Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

Ironic...

There are a lot of reasons why I love blogging, one of the biggest is being able to go back to a certain date and seeing where I was in that moment. I've often looked back at the same day in the previous year to see how things had changed or not changed.

On THIS very day one year ago, I wrote about what I guess was the official end of my first pregnancy. It was the day my beta finally reached zero. Though I'm sure I was feeling sad for all that we'd lost, I was also ready to pick myself up and begin moving on. I was ready to start preparing both my heart and my body to try again- to attempt once more to find myself pregnant with the hope of carrying that baby (or babies!) until they were big enough and strong enough to come home with us.

I find it somewhat ironic that I wrote on that day about becoming 'un-pregnant', because today the same thing will happen, only this time my appointment is for a c-section not a beta. It is amazing in one year's time we've really come full circle. Dreams have been realized, and on a day that was bittersweet last year, I will this year have two sweet boys placed in my arms!

On this day...
4 years ago, we were in the midst of our first cycle of trying for a baby.
3 years ago, we were a couple of cycles into clomid.
2 years ago, we were in the process of beginning treatment with our RE.
1 year ago, we had just miscarried our first pregnancy.

And today... Today, we become parents and our family not only grows, it DOUBLES!!!!

5w1d

Yesterday I reached the five week mark. It is a weird to think that it will have been a little more than two weeks since any kind of testing when we go in for our ultrasound at 6w3d. I'm looking forward to it, but it is all a little scary at the same time. After having a miscarriage in August I feel like there is just this 'what if?' hanging over our heads. I'm trying really really hard to ignore it, but it is there. All the time. 

I had my check up with my PCP yesterday to go over my thyroid levels from Thursday. He agreed that while it would be good to have it lower, we caught it super early and it really wasn't super high. He drew blood again yesterday and it was only 2.47 instead of the 3.75 it was on Thursday (different labs). I have a feeling it has to do with my dose of estrace being cut in half beginning last Wednesday. I had been taking the morning dose three hours after my thyroid medication (as recommended) but I just have a feeling that made it spike up. My doctor did increase my dose yesterday from 75mcg to 100mcg,  and even with my level coming back at 2.47 yesterday I think my body will do fine with the increase. One less thing to worry about. We'll recheck in 4 weeks. 

Not much more to report. I have a few symptoms here and there but nothing horrible. I'm pretty sure the highlight of my week was picking up my endometrin refill this morning and not having to pay a cent for it! $45 copay + $ 50 coupon = ZERO out of pocket!!

Beta #2

I'm terrified.

I don't have any good reason to think things aren't progressing just fine, but the pregnancy from our last IVF cycle ruined me. I am so scared to get a call today that either starts with 'unfortunately' or ends with the words I heard last time... 'we'll just have to wait and see.' Today I'm looking for words like congratulations, pregnant, doubled, 800.

The worst part is, I feel like such a jerk for even posting that I'm scared. I mean Tuesday brought some pretty great looking numbers, numbers that some would argue sound an awful lot like twins. But, I try to be honest. And if I'm being honest, I'm terrified. Like really, really terrified.

Hopefully I'll be back this afternoon with some great news, until then say a prayer- cross your fingers- send good vibes... whatever it is you do, please do it!

Confessions of an addict...

It has never been a secret that I thought this cycle would work. And with knowing the thrill of being pregnant (even if I only knew it  for a very short amount of time) I wanted to know as soon as I possibly could. My doctor and nurse would both likely shoot me if they knew I was testing at all before my beta, and if they knew how early it began I'm sure I would get a pretty hefty lecture. However, its my choice... and I made it... at 4dp5dt. There I said it. I took a test mid-day just four days after the transfer of two perfect little blasts.

Oh, were you wondering what the result was? Yeah, it was positive. Two pink lines. No squinting needed- positive. I began wondering if it was a little leftover HCG trigger in my system (10.5dp trigger), so I remained cautiously optimistic (read: nearly wet my pants with joy) and decided I'd retest around the same time the following day to see if the line lightened or darkened. 

It was darker. I'm pregnant.

In all honesty, when I tested at 4dp5dt I was testing in hopes of seeing a negative. I wanted to know the trigger was gone, and that anything I saw from there on out was actually a pregnancy, not the dang trigger. So, when the faint line appeared I wasn't exactly sure what to think. I didn't even tell Hubs that I tested. I waited until after yesterday's much darker test to break the news that we are once again expecting. 

After everything that happened last time I was terrified that I'd be too scared to get excited this time. I felt so jaded after our miscarriage. I didn't think I'd ever feel that same joy that I felt in July. 

I was wrong. I've never been so happy to be wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong. I do still have thoughts like 'well, it was like this at this point last time, too- and we know how that ended up' but, as quickly as I think it, I also toss those thoughts aside. This pregnancy deserves to be celebrated for as long as it lasts- hopefully about 36 more weeks!

For the moment, I am thrilled. I know that the days that pass between beta one and beta two will be hard because it was then that it fell apart last time, but for now, we are celebrating :)

A Reply...

I received a comment on my 'Insensitive' post that I thought deserved a reply. I didn't have a way to reply to the poster specifically, so in hopes that she is reading- Amy, here is your reply! I hope you don't feel like I'm calling you out in anyway- I think your thoughts were well written and I can understand where you're coming from. I just feel like it is really important for me to put out there the feelings that so many of us face.

Amy writes (in black):
That's the thing though--some people really ARE clueless regarding what to say in those types of situations. It may have been insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she was purposely trying to be that way. (Agreed)


Like an earlier commenter said, I think trying to relate in some way is a natural human reaction. She probably doesn't know what to say but wanted to make you feel like you were not alone.The issue I have with this is, when does comparing situations EVER may anyone feel better? And for the record, I was alone, I was the only one who could go through that miscarriage, no one else was going to do it for me. I had to do it. Me. Alone. 


As for the adoption question, maybe she really was sincerely asking? I think most of the time, people who ask that aren't saying it like "OMG here is the greatest idea you've never thought of!" I think people are generally interested in if that's something you've considered. It might come across as insensitive, but I don't think it's inherently meant to be so. Bottom line, it came too soon after the most heartbreaking loss we'd ever experienced. There is a time and place for everything- days after losing your baby is not the time to be asked about adoption. No one wants to think about another baby when they are still grieving the one they just lost.

Having never dealt with a situation such as yours, I find my typical response to this type of tragic event is "I'm so sorry." Is that wrong? Should I be saying something else? No, you are absolutely right to say you're sorry, and honestly I think that is a good place to leave it. You can tell a person you're there for them, and offer a meal or a shoulder if they are ready, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them about your neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who it all worked out for- it is not the time. And no matter what works for someone else, it isn't going to change their situation. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do for some who is suffering is meet them in the 'suck.' Don't try to dig them out of their pit of despair. Meet them there- be present. 


I can't say that I wouldn't have thought to ask the very same questions she did--I think those types of questions are a natural reaction when you find out someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe she honestly just wanted to know more about your situation and that's why she asked about adoption? Maybe she's secretly struggling herself & wanted to know what your thought process was? Again, timing is everything. Can we agree that if you just heard about someone's kidney cancer you wouldn't likely just say to them- well there's always donor kidneys. Sure you might eventually ask if that is a possibility, but hopefully in that moment you would just meet them in their heartache and not start throwing out 'fixes' right away. 

This is going to sound like a huge generalization, but in my experience, it seems like people who struggle with infertility expect everyone else to immediately know how they should act, speak, and think about the situation. And as someone on the other side of that, that's not the case. Often, I see posts discussing how stupid "fertiles" are and bemoaning people who celebrate their pregnancies in natural, normal ways, and what jerks they are for doing so. The truth is, I DON'T know what to say. I DON'T know how to act. But I strive to be sensitive and understanding. I don't know that the infertile community thinks everyone should just know how to act around someone who is struggling, but I do think as a whole we expect people to at the very least think before they speak. Telling us that you'd gladly give us one of your children- not helpful. Telling us that we're "lucky" we are able to sleep in because we don't have kids- not helpful. Again, but being present as a friend/sister is the most comforting thing you can do. Google is a great resource- don't expect your friends or family who are going though IVF or the like, to explain the entire process to you. Knowledge is power, and it will feel great to the person that you're supporting if you've taken the initiative to find out what they are going though.  


And yet, I still think if you are able to get pregnant, with the help of drugs or not, you deserve to celebrate that whole-heartedly. Absolutely! 


I think sometimes that understanding and sensitivity that's wanted by people struggling with infertility could go both ways.  I have to say, I think it does. Though I often vent about 'fertiles' on my personal blog as I would in a journal- more often than not I just allow the words and actions of others to just roll off my back. I get that there is absolutely NO WAY to understand the heartache if you've never been there. More importantly, people who are dealing with infertility are suffering from a DISEASE and grieving the loss of many things in the process. Theses individuals are likely not concerned about how THEIR infertility is making OTHERS feel.


I've posted this link before- and I'm posting it again because I think it is perfectly written. 

What infertile couples want and need

Insensitive...

Okay, on to the insensitive comment, or was it an insensitive gesture... probably both.

A little back story in bullet points:

• Our parents were the only people in our families to know about our infertility and IVF, except my brother and his girlfriend.
• We told our parents and 3 of our 4 siblings about the pregnancy right away.
• We never had a chance to tell my sister-in-law before we found out things weren't looking so good.
• After we were sure a miscarriage was imminent, hubs called both of our moms and asked them to relay the news to our siblings- cautioning my MIL that SIL didn't even know about the pregnancy.
• Hubs also made it VERY clear on both calls that we had ZERO desire to talk about what happened, and that we'd prefer to be left alone until we were ready.
• For some reason MIL thought that this was a good time to share our infertility with SIL in addition to the miscarriage. But either forgot to mention or didn't stress nearly enough, that this was not something we wanted to talk about.

So, SIL calls hubs (at work no less) and starts talking to him about the miscarriage. Hubs, obviously not wanting to talk about this at work (or at all) gave quick one word answers as she proceeded to shove her foot in her mouth over and over.

"Have you guys thought about adoption?" ...Seriously, I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. At this time the week before I was pregnant! And no, in all three years of trying, adoption NEVER crossed our minds- thank you SO much for the original idea, you're a lifesaver. And PS, adopting a baby is not going to change the fact that we JUST lost a baby that we were already completely in love with.

"We have some friends who adopted from a couple different countries, and all along we just thought they were doing the 'diversified family' thing, turns out they can't have kids." ...Um,okay but if ever we ever make the huge decision to adopt, it would not be in an effort to treat our family like our stock portfolio, thankyouverymuch!

"We've been trying for a long time too, but we haven't seen a doctor or anything. So, I know how it feels" ...Guess what? You don't have any idea how it feels. Unless you've been in these shoes and faced the same things, please don't compare... and even then, it's different.


The first two I find absolutely asinine, while the third makes my blood boil. I do not understand why people think that being able to relate somehow makes it all better. Can you not just tell someone that your sorry and not turn a horrible thing into something about you? Especially when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. I completely understand sharing with someone that you've been there, but if you do... make sure that you really HAVE been there.  Last time I checked, not getting pregnant from unprotected sex is not at all similar to not getting/staying pregnant after investing thousands of dollars and 1.5+ years into fertility drugs and treatments.

Needless to say, although I hate that the hubs had to field a call like that, we are both glad it was him and not me. I would not have been even half as kind as he was, and the holidays would have been very awkward this year. I haven't seen her since the call, and I'm trying really hard to just get over it, but I can't seem to forgive her actions. Perhaps spewing it out on the Internet will be the first step.

Too controlled?

So, I took my last birth control pill on Wednesday morning, and here I am Sunday evening with not even as much as a single spot. It really doesn't matter too much, I'm pretty sure all it will mean is a few less BCPs as we prepare for this cycle- I was going to be on them a little longer than usual to push us out past the Thanksgiving holiday. But, it is still annoying. I'm hopeful just blogging about it will make it happen, that in addition to a couple hours at the gym in the morning.

Nearly every Thursday I think of the baby we lost. Thursday is the day I would've been another week pregnant, but this week I didn't think about it, and just now when I thought about it, I wasn't sure how many weeks I would've been. Of course I counted, and I'd be 16 weeks. At first it kind of made me sad, but after about two seconds of thought, it made me happy. It makes me know that I really am ready to do this all over again- no matter what. I honestly can't think of anything I wouldn't do for our babies at this point- any amount of pain and heartache will be worth it.

We recently converted the closet in our guest bedroom into a office niche. I'm loving it because it means eventually (read: once I get my act together) there were will be fewer things residing in our soon-to-be nursery. I also love it because our guest bedroom is one of my favorite rooms in the house. I love the decor in there, and that room is always neat and tidy. Its the perfect place to slip away, pay some bills, listen to some tunes and send my thoughts out onto the internet. Nearly the entire back wall of the niche is a bulletin board, and I think I'll fill a portion of it with quotes-- any suggestions?

I'm running out of pants...  Tonight the hubs and I decided that we should probably leave the house for a little bit and when I went to get dressed for a casual dinner I put on my smallest pair of jeans that I recently shrunk on accident and they are fitting kind of loose and are certainly too short for fall. They were ok at the end of summer with flips or cuffed with flats, but I think their days are numbered. I think I'll try to make my other jeans work for a little longer since the stim bloat is just a few weeks away. Then I can re-evaluated after Christmas... and hopefully start considering some maternity pants! Hello elastic waist band :)

As the hubs and I were talking at dinner I realized I had a story for y'all. Did I ever tell you the one about the insensitive sister-in-law just days after our miscarriage? I'll have to check, but I don't think I did... wow.

I'll save it for tomorrow.

And, I'll wait to blog tomorrow until after I've been to the gym so I can tell you who I raced.

Because I know you're dying to know.

(Can you say wildly schizophrenic post? Wow, I'm sorry!)

In a year...

About once a month I randomly think to check out my blog archives and see what I was doing the previous year on that date.

One year ago today we found out that our first IUI cycle didn't work. I kinda of remember being sad that day, but mostly I remember turning the other cheek, and getting ready to do it all over again. I was determined.

In the last year, we've faced a few more failures and a short lived success. Since that day, we've done five more IUI cycles, two natural cycles, and and a round of IVF/ICSI. I've received five more phone calls relaying the news that I wasn't pregnant, one telling me I was pregnant, one telling me I might still be pregnant, one with the news that it didn't look good, one saying the pregnancy wasn't viable and to stop taking my meds, one relaying the news that my beta was under ten, and one that it had finally reached zero.

What a difference a year makes.

Even though we are in the same spot... not pregnant, we've learned a great deal about our bodies, and we've faced challenges that seemed unthinkable. We are stronger for it.

On Wednesday I'll take my last birth control pill for our 'rest cycle' and we'll officially our second IVF cycle just a few days later. I'm excited, but it doesn't take away the bit of anxiety that is in the back of my mind thinking- what if it happens again? But, I keep reminding myself I have two choices:

1. Quit because I'm scared
2. Face my fears

If I learned anything from the trials last summer brought, it was that I'm plenty capable of facing my fears, and if it all happens again- I'm also plenty capable of pulling myself back up.

Thankful for the classics....

So, I know I've said before that ever since I started taking met.formin and thyroid medication I've been losing weight. Like a significant amount of weight. As of today I'm down 42 pounds. That is a lot.

Back in August after the miscarriage I needed something to keep my hands busy so I went through my closet and got rid of a few things that I didn't like anymore. There were several things that no longer fit, so they got packed away in a tub to be re-evaluated when I'm pregnant.

Yesterday morning (-10 lbs later) I was attempting to find something to wear this weekend for a family picture that is being taken. I tried on a few things that were too big and thus began another stroll through the closet removing everything that was too large... another huge plastic tub. While it is great that I'm losing weight, my closet looks SO SAD! I don't really want to go out and buy a bunch of new things considering I'm paying a lot of money in an attempt to have my body change significantly in the next few months.  Plus, it seems like every time I buy something new if I don't wear it within the first few weeks of ownership it needs to be returned because it doesn't fit. Efff! Its a never ending cycle. Right now my options include a few new things and everything else is circa 2006 or older. Thank God I've never been one to buy tons of super trendy clothing! I typically stick to classic staples and then spice things up with jewelry or other accessories- so luckily, even the older pieces aren't too out of date.

I know, not a horrible problem to have but SO annoying!

Quick weekend recap...

The weekend... it was great. I needed to get out of town and the trip ended up being more than I could have asked for. I spent time with friends, some time relaxing and a lot of time just quietly reflecting on everything that has happened in the last few months.

My good friend gave me a little token to remember our first little babe. Since we would have been due in April she gave me a clear bead for my necklace, which goes perfectly with my 'I can do hard things' charm. Love it!

As I already shared, we spent a day at the beach. After getting over the fact that there are some hard memories in that place, I had a really great time. There is just something about sitting watching the waves roll in that just calms me. It was exactly what I needed.

On Sunday I met up with my parents and went to church at the church I grew up in. The final hymn that we sang was one I don't ever remember singing in the past. While I wasn't a huge fan of the tune- the lyrics could not have been a more perfect ending to my weekend.

Lord Jesus, You Shall Be My Song

Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I journey. I’ll tell all my brothers about you wherever I go. For our life and our peace and our love is Yourself. Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I Journey.

Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey. May all of my Joys be a faithful reflection of You. May the earth and the sea and the sky Join my song. Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey.

As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant, To carry your cross and to share all your burdens and tears. For you saved me by giving your body and blood. As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant.

I fear in the dark and the doubt of my Journey. But courage will come with the sound of your steps by my side, And with all of my brothers you’ve saved by your love, We’ll sing to your dawn at the end of our Journey.

Crossing Bridges

You know the saying "I'll cross that bridge when I get there"? Well, there have been a lot of those after all of the happenings if the last summer. I've chosen to deal with feelings as they arise, and not worry about the feelings that may go with a situation/day/event until it happens, because really, even I don't have any idea what is going to be a trigger.

Well, I crossed a bridge this weekend. I'm not sure I ever shared how we told our families that we were expecting, in fact, I'm pretty sure that post is sitting in my archives as a draft. Anyway- Hub's parents were out of town about an hour from our hometown and about 4 hours from where we now call home. We drove there the night of our first beta. It's a place we'd both spent a lot of time growing up, and hadn't been in years. Well, just a little over 8 weeks later, I went back. As we drove down the road where his parents were staying when we told them, it kind of took my breath away- but truth be told, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I sat on the beach for a couple of hours just thinking about it all. And I felt at total peace. I was able to think and truly believe this is part if my story, part of the plan, something that I'll grow in big ways from, something that has already changed my heart in big-never-going-to-forget kinds of ways.

I'm not saying the hard days are a thing of he past, but I AM saying I've crossed another bridge and dangit, I'm proud of myself!

What should have been...

I should be twelve weeks today. I should be at that magical point in my pregnancy where it is 'safe' to share the news openly. The point where you no longer need to be selective about what you say and who you tell. I've been looking forward to this day for years. Sharing our happy news. Instead there is nothing to tell, we lost our baby 6 weeks ago.

It sucks.

I'm getting out of town for a few days. I need a change of pace, and change of scenery. I need to deal with these feelings and I'm thinking a nice long drive with the windows down and the music turned up just might be the perfect medicine.

Don't get me wrong, the good days far out number the hard ones. It feels weird when a wave of hurt or sadness comes, because honestly for the most part, I really am doing well. I spend most days happy, looking forward to everything that is on the horizon for us. I think that is why it catches me so off guard- I have a new normal, and it isn't sadness.

So, excuse me while I step away for a few days. I'm going to spend time with a girlfriend I've known since elementary school. She just gets me, she knows the whole story and although she hasn't been in this exact situation, she certainly knows heartache, hurt and a struggle. Her faith is amazing, and I'm sure she'll be exactly what I need right now. Hopefully I'll return with a renewed spirit and a heart that is ready to take on all of the exciting things that are heading our way in the next several weeks. I'm confident I will. I just need a little time.

And one more thing... I've now called our insurance company NINE times about the same claim.... from MAY! Nine times. If it isn't fixed this time I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously. I felt a little sorry for sweet Megan on the other end of the phone line yesterday because she was on the receiving end of my frustration from the previous 8 phone calls... but for the love, what is it going to take?!?! A TRIAL embryo transfer does is not equal to a FULL A.R.T cycle. I know that you have no idea how big of a deal this is, but FIGURE IT OUT!

Ahhhhh, much better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

Ok.. maybe one more thing, Prov.era and weight gain? In the past I've taken prom.etrium and I don't remember having this issue. I was losing like 2 lbs a week, and now this week I'm up FIVE! It is killing me. I don't know that I've ever gained on fertility drugs- hopefully when I swallow the last pill tonight it will all magically melt away. Anyone else have this problem?

Winning....

Ha, hardly a "prize", but my missing period has won me a trip to the clinic this afternoon for a hot date. The Wand. Hopefully all is well in there and we can get this show on the road. The only good thing about all of this, is it just might push our IVF cycle back a tiny bit and we may be able to find ourselves surrounded by family at an actual table on Thanksgiving, rather than eating turkey TV dinners from the laying position on bed rest. More importantly, it might mean Black Friday shopping for me.... watch out folks, hormonal woman with giant ovaries coming thru!!!!

As always, I'll be back with the update!

Two Things...

I am currently in a very weird place. A place I haven't really been before. I just went through a pretty traumatic experience, but I've come out the other side much different than I ever expected I would. And, obviously much different than other people expected too. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of comments both on my blog and in real life that I'm being too hard on myself and rushing through the grieving process. I've heard that we shouldn't rush into anything, and that it will take me a long time to get over this.

Here's what I'd like to say to those people... shut your mouth. I know they are all well meaning, but I'm not one to put on a show. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say I'm ready, it is because I am.

Let me assure you I screamed and cried, I yelled and asked why this had to happen to us. I sat in my backyard for days on end just waiting to feel something to let me know that life was going to continue moving forward. That's how I did this. I met the pain and suffering head on- I lived it 24 hours a day, no distractions. And at a certain point, it is time to start picking up the pieces. For me that came in the weeks following my miscarriage, for others I know it takes longer-- but, I urge you to remember it is different for everyone. Let it go when the time comes, when you're ready. It doesn't matter if that day comes weeks or months later- you'll know.

In my house growing up it was common to hear the phrase 'crying isn't going to change anything.' Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if we were not allowed to cry or that is was discouraged, but it was the reality of the situation. Though letting out some tears may make you feel better, crying isn't going to physically change things. It will not bring your cat back from the dead, it will not change your punishment, it will not make your wedding plans go more smoothly, it won't bring your boyfriend back from his job across the country, and unfortunately it will not make my first IVF cycle turn out any differently.

At a certain point I had to stop being angry about what didn't happen and begin accepting what did. And let me tell you, that made all the difference. It wasn't that I needed to 'get over' what happened, I will probably never be really over it- instead I needed to accept it. I needed to cognitively understand that I was pregnant and then we lost it. And all the while, I needed to focus on the first part. That I WAS pregnant- a huge success, something we had never reached in three years of trying. Obviously I didn't want it to end as it did, but I want to remember those sweet days with a smile instead of a bitter taste in my mouth- that little life deserves that, and so do I.

I spent days feeling guilty for being happy, because it was obvious other people thought I should still be hurting. It made me feel like I was wrong to start moving on. It made me feel like I hadn't been sad enough for long enough. Like I hadn't loved my baby enough. But then, then my rational side set in, and with that I thought to myself those people can go fly a kite (not even close to the REAL thought I had, but lets leave the profanities out of it). It is ridiculous for anyone else to lay expectations on my grief, and it is even more ludicrous for me to feel guilty because of what someone else thinks, especially in this situation. It was time for me to let grief go, and trust the author of my story.

All of this long drawn out post to say two things....
1. Please don't tell someone how its going to be- it is different for everyone. Support your peers, don't judge them. Tell them what helped you and encourage them by telling them you've been there, but you made it. Don't make a difficult time harder by putting stipulations on their feelings. That is far from helpful. Meet them in the midst of the suck and just be there.

2. I'm content with where we are right now, and it feels amazing!

A quote worth sharing....

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.

- Elizabeth Kubler Ros

Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)

Worth It...

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."

-Beth Moore

I often say, victory isn't as sweet without a struggle- I think that fits here. When things are just handed to us, we begin to expect blessings instead of being great full for them. How many times have you thought your fertile friends or family have taken their sweet (and not so sweet) children for granted? And, how many times have you vowed to not do the same with your own children should they (finally!) arrive?

This struggle to become a mama has taught me MANY things, not the least of which is how to be a better parent once my day comes. I've learned there are things much worse to keep me up at night than a fussy baby or piles of dirty laundry. The alternative being tears and heartache or alarm clocks and injections. I for one, would choose a sweet babe (crying or not) any day. However, I'm not sure everyone (especially those who haven't walked in these shoes) would make that same choice.

Sure, there are days when I've certainly 'misunderstood' God. I've been angry with him, asked him countless times WHY this was happening to me. Why I had to have a miscarriage. Why I've had to watch my husband's painful longing to be a daddy. BUT today, He is not misunderstood in this heart of mine. I believe with every ounce of my being that He has big plans for me. Plans that include babies, one way or another. He is preparing me, and my heart for what is to come.....

and with everything we've faced I have a feeling it is going to be BIG and SO worth the wait!

... Its almost Wednesday! I am DYING to get a plan in place- soon, very soon!!

Martina....

Ummm, did anyone watch GMA on Thursday morning?

Martina McBride's new video for 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' was on. The song is about a woman battling cancer and her husband loving her through the hard times, but I could certainly relate to the chorus. My husband has been such a rock through everything we've faced in the last three years, and even more so in the last three weeks. I am very thankful to have such a strong, loving and caring man with me on this journey!

Perfect advice for me...

Yesterday as I was googling my favorite etsy shop thinking about a new piece of jewelry, I ended up on a the personal blog of one of the women who runs the shop. She had recently posted a series on Pregnancy Loss and it was in the third installment that one of the contributors wrote the most perfect advice (at least in my opinion) about grief.

When you want to cry, cry. When you want to laugh, laugh. Don’t make a game plan for your grief. Embrace it, feel it and let it go when it’s ready to leave, however short or long that might be. Know that some days will be better than others, and that when you least expect it, grief will come back to visit.

I think that we often get caught up in how we should be feeling, and forget to just embrace how we are feeling- especially in times of grief. It doesn't matter if you are grieving the loss of a pregnancy, the idea of naturally getting pregnant, the ending of treatments or not having the natural delivery you had hoped for. The truth of the matter is, grief is NOT one size fits all, we all do it differently- at differing speeds, with various emotions and feeling about the future.