Thursday, September 22, 2011

What should have been...

I should be twelve weeks today. I should be at that magical point in my pregnancy where it is 'safe' to share the news openly. The point where you no longer need to be selective about what you say and who you tell. I've been looking forward to this day for years. Sharing our happy news. Instead there is nothing to tell, we lost our baby 6 weeks ago.

It sucks.

I'm getting out of town for a few days. I need a change of pace, and change of scenery. I need to deal with these feelings and I'm thinking a nice long drive with the windows down and the music turned up just might be the perfect medicine.

Don't get me wrong, the good days far out number the hard ones. It feels weird when a wave of hurt or sadness comes, because honestly for the most part, I really am doing well. I spend most days happy, looking forward to everything that is on the horizon for us. I think that is why it catches me so off guard- I have a new normal, and it isn't sadness.

So, excuse me while I step away for a few days. I'm going to spend time with a girlfriend I've known since elementary school. She just gets me, she knows the whole story and although she hasn't been in this exact situation, she certainly knows heartache, hurt and a struggle. Her faith is amazing, and I'm sure she'll be exactly what I need right now. Hopefully I'll return with a renewed spirit and a heart that is ready to take on all of the exciting things that are heading our way in the next several weeks. I'm confident I will. I just need a little time.

And one more thing... I've now called our insurance company NINE times about the same claim.... from MAY! Nine times. If it isn't fixed this time I don't know what I'm going to do. Seriously. I felt a little sorry for sweet Megan on the other end of the phone line yesterday because she was on the receiving end of my frustration from the previous 8 phone calls... but for the love, what is it going to take?!?! A TRIAL embryo transfer does is not equal to a FULL A.R.T cycle. I know that you have no idea how big of a deal this is, but FIGURE IT OUT!

Ahhhhh, much better! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

Ok.. maybe one more thing, Prov.era and weight gain? In the past I've taken prom.etrium and I don't remember having this issue. I was losing like 2 lbs a week, and now this week I'm up FIVE! It is killing me. I don't know that I've ever gained on fertility drugs- hopefully when I swallow the last pill tonight it will all magically melt away. Anyone else have this problem?

10 comments:

Tiffany said...

Have fun getting away! It sounds like just what you need, some time with a girlfriend. Yes, I gained weight with provera. I don't know if it all is contributed to it, but I was on it for 3 months in a row, and gained approx 10 lbs. I think it's normal...and your body will regulate and go back down!!

Jessica said...

Hope you have a great getaway. There is nothing like hanging out with a friend that really gets you. You are in my thoughts!

Veronique said...

Hello, I stumbled upon your blog and all I can say is: Wow! I`m so sorry for what you`ve been going through. I can`t imagine how hard this all must be! :(

Veronique

http://lifeasaluce.blogspot.com/

E and R said...

I was the same way - the sad days would sneak up on me, seemingly out of nowhere, and almost always on those 'milestone' days. A road trip with a great friend sounds like just what the dr ordered! Have fun!!

Joys Truly said...

I hope you and your friend have fun this visit. Sorry about the weight gain, so effing annoying. Hopefully you'll be going back down after that last pill.

L said...

Enjoy your time away. I always think it's amazing how just getting away from your regular routine can help you feel completely different about something.

K said...

those important dates suck, but you are doing wonderfully! Yes there are sad days, but the happy days outnumber them and I truly believe that is the only way to move forward. Enjoy your break - it will be fabulous!

JM said...

I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing weekend to reset. I bet a lot of the feelings are coming out of the extra progesterone floating around your system right now.

As for the weight gain, I never had that on provera. Just stims.

Kylie said...

It is the hardest on the "milestone" and anniversary days. Most of the time it isn't a conscious thought, but I still can't look at anything about the KerrBloom baby- mine was due the week before and it just hurts to be reminded of the fact that there is nothing.

The specialist I see (who wasn't my Dr at the time -I fell pregnant very easily back then) did make a comment to the effect of- it doesn't matter how many children you have, you will still always remember the ones that didn't make it, which was more sensitive than my rendering is. Everyone does deal with grief differently, but I was surprised at how much there was for something that was still so small

Amber @ Luv and Laughter said...

Hope you had a great visit with your friend. From what I remember I didn't have any weight gain on provera.