Monday, August 8, 2011

Because 5 is better than 4.....

Beta five. At this point we are just watching the level until it reaches zero, but these every other day blood draws are starting to make me look like some kind of addict.

Today's blood draw was accompanied by a quick appointment with my doctor for an ultrasound. She said she wasn't totally certain that the ultrasound was necessary, but it would give me a good indication of what to expect and we'd be able to make sure my ovaries were shrinking back down to a normal size. Everything looked fine and she was able to tell me to expect a decent amount of bleeding given the thickness of my lining.

As I was sitting there waiting for her to come in, I noticed that the ultrasound machine was set to "early OB" ... low blow. I know that is technically what this ultrasound was, but it still stung to see it on the screen when I knew we would not be seeing a baby on that screen. My doctor also warned me before we even started the ultrasound that she had no intention of seeing anything. She admitted that her main reason for keeping my ultrasound appointment was to being to check in with me on how everything is going- make sure I wasn't having any abnormal symptoms, pain or depression.

She was very candid with me and told me that she was pretty disappointed that it didn't work out the way we'd all hoped. She did however remind me that we've learned a lot from this cycle and it is steps in the right direction. We talked briefly about the options that are ahead of us, but both agreed that no decisions need to be made just yet. After my beta is down to zero and the bleeding has stopped we'll figure out a time to sit down with her and talk about what is next. I am hopeful that since this was such an early loss that we won't need to wait too long before we try again.

My nursed called and left a message after my appointment with my beta level, 8.9. I am thankful it is dropping quickly. I know it would be hard for me to go in over and over to have it drawn. As it is, today was number five and next Monday I'll be back for number six.

When I got home from my appointment today I noticed that I had some bleeding. I wondered at first if it could have been from the vaginal ultrasound, but I've since decided that this is it. It is bittersweet in that I hate this is the end of a very short lived pregnancy, but at the same time I feel like it is impossible to begin picking up the pieces of the last couple of weeks until this is officially over.

I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow with an update and the story of the poor receptionist that put her foot in her mouth (perhaps all the way down her throat!).... it is a good thing she is my favorite!!!


M said...

:hug: so sorry this is how it is ending. And I'm even more sorry you had to have an ultrasound knowing you wouldn't see a baby. I believe a loss is a loss, no matter how far along you are, so take the time you need to grieve. And because I like to make jokes when I'm sad...I'll race you to 0! :) I agree though, it's hard to pick up the pieces during limbo time.

Christina said...

As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that the rest goes by quickly for you, and pray for peace for you and your husband as you process everything that's happened in the last week or two. I know this must be absolutely excruciating for you, but each day you get through is one more day that you can put behind you and move forward towards your goal of bringing home your baby.

Michele said...

I'm glad the beta numbers are dropping so quickly and not dragging this out forever for you. I think it will help in the long run too as you begin to deal with the emotions that go along with all of this.

Still thinking of you.

Jess said...

Thinking of you. Hugs,