Sometimes I'd like to...

...throw bricks at stupid peoples' faces. Ok, so maybe that is kinda harsh, but have you seen this little gem on Facebook?

IS EXPECTING!!!!!!! 6 weeks!! I know it's crazy ain't it? I can't believe it myself! I wasn't going to put it on here but wanted to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we're expecting! Yup, its official.... we are expecting Santa in just 6 weeks!!!

Last night when I couldn't sleep it seemed like a good idea to open facebook on my phone... WRONG! The person who posted this has already gotten pregnant twice and birthed two babies in the time we've been trying to get pregnant... and the youngest is nearly ONE! Why do people think fake pregnancy announcements are so funny? 

But, I'm not bitter. Not.at.all. 

Nor am I hormonal. 

Just for the record. 

A Reply...

I received a comment on my 'Insensitive' post that I thought deserved a reply. I didn't have a way to reply to the poster specifically, so in hopes that she is reading- Amy, here is your reply! I hope you don't feel like I'm calling you out in anyway- I think your thoughts were well written and I can understand where you're coming from. I just feel like it is really important for me to put out there the feelings that so many of us face.

Amy writes (in black):
That's the thing though--some people really ARE clueless regarding what to say in those types of situations. It may have been insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she was purposely trying to be that way. (Agreed)


Like an earlier commenter said, I think trying to relate in some way is a natural human reaction. She probably doesn't know what to say but wanted to make you feel like you were not alone.The issue I have with this is, when does comparing situations EVER may anyone feel better? And for the record, I was alone, I was the only one who could go through that miscarriage, no one else was going to do it for me. I had to do it. Me. Alone. 


As for the adoption question, maybe she really was sincerely asking? I think most of the time, people who ask that aren't saying it like "OMG here is the greatest idea you've never thought of!" I think people are generally interested in if that's something you've considered. It might come across as insensitive, but I don't think it's inherently meant to be so. Bottom line, it came too soon after the most heartbreaking loss we'd ever experienced. There is a time and place for everything- days after losing your baby is not the time to be asked about adoption. No one wants to think about another baby when they are still grieving the one they just lost.

Having never dealt with a situation such as yours, I find my typical response to this type of tragic event is "I'm so sorry." Is that wrong? Should I be saying something else? No, you are absolutely right to say you're sorry, and honestly I think that is a good place to leave it. You can tell a person you're there for them, and offer a meal or a shoulder if they are ready, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them about your neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who it all worked out for- it is not the time. And no matter what works for someone else, it isn't going to change their situation. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do for some who is suffering is meet them in the 'suck.' Don't try to dig them out of their pit of despair. Meet them there- be present. 


I can't say that I wouldn't have thought to ask the very same questions she did--I think those types of questions are a natural reaction when you find out someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe she honestly just wanted to know more about your situation and that's why she asked about adoption? Maybe she's secretly struggling herself & wanted to know what your thought process was? Again, timing is everything. Can we agree that if you just heard about someone's kidney cancer you wouldn't likely just say to them- well there's always donor kidneys. Sure you might eventually ask if that is a possibility, but hopefully in that moment you would just meet them in their heartache and not start throwing out 'fixes' right away. 

This is going to sound like a huge generalization, but in my experience, it seems like people who struggle with infertility expect everyone else to immediately know how they should act, speak, and think about the situation. And as someone on the other side of that, that's not the case. Often, I see posts discussing how stupid "fertiles" are and bemoaning people who celebrate their pregnancies in natural, normal ways, and what jerks they are for doing so. The truth is, I DON'T know what to say. I DON'T know how to act. But I strive to be sensitive and understanding. I don't know that the infertile community thinks everyone should just know how to act around someone who is struggling, but I do think as a whole we expect people to at the very least think before they speak. Telling us that you'd gladly give us one of your children- not helpful. Telling us that we're "lucky" we are able to sleep in because we don't have kids- not helpful. Again, but being present as a friend/sister is the most comforting thing you can do. Google is a great resource- don't expect your friends or family who are going though IVF or the like, to explain the entire process to you. Knowledge is power, and it will feel great to the person that you're supporting if you've taken the initiative to find out what they are going though.  


And yet, I still think if you are able to get pregnant, with the help of drugs or not, you deserve to celebrate that whole-heartedly. Absolutely! 


I think sometimes that understanding and sensitivity that's wanted by people struggling with infertility could go both ways.  I have to say, I think it does. Though I often vent about 'fertiles' on my personal blog as I would in a journal- more often than not I just allow the words and actions of others to just roll off my back. I get that there is absolutely NO WAY to understand the heartache if you've never been there. More importantly, people who are dealing with infertility are suffering from a DISEASE and grieving the loss of many things in the process. Theses individuals are likely not concerned about how THEIR infertility is making OTHERS feel.


I've posted this link before- and I'm posting it again because I think it is perfectly written. 

What infertile couples want and need

Seriously?

This morning at the gym, about minute 37 of my workout a pregnant woman hopped onto the elliptical next to me. Not only was she hugely pregnant, and likely shouldn't have been elevating her heart rate like she was, she was also consuming a giant sugary coffee drink. This woman was huffing and puffing the moment she stepped onto the machine and started going like somebody was chasing her. So, for the remaining 8 minutes I raced her.  Because dang it, that out of shape, caffeine drinking, pregnant lady was NOT going to out run me.

I know, I'm totally mature, and not bitter at all.

Worth It...

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."

-Beth Moore

I often say, victory isn't as sweet without a struggle- I think that fits here. When things are just handed to us, we begin to expect blessings instead of being great full for them. How many times have you thought your fertile friends or family have taken their sweet (and not so sweet) children for granted? And, how many times have you vowed to not do the same with your own children should they (finally!) arrive?

This struggle to become a mama has taught me MANY things, not the least of which is how to be a better parent once my day comes. I've learned there are things much worse to keep me up at night than a fussy baby or piles of dirty laundry. The alternative being tears and heartache or alarm clocks and injections. I for one, would choose a sweet babe (crying or not) any day. However, I'm not sure everyone (especially those who haven't walked in these shoes) would make that same choice.

Sure, there are days when I've certainly 'misunderstood' God. I've been angry with him, asked him countless times WHY this was happening to me. Why I had to have a miscarriage. Why I've had to watch my husband's painful longing to be a daddy. BUT today, He is not misunderstood in this heart of mine. I believe with every ounce of my being that He has big plans for me. Plans that include babies, one way or another. He is preparing me, and my heart for what is to come.....

and with everything we've faced I have a feeling it is going to be BIG and SO worth the wait!

... Its almost Wednesday! I am DYING to get a plan in place- soon, very soon!!

What Infertile Couples Want and Need....

I read a blog post recently on Pregnant with Hope that seems to like a perfect thing to send along to friends and family who are on this journey with you.

Here's What Infertile Couples Want & Need

Another Funny...

I happened upon a blog a couple of years ago that was absolutely hilarious (in an oh.my.gosh kind of way). The blog hasn't been updated since sometime in 2008, but I promise you there are some gems in the archives. So, if you are in need a of a good laugh or a 'fertiles are so stupid' (because surely all of these stories are about fertiles!) moment... this is for you. It is pretty crude, graphic, may make you want to vomit, BUT also pretty dang funny times.

Enjoy!