I was feeling pretty good about things. It had been kind of a rough day, but I felt like I was pulling it together. I felt like the start of the physical portion of this process was going to make things feel better- a little less drug out. I was wrong. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't imagine it would be THAT hard.
I lost it last night when I crawled into bed. I was in a decent amount of pain from the cramping and seeing the reality that this is ending was slightly more than I could handle. So, there I sat on the edge of the bed sobbing. I lost it, like completely and totally lost it. As in sobbing, not breathing wondering why on earth this is happening to us- lost it.
It sucked. It was hard, but on the upside, I feel a lot better this morning. Like I've released part of what had been pent up inside. I hate that the tears always come when I'm getting into bed at night, because it means less sleep for both me and my husband, but I can't help it. It is when everything slows down and there is nothing else to think about. I'll get there. I know I will. I need to remember that this is a big, hairy ball of suck, and it is completely and totally ok to be mad/sad/angry/hurt/emotional.
At the same time, I do not want to find myself stuck in this. I want and need to move on at some point- I don't want to live in fear that this same horrible mess is going to happen again. It might, but I'm strong... we're strong, and we can face it.