my thought of birth is 'to each her own' we all have differing feelings about birth... these are mine :)

Ultrasound update....

Two heartbeats!!!

I'm 7w3d today...
Baby A: 160bpm measures 7w2d
Baby B: 153bpm measures 7w3d

Completely and totally in love :)

Final RE appointment and ultrasound January 27th!!!

So Happy!

First off, thanks for all of the fun comments yesterday, we are really excited!!!

Next, I'm not going to lie, I was terrified yesterday morning that we were going to get to the ultrasound and there was going to be nothing in there. My one symptom that had been holding strong (crazy sore boobs) was suddenly much better this when I woke up. Freaked.Out. Hubs held strong and was sure everything was fine. He was right. Like usual... don't tell him I said that.

As soon as the wand was in I saw two sacs and was instantly calmed when I could see the flicker of a heartbeat. The other sac seemed smaller, so I wasn't sure if it was viable, but I just kept focusing on that flicker... best.thing.ever! Well, until she turned on the sound and we got to hear that little heart beating :)

She told us there were two right away and after noting the heartbeat in the first she moved to the second and we tried to see the heartbeat. We didn't see it at first, but we were able to see the yolk sac and the baby. She then went back to baby A took the measurements (6w2d) and we listened to that sweet beating heart. Baby B is situated behind Baby A and is a little tricky to get a good image of, but on second glance we were all able to see the tell tale flicker. Baby B measured 2 days behind Baby A at 6w.

We're hopeful that we'll be able to hear both heartbeats next Friday! 6 days until we get to see them again :)

I'm feeling much more confident today. It also helps that the symptoms came back in full force yesterday afternoon :)

In other, nearly as exciting news... My hormone levels looked great yesterday and I can stop estrogen (5,031) all together and I get to move do to two progesterone suppositories a day from three because my progesterone was nice and high at (120.2). My doctor did tell me that she likes to keep twin pregnancies on progesterone until about 12 weeks.... 5 more weeks of those little gems- JOY!

:)

Twins! Today I'm 6w3d- baby A is measuring 6w2d and baby B is measuring 6w0d. We saw the flicker of both hearts, but we were only able to hear baby A's today. Our doctor said there was about a 70 percent chance that baby B would be viable, but that was before we found that tiny little flicker!

We're pretty excited and cautiously optimistic that this will be a healthy twin pregnancy. Next ultrasound- one week from today!!!

One.More.Day.

24 hours... which might as well be 24 days. I can't wait to find out exactly what is going on inside there! I'm feeling slightly more confident than I was earlier in the week, but I just want it to hurry up and happen. I'm pretty sure I've never been so excited for a vaginal ultrasound in all of my life!!!

P.S I was dreaming of pickles all.night.long. Perhaps I'll have one with my lunch and see if I find them as amazing as I did in my dreams last night!

The best laid plans...

I just realized that I never told you guys the story of how we told our families over Christmas. It was a comedy of errors really....

Both of our families always want to take a family photo sometime over the holiday, so we thought this would be the ideal time to break the news and get a fun memento of their reactions. Ha. 

First up was my family. We all gathered in front of the Christmas tree, just the members of my immediate family that were in attendance. Hubs got the camera all set up and we took a couple of pictures. I think he got a little nervous and ended up saying 'oh this one is good' and was ready to be done. I obviously objected and said lets do one more just in case and gave him 'the look.' With the next photo he ran, got into the picture and said 'W&W is pregnant!!' Well, that isn't totally true, he used my actual name, but you get the picture. The photo.... a bunch of blank stares. No smiles, no surprised faces, no screams. They all thought that Hubs was about to be killed. They thought he was kidding and I was about go after him. Yeah, like after all we've been through, which they are well aware of, I'm sure my husband would be dumb enough to JOKE about me being pregnant. 

Needless to say, we were a little disappointed, but it is one thing they will NEVER live down.

And a couple days later we did it all again thinking for sure my husbands family wouldn't peg him for the idiot my family obviously thought he was. Turns out, we were wrong. Same picture. No reaction... like zero, zilch. 

Yes, both families were very excited once they realized that this was for real, but our picture plan crashed and burned. Well, it failed in the sense that we don't have a picture of them screaming with surprise and excitement, we do however have two fairly funny pictures that we will love to show our kid/kids someday showing them just how excited their family was about the news of their arrival. Ha! 

Six...

I'm six weeks today. 

3 more days until our first ultrasound. 

50% excited.

50% terrified.

Thankfully there are a few symptoms floating around that seem to be helping me stay hopeful about Friday's appointment. My nipples are still sore (though that may be from checking to see if they are sore multiple times a day!), I'm crazy thirsty and as a result I'm spending a lot of time in the bathroom and then there is the heartburn. Though none of them are glamorous, it is a nice reassurance that my body might actually be doing something right. 

I have a feeling the next three days are going to feel like an ETERNITY!

5w1d

Yesterday I reached the five week mark. It is a weird to think that it will have been a little more than two weeks since any kind of testing when we go in for our ultrasound at 6w3d. I'm looking forward to it, but it is all a little scary at the same time. After having a miscarriage in August I feel like there is just this 'what if?' hanging over our heads. I'm trying really really hard to ignore it, but it is there. All the time. 

I had my check up with my PCP yesterday to go over my thyroid levels from Thursday. He agreed that while it would be good to have it lower, we caught it super early and it really wasn't super high. He drew blood again yesterday and it was only 2.47 instead of the 3.75 it was on Thursday (different labs). I have a feeling it has to do with my dose of estrace being cut in half beginning last Wednesday. I had been taking the morning dose three hours after my thyroid medication (as recommended) but I just have a feeling that made it spike up. My doctor did increase my dose yesterday from 75mcg to 100mcg,  and even with my level coming back at 2.47 yesterday I think my body will do fine with the increase. One less thing to worry about. We'll recheck in 4 weeks. 

Not much more to report. I have a few symptoms here and there but nothing horrible. I'm pretty sure the highlight of my week was picking up my endometrin refill this morning and not having to pay a cent for it! $45 copay + $ 50 coupon = ZERO out of pocket!!

Catching up on socks...

Socks from beta day #1- 12.20.2011 

Thanks Jessica!!

Socks from beta day #2 12.22.2011 

Thanks E!!!

Beta #2

I'm terrified.

I don't have any good reason to think things aren't progressing just fine, but the pregnancy from our last IVF cycle ruined me. I am so scared to get a call today that either starts with 'unfortunately' or ends with the words I heard last time... 'we'll just have to wait and see.' Today I'm looking for words like congratulations, pregnant, doubled, 800.

The worst part is, I feel like such a jerk for even posting that I'm scared. I mean Tuesday brought some pretty great looking numbers, numbers that some would argue sound an awful lot like twins. But, I try to be honest. And if I'm being honest, I'm terrified. Like really, really terrified.

Hopefully I'll be back this afternoon with some great news, until then say a prayer- cross your fingers- send good vibes... whatever it is you do, please do it!

Signs and Symptoms...

...that I am indeed pregnant. I am still daily looking at sicks that were dipped in urine (days ago, YUCK!) just to see those two lines that mean everything. Even if I'm still in disbelief that this is for real, there are a few things that serve as gentle daily reminders....

• Hello, maps for skin! I've always had visible veins, but it's reached a new level. The inside of my arms are kinda grossing me out!
• Oh-my-nipples! Seriously, ouch. The ladies MUST be roped in at all times!
• A feeling of bloat. Constantly. Some days it is uncomfortable to the point of doing the rubber band trick with my jeans. FYI, I may never button my pants again- who knew a rubber band could change EVERYTHING?!? Having my pants feel tight is weird given the fact that I've actually lost weight since we started this IVF cycle.
• I'm hungry. Maybe not weird for the general population, but when you've spent the last year on a metformin induced hunger strike, being hungry is very strange.
• A blazing feeling in my esophagus. After eating the most bland things (like a banana) I feel like there is a bit of a fire brewing in my chest.
• Toast- still on the NO list. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner late last week not really thinking about the whole toast thing. I couldn't eat it. My husband thinks it is hilarious. He is constantly saying things like 'yeah, I get it. I mean, toast is super spicy and flavorful. It totally makes sense that the thought of it makes you want to vomit.' Blah, blah, blah... weirder things are bound to happen!
• Waterworks! This one is twofold. I'm a pee'ing machine- I used to be able to hold it for hours. Now if I don't wake up in the night to go, it is a delicate dance to the bathroom in the morning when my alarm goes off. Seriously, once I'm upright it becomes a VERY pressing issue. Also, I may not full on cry, but the eyes get glassy over the most ridiculous things. Like pretty much every episode of Glee. It is like being on lu.pron all over again.

And you know what? I love every single one of the crazy things happening with my body. This morning when I seriously nearly pee'd myself when I got out of bed I was so happy, because I know it is for the absolute best reason EVER!

Soooo, there may be an explanation for the crazy symptoms so early and the insanely early positive HPT (4dp5dt). My nurse just called with my beta... 398 at 9dp5dt. That is nearly 4 times higher than the positive we got with our first IVF cycle. E2 was 2,036 (starting just one estrace tomorrow) and progesterone was nice and high at 83 compared to last time's 14.4 at this point. 

Telling Hubs...

Hubs and I rarely do Christmas gifts. We both usually buy things that we want, when we want it so at Christmastime we usually focus on others, celebrate the holiday in other ways and exchange an annual ornament. A couple of weeks ago I found a pair of shoes that I liked, nothing extravagant, just a pair of TOMS. Since I can't make a decision to save my life, I didn't buy them the day we saw them. Instead I thought about it for a couple of weeks. On Friday I told hubs and I was going to buy them for myself as an early Christmas gift (because I love to justify a purchase) and he agreed as long and I wrapped them for myself too, Ha.
I already knew I was pregnant (and he didn't yet) so I thought this might be the way I would tell him. I figured I would tell him that if I was opening my "gift" early, then he should also. I had bought him a shirt, so I wrapped it up and made him an ornament. I opened my gift first- oooohhhh'd and ahhhh'd over the shoes I'd just bought for myself. Then he opened his. I love that moment. Even if he was VERY cautiously optimistic in that moment, I loved watching him get more excited with each passing minute.

Only a couple more days until beta day. I desperately just want it to be a higher number than last time (106), not that it means ANYTHING in terms of this baby/ies sticking around, but I need it to be different. In the meantime I keep praying for the babe/s snuggling in and continue testing just to watch the line get darker and calm my little infertile heart. 

Confessions of an addict...

It has never been a secret that I thought this cycle would work. And with knowing the thrill of being pregnant (even if I only knew it  for a very short amount of time) I wanted to know as soon as I possibly could. My doctor and nurse would both likely shoot me if they knew I was testing at all before my beta, and if they knew how early it began I'm sure I would get a pretty hefty lecture. However, its my choice... and I made it... at 4dp5dt. There I said it. I took a test mid-day just four days after the transfer of two perfect little blasts.

Oh, were you wondering what the result was? Yeah, it was positive. Two pink lines. No squinting needed- positive. I began wondering if it was a little leftover HCG trigger in my system (10.5dp trigger), so I remained cautiously optimistic (read: nearly wet my pants with joy) and decided I'd retest around the same time the following day to see if the line lightened or darkened. 

It was darker. I'm pregnant.

In all honesty, when I tested at 4dp5dt I was testing in hopes of seeing a negative. I wanted to know the trigger was gone, and that anything I saw from there on out was actually a pregnancy, not the dang trigger. So, when the faint line appeared I wasn't exactly sure what to think. I didn't even tell Hubs that I tested. I waited until after yesterday's much darker test to break the news that we are once again expecting. 

After everything that happened last time I was terrified that I'd be too scared to get excited this time. I felt so jaded after our miscarriage. I didn't think I'd ever feel that same joy that I felt in July. 

I was wrong. I've never been so happy to be wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong. I do still have thoughts like 'well, it was like this at this point last time, too- and we know how that ended up' but, as quickly as I think it, I also toss those thoughts aside. This pregnancy deserves to be celebrated for as long as it lasts- hopefully about 36 more weeks!

For the moment, I am thrilled. I know that the days that pass between beta one and beta two will be hard because it was then that it fell apart last time, but for now, we are celebrating :)

2dp5dt

A few random things...

• My two days of bed rest are O.V.E.R. but I've been taking it pretty easy today. I've spent a good chunk of time on the couch, but it felt SO good to be able to get up and make my own lunch. 
• Progesterone suppositories are gross. 
• I still have 3 Christmas gifts to buy... the same 3 I've had left for the last 4+ weeks. My husband's family is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for!
• Pinterest has been my saving grace through bed rest. 
• My husband cannot get home soon enough today! Am finally allowed to shower today, but last time I got super dizzy in my first shower after ET, so I'm waiting until he gets home. 
• I'm feeling good about this cycle. That was shaken a little yesterday when there was only one freezable embryo- but I'm feeling better, more confident today. 
• My beta is one week from today. 
• We're having dinner with friends on Friday night- I'm looking forward to doing something that does not revolve around IVF. 
• Here are my socks from the transfer....