Fuel for the fire....

Sometimes I have really good ideas....

Eating buffalo wing flavored pretzels about 1.5 hours before you'd like to lay down and go to sleep at 5.5 weeks pregnant does not happen to be one of them.

Heartburn has been kind of a typical visitor at bedtime for the last several nights, thankfully I finally wised up and bought some Tums for my nightstand. I'm crossing my fingers!


Also, random question... What app do you use to blog from your iPhone- the one I use tends to make me grumpy!

And the crazy dreams continue....

For the last several days I've been complaining that my mouth tastes like I've been sucking on dirty pennies. It is so incredibly gross. I feel like I'm constantly brushing my teeth.

Last night I had a dream in which I needed to take some pills and therefore needed to eat something. My husband suggested something with some fiber- dollar bills. He fed me three, similar to how you'd feed them into a vending machine. Gross. Upon waking up my mouth tasted like I'd been sucking on a bag of old dirty coins all night... Ick!

Other over the top dreams I've had recently have included my brother dressed as Santa trying to 'put me to sleep for a little while' with a syringe in his hand, being caught audibly growling in my sleep and  there was also one about riding a turtle as a form of transportation. Just keeping things interesting I guess.

In other news, we had to remove our Christmas tree from the house today. I don't know if it was just now starting to smell like a fir tree or if my supernatural sense of smell is just arriving, but I couldn't take the smell. It is usually one that I love, not today- it had to come down!

One week from tomorrow!!

5w1d

Yesterday I reached the five week mark. It is a weird to think that it will have been a little more than two weeks since any kind of testing when we go in for our ultrasound at 6w3d. I'm looking forward to it, but it is all a little scary at the same time. After having a miscarriage in August I feel like there is just this 'what if?' hanging over our heads. I'm trying really really hard to ignore it, but it is there. All the time. 

I had my check up with my PCP yesterday to go over my thyroid levels from Thursday. He agreed that while it would be good to have it lower, we caught it super early and it really wasn't super high. He drew blood again yesterday and it was only 2.47 instead of the 3.75 it was on Thursday (different labs). I have a feeling it has to do with my dose of estrace being cut in half beginning last Wednesday. I had been taking the morning dose three hours after my thyroid medication (as recommended) but I just have a feeling that made it spike up. My doctor did increase my dose yesterday from 75mcg to 100mcg,  and even with my level coming back at 2.47 yesterday I think my body will do fine with the increase. One less thing to worry about. We'll recheck in 4 weeks. 

Not much more to report. I have a few symptoms here and there but nothing horrible. I'm pretty sure the highlight of my week was picking up my endometrin refill this morning and not having to pay a cent for it! $45 copay + $ 50 coupon = ZERO out of pocket!!

Always Something...

When I had my second beta drawn on Thursday my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was elevated. Not off the charts elevated, in fact it was still within therapeutic range, so not horrible, but concerning just the same. Since the prescribing physician is not my RE, they are requesting that my PCP (the prescribing physician) monitor and manage my thyroid care. Thankfully I was able to make an appointment for Tuesday to check in with my doctor and see where I need to go from here. I'll be five weeks tomorrow and hope the changes in medication will take effect quickly. When I started thyroid medication last year within 4 weeks my level had nearly cut in half and within 8 weeks it was less than 1/4 of what it was when I started, so I'm feeling pretty confident that we caught the rise early and it will quickly be remedied.

When I consulted Dr. Google on the matter I read all kinds of scary things, but I also read that high levels of HCG (hello 889 @ 11dp5dt) and increases in estrogen (2036 @ 9dp5dt) can elevate TSH. My RE reduced my estrace dose down to 2mg /day from 4mg/day starting last Wednesday, so that too could help improve the levels. We'll see.

The moral of this story? Even if you don't have thyroid issues pre-pregnancy it is a good idea to have your levels checked early in pregnancy. It isn't something my clinic tests right away, so I had to ask to have it done and I'm SO glad I did!

I'll be sure and update tomorrow after the appointment!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

We're celebrating the holiday with some super fun news to share with our immediate families. I'll be sure to share all about it once the weekend is over. 

I hope that you all are enjoying the weekend and have managed to find at least a little holiday cheer this season!!

Catching up on socks...

Socks from beta day #1- 12.20.2011 

Thanks Jessica!!

Socks from beta day #2 12.22.2011 

Thanks E!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Good news. Thank God!

When I went in to get my blood drawn this morning it was kind of an out of body experience. The receptionist gave me a knowing smile, the girl who drew my blood congratulated me on a great first beta, I ran into my nurse while I was waiting to check out and she was SO excited for us. In addition to being happy for us, she also could see the fear on my face and promised to call just as soon as she got the results.

My blood was drawn at 9:45 and she called (after what seemed like an eternity) at 12:27 to say that my level was.....

889.3!! We were looking for right around 800, so we will happily take an over achieving embryo or two :)

Yahoo! I'm so happy I can hardly stand it. We've made it over a hurdle that we didn't clear last time. Now it is time to take it one day at a time... Today I am THRILLED!

Also, in case you were wondering.....

Beta #2

I'm terrified.

I don't have any good reason to think things aren't progressing just fine, but the pregnancy from our last IVF cycle ruined me. I am so scared to get a call today that either starts with 'unfortunately' or ends with the words I heard last time... 'we'll just have to wait and see.' Today I'm looking for words like congratulations, pregnant, doubled, 800.

The worst part is, I feel like such a jerk for even posting that I'm scared. I mean Tuesday brought some pretty great looking numbers, numbers that some would argue sound an awful lot like twins. But, I try to be honest. And if I'm being honest, I'm terrified. Like really, really terrified.

Hopefully I'll be back this afternoon with some great news, until then say a prayer- cross your fingers- send good vibes... whatever it is you do, please do it!

Signs and Symptoms...

...that I am indeed pregnant. I am still daily looking at sicks that were dipped in urine (days ago, YUCK!) just to see those two lines that mean everything. Even if I'm still in disbelief that this is for real, there are a few things that serve as gentle daily reminders....

• Hello, maps for skin! I've always had visible veins, but it's reached a new level. The inside of my arms are kinda grossing me out!
• Oh-my-nipples! Seriously, ouch. The ladies MUST be roped in at all times!
• A feeling of bloat. Constantly. Some days it is uncomfortable to the point of doing the rubber band trick with my jeans. FYI, I may never button my pants again- who knew a rubber band could change EVERYTHING?!? Having my pants feel tight is weird given the fact that I've actually lost weight since we started this IVF cycle.
• I'm hungry. Maybe not weird for the general population, but when you've spent the last year on a metformin induced hunger strike, being hungry is very strange.
• A blazing feeling in my esophagus. After eating the most bland things (like a banana) I feel like there is a bit of a fire brewing in my chest.
• Toast- still on the NO list. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner late last week not really thinking about the whole toast thing. I couldn't eat it. My husband thinks it is hilarious. He is constantly saying things like 'yeah, I get it. I mean, toast is super spicy and flavorful. It totally makes sense that the thought of it makes you want to vomit.' Blah, blah, blah... weirder things are bound to happen!
• Waterworks! This one is twofold. I'm a pee'ing machine- I used to be able to hold it for hours. Now if I don't wake up in the night to go, it is a delicate dance to the bathroom in the morning when my alarm goes off. Seriously, once I'm upright it becomes a VERY pressing issue. Also, I may not full on cry, but the eyes get glassy over the most ridiculous things. Like pretty much every episode of Glee. It is like being on lu.pron all over again.

And you know what? I love every single one of the crazy things happening with my body. This morning when I seriously nearly pee'd myself when I got out of bed I was so happy, because I know it is for the absolute best reason EVER!

Soooo, there may be an explanation for the crazy symptoms so early and the insanely early positive HPT (4dp5dt). My nurse just called with my beta... 398 at 9dp5dt. That is nearly 4 times higher than the positive we got with our first IVF cycle. E2 was 2,036 (starting just one estrace tomorrow) and progesterone was nice and high at 83 compared to last time's 14.4 at this point. 

Telling Hubs...

Hubs and I rarely do Christmas gifts. We both usually buy things that we want, when we want it so at Christmastime we usually focus on others, celebrate the holiday in other ways and exchange an annual ornament. A couple of weeks ago I found a pair of shoes that I liked, nothing extravagant, just a pair of TOMS. Since I can't make a decision to save my life, I didn't buy them the day we saw them. Instead I thought about it for a couple of weeks. On Friday I told hubs and I was going to buy them for myself as an early Christmas gift (because I love to justify a purchase) and he agreed as long and I wrapped them for myself too, Ha.
I already knew I was pregnant (and he didn't yet) so I thought this might be the way I would tell him. I figured I would tell him that if I was opening my "gift" early, then he should also. I had bought him a shirt, so I wrapped it up and made him an ornament. I opened my gift first- oooohhhh'd and ahhhh'd over the shoes I'd just bought for myself. Then he opened his. I love that moment. Even if he was VERY cautiously optimistic in that moment, I loved watching him get more excited with each passing minute.

Only a couple more days until beta day. I desperately just want it to be a higher number than last time (106), not that it means ANYTHING in terms of this baby/ies sticking around, but I need it to be different. In the meantime I keep praying for the babe/s snuggling in and continue testing just to watch the line get darker and calm my little infertile heart. 

Confessions of an addict...

It has never been a secret that I thought this cycle would work. And with knowing the thrill of being pregnant (even if I only knew it  for a very short amount of time) I wanted to know as soon as I possibly could. My doctor and nurse would both likely shoot me if they knew I was testing at all before my beta, and if they knew how early it began I'm sure I would get a pretty hefty lecture. However, its my choice... and I made it... at 4dp5dt. There I said it. I took a test mid-day just four days after the transfer of two perfect little blasts.

Oh, were you wondering what the result was? Yeah, it was positive. Two pink lines. No squinting needed- positive. I began wondering if it was a little leftover HCG trigger in my system (10.5dp trigger), so I remained cautiously optimistic (read: nearly wet my pants with joy) and decided I'd retest around the same time the following day to see if the line lightened or darkened. 

It was darker. I'm pregnant.

In all honesty, when I tested at 4dp5dt I was testing in hopes of seeing a negative. I wanted to know the trigger was gone, and that anything I saw from there on out was actually a pregnancy, not the dang trigger. So, when the faint line appeared I wasn't exactly sure what to think. I didn't even tell Hubs that I tested. I waited until after yesterday's much darker test to break the news that we are once again expecting. 

After everything that happened last time I was terrified that I'd be too scared to get excited this time. I felt so jaded after our miscarriage. I didn't think I'd ever feel that same joy that I felt in July. 

I was wrong. I've never been so happy to be wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong. I do still have thoughts like 'well, it was like this at this point last time, too- and we know how that ended up' but, as quickly as I think it, I also toss those thoughts aside. This pregnancy deserves to be celebrated for as long as it lasts- hopefully about 36 more weeks!

For the moment, I am thrilled. I know that the days that pass between beta one and beta two will be hard because it was then that it fell apart last time, but for now, we are celebrating :)

4dp5dt

I'm kicking myself for not writing down more of my symptoms from our last IVF cycle. Why, you ask? Because, I'm becoming more neurotic by the day.

Seriously, there is no fooling myself this time that I'll be able to wait until beta day (Tuesday) to know my fate.. At this point I'll be lucky if I make it to the weekend without peeing on something that has the ability to make some lines.

As for symptoms? They can pretty much all be explained by hormonal changes thanks to all of the supplementation I'm on. Buuuut, in case you're wondering, or God forbid, I have to do this ever again......

• Effing crazy dreams
• Uterine cramping
• A seriously oily face
• Random dizzy spell in line at  the grocery store
• Weight loss - with ZERO effort
• Extremely sore nipples
• Decreased blood pressure
• Fatigue
• Pretty serious aversion to toast (weirdest aversion ever!)
• The beginnings of a rash on my belly (3dp5dt)

For the record I had all of these, minus the oily face and the weird toast thing last time... And I was pregnant.

This is totally normal, right?!?

Effing crazy dream. Like for serious.

Last night the following things happened in my dream....

• Hubs and I arrived 3 hours early for our embryo transfer. 
• He decided to have an elective surgery while we waited. I stayed in the car during said surgery.
• The doctor who did my ET walked by the car while I was sitting in it, knocked on the window and asked if I wanted to have an ultrasound. He said he'd bring the machine out to the car. (uh, what?)
• Just then, my husband came out from his surgery and we drove away. We passed the doctor pushing the ultrasound machine while driving away. 
• We ended up at my parent's house (2 hours away) just before my transfer was scheduled to start. At this point I went to lunch with a bunch of people I didn't know. 
• I finally realized that I needed to be at the transfer, so I started frantically trying to call the clinic. 
• I could not for the life of me get my phone to work. It did look an awful lot like a tv remote and did seem to work with the TV, perhaps that was the problem! 
• In fact, my phone was so useless it seemed like a good idea to walk into a grocery store, cut a head of cabbage into quarters with a freaking sword and use it to call the embryologist.... in London. 
• At this point, I lost my shoes (pretty sure that is when I took off my socks in my sleep) stole a car and took about 85 wrong turns trying to get to the clinic for my transfer.
• And then I woke up... 

Someone please interpret that mess...

2dp5dt

A few random things...

• My two days of bed rest are O.V.E.R. but I've been taking it pretty easy today. I've spent a good chunk of time on the couch, but it felt SO good to be able to get up and make my own lunch. 
• Progesterone suppositories are gross. 
• I still have 3 Christmas gifts to buy... the same 3 I've had left for the last 4+ weeks. My husband's family is IMPOSSIBLE to buy for!
• Pinterest has been my saving grace through bed rest. 
• My husband cannot get home soon enough today! Am finally allowed to shower today, but last time I got super dizzy in my first shower after ET, so I'm waiting until he gets home. 
• I'm feeling good about this cycle. That was shaken a little yesterday when there was only one freezable embryo- but I'm feeling better, more confident today. 
• My beta is one week from today. 
• We're having dinner with friends on Friday night- I'm looking forward to doing something that does not revolve around IVF. 
• Here are my socks from the transfer....

1dp5dt

It's amazing how nice it sounds to lay around all day, when in reality it isn't all that glamorous. I think I could dig it more if the "no more than a 45 degree angle" rule didn't exist! I've finished all the Private Practice that Netflix had to offer and began watching Glee this morning. This afternoon is going to require something more or I may go crazy!!

I'm currently (not so patiently) waiting to hear about our other three embryos. I'm hopeful all three are still growing and will be frozen alongside our two from our first cycle later this afternoon.

I'm already thinking about when/if I'll test. I'm fairly certain it is more of a question of when than it is of if. Last time I got my fist positive at 6dp5dt... that would be on Saturday.

***update*** I just heard from one of the embryologists- we have one embryo to freeze. She said it was very similar in quality to those that we transferred yesterday. So, even though I was wishing for more... Quality over quantity!

Two Perfect Blasts....

We just got home and settled in after our transfer. You'll remember that we've heard no updates sine the initial fertilization report on Wednesday morning.

Of our 9 retrieved eggs, 7 were mature, 6 fertilized with ICSI and as of this morning 5 were still growing!!!! The doctor performing the transfer today said that while I'm not much of a quantity girl when it comes to eggs retrieved, I'm certainly a quality girl when it comes to embryos.... Yay, finally I do something right!!!!

We transferred what the embryologist called 'two absolutely perfect blasts.' The remaining three all looked good but were growing at a slower pace (exactly what we saw last time) and depending on their status tomorrow, they will be frozen.

The transfer itself went perfectly, but leading up to it with the speculum was kind of a mess! It had to do with my full bladder making it difficult to visualize the cervix... It took three speculums. And, I'm fairly glad I didn't see the last one because I'm pretty sure it was enormous!

I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon in bed watching tv... I know I'll be bored and tired of laying by the time the 48 hour mandatory bed rest is lifted on Tuesday morning, but for now laying in my cozy bed being lazy and waited on hand and foot is a pretty sweet deal!!!

Retrieval Socks...

These were my socks on retrieval day. I feel like this picture makes my feet look they have the absolute most absurd shape... oh-well.

Sometimes early is good...

Early is not great when your period arrives in that fashion, but when your embryologist calls early, its a good thing. Not because she'll always have good news, but because you can stop worrying. Knowing is always better. But, when she calls early AND has good news it makes your day!

IVF #1:
13 Retrieved
8 Mature (62%)
4 Fertilized (50%)
4 Blasts made it to transfer/freeze (100%)

IVF #2:
9 Retrieved
7 Mature (78%)
6 Fertilized (86%)

So far, it appears that things are looking up in spite of starting out with less. From the start this was our hope. Now we wait some more. We will not hear anything more about our embryos until we arrive on Sunday morning. 4 more days of waiting. In the meantime I'm going to hang on to hope. Last time we found that once we found the mature eggs and hooked them up with a good sperm we made some pretty dang great embryos. So, until Sunday morning at 9:45am, I'm going to think positive and be hopeful that those six are growers and fighters!

Today is a very happy day!

Nine

>Though we were hoping for more, we'll take the nine eggs that were retrieved this morning. We all were expecting more, but for now we will be thankful for nine, watch private practice with the heating pad and wait for tomorrows mature/fert report.

And we're off...

We're on our way to the egg hunt.... I'd do almost anything for a drink right now. My very fist thought upon waking up this morning was WATER!! But, that will have to wait. I have IVs to get, naps to take and eggs to be collected!!

Easter came early...

In the last several days I've taken to calling my ovaries egg baskets. I mean, they kind of are, right? I only thought the baskets were full yesterday, holy hell, post trigger they feel like they're bursting at the seems. Like to the point that sitting isn't much of an option anymore. I'm either standing or laying/lounging, I don't totally remember how I felt at this point last time, but I'm guessing I was in a similar boat.

I'm trying to get a few more things done today before tomorrow morning's retrieval. If I can get the kitchen clean, a couple loads of laundry done and squeeze in a quick trip to the grocery store I'll be a happy camper.

The trigger last night was pretty I uneventful, which was a welcome change from our IM mishaps that we've had lately. That stuff stings, but we managed. Today is my favorite medication day of the whole cycle... Nothing but my usual meds, prenatal and a baby aspirin- so easy!!

I'm looking forward to my drug induced nap tomorrow!! And maybe, just maybe I'll have another life changing moment while I'm coming out of anesthesia again :)

Injections are O-V-E-R!!!

Ten days in...

I had yet another ultrasound, this time with the final doctor in the practice that I had yet to see. He's a fairly well known doctor when it comes to IVF, and I was glad to have someone who has seen plenty cases tell me it was time to TRIGGER!

My follies grew significantly (which did not go unnoticed by me!) and it looks like several are very ready and there are multiple that will get their final nudge with the vial of menopur I took this morning, tonight's follistim dose and the 10,000 units of HCG that will be swimming around in there later this evening. All of this means we're scheduled for a Tuesday morning retrieval! Yahoo!

I am so ready!

Stats:
Lining- >10mm triple stripe
Right side- 9 or 10 contenders + 3 smaller (largest 19mm)
Left side- 5 or 6 contenders + 5 smaller (largest 20mm)
E2- 2549, a much healthier number than this stage last time-- thank goodness!

Tonight:
Final follistim, lupron and dexamethasone doses.
6pm- 100iu Follistim
8pm- 5iu Lupron
9pm- Dexamethasone
9:30pm- 10,000units of HCG

Three more injections!!!

Dull...

You know what's rad? Dull needles.

The past TWO mornings poor hubs has tried to give me my IM menopur injection and the needle wouldn't go in with his normal pressure. This in turn freaks him out a little and we have to change the needle and go through the build up again. Both mornings we've managed, but seriously- not an enjoyable experience!

I'm crossing my little fingers that tomorrow will be trigger day. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be back on Monday for one last look and triggering orders, but a girl can wish, right? Grow, follies, grow... I am ready to be DONE with the needles!!!!

My energy level is pretty much non-existent. I got in my bed last night about 7:30 and read until I had to take a pill at 9 and then promptly fell asleep and slept soundly until 6 this morning when it was time for another injection. I'm not sure if it is from the meds, or my lack of exercise, but it is killing me.

This weekend it's time to get organized for some lazy days ahead... Cleaning, ironing and maybe a couple of make ahead meals. I still haven't finished decorating for Christmas, and I'm on the fence about finishing. As of now we have a couple things up in addition to our Christmas tree. The thought of getting everything else out seems a little daunting 9 days into stims, knowing that we won't be having anyone into our home between now and Christmas makes it all seem silly. Thoughts?

Stim day 8...

Another day, another ultrasound. When my doctor walked into the exam room this morning she asked how I felt, my response was something about a bag of marbles in my abdomen. It's true. It just feels kind of heavy in there, but I also know that the worst is still ahead, so I'm trying to savor the moment.

This morning we saw 9 follies on righty and 5 or 6 good follies on lefty. The average size right now is between 13-14mm, with the largest follies measuring right around 15. My lining is nice and cozy at 10.4mm. E2 came back today at 1437- that is a little more than doubling in 48 hours. Tonight I'll stay at 100iu of follistim, and tomorrow night I'll decrease to 75iu.

She still thinks we'll trigger Sunday or Monday making our retrieval Tuesday or Wednesday morning.

Until then, we press on. I'm back for another ultrasound and blood draw bright and early Sunday morning- this time with the only physician in the practice that I haven't seen in my 15 months with this clinic. In the meantime I'll keep watching Private Practice... I'm about 1/2 way though season two. 

For the record...

Private Practice may not be the show to start watching during your IVF cycle. In addition reading 'Sing You Home' by Jodi Pic.oult is not the best choice either .... You're welcome.

Am I taking my own advice? Nope. How is it working out for me? Uh, I'm hormonal- the best way to describe this one is comical.

Stim Day 6...

Those are nice, huh? They even go all the way up to the knee!

Six days in, and it is time for another ultrasound and more blood work.

Today we saw 10 on the right side, 11mm being the largest. On the left there were 11 (only 6 that will likely be mature at ER) and 12.5mm was the largest. My lining is nice and thick at 9.5mm, it was only 7.5 at this stage last time! I'll go back on Friday for another ultrasound and more blood work.

There was a little comedy in the ultrasound room this morning. When my doctor came into the room to do the ultrasound she grabbed the ultrasound gel to prep the wand and sprayed it all over herself. We all laughed and she likened her situation to the one portrayed in 'Something about Mary'... hilarious. We all laughed and agreed that ultrasound gel would be better than the alternative. Next, I nearly kicked her in the face while assuming the position and she called herself a few names. This is why I love my doctor- we are totally on the same wave length. She is the perfect mix of serious and comical.

Hubs has been concerned about the placement of the circles for my IM men.opur injections. I asked about it today, and it was decided that while it was probably fine, we'd let him win this one and move them down just a tad. So, in case you're wondering, I have all kinds of sharpie marks on my back/rear right now.

Depending on my E2 level, we'll see where my follistim dose goes. I'm not even pretending to know what they'll do with it at this point! If I had to guess I'd think if it isn't decreased today, it will be on Friday. ** E2 came back at 700, so we're decreasing the dose to 100iu of Follistim instead of 150.**

I'm still feeling pretty good, tired and more bloated with the day, but overall there isn't too much pain or heaviness just yet. I really wish I liked protein more because I know it would help, for now the Gatorade will have to do!

I watched Biggest Loser this morning... I bet you can guess how that one ended. Really, was it necessary to reunite them with their spouses today? It was nearly more than I could take. 

Stim Day 5...

First, thanks to everyone who has given me the Liebster blog award. I am typically pretty crappy at playing along with these awards- and it seems as though pretty much everyone I follow has already received it!

I'm five days in, and boy can I feel it. My energy level is taking a nose dive and my mid-section is in a bit of turmoil. I've been interested in how this cycle matches up to the last, so here are the findings so far....

• At suppression: More follies present for IVF #1. Ovaries looked less 'PCOS-y' for IVF#2.
• I started on the same dose of menopur, but DOUBLE the dose of follistim. 
• In terms of total doses of follistim, I am currently about to days ahead of where I was last time. However, the plan is to work in the opposite direction as we did last time, tapering down instead of up. The hope is more mature eggs than last time. 
• The calm feeling remains. I'm not overly worried about anything. I have no idea what my E2 level was yesterday, and I am 100% ok with it. 
• I've started the precautionary OHSS diet earlier this time around. As soon as I felt any bloating I started drinking Gatorade, trying to be better about getting plenty of protein and cut back on the carbs and sugar. So far, it has helped relieve the bloating significantly and hopefully it will keep me in the clear after retrieval. 
• I weigh about 20 pounds less than I did for IVF#1.
• The random crying is similar to last time. Most of the time it is somewhat predictable, but sometimes it is 100% random. This morning I was watching a TV show, and though it was touching, it wasn't worthy of tears, so there I sat crying... and laughing at myself for crying. Nothing says irrational like a hormonal woman.
• Lemonade Gatorade is still my favorite flavor. For now. 
• Follistim stings A LOT more than it did last time. 

I'm currently setting up Netflix for bed rest.... what should I add??

So much to say...

I have approximately one million things to say, so here they are in no particular order....

Today is stim day four. I'm starting to feel bloated and sore-ish. And the bruises- they're annoying!

We cut down our christmas tree over the weekend- hopefully I'll have it decorated by the end of the day.

I had lunch with E today- I'm already totally bummed that she is moving away next year!

Monitoring appointment #1 was today. It looks like we have about 20 possible contenders. The largest was about 9mm and my lining was 5.5 with a triple stripe. So far so good! I heard back from the nurse after my blood work came back. She said the levels looked great, so we're keeping at the same dose (1 vial menopur and 150iu of foll.istim). I'm back in the office Wednesday and Friday for ultrasounds and blood work.

I think I missed the boat on exercise during stims. I was hoping to make a couple more trips to the gym, but I have a feeling that ship has sailed.

We bought a fraction of a cow... I'm a recovering vegetarian. In a typical week we eat beef maybe once or twice. I have a feeling that is about to change. What exactly is a person supposed to do with cube steak?

I hate it when there isn't enough left in your foll.istim cartridge for your whole dose. Two pokes=two bruises. Lame.

When I arrived home from our thanksgiving travels I had a package waiting on my doorstep from Janet! She sent me some seriously rad socks and her favorite book! What a fun and thoughtful little surprise! Thanks, Janet!!!!

I've started drinking Gatorade to combat the bloat, so far it is not that bad. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune a couple weeks from now. So far light blue and red are winners.

I got to snuggle with my nephews over the holiday- I love those boys!!!

I didn't witness a single black Friday fight! I did manage to find some good deals, but I didn't buy a single thing for anyone other than us. I scored some new sheets, jeans and a movie. I'm saving the nice new sheets for bed rest!

We managed the injection without letting on what we were up to. We just decided to take it early (5am) before I had to meet up with my Mom and SILs for shopping at 530. Since then, we've slowly pushed the time later and now we're up to our usual morning injection time of 6am.

Here's a picture of today's socks:

I got the results back from the pap with my new OB/gyn- everything is normal in there. Well,at least as far as that us concerned.

I had a dream over the weekend that I gave birth to a baby girl. She was perfect in every way, even if she was 27 inches long at birth!

Suppression Socks...

I thought I should post a picture of my socks from last week's suppression check before Monday's monitoring appointment!

Otherwise, we're just plugging along with stims- currently on day three. We'll see on Monday what is happening in there- I'm guessing we're about one week away from triggering. My abdomen is already feeling bloated. The men.opur is stinging WAY more than it did last time, but we are getting through it. I'm just glad I'm only taking one vial!!!!

I take it back...

Uhhh, guess who spoke too soon? My nurse called this afternoon I'm starting stims on Friday instead of Saturday. Which in the long run could be great news (I'll explain when I'm not typing on my phone) but for now, it really eff's with my black Friday mojo.

I'm sure I'll figure something out. How exactly do I explain needing to see my husband privately for 10 minutes at 6:30am when no one knows we're doing IVF? I'll let you know what I come up with!

Suppressed!

I had my suppression check this morning with one of the other doctors in the practice. I saw him several times while my doctor was on maternity leave last spring and we had a few comical run ins-  here and here. Thankfully nothing crazy happened today, just an ultrasound that showed suppressed ovaries and follies that were begging to be stimulated. Or something like that.

My ovaries looked a little different today- dare I say less PCOS-y than usual?!? There were about 9 follies on each side that were measuring somewhere in the realm of 6-7.5mm. My lining was 3mm. As I was writing this, the nurse called and said my E2 was nice and low at 32. So over all, there look to be fewer follicles from the start this time. But, I also know that my doctor counts ALL of the follicles at the suppression check and I'm not sure the doctor I saw today was counting the tiny ones. Either way, there are plenty!

Once all was said and done, ultrasound...blood draw...tats drawn on my hips, I had the pleasure of racking up some airline miles for what will surely be a baby-moon in the near future. And by this, I mean I paid for our cycle. And it was painful.

We're still set to start stims on Saturday morning, because it would be un-holy to make me rearrange my Black Friday shopping plans for something silly like a needle being shoved into my hip. This my friends, is why I LOVE my nurse!

Are you getting up at the crack of dawn and shopping on Friday? I'm waiting to hear my SIL's plan of attack and I'm kind of crossing my fingers that it doesn't start at midnight! Though, nothing says holiday cheer like watching a couple of women fight over a pillow pet  in the wee morning hours. I'm sure I'll be back with stories!


3 days until we start stims.
5 days until my first monitoring appointment!

I have a picture of my socks today but I can't seem to get it to upload... maybe I can share it over the weekend!

Sometimes I'd like to...

...throw bricks at stupid peoples' faces. Ok, so maybe that is kinda harsh, but have you seen this little gem on Facebook?

IS EXPECTING!!!!!!! 6 weeks!! I know it's crazy ain't it? I can't believe it myself! I wasn't going to put it on here but wanted to make it official. I mean who would have guessed that we're expecting! Yup, its official.... we are expecting Santa in just 6 weeks!!!

Last night when I couldn't sleep it seemed like a good idea to open facebook on my phone... WRONG! The person who posted this has already gotten pregnant twice and birthed two babies in the time we've been trying to get pregnant... and the youngest is nearly ONE! Why do people think fake pregnancy announcements are so funny? 

But, I'm not bitter. Not.at.all. 

Nor am I hormonal. 

Just for the record. 

10 points for EVERYONE...

You guys crack me up.. you were all right- Gardasil. My college roommate and I were constantly singing that little jingle!

In other news, well there isn't much. Still waiting. It appears that my period is considering showing up in a timely manner after taking my last BCP on Friday. Normally, it takes  longer so I'm still skeptical. Either way, I'll have my suppression check on Wednesday and then we'll start stims bright and early Saturday morning. Less than a week away!

I got a bill from my clinic over the weekend. I looked at the dang thing like 20 times trying to figure it out, but it just didn't add up. It wasn't until this morning that I figured out it wasn't actually a bill, it was a credit. I think I'll be thankful for that this Thanksgiving :) Try not to be too jealous, it is only for $42.

I got some fun socks in the mail over the weekend from a sweet bloggy friend- I'll be sure to post a picture when I wear them! Thanks, Jessica!!

One Less...

In case you were wondering, I took my last birth control pill yesterday. Looking at that empty package was a pretty great feeling, but even better was deleting the alarm to take that pill. Between the things I was taking prior to IVF (met.formin x3 & thyroid medication) and those that go hand in hand with IVF, my phone is constantly buzzing reminding me to take something. One less.

O-N-E-L-E-S-S.. I wanna be one less. One less.

10 points to the first person who can name that ad.

Greeeaaat, now it is stuck in my head.

Infertile or Bi-polar?

Let me set the scene...

I arrived at the gym yesterday afternoon to squeeze in a quick workout. I wasn't at all interested in being there, but I managed to press on and hop up onto an elliptical for a quick 30 minute workout. Upon getting settled I open up my blog reader app and notice this comical little post from JM. I start laughing out loud as I'm reading. What began as just giggling over her poem transitioned to a full laugh when I read this...

"Today I took my last birth control pill. Quite the exciting swallow. (that's what she said) (yes I'm mature enough to parent) (or at least i will be in 9 months)"

The room was silent.. well except me, the one cracking up. People were staring, it was awkward. This alone wouldn't have been so noteworthy without what came immediately following my recovery from laughing. After putting my phone down and uncoiling my headphones, I plugged in and began watching one of the many TVs. First up, a family being surprised by their soldier father returning home. Seriously, I went from the one cracking up in the corner, to the one with a single tear rolling down her face in a matter of about 60 seconds. Thank you lu.pron. I quickly pulled the plug on that one and refused to even look in the general direction of that TV for the remainder of my workout. I'm pretty sure everyone in the room is now convinced that I'm bipolar or something. 

Scattered...

I don't have anything cohesive to say today so, as usual, its a list kind of day...

• I went to the gym twice yesterday- 7 miles and over a thousand calories. Who am I?
• ONE.MORE.BCP
• Christmas gift wrapping starts this weekend- I can't wait!
• Doxy.cycline makes me sick every freaking day. Next Wednesday can not come quick enough.
• I finally did some sewing today that had been in my to-do pile for weeks. 
• I just had the most pleasant call with my insurance company EVER. The rep not only spoke English, he also knew how to use his computer and I'm fairly certain had been educated past the 8th grade... AND he told me exactly what I wanted to hear which always helps :) Thanks, TJ!
• The injection tally is up to 3 at this point- only one bruise and two tiny red dots on my belly. 
• I wish the laundry fairy would come to my house. We used to be able to go weeks between laundry days if we wanted because I had a ridiculous amount of clothing. Now that I've packed up 4 huge tubs of clothes that no longer fit, laundry is more of a pressing issue- lame. 

Well, that was more boring that I anticipated. You can count on a celebratory post tomorrow after I swallow that last BCP!!

Going Postal...

I did something yesterday that I really have been meaning to do for a VERY long time... I sent off some love (via snail mail) to some sweet blogger friends of mine. Three of them will be doing their very first (and hopefully last) IVF cycle around the same time I am cycling, and the other will be doing an FET right along side us.

It was not without comedy that it all fell into place. I was dead set on sewing up these super cute corner book marks that I'd seen on Pinterest.. lets just say what looked simple was not and by the time I'd finished one I kinda wanted to throw my sewing machine out the window. In other words- there are no freshly sewn book marks in those packages! Oh, your wondering what I did with the one that I did make? Yeah, I kept it. I'm selfish like that.

Next, it was off to the post office to send said packages. The first three were relatively simple, minus the postal worker that just barely spoke English. She asked me questions over and over and I just stood there with a blank stare. I guess it is true what they say about 'use it or lose it'-- I am a certified English as a second language teacher, and usually pride myself on being able to figure out what both young speakers and non-native English speakers are saying- today, not so much. Perhaps it is the hiatus I've taken from teaching.  The third envelope was the real treat though. I've never sent anything to Canada before, lets start there. I pretty much felt like I had to give this woman my life story, tell her exactly what was in the package and then sign my life away all while having nearly no idea what words were coming out of her mouth. Train wreck.

With that said-  I hope they find you all sometime in the midst of your cycles! I really have no idea when they'll arrive because my trusty friend at the post office wasn't so hot with numbers. To her '2-4 days' was the same as 'a couple weeks' so, your guess is as good as mine! And the one coming to Canada, well perhaps it will arrive by spring :)

You forget the little things...

... well, and perhaps the big things too, I'm just not there yet to notice.

Lup.ron effing stings... like a lot.

Sure it only lasts a few minutes, but I had forgotten and it caught me off guard. I remembered that I hadn't loved doing that specific injection- but really, what injection did I love doing? We are one injection into this process, its the point of no return. I know time is about to start rushing by, and it will be Christmas before I know it. At which point, we will be celebrating with a tiny babe growing inside of me... I just know it!

Read, Set, GO!

• It has officially started. We swallowed the first of the antibiotics this morning- and I promptly got a stomachache. I can't seem to remember if it bothered me that last time around- oh, well there isn't much I can do about it! 
• We did a little more Christmas shopping yesterday afternoon. We have TWO more gifts to buy!
• I did some serious cleaning/redecorating in our bedroom yesterday- next up, master bathroom and living room. 
• It is cold and rainy here today- I have a feeling hot cocoa and some sewing catch-up are in my near future.
• All of our family lives out of town, so we'll be traveling for Thanksgiving- thankfully before stimulation begins. This means there is NO reason I can't decorate for Christmas before we leave. I love coming home from Thanksgiving and jumping right into Christmas!
• I'm looking for a good book to read during bed rest... recommendations please!
• I'm what I like to call a recovering vegetarian. I eat meat now, but I don't love it. Knowing that I'll likely need to adopt a low carb/high protein diet because of possible OHSS I need some new meal ideas- preferably something I could make ahead....  anyone?
• The Pinterest app on my phone is messed up... anyone else having trouble with it? When I try to pin something none of my boards are there. Lame.

Preparing...

Just like our first IVF cycle, I have high hopes of getting things pretty well in order before our cycle starts. This week will be full of deep cleaning the house, preparing for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and being a little more proactive about figuring out meals for when I'm on bed rest. 

Since I'm currently not working, I am fully able to take it easy when the stim drug side effects set in, and to lay low for a few extra days after the retrieval and transfer. However, I'm also a huge perfectionist when it comes to holiday gift giving. Enter stress- which I really try to keep to a minimum during treatment cycles. For this reason, we finished about 90% of our Christmas shopping this weekend and we are fairly set on what else we need to pick up- all easy to find, and all things the hubs could pick up if needed. 

Originally I was worried about how stressful it could be doing a cycle between the two holidays, but I've since realized that it is actually perfect timing for all that laying around-- Christmas movies galore! We're planning to go chop down our Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend so that will be out of the way and I'm sure the house will be fully decorated that weekend as well. Nothing like laying on the sofa, watching Christmas movies while on bed rest- the Christmas cheer should dissolve the cycle's stress and worry, right?!?!

It feels crazy that we're kicking off our calendar TOMORROW! We'll both start our antibiotics and I'll also begin taking a low dose steroid, lup.ron and an aspirin. By Friday I'll be done with BCPs and we'll be about a week out from stims. When we made our plan in August for this cycle it felt so far away, and while it was, time has passed super quickly- I can't believe we're about to do another cycle. I keep wondering how 'clearly' I remember last cycle. I know partially I'm sugar coating what its like in my mind because I know first hand how worth it is to see those two pink lines and know that you are pregnant- even if only for a few short days or weeks. So I'll just keep up with that thinking- no matter what, its worth it!  

Nurse Awesomeness...

There is nothing quite like a pap-smear to wake you up in the morning. Its funny to see an OB/GYN after a year of fertility treatments. I mean I get it, most women don't spend a significant amount of time with their pants off and feet in the stir-ups, but this girl does- so, a little swab of the cervix doesn't even phase me. It was funny when the nurse was telling me that I'd meet the doctor before I changed into the gown/sheet 'because no one wants to meet somebody for the first time naked' all I could think was... oh, if you only knew lady! 

I ended up really liking my new doctor. She is super relaxed and doesn't have much to say. I'm sure if I'd had a bunch of questions for her she would have had plenty of answers, but the truth is, I know an awful lot about my lady bits and see them on the ultra sound screen frequently. Her nurse on the other hand makes up for her calm and collected nature. She is crazy and has lots to say. We talked about doctors recognizing people by things other than their face... hilarious! That, and she had teased hair... like four inches worth all around her head. She is RAD. 

I'm so thankful that is out of the way and now I know who we'll use once we finally get pregnant and are released from our RE!

In other news one more week of BCPs, and I only have three more evenings free of syringes and needles- Lets do this!!!

Get Outta My Head...

I've been having some absurd dreams lately. The first couple were just pain outrageous and left me thinking about carnies when I woke up in the morning. Last night's dream was about our egg retrieval.

You may remember that during our first IVF cycle I had a recurring dream about my doctor showing up to my ER wearing flannel pj's with kittens on them- I'm hoping this new dream doesn't become a staple of my dreamy state. At least the last one was kinda funny- this one was just concerning.

In my dream Hubs decides that he doesn't want to go with me to the ER (NOT acceptable!) so I asked my parents to go instead. Keep in mind my parents don't even know that we're starting another cycle right now- and my mother is WAY too high strung to be in attendance at my ER/ET- no way, no how. In addition to it being totally weird that my parents were there, I had the nurse from HELL. She knew absolutely nothing about the IVF process and didn't think it was a big deal that I had no idea how many eggs were collected. Then, although  I've done this before, I think that it would be important for them to go over the post-ER restrictions- they didn't agree. So weird.

I woke up this morning VERY thankful to be in my bed with my alarm buzzing on my nightstand. I know that none of those things would ever happen, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mess with my stress level a little bit.

In more exciting news... 8 more BCPs! I'm oddly excited to start injecting myself with lu.pron on Monday- I know that sounds odd, but I'm well aware how quickly things start moving at that point!!!

I have my annual tomorrow with the doctor we are hoping to use for OB care in the near future- I'm sure I'll be back here with an opinion mid-morning.... because, I always have an opinion!

Rolling...

I feel like its been days since I was here unloading my thoughts, feelings, and general observations out onto the internet. Blogging used to be such a release for me- a way to work through all of the thoughts/feelings/discomfort I was facing. Lately there just hasn't been much to unload. I suppose that is a good thing.

Life has just been rolling along. There has been some baby gift sewing, Christmas gift brainstorming, lots of trips to the gym, a fair amount of Christmas music, pinterest obsessing and IVF preparing.... and by IVF preparing, I mean supporting my sock habit, and purchasing ample amounts of Gatorade.

 I'm sure there will be more to say in the coming days... here's whats on the horizon-

• Friday: Annual Exam with new OB/GYN
• Saturday: Christmas shopping extravaganza with Hubs! It's our goal to be mostly done with our shopping by the time we start stims two days after Thanksgiving.
• Sunday: A few projects at home.
• Monday: The calendar begins- lupron, doxy, and dex.
• Next Friday: Last BCP
• Following Wednesday: Suppression Check

Life is about to get A LOT more interesting... and BUSY! Here we go!!!

Perfectly Mine...

Last weekend I had an opportunity to give a little advice on the art of speaking with someone who is struggling. It was mere hours after I posted about the delicate dance of letting someone know how much you care about them, and trying to 'fix' their problems.

I stressed to this person that while it is certainly important to acknowledge the hurt and suffering the other person is feeling, it is also important to just meet them there without trying to make it better. Especially when the pain is fresh.

I know there are comments that have been made to me that I will likely NEVER forget. They came in hard moments and were from people who I'd never expect to say them, but they did. I hate that for the most part they likely were not at all meant to hurt, but no matter their intent, they hurt and are forever stamped on my heart. I've forgiven these people for the hurt, but I think it is important for me to remember these hurts in an effort to not do the same to someone else.

I share this all, because I think we are all quick to want to say the right thing. As I listened to this person make a phone call to the person who was struggling I felt like she did an amazing job of meeting the struggling person in the hurt, until the end of the call. She said something that I don't think I'll ever forget. She didn't mean it the way it sounded, and thankfully the person on the other end of the line totally called her on it, but it drives home the point- don't assume you know what to say. Don't assume that the flowery, rainbows and unicorns sentiments are helpful or hopeful. This simply isn't true. Sometimes a person finds themselves in an extremely painful and helpless situation- one in which there is a very slim chance things will turn out OK. And in those moments, sorry is really the only appropriate thing to say.

Though I hurt for the person on the other end of the phone that evening, I also took something away from that horribly placed comment. As I sat thinking about what she could have or should have said, I made a realization of my own. Though the hand I've been dealt has not always been fun or easy, it is mine. This is my life and while it isn't perfect, it IS mine. Just like that baby that hurting mama is carrying is HERS. A baby that will endure surgery upon surgery, and potentially eventually need an organ transplant. And, while she may not be 'perfect' in health, she WILL be perfectly theirs. 

Just for you, Megan!

I do keep my 'stirup socks' in this drawer too, so those are just a few options laying off to the side. On the top end is a big sharps container, then the ever lovely suppositories, foll.istim pen, men.opur, all of the IVF associated pills, the trigger shot, lu.pron, vitamins, and at the lower end are about a million syringes, needles, alcohol swabs, gauze pads... and maybe a pregnancy test or two. But, in my defense the HPTS are left over from the one I had to take before pro.vera in September.

So there you have it... a drawer full of drugs- try not to let it freak you out too much!

Another step closer...

Needles, syringes, suppositories, OH MY! 

They are here! I went and picked up a giant bag of fertility drugs today and got them all organized in my drug drawer. Is it weird that I have an entire drawer FILLED with IVF drugs? I did have a few odds and ends leftover from my last cycle, so it looks worse in there than it actually is... but still it is A LOT! Thankfully the cost of the drugs was pretty painless, which makes walking away with like 60 needles a little less breathtaking! 

The countdown is on.....

Start lu.pron in 12 days

Last BCP in 16 days

Suppression check in 21 days

Start stims in 24 days

A Reply...

I received a comment on my 'Insensitive' post that I thought deserved a reply. I didn't have a way to reply to the poster specifically, so in hopes that she is reading- Amy, here is your reply! I hope you don't feel like I'm calling you out in anyway- I think your thoughts were well written and I can understand where you're coming from. I just feel like it is really important for me to put out there the feelings that so many of us face.

Amy writes (in black):
That's the thing though--some people really ARE clueless regarding what to say in those types of situations. It may have been insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she was purposely trying to be that way. (Agreed)


Like an earlier commenter said, I think trying to relate in some way is a natural human reaction. She probably doesn't know what to say but wanted to make you feel like you were not alone.The issue I have with this is, when does comparing situations EVER may anyone feel better? And for the record, I was alone, I was the only one who could go through that miscarriage, no one else was going to do it for me. I had to do it. Me. Alone. 


As for the adoption question, maybe she really was sincerely asking? I think most of the time, people who ask that aren't saying it like "OMG here is the greatest idea you've never thought of!" I think people are generally interested in if that's something you've considered. It might come across as insensitive, but I don't think it's inherently meant to be so. Bottom line, it came too soon after the most heartbreaking loss we'd ever experienced. There is a time and place for everything- days after losing your baby is not the time to be asked about adoption. No one wants to think about another baby when they are still grieving the one they just lost.

Having never dealt with a situation such as yours, I find my typical response to this type of tragic event is "I'm so sorry." Is that wrong? Should I be saying something else? No, you are absolutely right to say you're sorry, and honestly I think that is a good place to leave it. You can tell a person you're there for them, and offer a meal or a shoulder if they are ready, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them about your neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who it all worked out for- it is not the time. And no matter what works for someone else, it isn't going to change their situation. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do for some who is suffering is meet them in the 'suck.' Don't try to dig them out of their pit of despair. Meet them there- be present. 


I can't say that I wouldn't have thought to ask the very same questions she did--I think those types of questions are a natural reaction when you find out someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe she honestly just wanted to know more about your situation and that's why she asked about adoption? Maybe she's secretly struggling herself & wanted to know what your thought process was? Again, timing is everything. Can we agree that if you just heard about someone's kidney cancer you wouldn't likely just say to them- well there's always donor kidneys. Sure you might eventually ask if that is a possibility, but hopefully in that moment you would just meet them in their heartache and not start throwing out 'fixes' right away. 

This is going to sound like a huge generalization, but in my experience, it seems like people who struggle with infertility expect everyone else to immediately know how they should act, speak, and think about the situation. And as someone on the other side of that, that's not the case. Often, I see posts discussing how stupid "fertiles" are and bemoaning people who celebrate their pregnancies in natural, normal ways, and what jerks they are for doing so. The truth is, I DON'T know what to say. I DON'T know how to act. But I strive to be sensitive and understanding. I don't know that the infertile community thinks everyone should just know how to act around someone who is struggling, but I do think as a whole we expect people to at the very least think before they speak. Telling us that you'd gladly give us one of your children- not helpful. Telling us that we're "lucky" we are able to sleep in because we don't have kids- not helpful. Again, but being present as a friend/sister is the most comforting thing you can do. Google is a great resource- don't expect your friends or family who are going though IVF or the like, to explain the entire process to you. Knowledge is power, and it will feel great to the person that you're supporting if you've taken the initiative to find out what they are going though.  


And yet, I still think if you are able to get pregnant, with the help of drugs or not, you deserve to celebrate that whole-heartedly. Absolutely! 


I think sometimes that understanding and sensitivity that's wanted by people struggling with infertility could go both ways.  I have to say, I think it does. Though I often vent about 'fertiles' on my personal blog as I would in a journal- more often than not I just allow the words and actions of others to just roll off my back. I get that there is absolutely NO WAY to understand the heartache if you've never been there. More importantly, people who are dealing with infertility are suffering from a DISEASE and grieving the loss of many things in the process. Theses individuals are likely not concerned about how THEIR infertility is making OTHERS feel.


I've posted this link before- and I'm posting it again because I think it is perfectly written. 

What infertile couples want and need

A little of this, and a little of that...

I started birth control on Wednesday and I'm already counting down the days until it is over... 22.

In reference to yesterdays post- Don't get me wrong, I do think her comments were well meaning. And I can understand wanting to make a connection with people, especially when they are hurting. It all was just a lot too soon, and not at all in a sensitive manner. But, that is kind of the way she is... words coming out with zero thought.

I scheduled my suppression check and it just so happens my doctor is going to be out that day. However I was able to get an appointment with my second favorite doctor. I'm just hoping my favorite nurse will be in (its the day before Thanksgiving) to draw some targets on my rear, because I don't drop my pants for just anyone. Who am I kidding, I totally do. Ahhhhh, infertility. 

I FINALLY made an appointment with the OBGYN we hope to use for prenatal care once I finally get/stay pregnant. I had previously been seeing a NP at a women's care clinic about twenty-five minutes away. We now live less than a mile from a great (but small) hospital, and assume we will deliver there provided it is a normal (read: not multiple or otherwise high risk) pregnancy. The doctor we are seeing has rights at this small hospital as well as the large university hospital near by. I do really hate seeing new doctors though. I hope I like her, because I'd hate to do this all over again! 

I've made it to the weight that my doctor wanted me to be prior to this next round of IVF. It was in no way a stipulation on treatment, more a suggestion, but I'm glad I'm there. This also makes me about 2lbs. away from a VERY large goal that I NEVER thought I'd reach. 

Speaking of weightloss, and I know I've said this before, I'm running out of things to wear. Yesterday, I pulled out the smallest pair of jeans I own. They are from college and haven't fit in literally years, but they are the kind of jeans that have A LOT of good memories, so I've kept them. Well, they totally fit. However, why did I ever think low rise (like ultra low rise) jeans were comfortable? And that wash... wow.

I'm starting to think I have forgotten a little about our last IVF cycle. You know how mothers always say you forget the pain of childbirth over time? I think I've done the same with IVF to a certain extent. I know with everything that I am, that it is worth it- so whatever it takes, I'm all in. Except for one thing. There is one piece that I've not forgotten, and I could certainly do without. It starts with a G and ends with atorade. I've already started stocking up when I've seen it on sale and I have a nice assortment of flavors (I learned that the hard way last time!)  I'm already dreading the countless bottles I will consume. Buuuuuut, it is far better than the alternative (OHSS and a freeze-all situation) so I'll comply. 

And with that... its time for my birth control pill.... 21 more :) 

Insensitive...

Okay, on to the insensitive comment, or was it an insensitive gesture... probably both.

A little back story in bullet points:

• Our parents were the only people in our families to know about our infertility and IVF, except my brother and his girlfriend.
• We told our parents and 3 of our 4 siblings about the pregnancy right away.
• We never had a chance to tell my sister-in-law before we found out things weren't looking so good.
• After we were sure a miscarriage was imminent, hubs called both of our moms and asked them to relay the news to our siblings- cautioning my MIL that SIL didn't even know about the pregnancy.
• Hubs also made it VERY clear on both calls that we had ZERO desire to talk about what happened, and that we'd prefer to be left alone until we were ready.
• For some reason MIL thought that this was a good time to share our infertility with SIL in addition to the miscarriage. But either forgot to mention or didn't stress nearly enough, that this was not something we wanted to talk about.

So, SIL calls hubs (at work no less) and starts talking to him about the miscarriage. Hubs, obviously not wanting to talk about this at work (or at all) gave quick one word answers as she proceeded to shove her foot in her mouth over and over.

"Have you guys thought about adoption?" ...Seriously, I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. At this time the week before I was pregnant! And no, in all three years of trying, adoption NEVER crossed our minds- thank you SO much for the original idea, you're a lifesaver. And PS, adopting a baby is not going to change the fact that we JUST lost a baby that we were already completely in love with.

"We have some friends who adopted from a couple different countries, and all along we just thought they were doing the 'diversified family' thing, turns out they can't have kids." ...Um,okay but if ever we ever make the huge decision to adopt, it would not be in an effort to treat our family like our stock portfolio, thankyouverymuch!

"We've been trying for a long time too, but we haven't seen a doctor or anything. So, I know how it feels" ...Guess what? You don't have any idea how it feels. Unless you've been in these shoes and faced the same things, please don't compare... and even then, it's different.


The first two I find absolutely asinine, while the third makes my blood boil. I do not understand why people think that being able to relate somehow makes it all better. Can you not just tell someone that your sorry and not turn a horrible thing into something about you? Especially when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. I completely understand sharing with someone that you've been there, but if you do... make sure that you really HAVE been there.  Last time I checked, not getting pregnant from unprotected sex is not at all similar to not getting/staying pregnant after investing thousands of dollars and 1.5+ years into fertility drugs and treatments.

Needless to say, although I hate that the hubs had to field a call like that, we are both glad it was him and not me. I would not have been even half as kind as he was, and the holidays would have been very awkward this year. I haven't seen her since the call, and I'm trying really hard to just get over it, but I can't seem to forgive her actions. Perhaps spewing it out on the Internet will be the first step.

A funny story...

Still not the one I promised....

Over the weekend my husband I decided it was time to work in our yard. It had been mildly neglected toward the end of summer as our life seemed to kind of spin out of control, and it was time to get out there and clean up a bit. He raked and mowed and I weeded. At some point I tweaked my back and spent the remainder of the day and part of the next laying on the floor in pain. But, by yesterday evening I was feeling well. This morning I wasn't in any pain at all, but this afternoon it hit like a ton of bricks- extreme pain. I tried laying flat on our hardwood floors, and while it did seem to help while I was laying there, getting up was nearly impossible. My husband suggested that I just sleep there instead of further injuring my back trying to get up. And while that at first seemed like a valid option, I then realized there was an issue with that plan.

A tampon.

His face was priceless when I told him that I wasn't sure how I'd change my tampon from the laying position.

I did finally manage to stand up and take care of business on my own, but for a few minutes there I thought we might be taking our relationship to a whole new disturbingly gross level. I know we've been through A LOT, but that would just be too far!

For better or worse, right?!?

Can't win 'em all...

Turns out blogging about your missing period is all it takes- she was ready and waiting when I woke up this morning. I've called my clinic and we are all set to start our cycle! I'll start birth control on Wednesday and be on it for a whopping 24 days, about a week before that is over I'll start lupron and I'll have my suppression check (AKA, the handing over of my bank account!) the day before Thanksgiving. I can't believe it is already almost November!

The title of this post is in reference to the rest of my morning. Insurance. I have a love hate relationship with it. I actually HATE talking about it on here because I know many of you would love to have my problems if only you'd get a little coverage, but I have to get it off my chest. I've called about the same claim probably 15 or 20 times now, and only today did they tell me how to fix the problem. I'm not exactly happy with the fix, but I'm so over fighting about it that I'll just eat the $163 and be done with it. It is all because of my trial transfer back in May. According to their infertility department it isn't a covered claim- it is to be 'inclusive' with the ER/ET. If I keep the claim and have it paid by the insurance it takes away one of my lifetime ART courses of treatment (because it is billed under the same coding as ET). If I have it removed, I'll have to pay for it out of pocket. It makes me a little angry, but at this point it is the difference of $163 or about $10k.... I think I'll just count my blessings and pay the dang $163. Insurance wins this one.

However, I while I was on the phone with the infertility department (who is IMPOSSIBLE to get through to) I asked a few questions that I'd been wondering about, and low and behold I was very pleased with the answer. Up until this point I'd been under the impression that if we ever had three or more embryos frozen that were of similar stage (in our case, day 6 blasts) then we would have to choose a frozen transfer over a third fresh cycle. This had been worrying me, because I know that we want more than one child and the scenarios were running through my head about what we would do at the end of this cycle depending on the number of embryos that were available to freeze and their grades. It turns out with our plan, it is a choice that will be made by our doctor and us, not the insurance company. I am hoping and praying with all I have that I never have to face another fresh cycle, but if I do, I know now that it is a choice we will be able to make.
........................
We have a fish tank in our guestbedroom/office that is making a horrid sound and I can't possibly sit in here and type out the insensitive-sister-in-law story, so you'll have to wait for another day!

Too controlled?

So, I took my last birth control pill on Wednesday morning, and here I am Sunday evening with not even as much as a single spot. It really doesn't matter too much, I'm pretty sure all it will mean is a few less BCPs as we prepare for this cycle- I was going to be on them a little longer than usual to push us out past the Thanksgiving holiday. But, it is still annoying. I'm hopeful just blogging about it will make it happen, that in addition to a couple hours at the gym in the morning.

Nearly every Thursday I think of the baby we lost. Thursday is the day I would've been another week pregnant, but this week I didn't think about it, and just now when I thought about it, I wasn't sure how many weeks I would've been. Of course I counted, and I'd be 16 weeks. At first it kind of made me sad, but after about two seconds of thought, it made me happy. It makes me know that I really am ready to do this all over again- no matter what. I honestly can't think of anything I wouldn't do for our babies at this point- any amount of pain and heartache will be worth it.

We recently converted the closet in our guest bedroom into a office niche. I'm loving it because it means eventually (read: once I get my act together) there were will be fewer things residing in our soon-to-be nursery. I also love it because our guest bedroom is one of my favorite rooms in the house. I love the decor in there, and that room is always neat and tidy. Its the perfect place to slip away, pay some bills, listen to some tunes and send my thoughts out onto the internet. Nearly the entire back wall of the niche is a bulletin board, and I think I'll fill a portion of it with quotes-- any suggestions?

I'm running out of pants...  Tonight the hubs and I decided that we should probably leave the house for a little bit and when I went to get dressed for a casual dinner I put on my smallest pair of jeans that I recently shrunk on accident and they are fitting kind of loose and are certainly too short for fall. They were ok at the end of summer with flips or cuffed with flats, but I think their days are numbered. I think I'll try to make my other jeans work for a little longer since the stim bloat is just a few weeks away. Then I can re-evaluated after Christmas... and hopefully start considering some maternity pants! Hello elastic waist band :)

As the hubs and I were talking at dinner I realized I had a story for y'all. Did I ever tell you the one about the insensitive sister-in-law just days after our miscarriage? I'll have to check, but I don't think I did... wow.

I'll save it for tomorrow.

And, I'll wait to blog tomorrow until after I've been to the gym so I can tell you who I raced.

Because I know you're dying to know.

(Can you say wildly schizophrenic post? Wow, I'm sorry!)

MIA...

I'm back! The hubs and I took a little trip, and now that we've returned I'll be returning to this little blog and my corner of the Internet. 

There isn't much to report, because we spent the majority of our time relaxing.... and it was glorious! 

In other news, I took my final BCP for our 'rest' cycle on Wednesday, and I'll start BCPs for our IVF cycle likely on Tuesday-ish. My pharmacist called this week to go over my drug order with me, all I'm going to say about that is I'm pretty sure angels were singing when I got off the phone with him. God bless insurance... about 50% of the time. 

The pumpkin carving party was a success- I didn't take any pictures. I'm lame. Maybe I'll take a picture of my pumpkin before her face caves in- its hilarious. 

Congratulations if you're actually reading this babbling- I promise to be back with something more interesting soon! 

In a year...

About once a month I randomly think to check out my blog archives and see what I was doing the previous year on that date.

One year ago today we found out that our first IUI cycle didn't work. I kinda of remember being sad that day, but mostly I remember turning the other cheek, and getting ready to do it all over again. I was determined.

In the last year, we've faced a few more failures and a short lived success. Since that day, we've done five more IUI cycles, two natural cycles, and and a round of IVF/ICSI. I've received five more phone calls relaying the news that I wasn't pregnant, one telling me I was pregnant, one telling me I might still be pregnant, one with the news that it didn't look good, one saying the pregnancy wasn't viable and to stop taking my meds, one relaying the news that my beta was under ten, and one that it had finally reached zero.

What a difference a year makes.

Even though we are in the same spot... not pregnant, we've learned a great deal about our bodies, and we've faced challenges that seemed unthinkable. We are stronger for it.

On Wednesday I'll take my last birth control pill for our 'rest cycle' and we'll officially our second IVF cycle just a few days later. I'm excited, but it doesn't take away the bit of anxiety that is in the back of my mind thinking- what if it happens again? But, I keep reminding myself I have two choices:

1. Quit because I'm scared
2. Face my fears

If I learned anything from the trials last summer brought, it was that I'm plenty capable of facing my fears, and if it all happens again- I'm also plenty capable of pulling myself back up.

Racing...

So, racing (I'm not sure I can call it that since the other party never knows that it is occurring) has become my new normal at the gym. It encourages me to work a little harder, and it's a game... who doesn't like a game? I feel like I should give you a little glimpse into the demographic that is at the gym M-F around 8:30 or 9am.

There are two parts... neither of which do I currently fit into.

My gym is in the heart of a upper middle class neighborhood, where stay-at-home moms are plentiful. These ladies pretty much over take the gym around 9 or 9:30. I attempt to either beat them there, or arrive after they've gone home to feed and nap their children. It isn't that I don't like them, more than anything its me being jealous of them... that, and they loudly talk about how 'green' and 'organic' they are. And THAT is annoying!

The second part of this group is men and women over the age of 70. Bless their hearts for making their way to the gym every morning. I love them. I love watching these elderly couples walk around the indoor track hand in hand encouraging each other. Melts my heart every.single.time.

The second group is ideal for racing! This morning I was on an elliptical at one end of the track. Each time I'd see the person I was racing I'd set a goal for myself. Usually I'd attempted to go a quarter of a mile before they made their way back around, which surprisingly enough, is totally doable when you choose someone who is using a walker... even if the track is 1/14 of a mile :)

This is how I pass the time. It makes it go by a little quicker and pushes me to work a little harder. When I'm not 'racing' I'm envisioning two little embryos snuggling into my uterus :)