Friday, September 9, 2011

The Help...

Over the weekend I met a friend of mine for dinner and a movie. She'd had a rough day, and when she asked if I wanted to see a movie I decided I'd let her choose. She chose The Help. I had been really wanting to see it, but had been terrified to actually do it, because I'd heard there was somewhat of a traumatic miscarriage scene in the book/movie in addition to a hint of infertility/RPL. I told my husband what we were seeing and he looked at me like I was crazy. He knew why I hadn't wanted to see it previously and was nervous I would get upset. I responded with flexed muscles..."I'm strong, I can do this."

I could, and I did. I refuse to allow myself to not do the things I want to because it might be hard or it might hurt. Those feelings are real and are meant to be felt, sheltering myself from them will not make them go away. As I told my husband, there are a lot of things I'm scared of, most of which aren't nearly as bad as I make them in my mind. This was one of those times. I would have reacted more had I not been waiting for the scene- the moment still took my breath away, it was one of those weird moment when for the first time you 'get it.' I hadn't been there before, I had never watched someone go through a miscarriage and been able to really empathize with them. Another lesson learned.

Miscarriage aside, the movie was amazing. The story was well done- the perfect balance of serious and hilarious moments. Although infertility has nothing on the painful struggle the women in this story faced, I couldn't help but connect the dots between the two over and over again. I guess what I've said for years really is true- a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. Though we may rank them in our minds- and may feel like no one else knows what we are going through, everyone knows hurt. Just because it isn't the same hurt doesn't mean they can't empathize with you at least on that level. I will likely never know what it feels like to be asked not to use the bathroom inside someone's home because they don't want to risk catching something from me, but I do know what it feels like to be pushed to the side in conversations because I couldn't possibly know how hard motherhood is-- even if un-motherhood is 500 times harder.

Maybe it is ridiculous to compare the two, and honestly it feels a little silly even as I type, but that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly isn't going to start now.

And the end, well it made my heart sing....

It's gonna be a long, long journey. It's gonna be an uphill climb. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be some lonely nights... but I'm ready to carry on. 

9 comments:

TurtleMama said...

I'm glad you liked the movie. I thought it was well done too. I was actually looking forward to seeing if they put the m/c scene in the movie, because sometimes they take sideplots from the book out of the movie. This character had a drinking problem in the book, but they did not show it in the movie. I think about how hard it would be to cotend with infertility in the 1960's. Your options would be so limited. And you would suffer in slience. People barely talk about infertility now, so think about how suppressed it would be back then.

E and R said...

I have been wanting to see this movie - and read the book for that matter. Haven't decided if we will actually see it at the theater or wait until it comes out on video...

L said...

I'm so glad you liked the movie. I saw it last weekend too and thought it was really good. Not as good as the book of course. In the book I thought they talked a little more about IF and how difficult it was for her to deal with her repeat miscarriages. Like the PP said, I can't imagine how difficult IF was before there were any options for treatment.

Michele said...

Haven't seen it yet, but I do want to.

Sarra said...

You sound so strong and good. I'm inspired by you facing this even though you were afraid at first.

Kelli said...

I saw the movie and had a hard time with that scene. So sad and I didn't know it was coming since I haven't read the book (although my twin has been bugging me to read it for awhile now).

Diana said...

I haven't seen it either but I truly admire your strength! Lots of blessings will come ur way... Just watch! :) Hope u have a wonderful weekend.

browning2222 said...

Okay, so I just downloaded his book on my kindle and have not started it yet. I did not know that there is a part about a miscarriage, my RE even knew I was reading it and didn't say anything about it (she probably assumed I knew about it). So now I know I'm going to cry while reading this book. Thanks for the heads up.

hopeful said...

I loved several things about this post. One is your attitude about avoiding hard things. I need to follow your example. I have been avoiding things for a long time that are "hard" and that will hurt but you are probably right; they are much worse in my mind. Another thing is that I had no idea that scene was even in the movie. It took my breath away too. Also, I completely agree that we can't really quantify grief and loss. I have not had a miscarriage or experienced stillbirth. I have not had a child with cancer or lost a baby to SIDS. Or lost a husband. There are just so many hard hard things out there - everybody has something they are called to bear. And we just can't say "your struggle is worse or easier than my struggle" Pain is pain.

"un-motherhood is 500 times harder" loved this. Possibly so true.

sorry i have left such long comments on your blog today! haha