Friday, December 31, 2010

Horrible Dreams..

I am having some anxiety surrounding our up coming "discussion" appointment with the RE. I am about 90% sure I know what she is going to say, she's said it all before. I know what is next, and if I am being totally honest with myself, I am terrified.

There are several aspects of the looming IVF cycle(s) that completely and totally freak me out. Each one of them was represented in a dream (nightmare) last night. Each time I woke up I found myself sweating, breathing hard and with tears in my eyes. Each time I woke up I would dread going back to sleep only to find myself in another horrible dream.

In an effort to just face my fears and stop holding in all of the anxiety that surrounds this topic I've decided that I should just make a list, send it off onto the Internet.... and LET IT GO! After all, it will all eventually fall into place, right?

Money- Although we have phenomenal insurance coverage, there are still several costs that go with IVF that will not be covered or will be pre-paid by us and then we will be reimbursed. Even though our out of pocket in the end will be trivial in comparison to what most have to shell out for an IVF cycle, it will still be financially straining which brings with it even more anxiety.

Telling our Family- If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that we haven't shared our struggle with our family. We continue pushing it off and saying we will tell them when the next big step happens... well, I do believe we are nearly there. Last night's dream was the exact opposite of what I hope and pray happens when we decide to finally share this part of our life with them. This is possibly the biggest part of my anxiety and deserves its own post- maybe next week. I need some advice on the subject!

Failing- I am absolutely horrified of the feelings I will experience in the event IVF were to fail. It is kind of 'the end of the road' in terms of fertility treatments, and I really have no idea how I would get over it.

Side Effects- This part doesn't scare me too much. I am fairly sure I can deal with anything for a few weeks knowing that it has the potential to mean great things in the end. But still, I think about it often and my stomach turns at the thought of all the injections.

Then, after dreaming about all of these things I finally fell back to sleep to dream about the "after." No, not a 'happily ever after' sort of after- it was after IVF had failed multiple times, after our families had said every single thing that we never wanted to hear, after we were completely and totally tapped out financially. There I sat in a living room that I didn't recognize as a person I didn't recognize. I had endured just about every fertility treatment and nothing had worked. I was broken in every sense of the word.

So tonight, I hope to ring in the new year and leave those horrible thoughts behind in 2010. I hope and pray that we all float out of 2011 with the desires of our hearts snuggled up in a crib... in the nurseries we've all be dreaming about!


E and R said...

The stress of IF is overwhelming - so many decisions and fears. I have nightmares about various aspects of it regularly - and always wake up and have a hard time falling back to sleep. I am sure your family will be loving and supportive - at least I hope they will be! The financial end of it is terrifying to me (my family knows what we are going through, so this is my biggest worry), and I hope that it all works out and you only have to do one cycle to get your baby. May 2011 bring the baby in the crib in the nursery for us all!

Stephanie said...

Reading this just makes me cry. You and I are both in the same boat - gearing up to look at IVF. I hope and pray everyday that 2011 is OUR year. So many got their wishes granted in 2010, especially at the end, seriously it seemed like 90% of my reader got pregnant in the last 2 weeks!, but 2011 will be our year :) Stay positive!! We can lean on each other. Hugs to you!!!