This morning after seeing my BBT and making the assumption that my beta would be negative I gave myself a 'pass' for the day. A pass to leave the dishes in the sink, to not worry about the laundry, to not think about calories or really anything else for that matter.
I mindlessly drove 45 minutes to have my blood drawn. Made a quick stop for my husband on my way back and then came home. Once I arrived, I quickly found my place on the couch and told myself to just relax until I knew for sure. I watched garbage on tv and messed around online, giving zero thought to the things I should've been doing.
The phone rang, and luckily the nurse just gave it to me straight- "Unfortunately your beta came back negative." She explained my next cycle and that was it. I hung up the phone and didn't let one single tear roll down my face. Why? Because this is not the end for us. I have hope and I trust that somehow, someway there will be tiny feet in this house. Someday.
Don't get me wrong I wish this would have been it, but it wasn't and I'm moving on. I had my husband pick up a pizza on the way home and I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening doing just exactly what I'm doing right now... absolutely NOTHING!
When my husband got home and asked me if I was ok, and told him that I was. Slightly surprised he stepped back, looked at me and said 'are you really ok, or are you just saying that?' I have to admit, I really am fine. I'm not really sad about this cycle not working out. I feel like we gave it everything we had, and it just wasn't enough. Maybe, hopefully next time. If I am upset about anything, it is the fact that I have to endure the drugs again... oh, how I hate fertility drugs! Oh, and the CD2 ultrasound... I could have really gone without doing that again!!!