Monday, October 18, 2010

A Pass...

This morning after seeing my BBT and making the assumption that my beta would be negative I gave myself a 'pass' for the day. A pass to leave the dishes in the sink, to not worry about the laundry, to not think about calories or really anything else for that matter.

I mindlessly drove 45 minutes to have my blood drawn. Made a quick stop for my husband on my way back and then came home. Once I arrived, I quickly found my place on the couch and told myself to just relax until I knew for sure. I watched garbage on tv and messed around online, giving zero thought to the things I should've been doing.

The phone rang, and luckily the nurse just gave it to me straight- "Unfortunately your beta came back negative." She explained my next cycle and that was it. I hung up the phone and didn't let one single tear roll down my face. Why? Because this is not the end for us. I have hope and I trust that somehow, someway there will be tiny feet in this house. Someday.

Don't get me wrong I wish this would have been it, but it wasn't and I'm moving on. I had my husband pick up a pizza on the way home and I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening doing just exactly what I'm doing right now... absolutely NOTHING!

When my husband got home and asked me if I was ok, and told him that I was. Slightly surprised he stepped back, looked at me and said 'are you really ok, or are you just saying that?' I have to admit, I really am fine. I'm not really sad about this cycle not working out. I feel like we gave it everything we had, and it just wasn't enough. Maybe, hopefully next time. If I am upset about anything, it is the fact that I have to endure the drugs again... oh, how I hate fertility drugs! Oh, and the CD2 ultrasound... I could have really gone without doing that again!!!

1 comment:

Bobbi said...

Oh, I'm so sorry!!! I know how you feel. I also had an unsuccessful IUI. You have such an amazing outlook, though. You don't even seem down. You just have this frame of mind of "it is what it is." You can't change anything. You gave it all you could. God is in control, and I know you fully believe that. Just take a little breather, regroup and then move onto the next step when you're ready. Praying for you!