Friday, September 2, 2011

Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)


Stephanie said...

Your strength is very admirable! Your words really spoke to me and I even read a few sentences to my husband. Even though we dealt with IF, I think I take for granted that we got one positive pregnancy and it stuck; that we didn't have to deal with the heartache of a loss and the "firsts" be connected to a loss. You are one strong lady! :)

E and R said...

It is hard after experiencing a loss to be able to have that same optimism and excitement. I was excited this time around - but cautiously so. It is hard to not worry or think of what happened last time - but, it is important to celebrate the next baby as you did this one - he/she/they deserve it, and so do you!

Anonymous said...

I miss the feeling of my first pregnancy too. It was such pure utter bliss.
My subsequent two, which also ended in losses, were fraught with fear and anxiety. I've spent the last few months working hard on myself so that next time, no matter the outcome, I'll enjoy it as much as I can. I think it's awesome that you're already there.