Pregnancy purgatory, beta hell... whatever you want to call it, it's horrible. The pregnancy symptoms remain, which are horrible reminders that today I'm pregnant, but tomorrow I might might not be. I might lose this baby, and it is painfully hard to come to terms with that.
I was ok yesterday until hubs came home from work. I'd only cried a few tears, but once he was here I lost it. I spent a good hour sobbing- Wondering how we could have the best week of our lives, followed by potentially one of the worst. Thinking about how just this once we spent one week not jaded by infertility, we lived as if this was a normal healthy pregnancy. If this doesn't work, we will never get to feel this way again- we'll be back to guarding our hearts.
Finally the tears stopped long enough to eat some dinner and watch some shows from our dvr, but almost instantly after crawling into bed it all started again. This time the tears were from many places, but mostly fear that if this pregnancy doesn't last, and we lose that baby that we are already completely in love with, I am going to have to watch as this baby leaves my body. And THAT is not something I'm prepared for.
I'm sure I'll be completely useless today. As much as I'd like it to be Wednesday at 9 am so I can get an answer, it scares me to death. There are a few (very few) success stories out there where these kinds of things happen and go on to produce a healthy pregnancy, but the overwhelming majority end in heartbreak and I'm trying to at least semi-prepare for that.
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. I'll update tomorrow after we know more. Until then, I think I'll just sleep.
I was ok yesterday until hubs came home from work. I'd only cried a few tears, but once he was here I lost it. I spent a good hour sobbing- Wondering how we could have the best week of our lives, followed by potentially one of the worst. Thinking about how just this once we spent one week not jaded by infertility, we lived as if this was a normal healthy pregnancy. If this doesn't work, we will never get to feel this way again- we'll be back to guarding our hearts.
Finally the tears stopped long enough to eat some dinner and watch some shows from our dvr, but almost instantly after crawling into bed it all started again. This time the tears were from many places, but mostly fear that if this pregnancy doesn't last, and we lose that baby that we are already completely in love with, I am going to have to watch as this baby leaves my body. And THAT is not something I'm prepared for.
I'm sure I'll be completely useless today. As much as I'd like it to be Wednesday at 9 am so I can get an answer, it scares me to death. There are a few (very few) success stories out there where these kinds of things happen and go on to produce a healthy pregnancy, but the overwhelming majority end in heartbreak and I'm trying to at least semi-prepare for that.
Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. I'll update tomorrow after we know more. Until then, I think I'll just sleep.
6 comments:
I went to bed with you on my mind and in my prayers!!
Praying, praying, and praying some more here. Hanging on to hope. Thinking of you!
Thinking of you, friend! and sending many, many prayers your way!!!!!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. There just are no other words.
I know there is nothing I can say or do that will make things better, but just know that I'm thinking of you today. I am hoping beyond hope that tomorrow brings good news for you and your husband. Sending you lots of love and hugs right now.
Thinking of you today. Hoping there is good news tomorrow. Hang in there.
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