Change of Plans...

The vast majority of this post was written a week ago, it's just taken a long time to finished tapping out the words---

It is crazy how much things can change in just the span of a month. At this time last month we were coming off our consultation with our RE, preparing to get started with our FET this month-- more accurately, this  week.

We had, just two days before our RE appointment, found out that one of our boys was lagging behind his peers (we were aware, just not of  its extent) and that he had qualified for "services" through our county's early intervention services. We were also told at that evaluation that because of his delays  we also had the option of having him assessed for autism. In  the moment, I  said "of course" but really didn't worry about it. I  was feeling fairly certain that wasn't the case. It was just before the holiday break and because early intervention is part of the school district, the evaluation process was pushed off until the new year.

Fast forward a week, when I received a packet from our RE outlining what we were about to embark on along with the deposit bill, and I had some serious second thoughts. Hubs and I talked it through and we decided that maybe it would be best to get our footing, see the evaluations through and see how things went  with our early intervention home visits before committing ourselves to more stress and appointments with testing/transfer/bed rest.

I'm not going to lie, it was a very hard decision. We were ready. So very ready.  And last night when I took the last active pill in my current package of birth control I thought to myself, "this week was supposed to be so different." This week  I should have been preparing myself for testing on Friday- instead, on Friday Hubs will take  the  day off and we will meet with our school district's autism specialist and she will explain to us how the evaluation process will look.

Obviously, we will do whatever we need to for our precious little man. No diagnosis will change how much we love and care for him. But, this week we find ourselves sorting through what-ifs. We are now hyper aware of EVERYTHING he does and doesn't do and in all honesty, it is exhausting. I'm ready to get the evaluation underway and be able to know exactly what his needs are and the best way to address them.

Of course, after Hubs took friday off, our appointment was canceled. We'll try again this evening- the specialist comes tonight to explain the process and answer our questions- she'll be back tomorrow to begin the evaluation. I'm anxious. Ready to get this show on the road, and also anxious about the results. I'm trying HARD to not put the cart before the horse, but it's tricky.

Pinterest does it again!

I use Pinterest all the time. I use it to find recipes, art projects for the boys, decorating ideas for our home, planting ideas for our yard/garden, simple remedies for most any situation, advice on lots of things and most recently I've used it a TON to help plan for our local MO.Ps 2014-15 year. In that planning, I ran across a quote, that although very simple, I can't get out of my head. It's been several days now, and it is still there, begging to be pondered, to be implemented.

Be a fountain, not a drain.

It's so simple, and easy to remember, but one of those things I think we could all learn from. For me, during this season if life, it means encouraging my family, it means taking time to see the good in situations and celebrating that instead of focusing on the hard parts or the less than glamorous pieces of mothering small children.  I also think it means being a place (person) where people come to recharge to be revived- an oasis, instead of being the place people come to flush their stuff down or the downer of the party always unloading your hardships onto someone else. Inspire and renew instead of the alternative.

For me, this week I'm just focusing on the fountain part. Be that- if I'm succeeding at it, I don't need to worry about the other. Be a fountain. It works for me. Even just thinking it is inspiring.


-- Also, this makes two posts in two weeks, I'm practically Old Faith.ful :)

Knowing..

We've been talking a ton about adding to our family lately. Honestly, ever since the early days if parenting twins we've been talking to the boys about the sibling(s) they'll have someday. We've always known. It's never really been a question, even on the most difficult if days-- this mama's heart is sure, there will be another-- at least one, maybe more.

I  received an email recently asking me about having twins and  how and when we made the decision that we wanted more.  I never answered the email because each time I started to type, the words sounded so silly to me,  cliché and canned. So unhelpful to this person several states away that I don't know. But here is what I should have said....

• I knew when I was a little girl that I'd be pregnant more than once. I never really idealized pregnancy as a child, I just imagined I'd do it more than once. 
• Hubs and I both grew up in families with three kids, we both always assumed we'd likely have the same. 
• Even through the countless fertility treatments, I still imagined doing it all more than once. 
• When I got pregnant with twins I was (am still am) completely satisfied, but I still knew I'd like another if it was possible. 
• As I went through a very uneventful pregnancy with multiples, I knew I could and God willing, would do it again. 
• When my boys were born screaming and peeing, and I watched as my husband became a daddy- I knew. 
• When I held and kissed slimy babies who knew me from their first breath as their mama, I was sure. 
• And, my feeling have only been affirmed since then- I hope and pray it's all possible again. I am a mom through and through. 

All of that said, I know it isn't the same for everyone. Some take a long time to realize something, or rather somebody, is missing from their family. One things I've heard over and over from seasoned moms who are done having babies- you will know. There will be a moment of clarity. Sometimes its in the trenches of a tough situation- sometimes its when your family just feels so right and full in a perfect moment. I obviously can't say if that is true or not, because I am not there yet. I hope that in just the same way I know I'd like another, someday I'll have a peace about being done as well.

Packing up

It is holiday travel season, and traveling with kids is HARD work! While hard, it is totally doable with a little extra preparing. For us, making a list is key, and thinking of each part of our day while we are away is a big deal. I find that if we can keep up with our routine as much as possible it makes our days and more importantly nights, easier. Not to mention the transition back home again. So, here is a bit of our list for our boys at 15m.

• Pack-n-play -- the place we are staying already has one crib for the other boy.
• Lovies and lollies-- don't cross my babies at bedtime.
• A portable highchair-- both homes we will be eating meals in has either one or two high chairs so our portable will supplement.
• TOYS! One home has an insane amount of toys, the other has just a few, so we will take a good sized basket of favorites with us.
• Food. We'll pick this up when we arrive, but it is so important to have things the boys will eat. When you're away from home, so much is already different, food can be one thing that stays consistent.
• Obviously clothing and shoes.
• Medications and a thermometer. Nothing is worse than thinking your kid feels hot when you're out of town and having to run to Walgreens in the middle of the night!
• Any and all of the things that help your kiddo sleep. For us that means music and the firm little pillow H uses at night.

Most importantly take your camera or phone and snap some pictures of family and friends loving on your babies!

Preparing to jump.... again

As I said in my last post, thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface. Its funny, these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me. When I think about another pregnancy, it is in thinking about 'planning' it. So much about infertility (part one) was being a slave to not building expectations, learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others. And now, now we have more pieces in our puzzle. We have seen success, and we know what (at least last time) works for us. We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles. Both of those cycles I did become pregnant, at least briefly, and because of that, I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three.

In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015. So, why am I already thinking so much about all of this? We have fertility insurance. And while I am very thankful that we have it, it does add more hoops to be jumped. Like the fairly common '1 year of timed intercourse' before benefits can be utilized. Though I'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis, it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family. What this all means, is I'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year.

Its crazy. 'Trying' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts, but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan. This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't have any desire to become pregnant naturally- nor do I think it will happen. I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to, and I'd rather not push that out longer and longer.

The three embryos we have are something I think about daily, and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable. We aren't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come. And if we're being completely honest, we aren't sure how this story is going to play out. Will we try with all three (not at once), will one or more of them not survive the thawing process, will we become pregnant with our first FET attempt or will it take multiple tries, will any of those three embryos become our third child? I'm fairly confident in the process and I trust my doctor entirely, so I do believe the boys' sibling is waiting for us. But, the unknowns are somewhat daunting.

I'm somewhat worried about going off birth control. I'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles. I'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing, but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking/preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is.

I don't often hear/see people speaking about their frozen embryos. I think I've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy/birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had, but as it turned out it wasn't something she needed to worry about.

I'd love to hear your take on this, or what your plans are, my fellow IVFers. Either leave me a comment, or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments.

Taking care of twins...

I know I often gloss over many aspects of raising twins, touting it as the best days of my life. And while these days are nothing short of amazing, it is really hard work. I commend moms who stay home with their twins full time and remain sane, because in reality while I don't leave my home every day to take care of someone else's 36 small children as I used to, this IS indeed a JOB and it is hard work.

----
A few days before the holiday weekend I hurt my back. Though it wasn't too bad, I was noticing the pain when I bent down to pick up the boys and felt stiff in the mornings. I didn't think too much of it and we hopped into the car on the morning of the 4th to head down the freeway to see our families for the holiday weekend. 2 hours in the car without a ton of leg room was a horrible idea in hindsight. I spent much of that Thursday in a lot of pain. I nursed it, took pain medication and by the following morning I was feeling much better. We took a walk that morning in an effort to loosen things up and I was feeling pretty well on Friday. By Saturday and Sunday I was able to do most things and was really in little to no pain. Then after meeting family for breakfast on Sunday morning we hopped back in the car and drove home. When we arrived back, I jumped out of the car at a neighbors house where we were watering the lawn, and then when I got back out at our house I felt it-- the pain was back. Not horrible, but I still declined getting the boys out of the car or unpacking the car just in case. I spent about an hour unpacking a few things in the house, starting the laundry and feeding the boys lunch. After we'd completed all of our chores from returning home Hubs and I sat down with some food and watched a show on net.flix. Against my better judgement I decided to lay down on our very soft sofa to finish the show. Possibly the worst idea I have EVER had. Ouch! I started feeling like I needed to use the restroom so I tried to get up... not happening. Feeling pretty fearful I was going to wet my pants right there on the couch, I started trying to get myself to the floor to crawl to the bathroom. After probably and hour, some crying and a lot of pain I made it to the bathroom to take care of business. This was obviously way more pain than I had been in previously that weekend so I started to get worried. I tried all of my husband's low back pain tricks and nothing really helped I was in so much pain that I wasn't even interested in eating.

***sidenote, while explaining to my husband that this was the worst pain I had ever been in, he got a puzzled face, and said 'even childbirth?' to which I reminded him I'd been drugged and cut open.... Really? It hasn't even been a year yet and you've forgotten? Hilarious conversation!***

Not only was I hurting, I was also starting to feel guilty that Hubs was going to have to take care of the boys on his own while I healed. I'm not sure why this was such a worry to me. I've done it many times when he needed to be rested for work or wasn't feeling well- while hard work, it is in fact doable. I think more than anything it is just hard for me to give up the things I do every single day for my babies.

Anyway, that was Sunday, and I was in no shape to be left alone with the boys on Monday, so Hubs worked from home to help us. Then Tuesday my Mom came and stayed until Thursday evening so Hubs could go into work for a few days  and then he stayed with us again on Friday and obviously through the weekend.

----

I add that whole story, because it really wasn't until I was laying on a lawn chair, with ice on my back in my living room that I realized just how hard my job is. (We don't furnish our living room with outdoor furniture it was just the only thing other than my bed that I could stand being in) When it was hubs taking care of our boys it was different, more effortless. He does it most evenings and on the weekend, so while it is still a lot of work he is somewhat used to it all. However, watching my mom who is not used to taking care of two 11 month olds all day- I was exhausted just watching her. She really did a fantastic job, but when I'm in my day I don't really notice all the millions of little things I do for the boys all.day.long. I thought MANY times, how do I do this everyday? I'm in no way trying to toot my own horn or make stay at home moms sound higher or mightier than those moms that go back to work. I'm just trying to be real- this is hard work. I vow now to no longer feel like I've failed the day if there is a load of laundry in the washing machine that is going to have to be re-washed the following morning or if my kitchen is a mess, or if I fall into my bed at night and just barely kiss my husband good night. Because I'm doing big work around here. I'm raising two little boys into what I hope will be strong, hardworking, loving men someday. And really, all those other things are of little importance when I look at the bigger picture.

Sometimes it just takes a living room lawn chair moment to bring you back to reality and remind you how well you really are doing and also what is really important.

Eleven Months...

Holy cow I can't believe this is the last monthly post I'll make before my sweet, tiny 6lb 5oz and 7lb 11oz babies are ONE! The time has flown by and in a blink of an eye here we are eleven months into parenthood- nothing is sweeter. When I think of my former self one year ago, I'm thankful today on this warm summer day, my babies are on the outside, cooling off in a tiny baby pool instead of inside my belly! Those were some pretty uncomfortably warm days last summer :)

On to the update...

• This month the boys went on their first hotel vacation. A was a sleeping champ, H... not so much. It wasn't totally horrible, but it wasn't the best sleep I've had in my life! Days were great on our trip, so those made up (mostly) for rather sleepless nights. In H's defense he was working on about 4 teeth at once!
• Speaking of teeth A currently has 6 and H has 7, and is working on number 8.
• Both can crawl FAST. They both have started pulling up to stand and are cruising around the baby gate in their play area. I've caught H once standing withing holding on.
• They are getting to be better and better eaters, but still would rather be fed. They have three meals per days and usually one snack of puffs or cheerios and some water in a sippy cup. The sippy cup is still sort of an elusive skill even though we have nearly every option on the market. 
• This month we got a new stroller and we LOVE it. If other twin mamas are wondering, we decided on the Ci.ty Mini Doub.le GT after A LOT of research. It works great and we have yet to find a doorway we can't get through!
• Also new this month are convertible carseats! I was really worried about this transition, but so far so good... fingers crossed! We went with Ch.icco Nex.tfits for the boys and like them a lot. They actually allowed us to gain some legroom in the front seat from our snug.ride 30s!!! That was a BIG win! And, it took more time to remove the infant seat bases than it did to install the new seats- they are incredibly user friendly!
• A continues to take reflux medication, but in the last week we've started only giving it to him at night. It seems to be fine- he is spitting up much less often these days. When the doctor told us he'd likely out grow it at around a year I didn't really believe her... turns out she may have be right-- thank goodness!
• H learned to clap this month and it was often accompanied by something that sounds a lot like yay! I assume because that is what we often are saying when we clap for them. 
• Both A and H wave every once in awhile it is certainly not a mastered skill, but it is really stinking cute when they do it.   
• We left the boys with my parents for only the second time this month. This was the first time we went out alone since having the boys. We went to a nice fondue dinner for my birthday. (remember the great met.formin debate? yeah, not a good mix with fondue!)
• This month we celebrated the boy's first 4th of July and Father's day! We spent the 4th with family and we did many things for father's day including the boys' first MLS soccer match (they both napped through some intense noise with their ear protection on!) went to the beach and wandered through a car show. 
• Their favorite toys are currently things that light up or make noise... they have the most annoying fire truck that I bought at a multiples consignment sale for really cheap that they are obsessed with. I turn off the sound all the time, but unfortunately, the little buggers have gotten smart and have figured out how to turn it back on!
• We're down to three bottles per day and it makes my life SO MUCH easier! They take three 7oz bottles between meals- mid morning, mid afternoon and bedtime!
• As much as I wish they did not, they LOVE TV. Mickey is their favorite, but Jake is a close second.
• They are both still in size 3 diapers during the day and a size 4 overnight. They wear mostly 9 month clothes with many 6 month things mixed in especially tops and shorts for A. A even wears a few 3month summer things. H wears some 12month jammies because he is getting so tall. 
• H is a serious offender when it comes to pacifier stealing. It makes me excited to be done with them because it is a fight often. We'd love to be done with them all together, but I think the first transition is going to be only in their cribs or carseats. 
• A has a serious love of all things cozy. He LOVES a blanky (nothing specific) or even a burp cloth will do. He will often clam down and fall asleep as soon as you have him a burp cloth and his lollie. 
• A has had some issues with mild diaper rash since we've become more adventurous with food. We've become more relaxed about the 'one new thing per couple of days' thing so it makes it difficult to know what exactly is causing it. But I think the last two times it has been berries. I don't think he is allergic more intolerant, I'm just not sure he is ready for them. Weird though, because strawberries are fine.. it is just darker berried and raspberries. Maybe too acidic for him yet?
• We went to our first splash park.... they LOVED it. The water was pretty darn cold, but they still had a lot of fun! We will for sure do that again soon. 

I'm sure there are many more things to remember, but this will have to do! I'm nursing a very sore back (post to come soon on that one!) and have a million things to catch up on!

Two weeks...

 Fourteen days from today I will meet my sweet baby boys, unless they choose to come earlier. It is so surreal to be speaking in terms of days/weeks instead of months and maybes! The babies are coming- and SOON!

I have my weekly appointment tomorrow and I hopefully everything remains as it is right now- completely and totally boringly normal! As ready as I am to meet these boys, it would be good to have at least one more weekend to tie up a few loose ends! We are incredibly close to ready after my mom spent two days deep cleaning my whole house complete with windows, mopping, scrubbing bathrooms and dusting/wiping down ever square inch! This weekend we will get the car seats checked and a couple more little things done and then these little stinkers can come anytime :)

It is crazy to think we only have four more scheduled appointments-

One regular OB appointment tomorrow.
One Ultrasound/OB appointment a week from tomorrow.
One scheduled c-section surgery appointment two weeks from today.
One post-op OB appointment four weeks from today.

I still can't really wrap my brain around all of it. Its so exciting and surreal and kind of feels like it couldn't possibly be happening to me! But, then I look down and see my big belly squirming...

9 months isn't long enough...

In the past several weeks Hubs and I have been realizing our days of being a young couple are numbered. Sure we've known it for the last several months, but there is something about a house littered with baby supplies and a due date that is weeks (not months) away that makes it REALLY sink in.

We've been spending a lot of time just the two of us over the last several weeks and it has been awesome. We've made sure to do a few things that will be tricky once we have the boys with us and we've just been trying our best to really enjoy these days.

Over the weekend we celebrated our 6th anniversary. On Saturday night we grilled and sat on the deck until 10:30 just talking about everything that is about to happen. We talked about what scares us, what excites us and everything in between. I think the biggest thing we realized is, as excited as we are for the boys to be here in our arms, we aren't fully ready to give up the happy that we've finally found. We spent SO LONG trying to get pregnant- so long being disappointed- so long being sad and depressed that now that we've finally found our joy it is really hard to be ready for the next step. Don't get me wrong, there is going to be plenty of joy and happiness in the next chapter of our life, but the last nine months have been amazing. Life seemed so easy, so happy. We both just want a little longer to soak it in.

So, for the next 16 days we live as intentionally as possible. We soak in each day as if it is the last day of our 'couple-hood' and prepare for what will surely be one of the most memorable and happiest days of our life!

Hospital or Home?

Every few days it seems like another question comes up that needs to be answered, and this time, I'm asking you! What worked best for you, or what are you planning to do when the time comes?

We were asked this week if we would prefer people come to the hospital to meet the boys, or to our home once we have all been released from the hospital. I feel like both have their perks, but at the moment I am leaning toward having people visit while we are still in the hospital. What worked best for you?

To me,  if people come to visit in the hospital, they are likely not going to stay long. The recovery rooms are seriously TINY and there isn't really anywhere to sit other than the hospital bed or the one chair that folds out into a cot for Hubs. If they come to our home, there are plenty of places to get comfy and out-stay their welcome. But, my hesitation is, am I just going to be way too overwhelmed while we are still in the hospital to have visitors in and out of our room?

Preparing for visitors/helpers...

I said in another post that we were given a lot of great tips for once the babies are home in the multiples class we took- here they are! Most of them have to do with 'managing' any help you may have and visitors.

• Know what things might be consistently helpful to you, and make a list. Keep in mind that it will be up to your helpers if they actually do them, but sometimes just having a list of things to do without asking a parent who is trying feed/diaper/snuggle a newborn is all these helpers need to both stay busy and get things done that you will find helpful. -- Most of these things should be non-baby related. Keep in mind WHO you are writing this list for and what types of things they might be interested in doing. Here is an example of our list. We know the majority of our help will be from my mom or my aunt, but my dad will also likely be here some weekends too...
• Load/Unload the dishwasher
• Do a load of baby laundry or towels-- we prefer to do our laundry ourselves.
• Make sure we have the essentials in the pantry/fridge. This should be another list -- maybe on the back of this one. 
• Mow the yard
• Pull weeds
• Water the pots on the patio and grass as needed
• Organize incoming mail into bills/urgent and what seems to be junk mail/ads/coupons
• Take out garbage-- leave a list of where garbage can be found throughout the house.
• Iron Hubs' work shirts
• Make sure various diapering/feeding baskets (living room, master bedroom & nursery) are stocked with diapers, wipes, burp cloths, receiving blankets, etc.
• The other tip we were given that it is totally ok to have rules for when visitors come. Our instructor suggested making a cute note and posting it on the door. Sometimes this will be better received if you write the note as if it is coming from the baby (ies). Some suggestions we were given about this note were....
• Let visitors know how long you'd like to keep visits to- 1 hour or less was suggested.
• Place a basket and chair on your porch... ask visitor to remove their shoes and leave them outside- in an effort to both keep germs out and cut down on cleaning for you.
• Leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the porch also, ask visitors to also wash their hands before coming in.  

This may all seem like A LOT, but I'm starting to realize more with each passing day that having all of this in place when the time comes will be SO helpful for everyone involved. 

Getting Organized...

Now that I'm pretty confident that the majority of our 'to-do before babies' list will be complete before the boys arrive (hooray!) I'm now starting to worry about how everything is going to get done once the boys arrive.

For the last couple of years that I haven't been working full time we've (I've) fallen into a routine of just getting the housework done as it needed to be done. Since we don't have a ton of visitors at our home, some things slip through the cracks and it would turn into somewhat of a mad dash to clean every room in the house the week before we had company coming. I have a feeling that spending a week cleaning/organizing/catching up is a thing of the past and will no longer work for us. Gone are the days of leaving the kitchen a mess at night so we can spend some time together in the evenings and cleaning it up the following morning after my husband leaves for work, or allowing laundry to pile up until we start running out of things to wear (which takes a VERY long time!). So, I've decided to start getting into a new routine NOW, so it will be second nature once the boys arrive. 

I know that both now, and in the early days of parenting twins there isn't a whole lot of energy to get long lists of things done on a daily basis. For this reason, I've chosen three to five things to get done everyday and one of them is as simple as figuring out dinner for the following day and either making sure we have what we need on hand, or defrosting a meal/meat. Generally, I've given myself one room to clean/pickup, a load of laundry to do and some other random housekeeping things that would take far less time if they were kept up each week. 

I started working from the list this week, and so far it has made my life about one million time easier. Not only do I feel like I have a plan each day, but it also feels like I have an attainable goal for each day which seems doable even when I have two little guys to take care of. Sometimes less really is MORE! I typed up the list, printed it out, slipped it into a plastic sleeve and attached it to the side of our refrigerator along with a dry erase marker. I used to make these lists on my phone, but I then realized that it would be really helpful to have a visual for both my husband and anyone else who comes to help once the babies arrive. Now, things can be kept up with even if I am not able to do them. I am well aware that there will be days when even a simple short list will be too much, but as it stands, if a couple of days get missed every week, it isn't going to be the end of the word.... as long as we aren't missing the same days every week consistently :)

We were given a lot of great tips for once the babies arrive at our multiples class and I'll share some of them with you guys in the next few days. I know when the instructor was saying them, I was thinking... 'geeeze, sounds like OVER planning to me', but now that the birth is getting closer and closer I'm feeling like the more planned/organized we can be the more smoothly things will likely run!

The best laid plans...

I just realized that I never told you guys the story of how we told our families over Christmas. It was a comedy of errors really....

Both of our families always want to take a family photo sometime over the holiday, so we thought this would be the ideal time to break the news and get a fun memento of their reactions. Ha. 

First up was my family. We all gathered in front of the Christmas tree, just the members of my immediate family that were in attendance. Hubs got the camera all set up and we took a couple of pictures. I think he got a little nervous and ended up saying 'oh this one is good' and was ready to be done. I obviously objected and said lets do one more just in case and gave him 'the look.' With the next photo he ran, got into the picture and said 'W&W is pregnant!!' Well, that isn't totally true, he used my actual name, but you get the picture. The photo.... a bunch of blank stares. No smiles, no surprised faces, no screams. They all thought that Hubs was about to be killed. They thought he was kidding and I was about go after him. Yeah, like after all we've been through, which they are well aware of, I'm sure my husband would be dumb enough to JOKE about me being pregnant. 

Needless to say, we were a little disappointed, but it is one thing they will NEVER live down.

And a couple days later we did it all again thinking for sure my husbands family wouldn't peg him for the idiot my family obviously thought he was. Turns out, we were wrong. Same picture. No reaction... like zero, zilch. 

Yes, both families were very excited once they realized that this was for real, but our picture plan crashed and burned. Well, it failed in the sense that we don't have a picture of them screaming with surprise and excitement, we do however have two fairly funny pictures that we will love to show our kid/kids someday showing them just how excited their family was about the news of their arrival. Ha! 

2dp5dt

A few random things...

• My two days of bed rest are O.V.E.R. but I've been taking it pretty easy today. I've spent a good chunk of time on the couch, but it felt SO good to be able to get up and make my own lunch. 
• Progesterone suppositories are gross. 
• I still have 3 Christmas gifts to buy... the same 3 I've had left for the last 4+ weeks. My husband's family is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for!
• Pinterest has been my saving grace through bed rest. 
• My husband cannot get home soon enough today! Am finally allowed to shower today, but last time I got super dizzy in my first shower after ET, so I'm waiting until he gets home. 
• I'm feeling good about this cycle. That was shaken a little yesterday when there was only one freezable embryo- but I'm feeling better, more confident today. 
• My beta is one week from today. 
• We're having dinner with friends on Friday night- I'm looking forward to doing something that does not revolve around IVF. 
• Here are my socks from the transfer....

So much to say...

I have approximately one million things to say, so here they are in no particular order....

Today is stim day four. I'm starting to feel bloated and sore-ish. And the bruises- they're annoying!

We cut down our christmas tree over the weekend- hopefully I'll have it decorated by the end of the day.

I had lunch with E today- I'm already totally bummed that she is moving away next year!

Monitoring appointment #1 was today. It looks like we have about 20 possible contenders. The largest was about 9mm and my lining was 5.5 with a triple stripe. So far so good! I heard back from the nurse after my blood work came back. She said the levels looked great, so we're keeping at the same dose (1 vial menopur and 150iu of foll.istim). I'm back in the office Wednesday and Friday for ultrasounds and blood work.

I think I missed the boat on exercise during stims. I was hoping to make a couple more trips to the gym, but I have a feeling that ship has sailed.

We bought a fraction of a cow... I'm a recovering vegetarian. In a typical week we eat beef maybe once or twice. I have a feeling that is about to change. What exactly is a person supposed to do with cube steak?

I hate it when there isn't enough left in your foll.istim cartridge for your whole dose. Two pokes=two bruises. Lame.

When I arrived home from our thanksgiving travels I had a package waiting on my doorstep from Janet! She sent me some seriously rad socks and her favorite book! What a fun and thoughtful little surprise! Thanks, Janet!!!!

I've started drinking Gatorade to combat the bloat, so far it is not that bad. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune a couple weeks from now. So far light blue and red are winners.

I got to snuggle with my nephews over the holiday- I love those boys!!!

I didn't witness a single black Friday fight! I did manage to find some good deals, but I didn't buy a single thing for anyone other than us. I scored some new sheets, jeans and a movie. I'm saving the nice new sheets for bed rest!

We managed the injection without letting on what we were up to. We just decided to take it early (5am) before I had to meet up with my Mom and SILs for shopping at 530. Since then, we've slowly pushed the time later and now we're up to our usual morning injection time of 6am.

Here's a picture of today's socks:

I got the results back from the pap with my new OB/gyn- everything is normal in there. Well,at least as far as that us concerned.

I had a dream over the weekend that I gave birth to a baby girl. She was perfect in every way, even if she was 27 inches long at birth!

Get Outta My Head...

I've been having some absurd dreams lately. The first couple were just pain outrageous and left me thinking about carnies when I woke up in the morning. Last night's dream was about our egg retrieval.

You may remember that during our first IVF cycle I had a recurring dream about my doctor showing up to my ER wearing flannel pj's with kittens on them- I'm hoping this new dream doesn't become a staple of my dreamy state. At least the last one was kinda funny- this one was just concerning.

In my dream Hubs decides that he doesn't want to go with me to the ER (NOT acceptable!) so I asked my parents to go instead. Keep in mind my parents don't even know that we're starting another cycle right now- and my mother is WAY too high strung to be in attendance at my ER/ET- no way, no how. In addition to it being totally weird that my parents were there, I had the nurse from HELL. She knew absolutely nothing about the IVF process and didn't think it was a big deal that I had no idea how many eggs were collected. Then, although  I've done this before, I think that it would be important for them to go over the post-ER restrictions- they didn't agree. So weird.

I woke up this morning VERY thankful to be in my bed with my alarm buzzing on my nightstand. I know that none of those things would ever happen, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mess with my stress level a little bit.

In more exciting news... 8 more BCPs! I'm oddly excited to start injecting myself with lu.pron on Monday- I know that sounds odd, but I'm well aware how quickly things start moving at that point!!!

I have my annual tomorrow with the doctor we are hoping to use for OB care in the near future- I'm sure I'll be back here with an opinion mid-morning.... because, I always have an opinion!

Insensitive...

Okay, on to the insensitive comment, or was it an insensitive gesture... probably both.

A little back story in bullet points:

• Our parents were the only people in our families to know about our infertility and IVF, except my brother and his girlfriend.
• We told our parents and 3 of our 4 siblings about the pregnancy right away.
• We never had a chance to tell my sister-in-law before we found out things weren't looking so good.
• After we were sure a miscarriage was imminent, hubs called both of our moms and asked them to relay the news to our siblings- cautioning my MIL that SIL didn't even know about the pregnancy.
• Hubs also made it VERY clear on both calls that we had ZERO desire to talk about what happened, and that we'd prefer to be left alone until we were ready.
• For some reason MIL thought that this was a good time to share our infertility with SIL in addition to the miscarriage. But either forgot to mention or didn't stress nearly enough, that this was not something we wanted to talk about.

So, SIL calls hubs (at work no less) and starts talking to him about the miscarriage. Hubs, obviously not wanting to talk about this at work (or at all) gave quick one word answers as she proceeded to shove her foot in her mouth over and over.

"Have you guys thought about adoption?" ...Seriously, I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. At this time the week before I was pregnant! And no, in all three years of trying, adoption NEVER crossed our minds- thank you SO much for the original idea, you're a lifesaver. And PS, adopting a baby is not going to change the fact that we JUST lost a baby that we were already completely in love with.

"We have some friends who adopted from a couple different countries, and all along we just thought they were doing the 'diversified family' thing, turns out they can't have kids." ...Um,okay but if ever we ever make the huge decision to adopt, it would not be in an effort to treat our family like our stock portfolio, thankyouverymuch!

"We've been trying for a long time too, but we haven't seen a doctor or anything. So, I know how it feels" ...Guess what? You don't have any idea how it feels. Unless you've been in these shoes and faced the same things, please don't compare... and even then, it's different.


The first two I find absolutely asinine, while the third makes my blood boil. I do not understand why people think that being able to relate somehow makes it all better. Can you not just tell someone that your sorry and not turn a horrible thing into something about you? Especially when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. I completely understand sharing with someone that you've been there, but if you do... make sure that you really HAVE been there.  Last time I checked, not getting pregnant from unprotected sex is not at all similar to not getting/staying pregnant after investing thousands of dollars and 1.5+ years into fertility drugs and treatments.

Needless to say, although I hate that the hubs had to field a call like that, we are both glad it was him and not me. I would not have been even half as kind as he was, and the holidays would have been very awkward this year. I haven't seen her since the call, and I'm trying really hard to just get over it, but I can't seem to forgive her actions. Perhaps spewing it out on the Internet will be the first step.

White Lies...

As you all know, when we started the IVF process we shared our journey with our parents. We told them about the struggles we'd already faced, and what was ahead of us. For the most part it was a good thing. It was nice to know that we'd never have to hear things like "when are you going to start a family" ever again, and for only that, it was worth it. However, something about sharing every intimate piece of that process didn't ever sit all that well with me. I never really felt like they cared enough to plug those three little letters into google and figure out just exactly what we were facing. It hurt my feelings that they didn't know how to care and be supportive in the ways that I wanted and needed. And to me, that wasn't something that I needed to teach them while I was just trying to keep my head above water.

When we found out that our cycle was likely going to collide with Thanksgiving we each made comments to our families about perhaps not being at the festivities. To both we made it clear that it had to do with trying again. I didn't love the idea of sharing this information, but it seemed necessary. Now that we have our calendar, and know that I'm not going to be on bed rest over the holiday we've told our parents that we'll be around for Thanksgiving. We also told them that we've "pushed things out" and are taking a little break. 

True, we are taking a little break.... a little over seven weeks until we start stims, and the ER/ET that we thought might interfere with Thanksgiving will be pushed back by about a week or two. 

We also aren't sure what we are going to do at the end of this cycle. If we'll share the good news right away (power of positive thinking!!) or if we'll keep it to ourselves a little longer this time. Either way, we want to make the choice when the time comes and not feel like we need to share because our families are waiting. 

So, at this point you all are the only people who know, and I'm pretty sure that is how it is going to remain. I don't think I'm going to share it with any of my girlfriends either. I figure the process will be a lot easier this time. I know what to expect. I know the process. Now it will just be a matter of navigating it all and staying hopeful that our outcome will be a healthy pregnancy and a sweet baby or two!

Calendar!!!

It just arrived in my inbox and I am so stinking excited to have it!

Looks like we are going to do BCPs a little longer than we did last time in a effort to not have a monitoring appointment/ER/ET over the Thanksgiving holiday, which is fine with me! I'll start stims the Saturday after Thanksgiving, with double the fol.listim I was on last time! Our projected ER will be the first week of December.

The dates really could not have worked out better- we'll be able to celebrate Thanksgiving (and shop Black Friday!) with our families and we'll also be able to slip in as one of the final cycles before the closure!

The only part that freaks me out a little is we will find out just days before Christmas. While I am totally optimistic that we will get pregnant again, I'm not sure if we'll tell right away... it will be crazy hard to keep that secret! And, God forbid, I'm not pregnant- we'll be spending the holiday with my sister-in-law who will be about 35 weeks pregnant at that point. BUUUUUUTTT, I'm not going to think about that part right now :)

Winning....

Ha, hardly a "prize", but my missing period has won me a trip to the clinic this afternoon for a hot date. The Wand. Hopefully all is well in there and we can get this show on the road. The only good thing about all of this, is it just might push our IVF cycle back a tiny bit and we may be able to find ourselves surrounded by family at an actual table on Thanksgiving, rather than eating turkey TV dinners from the laying position on bed rest. More importantly, it might mean Black Friday shopping for me.... watch out folks, hormonal woman with giant ovaries coming thru!!!!

As always, I'll be back with the update!