Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....
20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.
21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.
22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!
23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.
24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.
25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.
26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.
27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.
28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!
29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.
So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
31w1d appointment
I saw my doctor this afternoon, and as usual (surprising as it is to me every single time) all three of us are doing great. All the usual things were checked and fine-- urine, blood pressure, weight gain, doppler. My blood pressure was elevated slightly from my last appointment, but he said it wasn't any cause for concern just yet.
It looks like we will have an ultrasound & appointment at about 33.5 weeks and then we will be seen weekly from there on out. CRAZY! My doctor said everything is looking perfect and though he hopes these babies continue to grow for several more weeks, I am just DAYS away from the big goal of 32 weeks!
The boys have been moving a lot in the last few days and I am dying to know what positions those little stinkers have gotten themselves into. Every night when I go to bed I can feel little bums, knees and elbows sticking out of my belly in every direction. Though we have no idea what each bump actually is, it is fun to feel each of their little lumps!
In other news my belly button is changing and freaking me out. Last night I decided that I would lay down on the living room floor in an attempt to pop my back, as soon as I got down on the hard surface I ran my hand over my bare belly and the bottom of my belly button had popped out- freaked.me.out! It happened a couple more times last night when I was getting up from the laying position. I have a feeling it is going to really pop out in the next few weeks. I've kind of expected it to happen, but it just feels so weird- I can't get used to it!
The boys have been moving a lot in the last few days and I am dying to know what positions those little stinkers have gotten themselves into. Every night when I go to bed I can feel little bums, knees and elbows sticking out of my belly in every direction. Though we have no idea what each bump actually is, it is fun to feel each of their little lumps!
In other news my belly button is changing and freaking me out. Last night I decided that I would lay down on the living room floor in an attempt to pop my back, as soon as I got down on the hard surface I ran my hand over my bare belly and the bottom of my belly button had popped out- freaked.me.out! It happened a couple more times last night when I was getting up from the laying position. I have a feeling it is going to really pop out in the next few weeks. I've kind of expected it to happen, but it just feels so weird- I can't get used to it!
 |
| 31 weeks- with an odd little point right where Baby B likes to hang out! |
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Whoa!
Oh.my.gosh.
So the other day my husband and I were talking about all of the medications I have taken in the effort to get pregnant. He said he wished I would have written it all down- I looked at him like he was crazy and said 'I have!' So he asked me to put it all in one place so we could keep track, just for kicks. Um, its NUTS!
I of course have a list of ALL the meds I've taken, but for this I just focused on stimulation drugs and hormone supplements.
Without further ado, after 6 unmonitored clomid cycles, 6 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle...
Progesterone (pro.metrium, caps, endo.metrin) -- 18,600mg
Clo.mid -- 5,000mg
Fo.llistim -- 2,850iu
Men.opur -- 825iu
Lu.pron -- 175iu
Es.trace -- 70mg
Hcg (Ovi.drel, Nov.arel) -- 11,500iu
Just just so you know... that breaks down like this-
159 pills swallowed
78 injections- thankfully only 12 of those were in my rear!
111 suppositories inserted
... and that doesn't count 3 years worth of pre-natal vitamins, one year of met.formin 3x per day, antibiotics or steroids- that would add over 2,300 pills swallowed. This from the girl who took baby Tylenol through college because I could not swallow a pill. Oh, the lessons we learn!
Just just so you know... that breaks down like this-
159 pills swallowed
78 injections- thankfully only 12 of those were in my rear!
111 suppositories inserted
... and that doesn't count 3 years worth of pre-natal vitamins, one year of met.formin 3x per day, antibiotics or steroids- that would add over 2,300 pills swallowed. This from the girl who took baby Tylenol through college because I could not swallow a pill. Oh, the lessons we learn!
Wowsers... that is A LOT! Lets hope there is only ONE more cycle to add to this list!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Waiting...
Just waiting for cycle day one for the twenty-second time.
We've been trying for over two and a half years and have had twenty-two failed cycles.
Ten failed Clomid cycles.
1 failed injectable cycle.
5 failed IUI cycles.
We are going to do one last injectable IUI cyle. If that isn't successfull... well, you know what comes next. Right now, I am trying not to think about it!
We've been trying for over two and a half years and have had twenty-two failed cycles.
Ten failed Clomid cycles.
1 failed injectable cycle.
5 failed IUI cycles.
We are going to do one last injectable IUI cyle. If that isn't successfull... well, you know what comes next. Right now, I am trying not to think about it!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
We have a plan...
I am feeling so much better after our discussion appointment this morning . I had convinced myself that IVF was next, and after talking with our doctor we found out that we had more than one option.
Obviously the best success rates are going to be with IVF. Our doctor told us that for our case we would be looking at about a 70% chance of a pregnancy and about a 65% chance of live birth. These are fantastic odds, and they certainly make me feel confident that this IS going to happen eventually. At our clinic IVF is about a three month process from start to finish. First comes a month of testing, a month of BCPs and finally the stim/retrieval/transfer month. So, IVF with ICSI is option one.
Our second option would be to continue on with the same plan we've been using- IUIs in conjunction with clomid. I feel like we've already exhausted this option. Although we've seen a good response, it hasn't worked. Its time to move on.
Our third option was to continue with IUIs, but move on to injectable (follistim) medication in place of clomid. Switching to injectables will increase our chances of pregnancy by 5% each cycle, but also will increase our chances of having a cycle canceled due to over stimulation.
We chose option three. For me, I feel it is necessary to exhaust our options before we move on to IVF. Our RE agreed with our choice and said it would be a good way to transition into an IVF cycle. She suggested doing two or three injectable IUI cycles, but said we can choose to abandon IUI at any time and move over to IVF.
Even though we are in the midst of our current IUI cycle, we will begin preparing for injectables this week. I have a teaching appointment scheduled for this Thursday. Soon, I will know more than I ever wanted to about giving my self injections as part of our quest for a baby.
So, there you have it. In thirteen days we will find out if this discussion was even necessary. If it was, we will be ready to move forward with injectables just a few days later.
Sadly, we also found out today that my doctor is nearing her maternity leave, so she may or may not be around when/if we do IVF. I have really liked her throughout our treatment, but also feel completely and totally confident that I will be equally happy with all of the other doctors in her practice.
Obviously the best success rates are going to be with IVF. Our doctor told us that for our case we would be looking at about a 70% chance of a pregnancy and about a 65% chance of live birth. These are fantastic odds, and they certainly make me feel confident that this IS going to happen eventually. At our clinic IVF is about a three month process from start to finish. First comes a month of testing, a month of BCPs and finally the stim/retrieval/transfer month. So, IVF with ICSI is option one.
Our second option would be to continue on with the same plan we've been using- IUIs in conjunction with clomid. I feel like we've already exhausted this option. Although we've seen a good response, it hasn't worked. Its time to move on.
Our third option was to continue with IUIs, but move on to injectable (follistim) medication in place of clomid. Switching to injectables will increase our chances of pregnancy by 5% each cycle, but also will increase our chances of having a cycle canceled due to over stimulation.
We chose option three. For me, I feel it is necessary to exhaust our options before we move on to IVF. Our RE agreed with our choice and said it would be a good way to transition into an IVF cycle. She suggested doing two or three injectable IUI cycles, but said we can choose to abandon IUI at any time and move over to IVF.
Even though we are in the midst of our current IUI cycle, we will begin preparing for injectables this week. I have a teaching appointment scheduled for this Thursday. Soon, I will know more than I ever wanted to about giving my self injections as part of our quest for a baby.
So, there you have it. In thirteen days we will find out if this discussion was even necessary. If it was, we will be ready to move forward with injectables just a few days later.
Sadly, we also found out today that my doctor is nearing her maternity leave, so she may or may not be around when/if we do IVF. I have really liked her throughout our treatment, but also feel completely and totally confident that I will be equally happy with all of the other doctors in her practice.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
5dpiui
Well, I'm 5 days into the 12 day wait and I don't have much to report. I still have that weird rash on my stomach and inside of my arms, but I think that came too early to be anything pregnancy related. My only other symptom is the burping. It has been happening a lot, and it is pretty often that it goes a little too far... if you catch my drift. YUCK!
I am pretty calm and relaxed about this cycle. I've been doing my best to focus on each day as it comes and not worry too much about what the future may bring. Once we know the outcome of this cycle we will know better what we want to do going forward.
I have a question for those of you who know about the difference between a clomid/iui and injectable/iui cycle. My doctor had originally suggested us not moving forward with injectables (and iui) and moving straight to IVF, but her main argument for this was that our money would be better spent (higher success rate) on IVF. Here is the thing- if this cycle doesn't work, we will more than likely do one last iui. Our insurance pays for everything but the copay on office visits and a copay for the medications. I know that on injectables I would have more appointments (more $$ on copays) and I would likely pay slightly more for my meds. However, it would be nothing close to the $3-4k she was talking about. What would you do?
If this cycle is a bust, I will speak with the nurse when she calls with my beta results about the difference in success rates. Ultimately if we are looking at the same success from clomid or injectables, I THINK we would just stick with clomid for the ease of it. However, I am more than willing to stick my self in the stomach everyday and make more trips to the clinic if it means our chances are even a tiny bit better! So, give me your advice- knowledge- tips... I want to hear it all!!!
I am pretty calm and relaxed about this cycle. I've been doing my best to focus on each day as it comes and not worry too much about what the future may bring. Once we know the outcome of this cycle we will know better what we want to do going forward.
I have a question for those of you who know about the difference between a clomid/iui and injectable/iui cycle. My doctor had originally suggested us not moving forward with injectables (and iui) and moving straight to IVF, but her main argument for this was that our money would be better spent (higher success rate) on IVF. Here is the thing- if this cycle doesn't work, we will more than likely do one last iui. Our insurance pays for everything but the copay on office visits and a copay for the medications. I know that on injectables I would have more appointments (more $$ on copays) and I would likely pay slightly more for my meds. However, it would be nothing close to the $3-4k she was talking about. What would you do?
If this cycle is a bust, I will speak with the nurse when she calls with my beta results about the difference in success rates. Ultimately if we are looking at the same success from clomid or injectables, I THINK we would just stick with clomid for the ease of it. However, I am more than willing to stick my self in the stomach everyday and make more trips to the clinic if it means our chances are even a tiny bit better! So, give me your advice- knowledge- tips... I want to hear it all!!!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear...
So, as I said in my last post our third IUI is complete, and we will find out just before Christmas if it was successful. Although I am all for finding out as soon as possible, I almost wish my beta were after Christmas. Even if it is positive, we will likely keep the news to ourselves because I would only be 4 weeks on Christmas day. More importantly, if it is negative I feel like it is going to be a hard weekend for me. I've taken the last two failed cycles fairly well, but with IVF now looming in the not so distant future I'm not sure I'll be able to be as emotionally unattached.
As you know, our diagnosis is PCOS, hypothyroidism and now we've added low sperm count to the line up of fertility issues. After talking with our doctor this morning about success rates considering all of these issues, she encouraged us to begin really thinking about IVF with ICSI. Since we have my thyroid under control and I'm ovulating with the help of clomid/metformin the larger issue right now is the low sperm count. She said the best and most cost effective way to treat our case would be with IVF.
After talking a little more she agreed to allow us to do one more clomid/IUI cycle if the current cycle doesn't produce a pregnancy. At that point we will re-group and begin doing any testing that will be needed before doing an IVF cycle. She reminded us that we are young and that we don't need to jump into anything, and if we'd like to take break there is no harm in that.
Our plan at the moment is to do our best to live in the here an now. We are going to see what happens in the next painfully long 11 days, and then figure out where to go from there. We are open to IVF, I'm just not sure how quickly we will move on it.
So, like the title says.... objects (IVF) may be closer than they appear....
Thursday, December 2, 2010
oh-my!
For the past few days I've written and deleted more posts than I can count. I just didn't have much to say. I'm on CD 7, just finished my last dose of clo.mid and things are just floating along.
I was just realizing that my days of going to the gym in the morning are almost over for a couple of weeks. My doctor would rather me not do too much cardio in the 2ww, or super close to ovulation for that matter. So, that means I've got a few more days to enjoy my morning frolic on the elliptical while I watch garbage on TV. Wondering how common it is for women to be cautioned about exercise when it comes to fertility meds, ovulation and treatment cycles in general I consulted Dr. Google.
It turns out that it is pretty common for doctors to ask patients to limit the vigor of their exercise as the cycle moves forward. This was exactly what I expected to read and also what I intended to do.
I am sure at this point (if you made it to this point), you are wondering why I didn't write and delete this post along with the others I've written. Hang tight.. there is a punchline to this story.
As I was reading about exercise on one website (dedicated to infertility) I noticed an ad on the side bar. An ad for Plan B. Really? You have an ad for PLAN B on an infertility website? Such a slap in the face. I would have an adverse reaction to any birth control being advertised on an infertility website, but come on, Plan B... that is just too much.
Hopefully I will find something to talk about sometime in the next week... otherwise I'll be back next Thursday after my appointment with the wand!
I was just realizing that my days of going to the gym in the morning are almost over for a couple of weeks. My doctor would rather me not do too much cardio in the 2ww, or super close to ovulation for that matter. So, that means I've got a few more days to enjoy my morning frolic on the elliptical while I watch garbage on TV. Wondering how common it is for women to be cautioned about exercise when it comes to fertility meds, ovulation and treatment cycles in general I consulted Dr. Google.
It turns out that it is pretty common for doctors to ask patients to limit the vigor of their exercise as the cycle moves forward. This was exactly what I expected to read and also what I intended to do.
I am sure at this point (if you made it to this point), you are wondering why I didn't write and delete this post along with the others I've written. Hang tight.. there is a punchline to this story.
As I was reading about exercise on one website (dedicated to infertility) I noticed an ad on the side bar. An ad for Plan B. Really? You have an ad for PLAN B on an infertility website? Such a slap in the face. I would have an adverse reaction to any birth control being advertised on an infertility website, but come on, Plan B... that is just too much.
Hopefully I will find something to talk about sometime in the next week... otherwise I'll be back next Thursday after my appointment with the wand!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Here we go again...
I started my period on Friday while I was still out of town visiting family for the holiday, so I stealthily slipped away to make the call to my clinic to report that CD1 had arrived. Being that it was a holiday weekend I had to leave a message with the service and wait for the nurse to return my call. When she called she let me know that an early ultrasound was not necessary because I don't appear to be a cyst grower (which I already knew from last cycle), but otherwise we are going to go with a very similar protocol to last cycle. The only other change will be that my mid cycle scan will be on CD14 instead of CD12 because my follies grew at such a slow pace last cycle.
It is hard for me to believe that we are already starting our third IUI cycle. I feel like we were just walking into the RE's office for the first time. We were nervous, anxious and all together uneasy about what would come from our consultation. It seems utterly insane that at this point we've both endured some invasive testing, I've given myself two injections, done two inseminations, left several vials of blood at the lab and have spent many mornings driving 40 minutes for a rendezvous with the wand.
So here I am on CD3, the first dose of clomid is already working its magic and I am hopeful that this will be it. In 11 days I have an appointment with the same doctor that preformed our last insemination (because my doctor will be out of the office again) and from there we will either schedule the trigger and insemination or I will be back in the office a few days later for another ultrasound.
So, here we are. We've found ourselves at the beginning of another cycle hoping and praying that this is it.
Here we go again...
It is hard for me to believe that we are already starting our third IUI cycle. I feel like we were just walking into the RE's office for the first time. We were nervous, anxious and all together uneasy about what would come from our consultation. It seems utterly insane that at this point we've both endured some invasive testing, I've given myself two injections, done two inseminations, left several vials of blood at the lab and have spent many mornings driving 40 minutes for a rendezvous with the wand.
So here I am on CD3, the first dose of clomid is already working its magic and I am hopeful that this will be it. In 11 days I have an appointment with the same doctor that preformed our last insemination (because my doctor will be out of the office again) and from there we will either schedule the trigger and insemination or I will be back in the office a few days later for another ultrasound.
So, here we are. We've found ourselves at the beginning of another cycle hoping and praying that this is it.
Here we go again...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Come on....
Seriously.
I went back for another round at the RE's office today... ultrasound #3 this cycle and still those dang follies are SLOW growers! It appears that only one of three is going to buck-up and grow, so we are waiting a little longer to trigger. My lining is better than last cycle, so maybe that will be the saving grace.
The plan is for me to continue to use OPKs through the morning of the trigger, just in case my ovaries decide to play any tricks. I'll give myself the trigger on Monday evening and then insemination will be on Wednesday morning. 12 agonizing days later we will know our fate, just in time to feel REALLY thankful for a positive beta or EXTRA thankful that our insurance covers 6 IUIs.
Remember how I was wishing and hoping that we wouldn't have our IUI over the weekend because "I am SO tired of having people I don't know in my vagina." ? Well, turns out my doctor is on call this weekend. Care to guess what that means? Yeah, she'll be out of the office on Wednesday. Splendid!
Even with all of that, I still have this almost annoying optimism about all of it. I don't mean optimism about this cycle specifically, but about the process in general. We WILL end this journey with a baby in our arms. Someday!
I went back for another round at the RE's office today... ultrasound #3 this cycle and still those dang follies are SLOW growers! It appears that only one of three is going to buck-up and grow, so we are waiting a little longer to trigger. My lining is better than last cycle, so maybe that will be the saving grace.
The plan is for me to continue to use OPKs through the morning of the trigger, just in case my ovaries decide to play any tricks. I'll give myself the trigger on Monday evening and then insemination will be on Wednesday morning. 12 agonizing days later we will know our fate, just in time to feel REALLY thankful for a positive beta or EXTRA thankful that our insurance covers 6 IUIs.
Remember how I was wishing and hoping that we wouldn't have our IUI over the weekend because "I am SO tired of having people I don't know in my vagina." ? Well, turns out my doctor is on call this weekend. Care to guess what that means? Yeah, she'll be out of the office on Wednesday. Splendid!
Even with all of that, I still have this almost annoying optimism about all of it. I don't mean optimism about this cycle specifically, but about the process in general. We WILL end this journey with a baby in our arms. Someday!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Uneventful...
Uneventful.. .that is what my ultrasound was today. It is day 12 and I was expecting to find a couple of decent sized follies, walk out with a prescription for my trigger and return on Friday for the IUI. That was not the case. It appears that I will be returning on Friday, but instead of it being for an insemination, it will be for another ultrasound.
Today I had 3 pathetic little follicles. My doctor is confident that at least one of them will be nice and plump by Friday, so I guess we will wait a little longer! In the meantime my doctor suggested that I encourage those follies to "grow, grow, grow!!"
Pray for growing follies this week....preferably two instead of three :)
Today I had 3 pathetic little follicles. My doctor is confident that at least one of them will be nice and plump by Friday, so I guess we will wait a little longer! In the meantime my doctor suggested that I encourage those follies to "grow, grow, grow!!"
Pray for growing follies this week....preferably two instead of three :)
Saturday, October 30, 2010
A year...
It has been one year since the day I made my first post on this blog. While a few things remain the same (like the obvious), several things have changed.
In an effort to take a closer look at my where my head was at this time last year, I am going to re-post the very first words I wrote as Waiting and Wishing.....
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wasted.
In the two years that we were married before we started trying to start our family we spent hundreds of dollars on birth control. I spent a lot of time thinking about how we would feel if I were to get pregnant. The truth of the matter is, if it had happened we would have been happy, thrilled, overjoyed. That time and money was wasted.
As it turns out, just throwing the pill out the window isn't the golden ticket when it comes to me getting pregnant. Heck, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be sitting here after 15 months of trying, writing out our journey so that I can remember just how far we've come when I finally have the joy of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test instead of the dreaded ONE that I have seen far too many times to count. If there is one thing that I have realized in this journey, it is that it never gets easier to see the evidence (in whatever form it may come) that it once again just isn't our month.
The journey is tough. There are tears and heartache, blood draws, treatments, stirrups, baby showers to attend and never ending questions from outsiders about when we will start a family. It doesn't get easier, the tears may come less frequently, but it still hurts.
We decided in the spring of 2008 that we were ready to start growing our family. We decided to wait until after I had my annual appointment with my NP, just to make sure that everything was ok. I had my appointment in May and was told "just throw the pill away when you are ready and call me when you get a positive pregnancy test." Oh how I wish it could have been that easy.
We ended up waiting until July to start trying. I stopped taking the pill and thought we were being realistic when we agreed it would be a nice surprise if I got pregnant before Christmas, but certainly no reason to be concerned if I hadn't.
I had one normal cycle after I came off of birth control. Then I began a very long cycle that finally ended with several negative pregnancy tests, a call to my NP and a prescription for Prometrium. The nurse assured me that it is perfectly normal to have a hard time cycling after being on birth control. She agreed with the doctor's order to jump start my period. She said more than likely, I would be back to normal in no time. Wrong. We tried the Prometrium again in February and again it had the desired outcome of a period, but I was skeptical that it would actually make things normal again.
I'm not sure I would call it "normal" but I did begin a new cycle on my own just in time for my annual exam. Instead of canceling the appointment I kept it to talk with my doctor about what might be wrong and to consider having some tests. I left the office with a new sense of calm about the situation. I was ready. I had left four vials of blood at the office (surely that would tell us something) and had a prescription for a fertility drug in my hand. I was sure that I would be pregnant before the summer was over, maybe even before we hit the one year mark. When I went to the office the following week for my re-scheduled exam my NP told me that they didn't find anything in my blood work that would cause any red flags in terms of trying to conceive. She did the exam and again said that there wasn't anything that she could feel or see that would be causing me not to get pregnant. In an attempt to make sure that the only thing standing in our way was my body having no idea how to ovulate on its own and at a normal time, she ordered a semen analysis.
The analysis came back normal. We were thankful that there was only one problem and we already had the medication to "fix" it. I woke up religiously 5am to take my temperature and chart it to see if and when I ovulated. I went in each cycle on the twenty-fifth day to have more blood drawn to check my levels. It was no picnic. The medication made me sick while I was taking it, put me in a significant amount of pain during ovulation and just overall made me feel weird. But, I continued to tell myself that it was all worth it. If I had to feel this way for the next year in order to hold our baby in my arms it would all be worth it.
Medicated cycle 1: Not pregnant
Medicated cycle 2: Not pregnant
Medicated cycle 3: Not pregnant, and officially "infertile." Great, that is one label I was hoping to avoid.
Medicated cycle 4: Still, not pregnant
And that bring us to today. I am at the bitter end of medicated cycle number 5. My temperature has dropped. I was an emotional wreck last night. It is only a matter of time until medicated cycle 6 begins. Did I mention that typically they only prescribe 6 cycles of this drug in a row? Great.
Next stop, invasive tests and a referral to a specialist.
I know I told anyone who would listen that all I wanted for Christmas was a garbage disposal, but I've changed my mind. Please move growing fetus to the top of my list.
When I read this post I just wanted to hug the girl that was writing it at this time last year. I hear a woman who is scared, angry and without much hope. Thankfully, I am in a different place this October. In spite of now knowing some of the causes of our infertility and being in the midst of more invasive treatments I find myself in a MUCH better place than I was at this time last year. I have HOPE, and although some days I find myself sad and angry about our infertility, those days are few and far between. What a difference a year makes.
PS, One thing remains the same... growing fetus will still be at the top of my Christmas list this year!
In an effort to take a closer look at my where my head was at this time last year, I am going to re-post the very first words I wrote as Waiting and Wishing.....
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wasted.
In the two years that we were married before we started trying to start our family we spent hundreds of dollars on birth control. I spent a lot of time thinking about how we would feel if I were to get pregnant. The truth of the matter is, if it had happened we would have been happy, thrilled, overjoyed. That time and money was wasted.
As it turns out, just throwing the pill out the window isn't the golden ticket when it comes to me getting pregnant. Heck, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be sitting here after 15 months of trying, writing out our journey so that I can remember just how far we've come when I finally have the joy of seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test instead of the dreaded ONE that I have seen far too many times to count. If there is one thing that I have realized in this journey, it is that it never gets easier to see the evidence (in whatever form it may come) that it once again just isn't our month.
The journey is tough. There are tears and heartache, blood draws, treatments, stirrups, baby showers to attend and never ending questions from outsiders about when we will start a family. It doesn't get easier, the tears may come less frequently, but it still hurts.
We decided in the spring of 2008 that we were ready to start growing our family. We decided to wait until after I had my annual appointment with my NP, just to make sure that everything was ok. I had my appointment in May and was told "just throw the pill away when you are ready and call me when you get a positive pregnancy test." Oh how I wish it could have been that easy.
We ended up waiting until July to start trying. I stopped taking the pill and thought we were being realistic when we agreed it would be a nice surprise if I got pregnant before Christmas, but certainly no reason to be concerned if I hadn't.
I had one normal cycle after I came off of birth control. Then I began a very long cycle that finally ended with several negative pregnancy tests, a call to my NP and a prescription for Prometrium. The nurse assured me that it is perfectly normal to have a hard time cycling after being on birth control. She agreed with the doctor's order to jump start my period. She said more than likely, I would be back to normal in no time. Wrong. We tried the Prometrium again in February and again it had the desired outcome of a period, but I was skeptical that it would actually make things normal again.
I'm not sure I would call it "normal" but I did begin a new cycle on my own just in time for my annual exam. Instead of canceling the appointment I kept it to talk with my doctor about what might be wrong and to consider having some tests. I left the office with a new sense of calm about the situation. I was ready. I had left four vials of blood at the office (surely that would tell us something) and had a prescription for a fertility drug in my hand. I was sure that I would be pregnant before the summer was over, maybe even before we hit the one year mark. When I went to the office the following week for my re-scheduled exam my NP told me that they didn't find anything in my blood work that would cause any red flags in terms of trying to conceive. She did the exam and again said that there wasn't anything that she could feel or see that would be causing me not to get pregnant. In an attempt to make sure that the only thing standing in our way was my body having no idea how to ovulate on its own and at a normal time, she ordered a semen analysis.
The analysis came back normal. We were thankful that there was only one problem and we already had the medication to "fix" it. I woke up religiously 5am to take my temperature and chart it to see if and when I ovulated. I went in each cycle on the twenty-fifth day to have more blood drawn to check my levels. It was no picnic. The medication made me sick while I was taking it, put me in a significant amount of pain during ovulation and just overall made me feel weird. But, I continued to tell myself that it was all worth it. If I had to feel this way for the next year in order to hold our baby in my arms it would all be worth it.
Medicated cycle 1: Not pregnant
Medicated cycle 2: Not pregnant
Medicated cycle 3: Not pregnant, and officially "infertile." Great, that is one label I was hoping to avoid.
Medicated cycle 4: Still, not pregnant
And that bring us to today. I am at the bitter end of medicated cycle number 5. My temperature has dropped. I was an emotional wreck last night. It is only a matter of time until medicated cycle 6 begins. Did I mention that typically they only prescribe 6 cycles of this drug in a row? Great.
Next stop, invasive tests and a referral to a specialist.
I know I told anyone who would listen that all I wanted for Christmas was a garbage disposal, but I've changed my mind. Please move growing fetus to the top of my list.
When I read this post I just wanted to hug the girl that was writing it at this time last year. I hear a woman who is scared, angry and without much hope. Thankfully, I am in a different place this October. In spite of now knowing some of the causes of our infertility and being in the midst of more invasive treatments I find myself in a MUCH better place than I was at this time last year. I have HOPE, and although some days I find myself sad and angry about our infertility, those days are few and far between. What a difference a year makes.
PS, One thing remains the same... growing fetus will still be at the top of my Christmas list this year!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Random thoughts on CD2...
Yesterday my mail consisted of a bill from my RE's office and a baby shower invitation. Those may be my two least favorite pieces of mail to receive. On the bright side, at least it only ruined one trip to the mail box... AND my bill was for only $20!
I had my baseline ultrasound this morning to see if I am a "cyst grower" on clomid. Turns out I'm not. There is one tiny follicle growing on each side around 5mm. She said everything looked great and I'll go back from another ultrasound on CD12. The best news of all is that I don't have to have to do the CD2 ultrasound next time... if there is a next time!
I made an appointment this morning for a sperm function test for the hubs. Hopefully everything will come back normal!
IUI #2 will most likely be two weeks from today.
I had my blood drawn today and it HURT!
I'm having a pedicure today and I cannot wait. I need a glorious hour of relaxation!
I had my baseline ultrasound this morning to see if I am a "cyst grower" on clomid. Turns out I'm not. There is one tiny follicle growing on each side around 5mm. She said everything looked great and I'll go back from another ultrasound on CD12. The best news of all is that I don't have to have to do the CD2 ultrasound next time... if there is a next time!
I made an appointment this morning for a sperm function test for the hubs. Hopefully everything will come back normal!
IUI #2 will most likely be two weeks from today.
I had my blood drawn today and it HURT!
I'm having a pedicure today and I cannot wait. I need a glorious hour of relaxation!
Monday, October 18, 2010
A Pass...
This morning after seeing my BBT and making the assumption that my beta would be negative I gave myself a 'pass' for the day. A pass to leave the dishes in the sink, to not worry about the laundry, to not think about calories or really anything else for that matter.
I mindlessly drove 45 minutes to have my blood drawn. Made a quick stop for my husband on my way back and then came home. Once I arrived, I quickly found my place on the couch and told myself to just relax until I knew for sure. I watched garbage on tv and messed around online, giving zero thought to the things I should've been doing.
The phone rang, and luckily the nurse just gave it to me straight- "Unfortunately your beta came back negative." She explained my next cycle and that was it. I hung up the phone and didn't let one single tear roll down my face. Why? Because this is not the end for us. I have hope and I trust that somehow, someway there will be tiny feet in this house. Someday.
Don't get me wrong I wish this would have been it, but it wasn't and I'm moving on. I had my husband pick up a pizza on the way home and I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening doing just exactly what I'm doing right now... absolutely NOTHING!
When my husband got home and asked me if I was ok, and told him that I was. Slightly surprised he stepped back, looked at me and said 'are you really ok, or are you just saying that?' I have to admit, I really am fine. I'm not really sad about this cycle not working out. I feel like we gave it everything we had, and it just wasn't enough. Maybe, hopefully next time. If I am upset about anything, it is the fact that I have to endure the drugs again... oh, how I hate fertility drugs! Oh, and the CD2 ultrasound... I could have really gone without doing that again!!!
I mindlessly drove 45 minutes to have my blood drawn. Made a quick stop for my husband on my way back and then came home. Once I arrived, I quickly found my place on the couch and told myself to just relax until I knew for sure. I watched garbage on tv and messed around online, giving zero thought to the things I should've been doing.
The phone rang, and luckily the nurse just gave it to me straight- "Unfortunately your beta came back negative." She explained my next cycle and that was it. I hung up the phone and didn't let one single tear roll down my face. Why? Because this is not the end for us. I have hope and I trust that somehow, someway there will be tiny feet in this house. Someday.
Don't get me wrong I wish this would have been it, but it wasn't and I'm moving on. I had my husband pick up a pizza on the way home and I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening doing just exactly what I'm doing right now... absolutely NOTHING!
When my husband got home and asked me if I was ok, and told him that I was. Slightly surprised he stepped back, looked at me and said 'are you really ok, or are you just saying that?' I have to admit, I really am fine. I'm not really sad about this cycle not working out. I feel like we gave it everything we had, and it just wasn't enough. Maybe, hopefully next time. If I am upset about anything, it is the fact that I have to endure the drugs again... oh, how I hate fertility drugs! Oh, and the CD2 ultrasound... I could have really gone without doing that again!!!
13dpiui *updated*
Well, today is the day I've been waiting for since sometime in September when we found out we'd be doing an iui cycle. Today I have my beta. At some point this afternoon a nurse will call and either say 'hooray, you're pregnant' or 'sorry, not this time.'
I've had a bunch of pregnancy symptoms, but the things about most pregnancy symptoms (as you know) is.... they are mostly the same as period symptoms. I am not one to usually have any "symptoms" prior to AF arriving, so I was optimistic for awhile, but then I remembered that I did trigger this month with Ovi.drel, and that may have something to do with this change.
My BBT had been holding strong and high until this morning when it dropped by .3 - I'm pretty sure my beta will be negative today. I was pretty bummed when I looked at the thermometer this morning and realized my fate, but then I reminded myself that this was only the first try. If today ends as I am anticipating, we will pick ourselves back up and start the process over.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't over just yet. However, I am trying to be honest with myself about the facts- and they just aren't stacking up in our favor!
I'll be back to update late this afternoon with the beta results....
** I just heard from the nurse... My suspicions were right, we will be starting another cycle later this week. I'm bummed, but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that this was just ONE attempt. I'm ready to jump back in and start over. The protocol will be the same for this next cycle, the only addition will be a repeat SA for the hubs. Unless there are any cysts, I will be back on the joyous (haha) clomid by the end of the week!
I've had a bunch of pregnancy symptoms, but the things about most pregnancy symptoms (as you know) is.... they are mostly the same as period symptoms. I am not one to usually have any "symptoms" prior to AF arriving, so I was optimistic for awhile, but then I remembered that I did trigger this month with Ovi.drel, and that may have something to do with this change.
My BBT had been holding strong and high until this morning when it dropped by .3 - I'm pretty sure my beta will be negative today. I was pretty bummed when I looked at the thermometer this morning and realized my fate, but then I reminded myself that this was only the first try. If today ends as I am anticipating, we will pick ourselves back up and start the process over.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't over just yet. However, I am trying to be honest with myself about the facts- and they just aren't stacking up in our favor!
I'll be back to update late this afternoon with the beta results....
** I just heard from the nurse... My suspicions were right, we will be starting another cycle later this week. I'm bummed, but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that this was just ONE attempt. I'm ready to jump back in and start over. The protocol will be the same for this next cycle, the only addition will be a repeat SA for the hubs. Unless there are any cysts, I will be back on the joyous (haha) clomid by the end of the week!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Time
Time is a funny thing. Although I'm not convinced that it "heals all wounds," I have to agree that sometimes it lessens the memories. Today's example: clomid.
After about a 9 months of trying to get pregnant I started the wonder drug. I did six cycles in a row and none of them worked. Well, they "worked" but I didn't get pregnant. What did I get? Hot flashes, headaches, clomid fog and the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away. However, about a year later when my RE suggested that we start our treatment with her by using clomid in conjunction with IUI I wasn't too worried. Clomid was a distant memory. Don't get me wrong I remembered that I DID NOT enjoy taking it, but I also had forgotten just how MUCH I hated it. Fast forward to yesterday when the first dose went down the hatch. I was fine for several hours, but when I went to bed I remembered my least favorite of all the side effects.... the hot flashes! Yuck. I am not a fan of sweating unless I'm working out. That being said, waking up with a damp shirt only an hour after falling asleep was a little concerning. At first I thought I was getting sick... then I remembered... Clomid.
BUT, as much as I don't like it, if it works I will sing its praises FOREVER!
I don't mind time mending the open wounds of infertility, but I hope it doesn't fix them. I would like to come out the other side of this with a scar. I want to remember this time in my life and all of the things I've learned from it. The struggle will only make it sweeter.
After about a 9 months of trying to get pregnant I started the wonder drug. I did six cycles in a row and none of them worked. Well, they "worked" but I didn't get pregnant. What did I get? Hot flashes, headaches, clomid fog and the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away. However, about a year later when my RE suggested that we start our treatment with her by using clomid in conjunction with IUI I wasn't too worried. Clomid was a distant memory. Don't get me wrong I remembered that I DID NOT enjoy taking it, but I also had forgotten just how MUCH I hated it. Fast forward to yesterday when the first dose went down the hatch. I was fine for several hours, but when I went to bed I remembered my least favorite of all the side effects.... the hot flashes! Yuck. I am not a fan of sweating unless I'm working out. That being said, waking up with a damp shirt only an hour after falling asleep was a little concerning. At first I thought I was getting sick... then I remembered... Clomid.
BUT, as much as I don't like it, if it works I will sing its praises FOREVER!
I don't mind time mending the open wounds of infertility, but I hope it doesn't fix them. I would like to come out the other side of this with a scar. I want to remember this time in my life and all of the things I've learned from it. The struggle will only make it sweeter.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Psalm 113:9
"He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD."
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD."
Psalm 113:9
This past weekend I had the opportunity to surprise my parents early on Sunday morning. They live about two hours away and since my husband was going to be out of town for the majority of the day I decided to head down to visit them and some other friends and family that I don't get to see nearly enough.
I had previously thought I'd go later this week,but when it became apparent that AF would be visiting soon I figured in the interest of being around for a baseline internal ultrasound (more on that later) I should go sooner rather than later. Boy, am I glad that I did.
The verse at the top of this post was part of the reading from last Sunday at the church I grew up in. When the words were read it was like there was not a single other person in the sanctuary. It was as if the little old lady behind the lectern was looking me in the eye reading those words directly to me.
They were words I needed desperately to hear. I was getting anxious about the cycle that is ahead of us. It will be our first time cycling with our fertility clinic which means a lot of new territory and a lot of unknowns. It was as if that reading had been chosen just for me, a perfect reminder that God is with us in the midst of this. Such a good feeling!
In other news, I went in today (CD2) for my baseline internal ultrasound... all I have to say about that is it was gross, and if I don't ever have to do it again I will be one happy gal! The ultrasound showed a fairly thick lining and lots of tiny follicles or cysts on my ovaries. Those tiny cysts in addition to some other symptoms won me a prescription for metformin. Judging by what the doctor said, it should be a pretty enjoyable (NOT!) drug to take. I also got my Rx for clomid, a blood draw, and orders for an HSG. I feel like all of a sudden everything is moving at lightening speed! I have my HSG scheduled for next week and I will have another ultrasound the following day to check on my little eggies. After that we may or may not trigger and then we will be doing an IUI. Crazy!
One more thing... I think my RE is pregnant. At first I couldn't come up with a good reason to see a male RE, I think I found one :)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Things are lookin' up.
For the first time in six months I woke up this morning feeling great on cycle day 4. Typically I wake feeling sick to my stomach with a killer headache. Not today, there is no Clomid in my body to make me feel like death walking. I am going to enjoy this healthy feeling while I still can because I am sure once I see a RE I will be back on some sort of fertility drug in no time. Cross your fingers for my husband’s sake that it doesn’t come in the form of an injection. :)
For now, I am just hoping that I ovulate on my own this cycle so it isn’t totally lost. However, I am still ok with the fact that I probably will not. I need a break from both the physical and emotional pain and exhaustion. I am tired. I thought for sure once I reached the point in my cycle where typically I had already had some sort of intervention (drugs) I would be disappointed that I wasn’t doing something. I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about it night and day, but I have a new peace about the situation, and I am not taking it for granted.
Breaks are good.
For now, I am just hoping that I ovulate on my own this cycle so it isn’t totally lost. However, I am still ok with the fact that I probably will not. I need a break from both the physical and emotional pain and exhaustion. I am tired. I thought for sure once I reached the point in my cycle where typically I had already had some sort of intervention (drugs) I would be disappointed that I wasn’t doing something. I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about it night and day, but I have a new peace about the situation, and I am not taking it for granted.
Breaks are good.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Again
Once again I find myself at cycle day one. For some reason it isn’t as hard this time. Maybe it is because I have come to expect disappointment or maybe it’s because I could see it coming, either way its here. My body feels horrible today. I am aching all over, sick to my stomach and have a headache that may or may not leave me completely blind by the end of the day.
I guess it is time, time to call my doctor. Instead of asking for my clomid, it is time to ask for a referral. I am not going to do it today; it can wait until next week.
I need a break.
I guess it is time, time to call my doctor. Instead of asking for my clomid, it is time to ask for a referral. I am not going to do it today; it can wait until next week.
I need a break.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Another one bites the dust.
Until last week I had kept our journey pretty quiet. We had told a couple of people, but for the most part they’ve been people who are pretty removed from our family. Just last week a good friend of mine (and my cousin’s sister-in-law) confided in me that her and her husband had been struggling to get pregnant and were in their first round of clomid. In an effort to lend a comforting ear and a little advice, I shared our story. It felt good to say it out loud and not have to hide how I was feeling. It also made it feel like there was purpose behind the struggle. I felt like if my heartache could help her deal with her own, it was in some tiny way worth it.
If you are or have been in this position, you know what is coming next. Yesterday, five days later, she found out that she is pregnant. Although I am thrilled for her, it still hurts just the same. Another one off to the races while I am still standing in the dust behind a locked gate, figures.
I am trying my best to stay positive. After all, this cycle isn’t even over yet. There is still a chance. A small chance, but a chance just the same. I am feeling pretty confident that the best next move is to just take a month off. I want to enjoy Christmas and not be thinking about the what-if. The reality is that I likely won’t ovulate without meds, but right now I am OK with that. Then, once the holidays are over, I might be ready to see an RE.
If you are or have been in this position, you know what is coming next. Yesterday, five days later, she found out that she is pregnant. Although I am thrilled for her, it still hurts just the same. Another one off to the races while I am still standing in the dust behind a locked gate, figures.
I am trying my best to stay positive. After all, this cycle isn’t even over yet. There is still a chance. A small chance, but a chance just the same. I am feeling pretty confident that the best next move is to just take a month off. I want to enjoy Christmas and not be thinking about the what-if. The reality is that I likely won’t ovulate without meds, but right now I am OK with that. Then, once the holidays are over, I might be ready to see an RE.
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