Confessions of an addict...

It has never been a secret that I thought this cycle would work. And with knowing the thrill of being pregnant (even if I only knew it  for a very short amount of time) I wanted to know as soon as I possibly could. My doctor and nurse would both likely shoot me if they knew I was testing at all before my beta, and if they knew how early it began I'm sure I would get a pretty hefty lecture. However, its my choice... and I made it... at 4dp5dt. There I said it. I took a test mid-day just four days after the transfer of two perfect little blasts.

Oh, were you wondering what the result was? Yeah, it was positive. Two pink lines. No squinting needed- positive. I began wondering if it was a little leftover HCG trigger in my system (10.5dp trigger), so I remained cautiously optimistic (read: nearly wet my pants with joy) and decided I'd retest around the same time the following day to see if the line lightened or darkened. 

It was darker. I'm pregnant.

In all honesty, when I tested at 4dp5dt I was testing in hopes of seeing a negative. I wanted to know the trigger was gone, and that anything I saw from there on out was actually a pregnancy, not the dang trigger. So, when the faint line appeared I wasn't exactly sure what to think. I didn't even tell Hubs that I tested. I waited until after yesterday's much darker test to break the news that we are once again expecting. 

After everything that happened last time I was terrified that I'd be too scared to get excited this time. I felt so jaded after our miscarriage. I didn't think I'd ever feel that same joy that I felt in July. 

I was wrong. I've never been so happy to be wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong. I do still have thoughts like 'well, it was like this at this point last time, too- and we know how that ended up' but, as quickly as I think it, I also toss those thoughts aside. This pregnancy deserves to be celebrated for as long as it lasts- hopefully about 36 more weeks!

For the moment, I am thrilled. I know that the days that pass between beta one and beta two will be hard because it was then that it fell apart last time, but for now, we are celebrating :)