Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Shattered...

Just when you think things are looking up it is like infertility comes up behind you with a baseball bat and breaks you into a million little pieces. That is pretty much the story of last night.

I was feeling pretty good about things. It had been kind of a rough day, but I felt like I was pulling it together. I felt like the start of the physical portion of this process was going to make things feel better- a little less drug out. I was wrong. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't imagine it would be THAT hard.

I lost it last night when I crawled into bed. I was in a decent amount of pain from the cramping and seeing the reality that this is ending was slightly more than I could handle. So, there I sat on the edge of the bed sobbing. I lost it, like completely and totally lost it. As in sobbing, not breathing wondering why on earth this is happening to us- lost it.

It sucked. It was hard, but on the upside, I feel a lot better this morning. Like I've released part of what had been pent up inside. I hate that the tears always come when I'm getting into bed at night, because it means less sleep for both me and my husband, but I can't help it. It is when everything slows down and there is nothing else to think about. I'll get there. I know I will. I need to remember that this is a big, hairy ball of suck, and it is completely and totally ok to be mad/sad/angry/hurt/emotional.

At the same time, I do not want to find myself stuck in this. I want and need to move on at some point- I don't want to live in fear that this same horrible mess is going to happen again. It might, but I'm strong... we're strong, and we can face it.

6 comments:

House of Duffy said...

The nights were always the hardest for me also. I'm so sorry friend! Hang in there. It's hard right now, but it does get easier. Day by day, you'll make your way.

M said...

I'm so sorry you had such an emotionally rough night, but am glad you feel better after getting it all out. I cried myself to sleep every night for 2 weeks, and still do sometimes. No shame in that, if it makes you feel better, go for it.

E and R said...

You will have good moments and bad - just allow yourself to grieve however you need to. It will get better and you are STRONG!
Thinking of you.

K said...

*** HUGS ***

Stephanie said...

Don't beat yourself up. You have been through a lot, especially in the past few weeks, and need to take time to process everything. I hope the cry helped release some of the emotions you had been holding inside. Sometimes a good cry is the only thing that will help in the moment.

♥ C said...

Im sorry to hear you had a really horrible night but am glad you are feeling better this morning. You do have on and off days - I do, I had a big melt down not so long ago after leaving a friends place and although it was really upsetting and you cant breath or talk because you are crying so much it does help release some of the emotions and you will be stronger - I know I have become stronger and beleive you will as well. Think positive and cry when you want. Thinking of you xx