I am currently in a very weird place. A place I haven't really been before. I just went through a pretty traumatic experience, but I've come out the other side much different than I ever expected I would. And, obviously much different than other people expected too. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of comments both on my blog and in real life that I'm being too hard on myself and rushing through the grieving process. I've heard that we shouldn't rush into anything, and that it will take me a long time to get over this.
Here's what I'd like to say to those people... shut your mouth. I know they are all well meaning, but I'm not one to put on a show. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say I'm ready, it is because I am.
Let me assure you I screamed and cried, I yelled and asked why this had to happen to us. I sat in my backyard for days on end just waiting to feel something to let me know that life was going to continue moving forward. That's how I did this. I met the pain and suffering head on- I lived it 24 hours a day, no distractions. And at a certain point, it is time to start picking up the pieces. For me that came in the weeks following my miscarriage, for others I know it takes longer-- but, I urge you to remember it is different for everyone. Let it go when the time comes, when you're ready. It doesn't matter if that day comes weeks or months later- you'll know.
In my house growing up it was common to hear the phrase 'crying isn't going to change anything.' Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if we were not allowed to cry or that is was discouraged, but it was the reality of the situation. Though letting out some tears may make you feel better, crying isn't going to physically change things. It will not bring your cat back from the dead, it will not change your punishment, it will not make your wedding plans go more smoothly, it won't bring your boyfriend back from his job across the country, and unfortunately it will not make my first IVF cycle turn out any differently.
At a certain point I had to stop being angry about what didn't happen and begin accepting what did. And let me tell you, that made all the difference. It wasn't that I needed to 'get over' what happened, I will probably never be really over it- instead I needed to accept it. I needed to cognitively understand that I was pregnant and then we lost it. And all the while, I needed to focus on the first part. That I WAS pregnant- a huge success, something we had never reached in three years of trying. Obviously I didn't want it to end as it did, but I want to remember those sweet days with a smile instead of a bitter taste in my mouth- that little life deserves that, and so do I.
I spent days feeling guilty for being happy, because it was obvious other people thought I should still be hurting. It made me feel like I was wrong to start moving on. It made me feel like I hadn't been sad enough for long enough. Like I hadn't loved my baby enough. But then, then my rational side set in, and with that I thought to myself those people can go fly a kite (not even close to the REAL thought I had, but lets leave the profanities out of it). It is ridiculous for anyone else to lay expectations on my grief, and it is even more ludicrous for me to feel guilty because of what someone else thinks, especially in this situation. It was time for me to let grief go, and trust the author of my story.
All of this long drawn out post to say two things....
1. Please don't tell someone how its going to be- it is different for everyone. Support your peers, don't judge them. Tell them what helped you and encourage them by telling them you've been there, but you made it. Don't make a difficult time harder by putting stipulations on their feelings. That is far from helpful. Meet them in the midst of the suck and just be there.
2. I'm content with where we are right now, and it feels amazing!