Rear View Mirror

For the past couple of years my husband and I have been talking about getting a new car. We've both been driving our college commuter cars, and to be honest they are on their way out. They both have several problems and things that should be fixed, but instead we just keep driving them.

Awhile ago, we decided on the car we would buy once we were ready to make the purchase.... an Outback. This was back before we knew it would be FOREVER before we had babies. I settled on this car dreaming of car seats and family vacations, and while it is still my car of choice, I just can't do it. We have recently had several set backs with both of our cars and nearly EVERYONE we know has told us that we need to buy a new car.

It is just too hard right now, and I don't want to do it. This infertility thing is hard enough without looking in the rear view mirror of a STATION WAGON and not seeing car seats.

I just can't do it.

I'm not there yet.

Thankful.

Today I am feeling thankful for the life I am living. I've been blessed in so many ways, and often choose to dwell on the areas where I haven't been blessed just yet. So, in honor of one of my favorite times of year, here is my list of things I'm thankful for today in no particular order.....

A husband who meets me where I am on a daily basis. My range of emotions is huge these days, and he ALWAYS does his best to understand and be there for me.

A spike in my BBT this morning. Just like any good infertile woman, my mood is following suit!

The return of hopeful feelings.

A home that is perfect for just the two of us. I'm glad we went with a smaller house, a bigger home would feel so empty without babies.

Insurance. Better insurance than most people facing this struggle have. Although I hope and pray that we wont need the covered treatments, I am glad to know that it is an option.

My husband's job. He is the provider for our family, which allows me to be at home. It means the world to me that my dream of being home with our kids will be a reality someday.

My faith. There is no way I could face each new day of this battle without the strength that comes from it. It calms my heart. It reminds me to trust and have faith. It reminds that there is a plan for me, one that I am not the author of.

A Room with a Purpose.

When we found our home I quickly chose the room we would someday (hopefully) use for a nursery. Before we moved into the house I considered leaving the room empty, or at least not filling it to the brim and hanging things on the walls. But as moving day approached, and I wasn’t pregnant, I decided to throw caution to the wind and fill the room with the things that make me happy now in the midst of the pain and suffering that is infertility.

I sew in that room, I read in that room, I dream in that room, I write this blog in that room, and I pray for babies in that room.

The room, like my life, is full. It is a constant reminder of what I don’t have, but it also reminds me that I am abundantly blessed and shouldn't take any of it for granted. Someday this room will have a new purpose, but for now it makes the journey a little easier.

Thrilling.

My heart flutters, my breathing seems off and a huge smile washes over my face...

It is positive.

It is two pink lines.

It is thrilling.

It is an ovulation test.

Maybe it's because it is a sight that I long to see (on a HPT), or maybe it's because it is an indication that my lady parts are indeed functioning properly or better yet perhaps it is because I absolutely hate to fail and when it comes to getting pregnant, the only test I can pass is an OPK. I don't think I can portray the excitement any better than Carla Tate does in this clip (please excuse the poor quality it is the only one I could find.)

The joy is so raw, uninhibited. Most of the time I feel a little more like Daniel, but on the day I see that positive result, I feel like Carla in her swan costume... accomplished!

If this is thrilling, what will the real thing be like?

Ornament Tradition

Before my husband and I were married, we started a tradition of buying each other a Christmas ornament each year. Some years we’ve each just picked something that the other would like, while others we try to purchase something that would remind us of that particular year. I’ve already bought his ornament for this Christmas and it is reminiscent of the past year.

Recently, while I was thinking about the ornament I bought, I began thinking about what he might buy me this year. Sure something house or sewing related would be fitting, but my thoughts went somewhere else completely. The ornament that I was picturing was the metallic kind that seems to come in every shape imaginable, except maybe the shape I was thinking about. I couldn’t get it out of my head; it was a uterus complete with fallopian tubes and ovaries. Although it would be fitting and downright funny, it might be a bit tricky to explain to our family and our future children!

OPKs...

who knew it would be so hard? I mean seriously, I can usually hold it like it is my JOB. When I substitute teach I typically don’t use the restroom for an entire day, yet for the 7 days a month that I test LH (luteinizing hormone) by dipping an OPK into a cup of urine, it is darn near impossible for me to hold it for a measly four hours.

Just add one more thing to the list of TTC antics that make me feel just a tad insane. Oh well, someday it will be worth it.

Breaking Point.

There has to be one, and I think I'm almost there. I am pretty much terrified of the holiday season. It is inevitable that someone will ask us when we are going to have kids, it happens every year, and until now I brushed it off with a giggle. It isn’t that easy anymore. Now it feels like a dagger. I am nervous beyond belief that one of these days it is just going to be too much and I am going to make a fool of myself by screaming at the top of my lungs…

“Stop asking. It is NONE of your business, but if you must know we’ve been trying for X amount of months and I’ve tried XYZ treatments. It is painfully hard, and every time you ask I die a little more inside. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

I can’t promise that in the moment it wouldn’t also be littered with expletives, but I can promise anyone within ear shot would think I was certifiably crazy. Cross your fingers with me that I make it to 2010 with my dignity.

Skipping Christmas

Although it sounds like a great idea this year, I don’t think I have the guts to actually do it. I don’t mean that I would like to skip Christmas all together, but staying home this year and enjoying it with my husband sounds like a nice change. Maybe it is because I am already dreading all of the questions that inevitably come at holiday gatherings, or the near constant talk about the new babies in our family, or maybe it is because I feel like the only person I can truly be myself around these days is my husband. It would be nice not to pretend on my favorite holiday of the year.


Sound pathetic? I agree. I should buck up. I have a choice to make; I can either choose joy or choose to be sad and resentful of my family. Although the first choice sounds much more appealing on a logical level, the latter is a little more realistic of where I am at right now. I am not interested in pretending. I am sad, and I am tired of smiling about it.

I've got nothing.

I’ve been trying for the past hour to write something worth reading, but I just can’t do it. So, instead of forgetting all of the topics in which I was attempting to write, I will just post a list of things that are coming once I can actually have a creative thought….

OPKs- who knew it would be so hard?

Skipping Christmas- I don’t have the guts, but I would LOVE to.

Breaking Point- there has to be one, and I think I am close.

Oddly Therapeutic.

Chocolate Milk is my cure-all.

If you want to make me mad, try this.

If this is thrilling, what will the real thing be like?

Emotionally Exhausted

Ornament Tradition

How much is too much?

Take your advice, and stuff it.

So many great ideas, but as I wrote it all sounded rather boring. It is a rainy cold day; perhaps once I’ve got some chores done I will sit down again and make another attempt at a witty post.

UP

I just watched the movie for a second time, and loved it just as much as the first. I found myself fighting back tears in the beginning of the story while the young couple was struggling with infertility. I walk in those shoes everyday, I understand the pain. To see it portrayed in animation makes it seem that much more common to me, I’m not alone.

Although infertility is most bluntly portrayed at the beginning of the film, it is certainly a theme throughout. In a movie that is constantly on the move, you can pick out the places where Carl and Ellie’s childless life and struggle with infertility are being referenced by noticing the stillness. It begins after the scene in the doctor’s office; Ellie is outside sitting still with her eyes closed. I am guessing that both children and those who have not struggled with IF may not notice the ongoing theme, but for me, I felt what Carl and Ellie were feeling in those moments and connected with them.

Infertility isn’t something that is neat and tidy. It can’t be packaged into one moment in time and then forgotten, it changes you. It morphs your view on so many things, and I think that the writers did a fabulous job portraying that.

The story is not just one of heartache and loss, it is one of hope. Although Carl and Ellie’s life doesn’t end up as they had dreamed, we know in the end that they did have a pretty fantastic life. At the end of the movie Carl sits down in his chair and looks back at the Adventure Book. It isn’t until then, in the stillness, that he realizes what he did have was great despite the things that he didn’t.

It’s a tough hand of cards to be dealt, but with the right attitude sometimes the worst hand takes the pot.

I will hold you.

It seems fitting that I fell in love with this song yesterday afternoon, and last night I found myself wandering in the dark and pouring rain hand in hand with my husband….

When the Rain Comes

Third Day

When the rain comes

it seems that everyone has

gone away

When the night falls

you wonder if you shouldn't

find someplace

To run and hide

Escape the pain

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes

you blame it on the things that

you have done

When the storm fades

you know that rain must fall

on everyone

Rest awhile

It'll be alright

No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you

I can't stop the rain

from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain

But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes

I will hold you

Simple.

Although I don't have the one thing that I long for more than anything, I do have a lot. A lot that I take for granted. Tonight my husband reminded me of that. What started out as an errand, turned into dinner, which turned into a walk in the rain. For a few moments tonight all of my worries melted away and I felt lucky. As we walked in the rain hand in hand life seemed so simple. For the first time in a long time, my thoughts were not consumed with IF (infertility), I was just happy. Pure and simple, happy. I need to spend more time being thankful for the things that are going right in my life, and let the things that aren't just slide for a little while. It's worth it. Joy is worth it.
Tonight I am thankful for a husband that takes me as I am each day. Tears or a smile, it doesn't matter to him. All that matters is that I am his. Someday he will be a fantastic Daddy. Someday.

Awesome.

Twenty trips to the bathroom and hot flashes. Clomid. Awesome.

On the brightside..... at least I'll be prepared for menopause.

It could be worse.  :)

Names.

I know, I know- get pregnant FIRST, then worry about names. Not to worry, I am not spending my days thinking of names for the babies that are not yet conceived. However, I have been spending a lot of time in prayer and reading my bible during the last few months. In that time I have become drawn to several names that I feel are now contenders for middle names. Someday.


Job, Micah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Elizabeth, Hannah and Sarah

“By his light I walked through darkness”
- Job 29:3

“You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away”
- Job 11:16

“I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for my God my Savior; my God will hear me.”
- Micah 7:7

“The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for him.”
- Isaiah 30:18

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
- Isaiah 41:10

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord”
- Jeremiah 29:11

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”
- Jeremiah 17:7

The three female names I listed above are the three women in the bible that struggle with infertility- seems fitting.

Already?

I am guessing that it is another effect of the increased clomid dose, but seriously ovulation pain already? It is only cycle day 10 and righty is already giving me grief. It is probably wishful thinking, but I am going to assume it is just hurting because there is going to be a huge, lush egg released in a few days that is begging to be fertilized. Judging by the early pain I wouldn't be surprised if I ovulate a few days earlier this cycle. Thank goodness for OPKs!

My mood is lifting. I was terribly sad about this being my last cycle with my current doctors office, but I am realizing that it isn't the end of the world. However, I do think if I don't get pregnant this cycle I may like to take a little time before I jump on the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) bandwagon. The last 6 months of treatment have been an emotional roller coaster- maybe it would be a good idea to lay off the crack for the Christmas season? I don't know, I will probably change my mind about 50 times between now and then.
For now, this is where I am...

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him" Psalm 37:7

Trust.

I feel like there is a good reason why God hasn't blessed us a baby just yet. Even though I may not know what that reason is, I want to trust in Him.

I am at the point in this journey where it just seems like the suitcase I am dragging behind me is too heavy to drag any further (which is not uncharacteristic of me in the least bit.) I am thankful that I worship a God who is willing to pick me AND my suitcase up and carry us when life gets to be too much.

Maybe not better, but different....

I have no idea who wrote this,

I just ran into a few days ago when I was searching for something IF related...

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers
and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned
over and over again.

Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day
for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot
or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision
with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power
of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to
accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion
that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. Someday.

I hate Clomid.

Nauseated.
Throbbing head.
Dizzy.
Starving, but nothing sounds or looks good.

I know, I should suck it up and remember that it will all be worth it, someday. But somedays, I would rather just wallow in the suckiness of it.

Note to self, when your dose is increased by 50% side effects increase by 2,000%.

Someday.

A good laugh...

As I sat on the futon today with a pounding clomid headache and that nauseated feeling that seems to come just hours after the first dose, I found this funny little list.

You know you are infertile when....

• You can say words like vagina, semen, cervical mucus without even flinching.
• Your nurse knows you when you call.
• You know every acronym that has anything to do with TTC.
• You can tell the doctor your temperature to a hundredth of a degree.
• You've stopped thinking of days in terms of actual dates, and have started going by cycle days alone.
• You refuse to purchase tampons until it is too late.
• You refuse to go into a hot tub in fear of hard boiling your eggs.
• Your mood is in direct correlation with the line on your BBT chart.
• You've said the words "forced marital coitus" to your husband.
• You've completly filled the "nusrery" with other things in hopes of moving them out soon.
• You plan family visits and events around ovulation.
• You have zero time for complaining mothers or pregnant women.

Check, check and check. It is my life right now, I might as well laugh about it.

Seeing the bright side...

Chin up, chin up everyone likes a happy face

wear it, share it, it will brighten up the darkest days

twinkle, sparkle, let a little sunshine in

you'll be on the right side looking on the bright side

up with your chinny-chin-chin!

Easier said than done, but I am trying my best to look at the positive side of my current situation. I am praying that this cycle will just be a success, so I don't have to see a specialist. The thought makes me sick. I really dislike going to the doctor in the first place, and the thought of starting over makes me exhausted. I know that ultimately if I don't get pregnant this cycle, it will be a step in the right direction to move on, but it just seems like I'm about to walk into a dark cave of unknowns. I am terrible at being in situations where I'm not in control and don't have a plan laid out in front of me.

Maybe that is exactly the lesson I should be learning in all of this; lose control and accept the unknown, all the while being faithful, trusting and unquestioning of My God. I have often wondered how a God that loves me and protects me could let me hurt so much during this struggle, but then I remember that He has a plan for me, He has gone before me, He hears me crying out in prayer. One day I will understand the struggle, when my heart and mind are ready.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper youand not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Death Sentence.

At least that is what it feels like. I know "it is a step in the right direction" in the words of my amazingly supportive husband, but it feels so much worse. You know it isn't a great sign when the nurse calls you and begins the conversation with "I have NO IDEA why you are not getting pregnant." Great thanks neither do I. Then she dropped the bomb. This is my last medicated cycle with their office. In the future I will need the help of a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Fantastic. My NP agreed to let me do one last cycle of clomid and pulled out all the stops increasing my dosage to 150mg on days 3-7. Although I am thrilled that maybe this will make my eggs a little stronger, a little more mature and a little more prepared to make a baby, I am worried about the pain that is sure to ensue around ovulation. I guess only time will tell. Must.Stay.Positive.

Waiting.

to hear from the doctor. I had my husband fax my chart to the office this morning. One of my least favorite things about TTC at this point is waiting for the nurse to call and tell me what this cycle holds. Is it more blood work, pills, increased doses, invasive tests, an office visit? It is on this day of my cycle that I am most on edge. Waiting for the phone to ring and TWHC to come up on the caller ID... I want to throw up.