Baby Dance

I watched a movie a few days ago while I was laying around with a sore back. It was called 'Baby Dance' and was, from my perspective, a pretty good movie. I'm not an adoptive parent, and even though I read several adoption blogs- I haven't lived it, and can't speak too much to how it all works, or doesn't work. What I DO know, is that when I watch a movie with an infertility theme, if it isn't done just perfectly and doesn't capture the emotion/heartache and speak about things in an inteligent manner I HATE the movie. So, keep that in mind if you decide to watch it.

I think it showed a lot of the things people don't talk about when it comes to adoption. Like all of the millions of feelings that go into making that choice in the first place, what you would do if the baby you were matched with ended up having some sort of issue, how you deal with the birth family, differing emotions from the waiting mother and father, etc. The movie was older and was probably set in the 80's-ish and I really have no idea what adoptions were like back then. But, as I watched all I could think was, I don't think I'm strong enough to do that.

It certainly isn't the norm from the stories I've read or heard from people I know, but my goodness, if that is how it once was, I can't even imagine. So, here's to you adoptive parents-- even though this was just a Hollywood glimpse for me into adoption I commend you for your strength when it comes to the choices you have made.

The Help...

Over the weekend I met a friend of mine for dinner and a movie. She'd had a rough day, and when she asked if I wanted to see a movie I decided I'd let her choose. She chose The Help. I had been really wanting to see it, but had been terrified to actually do it, because I'd heard there was somewhat of a traumatic miscarriage scene in the book/movie in addition to a hint of infertility/RPL. I told my husband what we were seeing and he looked at me like I was crazy. He knew why I hadn't wanted to see it previously and was nervous I would get upset. I responded with flexed muscles..."I'm strong, I can do this."

I could, and I did. I refuse to allow myself to not do the things I want to because it might be hard or it might hurt. Those feelings are real and are meant to be felt, sheltering myself from them will not make them go away. As I told my husband, there are a lot of things I'm scared of, most of which aren't nearly as bad as I make them in my mind. This was one of those times. I would have reacted more had I not been waiting for the scene- the moment still took my breath away, it was one of those weird moment when for the first time you 'get it.' I hadn't been there before, I had never watched someone go through a miscarriage and been able to really empathize with them. Another lesson learned.

Miscarriage aside, the movie was amazing. The story was well done- the perfect balance of serious and hilarious moments. Although infertility has nothing on the painful struggle the women in this story faced, I couldn't help but connect the dots between the two over and over again. I guess what I've said for years really is true- a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. Though we may rank them in our minds- and may feel like no one else knows what we are going through, everyone knows hurt. Just because it isn't the same hurt doesn't mean they can't empathize with you at least on that level. I will likely never know what it feels like to be asked not to use the bathroom inside someone's home because they don't want to risk catching something from me, but I do know what it feels like to be pushed to the side in conversations because I couldn't possibly know how hard motherhood is-- even if un-motherhood is 500 times harder.

Maybe it is ridiculous to compare the two, and honestly it feels a little silly even as I type, but that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly isn't going to start now.

And the end, well it made my heart sing....

It's gonna be a long, long journey. It's gonna be an uphill climb. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be some lonely nights... but I'm ready to carry on. 

Hope In Unlikely Places...

Over the weekend my husband and I saw The Kings Speech. Throughout the movie one word kept coming to mind over and over again...

Persevere:

to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.

In the midst of a movie that really had nothing to do with infertility, I was being prodded to see that the message could be easily transferred to my own life, my own struggles. Over and over I was reminded to not let the struggles of our circumstance take over. During nearly the entire movie I felt like someone was whispering in my ear.... 'Persevere- press on- you can do this.' The most important part is, I believed it. Deep down, I completely and totally believed it.

We WILL persist in this huge undertaking.
We WILL remember the purpose in spite of hard days and dejected spirits.

We WILL keep on.

We WILL persevere!

Funny About Love...

... have you see it? At some point I read a blog or article about movies involving infertility and added this movie to our netflix list. Well, I watched it last night.... talk about ripping your infertile heart right out of your chest! It was a good movie, and in general I think it did a pretty good job of showcasing the raw emotions of infertility and the treatments that we're all facing as we journey towards parenthood... but oh my goodness, have your tissues handy!

Random Thoughts...

Had I known there would be 85 hoops to jump through before seeing an RE I would have started the process MUCH earlier! Oh well. I needed a break; I guess it is just going to be a little longer than I had expected.

I’m not sure what possessed me to set my DVR to record Lifetime’s Pregnancy Pact, but I did and then I watched it. All of it. Anybody want to make a pact with me? By the looks of things, that is all it takes to get pregnant. I’ve tried weirder things.

My husband’s latest response to my MIL asking about when we will have babies (which is becoming more frequent with the day) is …. “they are expensive and messy.” She always replies that babies are as expensive as you make them. Ha. I’ve been researching what it is going to cost us to see and RE and be treated, lucky for us we’ve got great insurance, otherwise that baby would be thousands of dollars just in the production stages.

In each of our groups of friends there is at least one pregnant woman or infant…. It is all baby, all the time. I’m still trying to be ok with it.

It is cycle day 56 and it hadn’t even crossed my mind until today that perhaps I should take an HPT just in case. However, my BBT chart has more peaks and valleys than a mountain range… it seems like a waste.

You know that you’ve been TTC for awhile when the button on your thermometer is cracked and you need to buy a new one.

I have a baby shower invitation on my desk for a friend of mine that I have yet to respond to. I want to go, but I am almost certain that I will be the ONLY one there that doesn’t have kids. I’m not sure I can do it.

UP

I just watched the movie for a second time, and loved it just as much as the first. I found myself fighting back tears in the beginning of the story while the young couple was struggling with infertility. I walk in those shoes everyday, I understand the pain. To see it portrayed in animation makes it seem that much more common to me, I’m not alone.

Although infertility is most bluntly portrayed at the beginning of the film, it is certainly a theme throughout. In a movie that is constantly on the move, you can pick out the places where Carl and Ellie’s childless life and struggle with infertility are being referenced by noticing the stillness. It begins after the scene in the doctor’s office; Ellie is outside sitting still with her eyes closed. I am guessing that both children and those who have not struggled with IF may not notice the ongoing theme, but for me, I felt what Carl and Ellie were feeling in those moments and connected with them.

Infertility isn’t something that is neat and tidy. It can’t be packaged into one moment in time and then forgotten, it changes you. It morphs your view on so many things, and I think that the writers did a fabulous job portraying that.

The story is not just one of heartache and loss, it is one of hope. Although Carl and Ellie’s life doesn’t end up as they had dreamed, we know in the end that they did have a pretty fantastic life. At the end of the movie Carl sits down in his chair and looks back at the Adventure Book. It isn’t until then, in the stillness, that he realizes what he did have was great despite the things that he didn’t.

It’s a tough hand of cards to be dealt, but with the right attitude sometimes the worst hand takes the pot.