Haha!!

You guys were cracking me up yesterday as I was laying on the couch nursing a nasty headache! Don't worry, we aren't buying anything just yet, especially anything big. We ARE however researching and choosing exactly what we want so when we are ready... closer to 20 weeks, we can just pick up the things we're already set on.
From what I've read from other twin mamas, things start getting kind of uncomfortable around 24 weeks and lots of twin pregnancies see some level of bed rest sometime in the final 12 weeks. Hence, the research and early-ish shopping.

At this point, I'm even more confused than before about what kind of chair to get. I think I'm officially putting the idea of a glider to rest, that just doesn't seem feasible if indeed I'm able to tandem (please for sanity sake let it work!!!). I've read a few things about not wanting something that rocks when you have two babies precariously attached to your nipples on some big pillow- makes sense. But, a big comfy recliner seems like a grand idea if they are going to be up a million times per night nursing. I am assuming I'll do a lot of the daytime nursing on our bed or the couch, but after Hubs goes back to work it will be ideal to be somewhere other than our bedroom at night.

Also, did I tell you that I went to the bookstore to look for a twin pregnancy book? Yeah- nothing that wasn't published at least ten years ago. Everything I looked at seemed a little irrelevant. One of them spent about half the book talking about who has twins and how they happen. While I'm sure that is interesting (at least somewhat) to someone who has spontaneous twins, I know EXACTLY how these babies were made and I'm way more interested in knowing what I should expect over the next several weeks. I did buy one book, but it is more about the first year.... Holy overwhelming! So, if you have a twin pregnancy book recommendation I'm all ears!

Putting Things in Perspective...

I have recently run across several quotes from a woman that I knew very little about until this afternoon. Her name and bits of her story were familiar to me, but I wanted to know more. So many of the quotes I have seen from her have been very inspirational and focused on trust and hope in the Lord's plan. I wanted to know her story.

Come to find out this woman, Corrie ten Boom, was a Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor who helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II. She has written an autobiography, (along with several other books) about what her life was like in those years, and I can only imagine how moving her story must be.

As I read about this woman, I found myself thinking about my own "hard" journey. My journey, which honestly after reading about hers, just doesn't seem so hard anymore. This woman went through things that were horrible and still she and her family are quoted as saying some pretty inspiring and faithful words in the midst of a incredibly trying and dire time in their lives.

Before dying in a concentration camp, Corrie's sister Betsie said this...."There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

After being released from a concentration camp Corrie said, "God does not have problems. Only plans."

She sounds to me like a pretty amazing woman with a faith that I can only strive to attain. In the meantime, I think I will try to remember her words and remember that there are many struggles much harder than my own. Her words and her story help me put my journey into perspective.

Here are several more of her faithful words....

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest."

"This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see."
(The Hiding Place)

"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

"Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings...It's something we make inside ourselves."

"Some knowledge is too heavy...you cannot bear it...your Father will carry it until you are able."
(The Hiding Place)

"Don't bother to give God instructions; just report for duty."

"Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear."

"Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future."

"The tree on the mountain takes whatever the weather brings. If it has any choice at all, it is in putting down roots as deeply as possible---Each New Day"

"Child, you have to learn to see things in the right proportions. Learn to see great things great and small things small."

".....joy runs deeper than despair."

"You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."
(The Hiding Place)

"How often it is a small, almost unconscious event that makes a turning point."
(The Hiding Place)

"Perhaps only when human effort had done it's best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work."
(The Hiding Place)

"In darkness God's truth shines most clear."
(The Hiding Place)

"Love is larger than the walls which shut it in."
(The Hiding Place)

"Faith is like radar that sees through the fog -- the reality of things at a distance that the human eye cannot see."

Live for TODAY.

In the book that I recently read (Empty Womb, Aching Heart) there was a sentence that jumped off the page and bit me right in the face. It made my nose sting and my eyes water. It was one of those things that I keep thinking, but then push to the back of my mind and pretend that it isn’t truly a reality. The author of the chapter wrote “I needed to stop living for the tomorrow that might not ever come and start living for today.”

I have countless times thought ‘we will do that once we have a family.’ The thing that sticks out the most in my mind right now is making holiday traditions of our own. Although I long to make our own holiday traditions, I keep putting it off until we have a family. When will I realize that we ARE a family. The two of us are a family and we can make our own decisions about holidays. We don’t just have to follow what our extended families decree just because we don’t have any little ones in tow. Yet.

It is my hope that in 2010 I can live more in the here and now and less in the future that I am hoping for. I need to learn that enjoying our childless life does not for a second negate the fact that we want children more than anything, but it might keep me a little more sane.

Here is to a wonderful 2010! Babies or no babies, I want to enjoy the year and spend less time wishing and more time living.

Even Jesus Wept.

I recently purchased a book about dealing with infertility. It isn’t your typical go-to guide about treatments and diagnosis, but instead it is excerpts of people’s lives that have dealt with infertility on some level. The book is called Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky.
When I asked my husband to add this book to his order he was pained by the title. Even when he brought it home to me, he was concerned about how hard the book would be to read. As we sat on the couch, him watching TV and me reading this book, he looked over at me and questioned, “Sad?” For me this book isn’t sad, it is real. It is everything that I am dealing with on a daily basis. It is a reminder that better days will come, that we’re not alone and most importantly it is a reminder that while this journey is hard, it will only be harder if we feel sorry for ourselves and stop living our lives because it hurts too much.

I only have had this book in my hot little hands for a little more than 36 hours and I am already halfway through it. The pages are littered with post-it notes and words that I want to remember. Undoubtedly, there will be more posts to come on this topic, but for today let’s start at the beginning….

My first neon green post-it note reads:

“Even Jesus wept.”

As Christians we are taught to be thankful for the blessings that we’ve been given by the grace of God. Sometimes although we are thankful for the blessing we have received, we are pained by the ones that have seemingly gone unnoticed. In these moments I find myself feeling guilty that the gifts that I’ve been given are not enough. Like a spoiled child on Christmas morning, I run to my room sobbing that yet another month has passed and I am still not pregnant.

In this excerpt from the book the woman realizes that she isn’t crying out because she wants something so much it hurts. Instead she is crying out in grief much like Jesus did when Lazerus died. Jesus felt grief and wept even though he knew he would raise Lazerus from the dead, he still grieved the loss.

The tears of infertility are tears of grief. Our hearts are grieving the loss of children that we wanted and prayed for that haven’t come. The pain is not insignificant.

Which brings me to my second post-it note….

“I’ve come to realize that God understands my tears, and that they don’t fall to the ground unnoticed.”

He knows our pain and meets us in the midst of it.