Monday, September 12, 2011

Two Things...

I am currently in a very weird place. A place I haven't really been before. I just went through a pretty traumatic experience, but I've come out the other side much different than I ever expected I would. And, obviously much different than other people expected too. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of comments both on my blog and in real life that I'm being too hard on myself and rushing through the grieving process. I've heard that we shouldn't rush into anything, and that it will take me a long time to get over this.

Here's what I'd like to say to those people... shut your mouth. I know they are all well meaning, but I'm not one to put on a show. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. If I say I'm ready, it is because I am.

Let me assure you I screamed and cried, I yelled and asked why this had to happen to us. I sat in my backyard for days on end just waiting to feel something to let me know that life was going to continue moving forward. That's how I did this. I met the pain and suffering head on- I lived it 24 hours a day, no distractions. And at a certain point, it is time to start picking up the pieces. For me that came in the weeks following my miscarriage, for others I know it takes longer-- but, I urge you to remember it is different for everyone. Let it go when the time comes, when you're ready. It doesn't matter if that day comes weeks or months later- you'll know.

In my house growing up it was common to hear the phrase 'crying isn't going to change anything.' Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as if we were not allowed to cry or that is was discouraged, but it was the reality of the situation. Though letting out some tears may make you feel better, crying isn't going to physically change things. It will not bring your cat back from the dead, it will not change your punishment, it will not make your wedding plans go more smoothly, it won't bring your boyfriend back from his job across the country, and unfortunately it will not make my first IVF cycle turn out any differently.

At a certain point I had to stop being angry about what didn't happen and begin accepting what did. And let me tell you, that made all the difference. It wasn't that I needed to 'get over' what happened, I will probably never be really over it- instead I needed to accept it. I needed to cognitively understand that I was pregnant and then we lost it. And all the while, I needed to focus on the first part. That I WAS pregnant- a huge success, something we had never reached in three years of trying. Obviously I didn't want it to end as it did, but I want to remember those sweet days with a smile instead of a bitter taste in my mouth- that little life deserves that, and so do I.

I spent days feeling guilty for being happy, because it was obvious other people thought I should still be hurting. It made me feel like I was wrong to start moving on. It made me feel like I hadn't been sad enough for long enough. Like I hadn't loved my baby enough. But then, then my rational side set in, and with that I thought to myself those people can go fly a kite (not even close to the REAL thought I had, but lets leave the profanities out of it). It is ridiculous for anyone else to lay expectations on my grief, and it is even more ludicrous for me to feel guilty because of what someone else thinks, especially in this situation. It was time for me to let grief go, and trust the author of my story.

All of this long drawn out post to say two things....
1. Please don't tell someone how its going to be- it is different for everyone. Support your peers, don't judge them. Tell them what helped you and encourage them by telling them you've been there, but you made it. Don't make a difficult time harder by putting stipulations on their feelings. That is far from helpful. Meet them in the midst of the suck and just be there.

2. I'm content with where we are right now, and it feels amazing!

13 comments:

TurtleMama said...

I agree with your sentiments. Don't let anyboday tell you when you are ready to try again. I remember very clearly after my m/c my doctor said we should wait 3 months before we try again. The first time I ovulated after the m/c I had the best CM I ever have had in my 30's and I did not try to conceive. I really felt like I missed a window there. The hell with 'em - it's your body and your body is resilent and capable of anything you put your mind to!

Jessica said...

As I was reading this I kept thinking “exactly!”However you are dealing with your situation isn’t for anyone to understand. Only you will know when you are ready.

I love the “go fly a kite” I might have to use that one. :) haha

E and R said...

I was ready to try again right away after our miscarriage too, the pain of the loss will never leave me, but, I still wanted a baby, and as you said, crying wasn't going to change anything (though of course there were plenty of tears).
I am a firm believer that only you know what you are or aren't ready for - and if you feel that you are ready, then you should go for it (if you weren't ready yet, I would say that it is OK and to wait until you were.)
I am excited for your upcoming IVF and praying that you have a much better outcome!!

amy said...

Btw, that "Anon" poster a few posts back was me...didn't realize it would go Anon b/c I did it from my phone.

Anywho, glad you are content with where you are at...THAT is what's most important. Oh my, how everyone is so incredibly different, we are not robots. You are a very strong girl :)

Joys Truly said...

I love this whole entire post and glad you are content with things right now. :)

Michele said...

Everyone is so different. How dare someone discuss with you how long you should or shouldn't grieve for something or how soon you should or shouldn't procede. Good for you for standing on your own two feet and making decisions for yourself.

hopeful said...

I'm sorry for your loss and that people made you feel like you weren't grieving correctly. I would have had a few profanities myself! I agree completely with all you said. And I'm so glad God has brought you to this wonderful place of contentment. That is truly where we all want to be! Praying for you.

Diana said...

i love this post! im sorry ur heart aches at times but i truly admire your strength. big hugs to you lady. dont lose hope =)

xoxo!

Mrs. Mocha said...

Good for you!!! Some people are "wallowers", some are not. God bless!!!

House of Duffy said...

I still remember what you said to me, if you feel like crying, cry! If you feel like laughing, laugh! Do what feels right to you because that's all you can do right now. Always here for you, my friend!

LC said...

I'm happy for you - that you got this off your chest!

L said...

Good for you! You know yourself better than anyone else does and you know what is right for you.

K said...

Like so many other posters have said no-one can determine how someone else feels or reacts, every single person grieves in a different way and heals differently.

I can't believe people would criticize you for healing :( I was in the opposite boat, people expected me to forget/move on after the first 2 weeks which hurt me even more.

I wasted too much time being angry, and although I still have quiet moments and hard days, I am happy now.

hugs