Quick weekend recap...

The weekend... it was great. I needed to get out of town and the trip ended up being more than I could have asked for. I spent time with friends, some time relaxing and a lot of time just quietly reflecting on everything that has happened in the last few months.

My good friend gave me a little token to remember our first little babe. Since we would have been due in April she gave me a clear bead for my necklace, which goes perfectly with my 'I can do hard things' charm. Love it!

As I already shared, we spent a day at the beach. After getting over the fact that there are some hard memories in that place, I had a really great time. There is just something about sitting watching the waves roll in that just calms me. It was exactly what I needed.

On Sunday I met up with my parents and went to church at the church I grew up in. The final hymn that we sang was one I don't ever remember singing in the past. While I wasn't a huge fan of the tune- the lyrics could not have been a more perfect ending to my weekend.

Lord Jesus, You Shall Be My Song

Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I journey. I’ll tell all my brothers about you wherever I go. For our life and our peace and our love is Yourself. Lord Jesus, you shall be my song as I Journey.

Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey. May all of my Joys be a faithful reflection of You. May the earth and the sea and the sky Join my song. Lord Jesus, you shall be my praise, as I Journey.

As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant, To carry your cross and to share all your burdens and tears. For you saved me by giving your body and blood. As long as I live, Jesus, Make me your servant.

I fear in the dark and the doubt of my Journey. But courage will come with the sound of your steps by my side, And with all of my brothers you’ve saved by your love, We’ll sing to your dawn at the end of our Journey.

The Help...

Over the weekend I met a friend of mine for dinner and a movie. She'd had a rough day, and when she asked if I wanted to see a movie I decided I'd let her choose. She chose The Help. I had been really wanting to see it, but had been terrified to actually do it, because I'd heard there was somewhat of a traumatic miscarriage scene in the book/movie in addition to a hint of infertility/RPL. I told my husband what we were seeing and he looked at me like I was crazy. He knew why I hadn't wanted to see it previously and was nervous I would get upset. I responded with flexed muscles..."I'm strong, I can do this."

I could, and I did. I refuse to allow myself to not do the things I want to because it might be hard or it might hurt. Those feelings are real and are meant to be felt, sheltering myself from them will not make them go away. As I told my husband, there are a lot of things I'm scared of, most of which aren't nearly as bad as I make them in my mind. This was one of those times. I would have reacted more had I not been waiting for the scene- the moment still took my breath away, it was one of those weird moment when for the first time you 'get it.' I hadn't been there before, I had never watched someone go through a miscarriage and been able to really empathize with them. Another lesson learned.

Miscarriage aside, the movie was amazing. The story was well done- the perfect balance of serious and hilarious moments. Although infertility has nothing on the painful struggle the women in this story faced, I couldn't help but connect the dots between the two over and over again. I guess what I've said for years really is true- a struggle is a struggle is a struggle. Though we may rank them in our minds- and may feel like no one else knows what we are going through, everyone knows hurt. Just because it isn't the same hurt doesn't mean they can't empathize with you at least on that level. I will likely never know what it feels like to be asked not to use the bathroom inside someone's home because they don't want to risk catching something from me, but I do know what it feels like to be pushed to the side in conversations because I couldn't possibly know how hard motherhood is-- even if un-motherhood is 500 times harder.

Maybe it is ridiculous to compare the two, and honestly it feels a little silly even as I type, but that hasn't stopped me before and it certainly isn't going to start now.

And the end, well it made my heart sing....

It's gonna be a long, long journey. It's gonna be an uphill climb. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be some lonely nights... but I'm ready to carry on. 

Martina....

Ummm, did anyone watch GMA on Thursday morning?

Martina McBride's new video for 'I'm Gonna Love You Through It' was on. The song is about a woman battling cancer and her husband loving her through the hard times, but I could certainly relate to the chorus. My husband has been such a rock through everything we've faced in the last three years, and even more so in the last three weeks. I am very thankful to have such a strong, loving and caring man with me on this journey!

The Facts of Life...

Probably one of my top ten favorite shows of all time.....

Some days are certainly easier than others in this journey with infertility. Some days it is the emotional side that is nearly too much to bare, others its the side effects from drugs and treatment and still others it is simply not really wanting to do the things it takes to get to the place you want to be.... you know, like jamming needles into your body or being violated by the ultrasound wand for the umpteenth time!

Today was one of those days. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was, but my stomach was in some serious turmoil. I assume it was from one of the many meds, but all I could think all day was how thankful I was to be home! Luckily for me I had cleaned up the house yesterday after our BBQ (which was SUPER fun by the way!) so today there was very little that needed to get done. Which meant paying a few bills, doing a few dishes and taking an afternoon nap :)

Did I already blog about my dramatic lu.pron injection on Friday night? Nope, looks like I didn't.... lets just say it took me almost an hour to get the nerve to shove that needle through the skin. Keep in mind that was lu.pron injection number five and about the fiftieth belly injection that I've done- it was seriously WAY harder than any other time. I think it was just one of those days where I was mad that I was even having to do injections. After about 4 calls to my husband in the living room, in ice pack and about 6 alcohol swabs I managed to get it done. The bonus was there wasn't any itching or a welt that night, which made the idea of doing it Saturday night MUCH easier.

I'm glad at this point I know to expect the rough days, but I also know to expect that those days will quickly come and go. Although there are hard days, at this point in our journey there are many more good/easy days than bad days. We've finally reached that point. We've accepted where we are- enjoying the good and taking the bad with a grain of salt.

Blessings...

Everyday I receive an email from an organization called Sarah's Laughter. Sarah's Laughter in a christian group that supports women facing infertility and child loss. Some days I read the daily email, and some days they get slipped into a folder in my inbox and saved for a rainy day. Yesterday's email shared a couple of songs that have helped women through this difficult time facing infertility and I thought I would share of them with you today as well as the artist's story behind the song. I think she is right... we are being blessed in the midst of this pain and suffering.

Stronger...

On Monday while I was driving to the clinic for my beta I was doing my best to prepare myself for a result that I was already pretty sure of. I'd been praying for peace and beginning to wrap my head around the idea of IVF in the next couple of months when this song came on the radio.....

A Page is Turned...

Today is cycle day one, and I can't help but feel like a page has turned and we are beginning a new chapter of our infertility story. With that said, I am reminded of a song that was played on our wedding day. I am forever grateful that God prepared for me the perfect partner to face this battle with, someone to hold me up when I've come undone. Which, to be totally honest, happens rather frequently these days!

A Page Is Turned: Bebo Norman

A page is turned by the wind to a boy in curly grin
With a world to conquer at the age of ten
But as history unfolds and the storybook is told
He finds salvation but not at the hands of man

And the God of second chance
Picked him up and He let him dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, preparing him, the one
To hold him up when he comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And now a man, here you stand
Your day has come

A page is turned in this world to reveal a little girl
With a heart that's bigger, as it is unfurled
By the language in her soul, that's teaching her to grow
With a careful cover of love that will not fail

And the God of second chance
Picked her up and He let her dance
Through a world that isn't kind
And all this time, preparing her the one
To hold her up when she comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And grown up tall, here you are
Your day has come

Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by his hand
And warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
Just for her hand

A page is turned in this life, he's making her his wife
And there is no secret to the source of this much life
When the grace that falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and he'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

After 3 hours on the phone with the insurance company, clinic and pharmacy it looks like all of my drugs are finally ordered and approved! I have a baseline and blood work tomorrow morning at 9 and then we are on our way to our first injectable cycle! Yahoo!

I'm With You...

I love evenings when the hubs and I cook dinner together and listen to music, it is the simple things that bring me the most joy! Tonight while I was doing the dishes and listening to our praise and worship Pandora station nice and loud I heard a song that has been a huge reminder through our infertility that God is good, all the time. I've been meaning to share it, and was reminded last weekend when Bobbi shared a couple of fantastic songs. So, here it is....

Casting Crowns 'Praise You In This Storm'

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I will hold you.

It seems fitting that I fell in love with this song yesterday afternoon, and last night I found myself wandering in the dark and pouring rain hand in hand with my husband….

When the Rain Comes

Third Day

When the rain comes

it seems that everyone has

gone away

When the night falls

you wonder if you shouldn't

find someplace

To run and hide

Escape the pain

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes

you blame it on the things that

you have done

When the storm fades

you know that rain must fall

on everyone

Rest awhile

It'll be alright

No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes

I will hold you