Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)