Change of Plans...

The vast majority of this post was written a week ago, it's just taken a long time to finished tapping out the words---

It is crazy how much things can change in just the span of a month. At this time last month we were coming off our consultation with our RE, preparing to get started with our FET this month-- more accurately, this  week.

We had, just two days before our RE appointment, found out that one of our boys was lagging behind his peers (we were aware, just not of  its extent) and that he had qualified for "services" through our county's early intervention services. We were also told at that evaluation that because of his delays  we also had the option of having him assessed for autism. In  the moment, I  said "of course" but really didn't worry about it. I  was feeling fairly certain that wasn't the case. It was just before the holiday break and because early intervention is part of the school district, the evaluation process was pushed off until the new year.

Fast forward a week, when I received a packet from our RE outlining what we were about to embark on along with the deposit bill, and I had some serious second thoughts. Hubs and I talked it through and we decided that maybe it would be best to get our footing, see the evaluations through and see how things went  with our early intervention home visits before committing ourselves to more stress and appointments with testing/transfer/bed rest.

I'm not going to lie, it was a very hard decision. We were ready. So very ready.  And last night when I took the last active pill in my current package of birth control I thought to myself, "this week was supposed to be so different." This week  I should have been preparing myself for testing on Friday- instead, on Friday Hubs will take  the  day off and we will meet with our school district's autism specialist and she will explain to us how the evaluation process will look.

Obviously, we will do whatever we need to for our precious little man. No diagnosis will change how much we love and care for him. But, this week we find ourselves sorting through what-ifs. We are now hyper aware of EVERYTHING he does and doesn't do and in all honesty, it is exhausting. I'm ready to get the evaluation underway and be able to know exactly what his needs are and the best way to address them.

Of course, after Hubs took friday off, our appointment was canceled. We'll try again this evening- the specialist comes tonight to explain the process and answer our questions- she'll be back tomorrow to begin the evaluation. I'm anxious. Ready to get this show on the road, and also anxious about the results. I'm trying HARD to not put the cart before the horse, but it's tricky.

3 in 3.5

So, as promised... HERE I AM... writing something! I can feel your excitement!

Today you get to hear about preparing for baby #3. I had literally never thought of the fact that IF we get pregnant when we are tentatively planning to (I seriously laughed out loud when I wrote that!)- Planning... you would've thought I had gotten over that a LOOOONG time ago! ok- back to my  thought, if we get pregnant in the first part of 2015 like we are hoping, that will mean I will give birth to three babies in a 3.5 year span of time. Whoa. I know people do it, I just generally let out the tiniest gasp and try to conceal my widening eyes when I hear of them! I have always, ALWAYS thought those mom/families were bordering on the crazy side of things. And here I am. A nice little reminder not to judge other people's choices!

In my defense, I have twins. Its different. Or so I tell myself. But in reality, most people would likely say it makes  me more crazy. That is ok. I love this hard, sticky, wet kisses, snuggling, sometimes smelly season of life. Days can be a challenge, and nights can be exhausting but I can easily say, this is what I was made for.  Being a mom is my everything and I hope we are able to  add to  this  family of ours.  

In the meantime we are working hard to get into better shape both just for ourselves and for H & A, but also so carrying another pregnancy can be as successful  as  my twin  pregnancy. To do that, I decided I had some weight to lose.  Arg. Not all that fun, but hubs was on board to follow along so it is something we are doing together which is kind of fun.  We, very  much on a whim, decided to  go all in and attempt transitioning to a paleo influenced way of life. Um, just in time for fair/festival and BBQ season, good plan... not really. 

However- I cannot tell you how happy we've been with  it. I'm not going to lie, the first week was a little slice of hell, but ever since we  both have felt so much better in terms of overall health.  Less headaches and stomach issues for hubs and less fatigue for both of us. I'd say in general we are eating paleo about 80% of the time, and for us  that is working. We still feel good having a little added sugar or  a few carbs here or there, but when we go  off completely-- holy cow, it is amazing how quickly we are both feeling somewhat sorry for our transgression! The change in how we feel would be enough to keep me trying to maintain the diet, but dropping 12 lbs since the end of May doesn't hurt either!

I still have a ways to go before I get where I would like to be when I conceive again, but I still have gobs of time to get there!

As a side note: I want to remember as hubs and I get more and more serious about our next round of treatments, A is getting serious too. We have a big doll, like the size of a 10-12 month old. For months she has spent most of her days at the bottom of the toy basket. Until recently when A  started dragging her out, bringing her to me, giving her a kiss and walking away. It is the cutest thing EVER.Then after he's left to play with other things and I've had my fill of holding a fake baby I set her down on the floor and usually within a minute he is back at my feet holding  the baby wanting me  to take her. Looks like at least one of the boys is  ready for a little sister or brother!

six months

I just called my RE's office for the first time in a very long time. It was such a weird,  surreal experience. It was like nothing had changed and like everything had changed all at once. 

Instead of sitting on my end of the line proclaiming to the receptionist that YET AGAIN cycle day one had arrived and feeling a twinge of hope alongside the daunting reality that a baby could still be YEARS away, I was sitting in my living room with two babies giggling themselves to sleep a couple of rooms away. I was checking in on the absence of the annual babysitting bill for our embryos. ((Which leads me to a question, do you pay annually for the storing of your embryos? I was under the impression this was completely standard, but was told by someone recently that they do not pay an annual fee for storage.-- we pay about $350 per year, if you were curious. ))

Anyway, it was weird. Though I do desperately want another baby or maybe even two, it was different calling the office. I was mostly checking on the bill, but also looking into some insurance stuff for when we head back  this fall for an  FET consult with hopes of a transfer in early 2015. Somehow it just wasn't as terrifying.  I get that I have two perfect babies at home, perhaps knowing the physicians already makes it easier, or maybe it is just that I have more of an understanding of what to expect. I know the drill. I suspect that come fall/winter I  will find plenty of things to stress about, but until then, I am so grateful for this complete calm about what is  ahead.  

In other news- we're having a garage sale  this weekend. How is it that every single time I forget how much work it  is to have one? I know it will  feel great to get several things out of our house and to gain a little cash for  the things we don't need anymore, but seriously, somebody remind me next year that it is a TON of work to get it all pulled together! Thankfully Hubs is  totally on board for helping so, fingers crossed, it should be an enjoyable weekend of hanging out  outside and getting rid of all the things that take up every bit of our garage!

What else? The boys are HUGE. We sneak in most nights on our way to bed and cover them up and last night we both just couldn't hardly take how big they looked in their cribs. My babies will be TWO in less than two months. -- H is a horrid sleeper and wakes up most nights somewhere between 1 and 3am. He has a horrible time getting  back to sleep and most of the time in the last couple of weeks he has needed to come to bed with us in order to settle back down-- unless I want to rock him for two hours, which for the record, I do not. This is one of those 'twins are way harder' areas. If  it was just H,  I could easily sleep in forever in the morning with him, but his stellar sleeper of a brother tends up  wake up for  the day just about  the time H is finally calming down on the roughest nights. If you are following along that means this mama of VERY busy twin almost two year olds  doesn't get enough sleep. 

Does all of that sleep talk make you wonder WHY in the world I would even consider wanting to get pregnant again? Yeah, me too! But, I have hope that by the time I'm growing another babe both boys will be sleeping much better. Six months. Surely we can do it. Right?

Mini-van...

So, the time is coming.

Like getting really, really close.

The Sub.aru is going to get traded. My once upon a time "mom car" is already been/being out grown. It will likely be a better fit in a few months when the boys turn around in their car seats, but in reality, the amount of stuff required for traveling with twins + our monster very well loved stroller + monster car seats = a need for a much larger car! I am so excited to be able to get everyone inside the car and then worry about getting everyone strapped in and ready to go. Seriously, I HATE standing in the rain and also as the boys get older it is becoming more possible to get in and out of stores without the stroller, but getting one to stand with me while I strap the other in-- IMPOSSIBLE. Its time. I kind of didn't think I was ready, but the time has come and as we think about adding to our family I know it is one of those things that just cant be avoided.

So, my dear readers, which one do you have? Have you rented one on a vacation that you loved? We aren't planning to buy new- it is just not our style. At this very moment we are almost certain, we'll buy a Honda Odyssey.

Knowing..

We've been talking a ton about adding to our family lately. Honestly, ever since the early days if parenting twins we've been talking to the boys about the sibling(s) they'll have someday. We've always known. It's never really been a question, even on the most difficult if days-- this mama's heart is sure, there will be another-- at least one, maybe more.

I  received an email recently asking me about having twins and  how and when we made the decision that we wanted more.  I never answered the email because each time I started to type, the words sounded so silly to me,  cliché and canned. So unhelpful to this person several states away that I don't know. But here is what I should have said....

• I knew when I was a little girl that I'd be pregnant more than once. I never really idealized pregnancy as a child, I just imagined I'd do it more than once. 
• Hubs and I both grew up in families with three kids, we both always assumed we'd likely have the same. 
• Even through the countless fertility treatments, I still imagined doing it all more than once. 
• When I got pregnant with twins I was (am still am) completely satisfied, but I still knew I'd like another if it was possible. 
• As I went through a very uneventful pregnancy with multiples, I knew I could and God willing, would do it again. 
• When my boys were born screaming and peeing, and I watched as my husband became a daddy- I knew. 
• When I held and kissed slimy babies who knew me from their first breath as their mama, I was sure. 
• And, my feeling have only been affirmed since then- I hope and pray it's all possible again. I am a mom through and through. 

All of that said, I know it isn't the same for everyone. Some take a long time to realize something, or rather somebody, is missing from their family. One things I've heard over and over from seasoned moms who are done having babies- you will know. There will be a moment of clarity. Sometimes its in the trenches of a tough situation- sometimes its when your family just feels so right and full in a perfect moment. I obviously can't say if that is true or not, because I am not there yet. I hope that in just the same way I know I'd like another, someday I'll have a peace about being done as well.

Crossed Wires...

So, the other night Hubs and I were sitting watching the circus that is our living room in the evenings. As usual, we looked at each other, smiled and both said how much we loved our family and our boys. I saw the twinkle in his eye, and I knew what was coming. 'I wonder what it will be like to add another.' He then proceeded to say- are you still planning to move forward in January.

My eyes widened, and I stopped breathing.

I'm not sure how the wires got crossed, but I assured him we would be moving forward in A January... but not this one! He laughed, reminded me I'm almost 31 (in 7 months!) and agreed that NEXT January really is a better plan in terms of the boys. I'm not going to lie- I'd be game to move forward in a few short weeks- I loved being pregnant and I adore the newborn phase, but I am not ready to have my boys be anywhere but the center of my universe. They need my undivided attention for at least one more year-- they are still babies!

I'm not sure how, after several conversations on the topic we still walked away with differing thoughts on the matter, but I'm glad we could both agree ... 13 months from now we will be hoping and praying a fall baby will be joining our family!

Baby #3... This is not an announcement!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I feel 100% crazy for thinking about baby #3 as much as I do. Like for serious.

I was talking with a group of women the other day, and was talking about the stack of totes sitting in our bedroom waiting to be put in the attic. There are six totes full of the first year of clothing that we are keeping. That, and a breast pump, a nursing pillow and a pile of clothing that needs to be sorted into the tubs or put in yet another.  I joked that they'd likely still be sitting there when we had another baby. It was a joke, but with how slowly those types of projects happen around here... It isn't totally out if the question.  Which, somehow thrills me.

I have a very odd sense of hope about getting pregnant again. Don't be fooled, I'm not thinking it's going to happen naturally, in fact, that probably will not be a possibility as I plan to stay on birth control until our FET. But I have a calm about it all, like its going to happen and I don't need to worry about the 'what if??' I cannot tell you how happy I am about this. I didnt realize until I was pregnant just how depressed I was when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. I have no desire to go there again, and certainly no desire for my boys to see me at that type of low.

I think we've settled on a year from now- that's when we'll start really pursuing an FET and all that it entails. I'm sure there will be tests that need to be updated and some other things that will need addressing. In the meantime, we will be enjoying everyday with our sweet boys and soaking in our time with the two of them. I'll be working toward getting as healthy as possible in preparation for another complication free pregnancy.

A weighty post...

It's on. I've let it slide for far too long- the postpartum weight has got to go. Notice, I did not call it baby weight, that's because I lost all that. By about 4-6 weeks postpartum I'd lost all 40lbs I gained during my twin pregnancy, then in the coming weeks after starting the mini pill, seeing a decrease in my milk supply, and losing all my daytime help... I gained about 25lbs back. Yuck! That was not part of my plan. Not at all. And let me tell you, it is hard work to lose that weight with two tiny babies at home and not a lot of time to worry about what it is you're eating!

So, the time is now. I'm starting to think about my next pregnancy (even if its a year or more off) and what I want for my body before my new little bean is growing in there. I want to start that pregnancy at a significantly lower weight, I want my body to be more fit and healthy- I want to prepare myself for the biggest gift ever- pregnancy, birth and the blessing of patenting another little human :)

I'm trying to be more active with the boys on days we are at home. Dance parties, lots of 'I'm gunna get you games', making more trips that I need to with laundry and toys to put away. On days we go out I try to go places where we can do a good bit of walking. Then there is diet. At the moment I'm just using my fitness pal to track calories without paying too much attention to WHAT those calories are. I figure once I get into a good rhythm of recording and tracking I'll take on one meal at a time and try to make most of the calories-- though really, I think I already have breakfast and lunch pretty figured out. I just need to come up with more healthy dinner ideas and fight the urge to have hubs pick up dinner on his way home one those long busy days-- which are plentiful!

I've already lost 10 of those 25 postpartum pounds and I am REALLY looking forward to getting the rest OFF... for good! If I can keep up with what I've started, I'm projecting being back (again!) at my pre-pregnancy weight by sometime in January! And then, I the work continues-- until we're ready to transfer, I'll be working on getting myself as healthy as possible in preparation of hopefully carrying another easy, drama free pregnancy!

Preparing to jump... revisitied

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about the possibility of going off birth control in an effort to put in our 'one year of trying' so we'd line up with when we'd like to do an FET likely in early 2015.

There is big news on that front- our insurance requires no referral, or registering for infertility services. Our previous insurance required both a referral to an RE and we had to register as infertile with a specific branch of the company. At which time they asked and recorded all that we'd tried and we were cleared to see an RE. This is not the case with our new insurance. So, I am able to stay on birth control right up until we are ready to jump back in.

I am so glad it is working our this way for us. I was really worried about what my body would do without birth control. I'm not convinced met.formin would make me cycle regularly and I cannot imagine taking progesterone every couple of months with two one year olds at home- that stuff makes me SO TIRED!

So, now we don't really have to plan ahead. When we're ready, we make the appointment, and its GO TIME! If we keep with our current plan, that will be in about a year- crazy- and really exciting!