Crossed Wires...

So, the other night Hubs and I were sitting watching the circus that is our living room in the evenings. As usual, we looked at each other, smiled and both said how much we loved our family and our boys. I saw the twinkle in his eye, and I knew what was coming. 'I wonder what it will be like to add another.' He then proceeded to say- are you still planning to move forward in January.

My eyes widened, and I stopped breathing.

I'm not sure how the wires got crossed, but I assured him we would be moving forward in A January... but not this one! He laughed, reminded me I'm almost 31 (in 7 months!) and agreed that NEXT January really is a better plan in terms of the boys. I'm not going to lie- I'd be game to move forward in a few short weeks- I loved being pregnant and I adore the newborn phase, but I am not ready to have my boys be anywhere but the center of my universe. They need my undivided attention for at least one more year-- they are still babies!

I'm not sure how, after several conversations on the topic we still walked away with differing thoughts on the matter, but I'm glad we could both agree ... 13 months from now we will be hoping and praying a fall baby will be joining our family!

Preparing to jump.... again

As I said in my last post, thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface. Its funny, these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me. When I think about another pregnancy, it is in thinking about 'planning' it. So much about infertility (part one) was being a slave to not building expectations, learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others. And now, now we have more pieces in our puzzle. We have seen success, and we know what (at least last time) works for us. We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles. Both of those cycles I did become pregnant, at least briefly, and because of that, I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three.

In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015. So, why am I already thinking so much about all of this? We have fertility insurance. And while I am very thankful that we have it, it does add more hoops to be jumped. Like the fairly common '1 year of timed intercourse' before benefits can be utilized. Though I'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis, it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family. What this all means, is I'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year.

Its crazy. 'Trying' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts, but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan. This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't have any desire to become pregnant naturally- nor do I think it will happen. I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to, and I'd rather not push that out longer and longer.

The three embryos we have are something I think about daily, and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable. We aren't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come. And if we're being completely honest, we aren't sure how this story is going to play out. Will we try with all three (not at once), will one or more of them not survive the thawing process, will we become pregnant with our first FET attempt or will it take multiple tries, will any of those three embryos become our third child? I'm fairly confident in the process and I trust my doctor entirely, so I do believe the boys' sibling is waiting for us. But, the unknowns are somewhat daunting.

I'm somewhat worried about going off birth control. I'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles. I'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing, but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking/preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is.

I don't often hear/see people speaking about their frozen embryos. I think I've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy/birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had, but as it turned out it wasn't something she needed to worry about.

I'd love to hear your take on this, or what your plans are, my fellow IVFers. Either leave me a comment, or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments.

A little of this, and a little of that!

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog. I'm not entirely sure why, but its happening. Its weird though, because although our boys are more mobile now, they are also playing together(ish) more and are seriously cool to go to the playroom for sometimes 30 minutes at a time without needing mama to be right there. It is pretty sweet!

Here is a little update on our life....

• H is walking pretty well, he still drops to his knees if he wants to get somewhere quickly, but right around 13m he really took off.
• A will take a few steps here and there, and can navigate a push toy like a pro, but in general crawling is still his main form of transportation.
• As my babies are exiting the baby stage, I'm starting to think more and more about baby #3. I know, I have twins who are just barely one, but its true. I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks and while we are not even close to biting the 'IVF' bullet. I do have a few things to pick his brain about. We have new insurance and I'm not certain if we'll have to "try" for a year before using our benefits or not, but if we do have to, that means trying will likely commence very soon since we have an idea of when we'd like to do an FET-- how's that for faith in my reproductive system?
• Hubs started a new job about a month ago and LOVES it. It has been so nice for him to enjoy going to work in the mornings and be a happy daddy when he gets home at night.
• The boys are eating more and more of what we eat and it is so fun! Just last night we let them try stuffing for the first time, and it made me so excited for thanksgiving!
• A is getting some molars... its not my favorite, but I can't complain too much, my kids have been pretty easy teethers!
• We give the boys teething tablets from time to time, and H has taken to doing it himself. He looks so grown up taking his pills before bed.
• About a month ago Hubs and a camp-in with the boys in the living room. They slept inside out huge playpen together- seriously the CUTEST thing ever. They are doing it again tonight. I am so incredibly thankful that my babies have such a fun daddy.
• A & H haven't ever really been on a schedule, but all of a sudden a few weeks ago we just kind of fell into one. I have never pushed one on them- aside from feeding them at pretty set times when they were babies. Now, at 13 months, this is what we are doing:
• Wake up: anytime between 530am and 8am
• Breakfast: between 8 and 830am
• Playtime : from 9ish-10am
• Milk & Nap: The boys are still getting part formula in their sippy cup along with some whole milk. We've had a little trouble getting used to the milk, so for now, this is what we're doing. The boys usually nap from 10am-12pm
• Playtime: from 12-130pm
• Lunch: sometime between 1 and 130pm
• Playtime: 2ish-3
• Milk & Nap: they generally sleep from 3 until 5, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more!
• Playtime with Daddy: from 5 until dinner sometime around 7.
• Dinner: is usually between 7 and 730 because we've found they sleep best if they go to bed about an hour after dinner.
• Bedtime: between 8 and 830 we start the bedtime routine including diapers, jammies, meds and milk. They generally go down without too much fuss and most nights sleep through the night. Some nights a quick bath or shower is tossed into the bedtime routine, but we are firm believers in not bathing everyday. Our kiddos have pretty sensitive skin and we've found that every night is just way too drying on their soft baby skin! Good ting, because there just aren't enough hours in the evening for that!
• H has taken to pooping before he falls asleep for either one or both of his naps... every single day. Then he cries or stands in his bed and talks loudly until I come change him. Little stinker- literally.
• The boys went to the nursery for the first time a few weeks ago while we were at MOPs. I thought they would cry when I left... not so much. I thought that would make me sad, but instead I was totally proud.
• We had dinner recently with two other couples. One couple has twins and the other has a singleton. It was so weird to watch the kids. It was very interesting to see how both sets of twins just got right to playing and didn't need much interaction with the adults other than to kind of be close enough to check in from time to time. The singleton was more interested in her parents and what they were doing, wanted to stay close and was more determined to do things her way. After the moms got to talking about it was obvious that it was just one of those differences in raising twins- they just don't really get 100% of the attention, the toys or anything for that matter. While that kind seems sad, I think its also kind of a good thing.
• I'm trying to think of things to get out of the house for this fall/winter. We have MOPs once per month and a play group once a month, but I feel like the other two weeks need some kind of outing for the boys. Anyone have any ideas? I've considered the toddler playtime at a bouncy house place in the area, but its for 3 and under and I'm not sure if my boys are ready for that... thoughts? Otherwise I feel like the more 'organized' things people generally take their kids to are a little hard when you have two the same age. Our MOPs group does one outing every month that is for the kiddos, but the first two are outdoors and not really stroller friendly so they are unfortunately a no go for us.
• I'm fully embracing fall. Hubs ordered me pumpkin coffee and apple cider a couple of weeks ago and they are now my favorite afternoon treat. This week kicks off Soup Sundays at our house, and I can't wait to get a big pot on the stove top!
• Tomorrow we're going to the multiples consignment sale. I also look forward to it because there is so much stuff and on the second day most things are half off-- talk about amazing deals!

That's all for now, and really, it is way more than I thought I had in me! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the change of pace fall brings. While I miss the sunny afternoons in the backyard with my babies, I'll trade it in for the drizzle and cloudy skies if it means the holiday season is right around the corner. I can't wait to see the boys experience everything this year!

$42,620

I know I've spoken pretty freely about the infertility insurance we were blessed with through my husbands employer. Were. Past tense, he ended his position with them last Friday and began a new position with a new company today. One of the biggest worries I had with him changing jobs was how that would impact our family building plans. With our previous policy we were VERY blessed to have 'full' coverage for 6 iui's and 3 ART courses of treatment (3 fresh or frozen IVF cycles). We live in a state that does not have mandatory coverage laws when it comes to infertility, so it was a huge blessing that Hub's company was based in a state (IL) that did have such mandates. It was a pretty big surprise to find out that our new policy would also have a bit of coverage. Though it isn't as impressive as the last package, it is something-- and money that we will not have to come up with when we are ready for an FET. Thank goodness!

In an effort to keep some info from our infertility treatment days without searching through EOBs, I took a little time today on our old insurance company's website to make a list of what we've spent on infertility and also a list of what was billed- since our new policy is a dollar amount instead of a # of cycles.

I kind of wanted to throw up when I saw that number. I talked to my mom last week and kind of off the cuff said without our coverage we probably would have spent about $40k on treatments so far. When I said that it seemed like a big number that was probably inaccurate. Guess who was painfully close to correct?

$42,620 for consults, testing, six IUIs and two fresh IVF cycles.

Oh my gosh. What would we have done if we didn't have that coverage? Found a way I suppose, but I am even more thankful now than I was then. To paint the whole picture, we only paid about 12.5% of that out of pocket-- most of which was co-payments.

Insane. It is heartbreaking to me that there are so many couples who are unable to do all that we've done because they don't have the insurance coverage we had and the money just isn't there to afford trying for the baby/babies they long for.

Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

A Reply...

I received a comment on my 'Insensitive' post that I thought deserved a reply. I didn't have a way to reply to the poster specifically, so in hopes that she is reading- Amy, here is your reply! I hope you don't feel like I'm calling you out in anyway- I think your thoughts were well written and I can understand where you're coming from. I just feel like it is really important for me to put out there the feelings that so many of us face.

Amy writes (in black):
That's the thing though--some people really ARE clueless regarding what to say in those types of situations. It may have been insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she was purposely trying to be that way. (Agreed)


Like an earlier commenter said, I think trying to relate in some way is a natural human reaction. She probably doesn't know what to say but wanted to make you feel like you were not alone.The issue I have with this is, when does comparing situations EVER may anyone feel better? And for the record, I was alone, I was the only one who could go through that miscarriage, no one else was going to do it for me. I had to do it. Me. Alone. 


As for the adoption question, maybe she really was sincerely asking? I think most of the time, people who ask that aren't saying it like "OMG here is the greatest idea you've never thought of!" I think people are generally interested in if that's something you've considered. It might come across as insensitive, but I don't think it's inherently meant to be so. Bottom line, it came too soon after the most heartbreaking loss we'd ever experienced. There is a time and place for everything- days after losing your baby is not the time to be asked about adoption. No one wants to think about another baby when they are still grieving the one they just lost.

Having never dealt with a situation such as yours, I find my typical response to this type of tragic event is "I'm so sorry." Is that wrong? Should I be saying something else? No, you are absolutely right to say you're sorry, and honestly I think that is a good place to leave it. You can tell a person you're there for them, and offer a meal or a shoulder if they are ready, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them about your neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who it all worked out for- it is not the time. And no matter what works for someone else, it isn't going to change their situation. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do for some who is suffering is meet them in the 'suck.' Don't try to dig them out of their pit of despair. Meet them there- be present. 


I can't say that I wouldn't have thought to ask the very same questions she did--I think those types of questions are a natural reaction when you find out someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe she honestly just wanted to know more about your situation and that's why she asked about adoption? Maybe she's secretly struggling herself & wanted to know what your thought process was? Again, timing is everything. Can we agree that if you just heard about someone's kidney cancer you wouldn't likely just say to them- well there's always donor kidneys. Sure you might eventually ask if that is a possibility, but hopefully in that moment you would just meet them in their heartache and not start throwing out 'fixes' right away. 

This is going to sound like a huge generalization, but in my experience, it seems like people who struggle with infertility expect everyone else to immediately know how they should act, speak, and think about the situation. And as someone on the other side of that, that's not the case. Often, I see posts discussing how stupid "fertiles" are and bemoaning people who celebrate their pregnancies in natural, normal ways, and what jerks they are for doing so. The truth is, I DON'T know what to say. I DON'T know how to act. But I strive to be sensitive and understanding. I don't know that the infertile community thinks everyone should just know how to act around someone who is struggling, but I do think as a whole we expect people to at the very least think before they speak. Telling us that you'd gladly give us one of your children- not helpful. Telling us that we're "lucky" we are able to sleep in because we don't have kids- not helpful. Again, but being present as a friend/sister is the most comforting thing you can do. Google is a great resource- don't expect your friends or family who are going though IVF or the like, to explain the entire process to you. Knowledge is power, and it will feel great to the person that you're supporting if you've taken the initiative to find out what they are going though.  


And yet, I still think if you are able to get pregnant, with the help of drugs or not, you deserve to celebrate that whole-heartedly. Absolutely! 


I think sometimes that understanding and sensitivity that's wanted by people struggling with infertility could go both ways.  I have to say, I think it does. Though I often vent about 'fertiles' on my personal blog as I would in a journal- more often than not I just allow the words and actions of others to just roll off my back. I get that there is absolutely NO WAY to understand the heartache if you've never been there. More importantly, people who are dealing with infertility are suffering from a DISEASE and grieving the loss of many things in the process. Theses individuals are likely not concerned about how THEIR infertility is making OTHERS feel.


I've posted this link before- and I'm posting it again because I think it is perfectly written. 

What infertile couples want and need

Whoa!

Oh.my.gosh.

So the other day my husband and I were talking about all of the medications I have taken in the effort to get pregnant. He said he wished I would have written it all down- I looked at him like he was crazy and said 'I have!' So he asked me to put it all in one place so we could keep track, just for kicks. Um, its NUTS!

I of course have a list of ALL the meds I've taken, but for this I just focused on stimulation drugs and hormone supplements.

Without further ado, after 6 unmonitored clomid cycles, 6 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle...

Progesterone (pro.metrium, caps, endo.metrin) -- 18,600mg

Clo.mid -- 5,000mg

Fo.llistim -- 2,850iu

Men.opur -- 825iu

Lu.pron -- 175iu

Es.trace -- 70mg

Hcg (Ovi.drel, Nov.arel) -- 11,500iu

Just just so you know... that breaks down like this-
159 pills swallowed
78 injections- thankfully only 12 of those were in my rear!
111 suppositories inserted

... and that doesn't count 3 years worth of pre-natal vitamins, one year of met.formin 3x per day, antibiotics or steroids- that would add over 2,300 pills swallowed. This from the girl who took baby Tylenol through college because I could not swallow a pill. Oh, the lessons we learn!

Wowsers... that is A LOT! Lets hope there is only ONE more cycle to add to this list!

Hugs!

Over the weekend Tiffany over at PCOS Success! gave me the Virtual Hugger award. Thanks Tiffany! If you haven't made your way over to her blog, you're missing out she is freaking hilarious! I've been following her since before she got pregnant with her sweet, sweet little man, B. There is some TTC comedic gold over there, so get your tushie over there and dig through the archives... she is one funny Mama!

I'm usually pretty lame when it comes to awards and don't pass them along because it feels like I always have something 'more important' to say... yeah, I hear you groaning and rolling your eyes inserting phrases like 'she NEVER has anything important to say!' BUT today for two reasons I'm passing this one along....

1. I really don't have anything important to say. I'm in IF limbo right now, which for the record, I hate. I'll just be here treading water, trying to keep my head above water... feel free to toss me some water wings if you have some handy!

2. I've been feeling the love lately. I've received about a million virtual hugs in the last several weeks, so its time to call those folks out!

I love, love, LOVE getting comments. My top three reasons for loving comments are-

1. It makes this journey feel a tiny bit less lonely. When you don't know anyone in real life dealing with these same obstacles its easy to feel like an outsider.

2. You guys always answer my questions... or tell me I'm not crazy, which is much appreciated!

3. Trough comments I've connected with some great blogs and some great friends!!

So, here's the story.....

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

Alrighty Ladies... here comes the tagging!! I'm not going to come comment on your blogs, because dangit, I know you'll be here reading this!!

1. E at Dreaming of Babies

2. Stephanie at Blawnde's Blawg

3.Michele at Greetings from Nowhere, NM

4. Kelli at Cinderella Wore Glass Slippers

5. LC at Still Dreaming

6. Sarra at A Bittmann Baby Story

7. L at Life with L and J

8. Christina at Praying for a Baby Blessing

9. M at Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

10. Stephanie at The Life of a Husband and a Wife

Quick Question IF'ers....

Hypothetical question:

If you were in the process of looking for a fertility clinic/RE, and while researching came across a video (recent) in which one of the doctors referred to an IVF baby as a test tube baby, would you be turned off by that clinic?

A few things...

I don't have much to say, so I thought I would just give a bullet point update from CD11 of a natural cycle....

• The hubs is going to be out of town for what will possibly be peak ovulation time... if I ovulate on my own this cycle. Oh-well.


• I managed to make it through the baby shower over the weekend. The guest of honor was kind of on my sh*% list before the shower, but that is a another post for another day.


• We sent a second email to our parents. It had been about a month since the first, and we felt like we should update them on the final failed IUI and that we are moving on to IVF soon.


• Two weeks until our IVF consult. This will also be my first appointment with my RE when she is NOT pregnant!


• I found out my sister-in-law is having a shower for baby #2. Although I really am happy for her and my brother, I am NOT really happy to be attending another baby shower which will be out of state AND on Mother's Day weekend. Lord help me.


• My best friend ended up ditching her duties helping get ready for the baby shower on Saturday, and instead she joined me for a wonderful pedicure and a nice long talk over lunch. I REALLY needed that.


• I've been very surprised that my in-law's response to all things IF, and have felt more supported by them than my own parents. I was super worried about it, and it has proven to be great.


• Every time I get in the car a super inspiring song comes on the radio. I am loving it!


• Not taking fertility drugs is amazing :)


• I love being able to go to the gym and do whatever I want without worrying about my growing ovaries!


• I am meeting a fellow IF blogger at the end of the week!


• My insurance company makes me CRAZY!

HA!

You know you've been trying to get pregnant for WAAAAYY too long when you find a coupon for pregnancy tests in your purse that EXPIRED last year! Awesome.

SIGNS...

... literally.

Tonight while I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner I saw two signs that nearly made me pull my car to the side of the road just so I could get a picture to post... it was raining, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

The first was an adopt a road sign. The road was adopted by BFPS. Which was comical because those letters stand for an elementary school that I interviewed with a couple of years ago... I can't imagine if I worked there now and had to constantly look at things labeled BFP!

I had barely recovered from the BFPS sign when I looked up just in time to see another sign, I'm not sure what it was for, but it clearly read PUPO.

I am not typically a 'signs' kind of person, but I am 9dpiui.....

Waiting...

Just waiting for cycle day one for the twenty-second time.

We've been trying for over two and a half years and have had twenty-two failed cycles.

Ten failed Clomid cycles.

1 failed injectable cycle.

5 failed IUI cycles.


We are going to do one last injectable IUI cyle. If that isn't successfull... well, you know what comes next. Right now, I am trying not to think about it!

Waves of Hope...

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV

I have found that hope comes in waves. I am typically hopefully when things are fresh and new. Hopeful at the start of a new cycle. Hopeful when protocols are changed. Hopeful when meeting with a new doctor. Right now, I find myself in a new odd limbo.

I have a new hope in our changed protocol, but I feel like placing my hope in that is writing off our current cycle. The cycle that I am still 11 days from knowing the outcome of. I think part of these feelings come from the fact that in order to do an injectable cycle next time (if there is one) we have to prepare for it now. We've read over the consent forms, looked at all of the potential side effects and today I have a teaching appointment to learn how to prepare and administer injections for a cycle that may or may not happen.

So, in the midst of this limbo I am going to remind myself of the verse posted above. I am putting down roots, and trusting God's perfect plan and timing.

We have a plan...

I am feeling so much better after our discussion appointment this morning . I had convinced myself that IVF was next, and after talking with our doctor we found out that we had more than one option.

Obviously the best success rates are going to be with IVF. Our doctor told us that for our case we would be looking at about a 70% chance of a pregnancy and about a 65% chance of live birth. These are fantastic odds, and they certainly make me feel confident that this IS going to happen eventually. At our clinic IVF is about a three month process from start to finish. First comes a month of testing, a month of BCPs and finally the stim/retrieval/transfer month. So, IVF with ICSI is option one.

Our second option would be to continue on with the same plan we've been using- IUIs in conjunction with clomid. I feel like we've already exhausted this option. Although we've seen a good response, it hasn't worked. Its time to move on.

Our third option was to continue with IUIs, but move on to injectable (follistim) medication in place of clomid. Switching to injectables will increase our chances of pregnancy by 5% each cycle, but also will increase our chances of having a cycle canceled due to over stimulation.

We chose option three. For me, I feel it is necessary to exhaust our options before we move on to IVF. Our RE agreed with our choice and said it would be a good way to transition into an IVF cycle. She suggested doing two or three injectable IUI cycles, but said we can choose to abandon IUI at any time and move over to IVF.

Even though we are in the midst of our current IUI cycle, we will begin preparing for injectables this week. I have a teaching appointment scheduled for this Thursday. Soon, I will know more than I ever wanted to about giving my self injections as part of our quest for a baby.

So, there you have it. In thirteen days we will find out if this discussion was even necessary. If it was, we will be ready to move forward with injectables just a few days later.

Sadly, we also found out today that my doctor is nearing her maternity leave, so she may or may not be around when/if we do IVF. I have really liked her throughout our treatment, but also feel completely and totally confident that I will be equally happy with all of the other doctors in her practice.

Random Thoughts from CD12...

... I had my mid cycle scan today. I had two follies on the right side that will be ready to trigger on Sunday night.

... Tuesday we have our 'what's next' appointment AND our insemination. My blood pressure should be off the charts.

... My hair is falling out and it is driving me crazy!

... I had my follow up thyroid appointment yesterday and the nurse confided in me about her current struggle to get pregnant.

... I rocked some new socks today for my date with the stirrups and Mr. Wand.

... I hate that when the pharmasist asked if I needed instuction on the trigger shot I had to say, "Nope, I've head it before... several times." Lame!

... I know you will all be praying your little hearts out that this is IT!!

Horrible Dreams..

I am having some anxiety surrounding our up coming "discussion" appointment with the RE. I am about 90% sure I know what she is going to say, she's said it all before. I know what is next, and if I am being totally honest with myself, I am terrified.

There are several aspects of the looming IVF cycle(s) that completely and totally freak me out. Each one of them was represented in a dream (nightmare) last night. Each time I woke up I found myself sweating, breathing hard and with tears in my eyes. Each time I woke up I would dread going back to sleep only to find myself in another horrible dream.

In an effort to just face my fears and stop holding in all of the anxiety that surrounds this topic I've decided that I should just make a list, send it off onto the Internet.... and LET IT GO! After all, it will all eventually fall into place, right?

Money- Although we have phenomenal insurance coverage, there are still several costs that go with IVF that will not be covered or will be pre-paid by us and then we will be reimbursed. Even though our out of pocket in the end will be trivial in comparison to what most have to shell out for an IVF cycle, it will still be financially straining which brings with it even more anxiety.

Telling our Family- If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that we haven't shared our struggle with our family. We continue pushing it off and saying we will tell them when the next big step happens... well, I do believe we are nearly there. Last night's dream was the exact opposite of what I hope and pray happens when we decide to finally share this part of our life with them. This is possibly the biggest part of my anxiety and deserves its own post- maybe next week. I need some advice on the subject!

Failing- I am absolutely horrified of the feelings I will experience in the event IVF were to fail. It is kind of 'the end of the road' in terms of fertility treatments, and I really have no idea how I would get over it.

Side Effects- This part doesn't scare me too much. I am fairly sure I can deal with anything for a few weeks knowing that it has the potential to mean great things in the end. But still, I think about it often and my stomach turns at the thought of all the injections.

Then, after dreaming about all of these things I finally fell back to sleep to dream about the "after." No, not a 'happily ever after' sort of after- it was after IVF had failed multiple times, after our families had said every single thing that we never wanted to hear, after we were completely and totally tapped out financially. There I sat in a living room that I didn't recognize as a person I didn't recognize. I had endured just about every fertility treatment and nothing had worked. I was broken in every sense of the word.

So tonight, I hope to ring in the new year and leave those horrible thoughts behind in 2010. I hope and pray that we all float out of 2011 with the desires of our hearts snuggled up in a crib... in the nurseries we've all be dreaming about!

Moving on...

The clinic just called. Another cycle, another negative. We are going to do another clomid cycle and sometime during that cycle we will have a sit down discussion with our doctor to go over the next steps. Of course we already know what the next step is, but it is a policy of the practice to sit down and really go over what IVF entails.
So there you have it 2010 brought us 3 failed IUI attempts, lets hope that 2011 is a little better to us!

Weird Day...

Today has been such a weird day. I'm currently 11 dpo and had to seriously talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test this afternoon. What is wrong with me! My beta is tomorrow, yet for some reason I was dying to test mid-day today. I am fully aware that this early it would really be best to test with FMU, but I still couldn't shake the idea. Don't worry, I talked myself off the ledge and the one and only hpt in my house remains untouched under the sink.

In other news, I have been feeling super nauseated all afternoon to the point where I am almost ready to just throw up and get it over with. Gross, I know. I am doing everything in my power not to read into this dang symptom which I'm sure is due to something else entirely, but that is sort of seeming like a lost cause at this point. Especially after I ate a little piece of chocolate this afternoon and had zero desire to finish it. I am a serious chocoholic folks.

I am hoping that it all means what I hope it means, but I am really trying to not get my hopes up. I really hope I am not getting sick right before Christmas. Sick because I am growing a babe I would be fine with, sick for absolutely no good reason.... not so much!

Tomorrow morning at 9:15 I will leave some blood at the clinic and a few hours later they will call with the fate of this cycle. Cross your fingers, say a prayer or just think pregnant thoughts that this is IT!!

Preparing...

In the last few days I've found myself preparing. Preparing for a whole laundry list of things....

... for Christmas
... for the results of this week's beta
... for spending time with my nephew and newly pregnant sister-in-law
... for the week of vacation the hubs is taking between Christmas and the first of the year
... for moving into yet another year without a baby in our home
... for the possibility of IVF in the coming months
... for the next pregnancy announcement (they seem to be happening nearly weekly)

and as I've been preparing for these things I have thought nearly constantly about what it must have been like for Mary to prepare for a baby boy that wasn't conceived by her own doing. A baby boy who was created within her by the same two hands that I pray will form a child in my own womb someday.

It is easy to focus on all of the hard things about this season when you are in the midst of infertility, but I challenge you to remember the gift that is at the core of Christmas. The birth of a baby boy. A birth that really should remind us that miracles can and do happen. Even in the middle of this struggle, I am reminded by the Christmas story where to place my trust.