Saturday, August 13, 2011

One Week...

Last night I had a moment. It was the first of its kind, though I'm sure several more will follow. I had to turn down something I wanted to do because in the pit of my stomach I knew I wasn't ready. I hate that feeling. I hate that I can't do the things I want because I am afraid of how I might react.

We were invited to go out to dinner with one of Hubs' co-workers and his family. We are all good friends, and they know about our situation (miscarriage and all) buuuuut, they have two kids under 4. I am actually pretty close with the wife, but she is also one to complain about their kids while always following it up with- 'but I wouldn't trade it for the world.' Kind of like it's free pass to complain because she ends it with a qualifier.

When Hubs first called and asked if I was up for it I said yes, then the panic set in and I had to back out saying I didn't know if I was ready. At first I felt bad because I knew he wanted to go, but then I took a step back and realized a few things....

Everything is not going to be back to normal with the snap of my fingers. Even though I'd really like it to be.

It has ONLY been ONE week since we found out for sure what was happening, though it feels like a lifetime.

Yesterday also presented a little turn of events that was momentarily traumatic. (more on that at the bottom)

And most importantly, it is okay to be completely and totally selfish right now. I've/We've been through a lot, and if I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

***FYI TOTAL TMI- miscarriage related***

I had read a great deal about passing some grey tissue during a miscarriage. I hadn't really seen anything like that, but kind of assumed that because ours happened so early maybe there wouldn't be enough tissue formed to see it. Well, yesterday after I posted about the bleeding being nearly over I went to the bathroom and passed two fairly large clots of grey-ish/red-ish matter. It was one of those moments I will probably never forget- traumatic and calming at the same time. Horrifying to actually see that, but peaceful to know that it was over. No more waiting and watching, no more wondering if it was complete or if I'd have to have some kind of procedure. At this point I'm feeling pretty confident that it is really and truly over.


E and R said...

You are so right, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready - and most importantly - that is OK, more than OK even. It is an unfortunate side-effect from going through a m/c, and it sucks that it takes pleasure out of some things - but it is, for the most part, something that will pass and you will get back to enjoying those events (though they will likely sting at times). You definitely can't snap your fingers and make it all go away (though wouldn't it be nice?) so, just take it a day at a time and do what feels right - only you know what you can or can't handle at any given time and you just have to go with it.
I so hope you don't have to go through any procedures and that the passing of the tissue is the end of it!

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry sweetie, that had to be such a hard thing to see. Maybe take it as closure and hopefully that will allow you to move on when you feel the time is right.

House of Duffy said... is perfectly ok to say no to stuff like that. I don't think I did anything with anyone for a good 8 months, so your first response being 'yes' is amazing. You're incredibly strong! You just have to give yourself a little time and cut yourself some slack. It's ok! :)

L said...

I think it's absolutely fine for you to say no to invites and events when you just don't feel up to it. You know yourself and you'll know when you're ready to be around people again, especially people with kids. Take your time, you've been through something really difficult.