Thursday, August 4, 2011

Potpourri of Emotions...

The range of emotions I'm feeling right now is vast. I'm trying to address each as it comes up, but it seems like just as I've figured out what I'm feeling, another emotion is coming to the surface.

I think the first was just plain sadness, an overwhelming sadness that I've never felt before.

Then came the anger. Why is this happening to me? How could we go through SO much and end up here, losing our baby?

Next came fear- if this pregnancy isn't viable, it is somehow going to have to leave my body... how can I bare to watch that happen? Am I physically, emotionally, mentally strong enough to do this?

Then came the emptiness where just a week ago was overflowing, the joy that once was here for one perfectly amazing week, is now replaced with the feeling of nothing, emptiness.

Followed by a feeling I'm not sure how to name- maybe robbed it fitting. I'm so mad that now after all we've gone through, seeing two lines will never again bring the same simple joy that it did a week and a half ago. Even a positive beta won't leave me jumping (carefully) for joy. I will forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad news to come. For someone to tell me my baby is going to die.

I've always said that infertility leaves a person jaded... this experience brings that to a whole new level.

If I'm being completely and totally honest, in the past I've felt like women who are either having a miscarriage or have had one were a little dramatic. I guess I was always coming from that idea of, it wasn't meant to be, or it wouldn't have been a healthy baby. I'm here to tell you, I was wrong and I'm sorry, so sorry I ever thought that. This is not something you can't even imagine unless you've gone though it. It is about a million times more painful than I could have ever thought.

Women (or at least I'm guessing most women and surely the vast majority of infertile women) fall in love with their growing baby from the moment they know its inside of them. Healthy, or unhealthy it doesn't really matter- that baby is growing inside of them and will someday, hopefully, be birthed from their body and become all the things they've dreamed about. The tiny pitter-patter of feet running down the hall, shrieks and giggles coming from the backyard, bedtime hugs and kisses or most simply the person that will make them a mommy.

Miscarriage is like having all of that ripped from your hands... from your tight grip... while you scream and cry... and wish for nothing more than for someone to give it all back.

But they don't.

And they won't.

At least not this time.


E and R said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry you have to experience this. All of those feelings really sum up accurately how it feels to have a miscarriage. I know that I will always remember the first time I found out I was pregnant and how blissfully happy I was - and then I remember how I was this time, I was excited, but oh so scared at the same time, like you said, just waiting for the other shoe to drop - and I still am to a point, I feel robbed that I don't get to just be excited and that the excitement I do feel is tainted with fear.
I hate that you will not have the same joy with your next positive test that you did this time and that you will have this experience hanging over you. You are right, it is impossible to know how it feels unless you have gone through it. It is heartbreaking and it is something I would not wish on my worst enemy, and certainly not on someone I consider a friend. I have cried for you so much the last few days.
From the bottom of my heart please know how very, very sorry I am that you are going through this. But also know that you will get through it and that the pain you feel will get better with time. One day (hopefully soon) you will be holding your healthy baby in your arms and you will be overflowing with joy.
As I have already told you, I am here if you need anything: a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or even someone to just scream with - whatever you need. You and your hubby are in my prayers.

Michele said...

You're right, those who haven't gone through it can't understand. I haven't so I don't understand what you're feeling, but I'm sympathetic nonetheless. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

L said...

I'm just so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It just isn't fair that after everything you've already been through you have to face this too. I think what you wrote here really helps to put words to what so many women have felt before. I'm still praying you get some better news tomorrow.

LC said...

I completely understand honey and a year after my miscarriage, I still experience those same range of emotions/thoughts. It does get better with time, although that hole in your heart will always be there. I know getting through this sounds unimaginable..but you will. Cry and cry some more. Let it all out for as long as you need. Hold on tight to your loved ones. I'm here for you if you wanna talk, chat, vent, cry, you name it. Sending you a huge hug right now.

♥ C said...

I know how your feeling.. It has not even been a month for me yet and although I feel it has made me stronger I felt like my heart was ripped out in a flash. Hearing people say "it will get easier" felt impossible to begin with but as hard as it is and feels it will. Make sure you have lots of support around you, thats the biggest thing that helped me. Dont forget to cry if you need to.. dont hold it in. It is certainly heart breaking and totally sucks.. going from such excitment to such disappointment all in a few weeks. Im so sorry and sending you major hugs!! xxx

K said...

you are right - the feelings are over-whelming. What most people don't seem to understand is that it's also a loss of wishes, dreams, hope and sometimes faith. Your whole world perspective changes and nothing seems balanced anymore. It is a heart-breaking soul-crushing loss.

Time does indeed heal all wounds, but the loss is still there, I still have dark days, and days where my memories upset me. But i have more good days than bad now, and I try to look forward more than back now.

Cherish the good moments, and try to do something special and tangible, we planted a white magnolia tree on our EDD and seeing it brings me some sense of peace.

Reach out to as many of your friends and family for support - I read a few books which helped confirm that I wasn't crazy for the way i was feeling which helped a lot.