Hooray!

I just got home from my suppression check/anesthesia consult/tattoo drawing/bank account draining appointment......

Everything went perfectly. Here's the run down-

First I had my ultrasound- 13 follies on one side and 14 on the other. The largest on both sides was around 6mm. With the number potential follies, my doctor decided it would be best to reduce the starting dose of foll.istim. So instead of starting at 150iu, I am starting at 75iu (the same as I did for 2 iuis) and I'll go back for a scan on Monday morning bright and early.

After the wanding, I met with my nurse to check in about any symptoms or side effects from the drugs and then she proceeded to draw a couple of black circles on my behind so hubs has a target come Saturday morning!

Next up, a relativity uneventful blood draw (still waiting on the results) and on to have my vitals taken. I am doomed with my blood pressure at this clinic. She weighed me (2 more lbs down!!!) and then this alarm starts going off and she says something under her breath about another fire alarm- then after we realize it isn't an issue she sits me down to take my blood pressure. It was high again, but my nurse confirmed that although high it wasn't too high for IVF so she led me back to the back of the clinic where the ER/ET happens to meet with the anesthesiologist.

I was super surprised at how large the clinic really was beyond what I normally see when I'm there for an ultrasound or blood work. There were several recovery rooms and I also got to peak into the procedure room where the ER happens. I met with the anesthesiologist really quickly and just went over any concerns (none) and what the day of the ER would look like and she sent me back to the front office to pay my bill.

We had decided to pay for the uncovered portion of our cycle with a miles credit card so that we'd at least get rewards for spending so much money. I reluctantly got my card out of my wallet waiting for her to tell me the total, and was VERY pleasantly surprised when it was about $1500 less than I had been previously quoted.... HOORAY!

So, it was great news all around today. Lots of follies, cleared to start stims on Saturday and less $$ than we thought! Happy Belated Birthday to me!!!

Relaxing...

I spent the afternoon enjoying a nice birthday pedicure. I didn't really need one because I was just there a couple of weeks ago, but who doesn't love someone rubbing hot rocks on their feet and legs for 90 minutes? So relaxing!

On a less relaxing note, I have a lame rash/breakout on my chest. I'm wondering if it is from one of my meds, but nothing I'm taking right now has changed in the last couple of days (other than stopping BCP) that doesn't make any sense does it? I'm not one to breakout. I have an occasional blemish, but this is not typical for me. I'm sure it is nothing to worry about, but it is just annoying!!!

Suppression check tomorrow morning... I'm sure I'll be back with an update once I'm home again :)

Hopefully The Last....

Cycle day one.

Thankfully, this means everything up until this point has worked as it should have.

Next step, making sure there are no cysts and everything looks normal and quiet in the 'ole pelvic cavity on Thursday.

It is weird to think that in less than a month I'll have had eggs retrieved, and our sweet embryos back inside of me :)

The Facts of Life...

Probably one of my top ten favorite shows of all time.....

Some days are certainly easier than others in this journey with infertility. Some days it is the emotional side that is nearly too much to bare, others its the side effects from drugs and treatment and still others it is simply not really wanting to do the things it takes to get to the place you want to be.... you know, like jamming needles into your body or being violated by the ultrasound wand for the umpteenth time!

Today was one of those days. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was, but my stomach was in some serious turmoil. I assume it was from one of the many meds, but all I could think all day was how thankful I was to be home! Luckily for me I had cleaned up the house yesterday after our BBQ (which was SUPER fun by the way!) so today there was very little that needed to get done. Which meant paying a few bills, doing a few dishes and taking an afternoon nap :)

Did I already blog about my dramatic lu.pron injection on Friday night? Nope, looks like I didn't.... lets just say it took me almost an hour to get the nerve to shove that needle through the skin. Keep in mind that was lu.pron injection number five and about the fiftieth belly injection that I've done- it was seriously WAY harder than any other time. I think it was just one of those days where I was mad that I was even having to do injections. After about 4 calls to my husband in the living room, in ice pack and about 6 alcohol swabs I managed to get it done. The bonus was there wasn't any itching or a welt that night, which made the idea of doing it Saturday night MUCH easier.

I'm glad at this point I know to expect the rough days, but I also know to expect that those days will quickly come and go. Although there are hard days, at this point in our journey there are many more good/easy days than bad days. We've finally reached that point. We've accepted where we are- enjoying the good and taking the bad with a grain of salt.

DONE!

When we decided to start trying, taking that last birth control pill felt so great. Tossing that package into the garbage and not calling in a refill, that felt good too. Our family was going to grow, and we were SO excited!

Today, just a month shy of three years later, I did it all over again. It felt even better the second time around :)

One less pill to take... that takes the pill/injection count down to 11! Still ridiculous, but I am celebrating small victories at this point!!!

Change of Heart...

After the events that unfolded last night, I may have had a brief breakdown. It wasn't huge, and I'm pretty sure the main reason I was upset was because one of my first thoughts was, 'what if this IVF doesn't work and she ends up having a sweet little baby right around the time I should be having a sweet little baby?' I HATE that this was even a thought, because it hasn't even been an option up until now. I honestly have just been throwing all of my energy into being hopeful and not really allowing myself to go there.

So, this morning, I am making a conscious choice to go back to yesterday, before the announcement. I am not going to allow this to make my mood take a speeding downward spiral into a poor me state of mind. No thank you. I'd rather spend these days thankful for the opportunity to pursue IVF and our family. Sure, I'm a slave to my pill box, but it is all of a good reason, and I need to remember that. This IS exactly what I want, even when it is hard and wearing.

Last night I had exactly the dream I needed to have. A dream that our baby/babies were here! I say babies because there were two little girls that looked to be the same age running around our home. I called one by name, and it was our second girl name. Our front runner girl name is nonnegotiable. I honestly can't imagine having a daughter and NOT naming her this name. It has been my absolute favorite for YEARS and it has since become very popular, but I don't care. So, this makes me fairly certain that we had twin girls- exactly what I've thought we would have from the moment we decided to do IVF. Crazy to think that is a few weeks we will know if this will be our reality!!!

Here we go again...

Tonight as my husband was talking to his sister and inviting her to our BBQ over the weekend she announced that she's pregnant. My first reaction... well, it isn't suitable for this blog. After a wee amount of swearing and hard feelings my husband reminded me that her and her husband did try for years to get pregnant with a second child, but in the last few years had put the breaks on their attempts. So even though I am not looking forward to listening to all of the baby excitement that is about to ensue with his side of the family... I can only pray that I don't have to listen to it this weekend while I attempt to celebrate my birthday.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Another step closer...

• We're done with our IVF classes! We've officially been schooled in everything IVF from the basics of the procedures to how to mix medications and inject them.
• Two more birth control pills to go.
• My birthday is next week, so we are having a BBQ this weekend to celebrate and as an added bonus I'll be super busy between now and then- NOT thinking about IVF!
• Um, lu.pron is not my favorite. About 2 minutes after the injection goes in it begins to itch like mad and a little welt forms...no thank you!
• Next up on our list... suppression check and anesthesia consult next Thursday- Also known as the day I sign my life away and leave a bunch of money at the clinic.

Real.....

There have been many points over the course of the last few months that have made IVF feel more and more real... like it is actually going to happen, and may actually WORK! First it felt so real after our consult when we agreed that this was it- time to bite the bullet and move on in treatments. Then it got a little more real with the testing cycle. Then when I started birth control after doing nothing for weeks, it felt so real. Last night as I effortlessly injected myself with Lupron (does it sting like mad, or is it just me???) I laughed to myself when I thought.... Gosh, this is starting to feel very real! I'm sure there will be moments like this in the coming weeks, but for now I am just going to do my best to live in present, because for the first time in a LONG time I'm hopeful and incredibly calm.

Ps... If you're wondering how I fared last night at our injection class, I am happy to say my body was not on the receiving end of any needles until I got home and did my first Lupron injection!!!

Relaxing Weekend...

We had been planning to go away for the weekend, just to get out of town one more time before things get busy with injections and monitoring appointments. We planned to head north, watch some baseball and just spend time together. Lucky for us, our trip ended up falling the weekend after nephew #2 was born. My brother and his wife live fairly close to where we were headed, so it ended up working out for us to meet the new little man as well as have some much needed time alone!

We had dinner at a great little Mediterranean restaurant on Friday night, and then headed to our hotel for the night. It was so nice to hang out with the hubs and really not have anything to worry about. Saturday morning we went to our favorite little french bakery, had breakfast and then made our way to my brother's house so we could snuggle our new nephew and play with his two year old big brother. After playing and having lunch together we headed back into the city for the baseball game. Sunday we took our time getting ready and stopped at some of our favorite places on the way home.

It was a great weekend and now I'm feeling nice and calm and rested for what is ahead.... tonight we have our injection training, and afterward the first dose of lu.pron will be injected!

Yesterday...

a pedicure

lunch and shopping with my best friend

and a sonic lemon berry slush

it was in a word, perfect!

Its The Little Things...

I spent yesterday morning catching up on a little sewing, picking up my house before my friend comes over this morning and getting a little more organized with my drug inventory. Next week I start the next phase of medications and I thought it would be a good idea to get organized and check for the tenth time that I had everything I needed.

After getting those drugs organized I decided to see what exactly I could look forward to (ha!) in the progesterone department. I knew it was a suppository, and I knew I had to do it three times a day, but this time it came in a box instead of just the normal prescription bottle like it had in the past. I opened to box to find applicators!! I cannot even express how happy this made me. If you've taken vaginal progesterone suppositories without an applicator you can understand my joy, if you haven't, try not to think about it.... its pretty gross!

Of course I would go the applicator-less route any day if it got me out of PIO, but I am THRILLED that I managed to get out of BOTH of those gems... at least for now :)

A list..

• 8 birth control pills down, 9 to go!
• I am obsessed with Toobz on my iphone.
• The next wave of medications starts on Monday.
• I've crossed a bunch of stuff off my list for the week, I love that feeling
• I purged my closets for a garage sale we are going to have in a couple weeks. After all, we're going to need to combine the guest bedroom and office very soon :)
• I hate weeding, but I love the way it looks when it is done.
• I'm starting to look for new furniture... our living room is a pain when it comes to placing furniture, it is proving to be just as tricky as I thought it was going to be. We've been putting it off for almost two years now!
• My nephew was born yesterday!
• If you thought the the lup.ron drama was over, you were wrong.
• Extreme couponing is intriguing.
• Life is a little on the boring side right now (obviously!), but I'm savoring it.

The Little Couple...

In the years leading up to my wedding (we were together 5 years before we were married) I watched just about every episode of TLC's A Wedding Story. After our own wedding I started watching A Baby Story... I stopped watching that a couple of years ago once I got tired of hearing about how all of these women got pregnant without trying or in their first month off birth control. They were obviously living in another universe! On to the next show... I saw a commercial for The Little Couple and decided to watch it because from the clip I was able to infer that they were seeking medical assistance of some kind to start their family. Last season ended with them deciding that Jen carrying a pregnancy was really not a great option, and that surrogacy would be their best option.

Last week I sat down with my lunch and I couldn't find anything good on TV, so I began searching the on demand section and found the first episode of the new season was there. Wondering how their journey was going I decided to watch....

All I can say is oh.my.gosh. (spoiler alert) I cannot imagine going through what they went through. First of all, they had already (prior to this taping) geared up for two retrievals and sadly had to cancel them due to a poor response. They finally had two good follicles during a monitoring ultrasound in Texas, so they traveled to LA where they were actually having the retrieval done. When they arrived at the clinic the doctor wanted to take a look via ultrasound at what they were dealing with and only found a single follicle and determined that Jen had already ovulated the other. In the 15 minutes it took to prepare her for the procedure to drain the other follicle she ovulated that one too.

I seriously can't even imagine that happening.

SO CLOSE. What is heart breaking is it isn't even an option for them to scurry back to their hotel room and have sex in order to catch those eggies that just dropped. Instead she will have to endure all of those drugs again in preparation to do this all over.

Dreamland...

After information overload at our IVF class last week we went to dinner, laughed about some comical parts of the class and then came home and snuggled into bed. Snuggled in for some of the most absurd dreams yet. I've shared some of my crazy dreams with you all before, and I'm pretty sure the ultrasound in Target still wins for ridiculousness, but this one is pretty great too.

So, to set the scene a little let me first take you back to the very first course I took in college. It was a math class for educators and my teacher happened to become one of my favorites, even if it was impossible to understand half of what she said through her Bulgarian accent. She was thin, dark haired and pregnant, all three characteristics of my current RE (well, she isn't pregnant anymore).

So in my dream I arrive at the clinic for my retrieval. I wasn't nervous at all, but was very tired and was wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt. I remember climbing onto a bed in the procedure room (fully clothed!) and then hearing a woman who looked like my doctor, but sounded just like my Bulgarian math professor talking on the phone. There were also two nurses in the room sitting in the corner chit chatting. I still had not had any medication, the IV had been placed, but wasn't current hooked up to anything. The bed was set at an odd angle and I kept falling off of it, and just barely being able to climb back onto the table because I was so tired. Every time it happened no one seemed alarmed and they would just would tell we I wasn't allowed to eat, drink or go to the bathroom so I might as well just try to sleep until they were ready.

After several falls I finally just curled up on the floor and went to sleep. When I woke up, my doctor was there and said that they were done and told me the egg count. I was still curled up in a ball laying on the floor of the procedure room completely clothed. I asked how that was possible from the position and the obvious obstacle of my clothing, and she replied that while it was a difficult angle, she made it work.

However, the kicker to the whole story (as weird as it has already been) is the fact that she preformed my ER while wearing flannel pajamas. Pink flannel pajamas. Pink flannel pajamas with kittens and balls of yarn on them.

Welcome to my dreamland! I can't wait to see what I muster up while I'm under sedation. I'm just praying I don't talk in my sleep :)

IVF 101

Thursday night we had the first of two IVF classes. It was about two hours of information about everything that is about to happen. The director of nursing and another nurse led the class and were joined later by the embryologist. Although we already knew the majority of the information that was presented, it was nice to hear it all again and kind of put it all together. The portion that the embryologist presented was pretty interesting, and we were able to watch a video of her preforming ICSI, which was pretty amazing.

There was only one brief moment of panic during the class. The nurse was going over the medications and said lupron needs to be stored in the refrigerator. I had picked up my drugs on Monday afternoon, and it was now Thursday evening... my leuprolide was NOT in the fridge. Uh-oh! Thankfully I buy my drugs from a local pharmacy and the pharmacist that I had just seen a couple hours earlier for longer menopur needles was at the class to answer questions and I was able to ask him refrigerating the leuprolide on a break. He assured me that it was likely fine, and told me to just check the vial for the refrigerate sticker when I got home. Thankfully everything is fine, and I don't need to buy a new vial!

The staff at our clinic is hilarious, it was nice to be able to laugh a little even though the topic was pretty heavy. Highlights included talk of being able to get pregnant even if there is only one twitching sperm in the corner and while talking about embryos not "falling out" describing the uterus and lining as a baguette spread with cream cheese.... seriously, is it necessary to ruin more food for me? I already have the hardest time eating eggs these days (EWCM). Cottage cheese was also mentioned, but you all probably have some idea what that one was in reference to. Needless to say, the tub that I have in my fridge will be finding its way to my garbage can this week... ICK! Overall, I'm glad we went. Next up is an injection class. Though I'm fully capable of a sub-q injection it will be good for hubs to practice IM injections.... hopefully not on my tush!

After looking over our new calendar I've realized that this week is my final "free" week. The last week that is completely free of appointments until sometime in late July.... what to do, what to do!?!?!? Perhaps we will go away for a quick weekend before the injections begin. But until then, I am pretty sure I will be cleaning and organizing up a storm. Something about a nice clean organized house just makes me feel so calm and stress free :)

PS... I've had two dreams about the egg retrieval since Thursday- I'll share the whole story later this week. For now all I'm going to tell you is it has to do with kittens, pink flannel and my Bulgarian math professor from college. Wowsers. Ridiculousness.

Another Funny...

I happened upon a blog a couple of years ago that was absolutely hilarious (in an oh.my.gosh kind of way). The blog hasn't been updated since sometime in 2008, but I promise you there are some gems in the archives. So, if you are in need a of a good laugh or a 'fertiles are so stupid' (because surely all of these stories are about fertiles!) moment... this is for you. It is pretty crude, graphic, may make you want to vomit, BUT also pretty dang funny times.

Enjoy!

Here We Go....

I've swallowed the first of many pills... 1 birth control pill down, 16 to go! Even though I know why I am taking birth control and can totally understand why it needs to be done, I feel so naughty taking something to prevent a pregnancy when the thing I want most in life right now is a pregnancy. Oh well, nothing about infertility really makes sense, I guess this is really no different!

Yesterday I sat down with all of the paperwork on the drugs that I'm taking and made sure they were all what I needed, made sure I knew when to take them and how to take them correctly. I realized that in addition to the thyroid medication and metformin (3x per day) that I already take I will at one point be taking 14 pills/injections/suppositories per day... I'm pretty sure this is going to call for a spreadsheet. I'm fairly sure my cell phone will be vibrating constantly reminding me to take something.

I am SO thankful that I don't have to work and will be able to be constantly at my pill box. Not to mention the side effects from these drugs- I don't know how you all manage to work full time and do IVF all at the same time. It feels like a full time job between appointments, constant medication consumption and trying to be stress-free and relatively relaxed about the process.

I love that I am not really feeling any apprehension about this cycle. We did six IUIs for one reason, I wasn't ready to step into IVF. After about IUI #3 we were pretty sure we'd be eventually moving on to IVF, but I just wasn't ready. Although I feel like we wasted some time, I do feel like it was a great choice us.

Another tiny step toward our baby/ies!!!!!

Shortage Averted....

I posted a week or two ago about being slightly concerned about the national shortage of Lupron. Thankfully, the local pharmacy that I use for my fertility medications (they specialize in fertility drugs) has taken matters into their own hands, and has started producing it in house. Unfortunately, this means that my insurance couldn't be billed for it, and it ended up costing me about 13 times what I would have paid as a copay, but I'm certainly not complaining! I would MUCH rather pay the $130 and have it, than have to worry about the $10 alternative arriving in time.

Thankfully there was only one issue with my order once I got it home and organized. Typically menopur is administered subcutaneously, but my doctor wants me to do it as an intramuscular injection, so the pharmacy accidentally gave me needles that are too short. We have part one of our IVF teaching this week, so I'll just swing by the pharmacy on my way and pick up the proper needles.

One of the nurses at the clinic emailed me an updated calendar yesterday, and it looks like we are just pushed out a week because my period was slow arriving. So on Wednesday I will toss a birth control pill down the hatch (for the first time in three years!!) in the name of making a baby.

Almost There...

You know you are totally at peace with IVF when you begin cheering when you see pink on the tissue rather than feeling an ounce of disappointment! That's right ladies ( and gentlemen??), AF is en route, but her sidekick Spotty Dotty has arrived! I'll call the clinic as soon as she's officially here (hopefully tomorrow!) then, birth control here I come!

We're getting SO close! Depending on how much AF's late arrival pushes us back, we will be finding out if this cycle worked (it's going to!) right around our 5 year anniversary, and the three year mark of trying to grow our family.

This week:
Start BCP's- Wednesday
IVF teaching- Thursday
Possibly nephew #2's birthday????

I Hate Waiting...

I don't think I have ever wanted to start my period so bad in my life....

Well, maybe that one time in college(19) when I had a very irrational fear that I was pregnant... keep in mind, I was a virgin on my wedding day when I was 23. And just because we are all thinking it... HAHAHAHAHA, pregnant without trying, let alone having sex... riiight!

Ok, maybe there is one other time.... but that was way back in 8th grade when EVERYONE had started there period, and I hadn't. Then once it happened, I found out what a pain in the rear it was and wished I had never wished it into existence.

I was expecting the lady in red today, but I guess I will just have to wait patiently.... or not patiently- even with all of the practice in patience I've had over the last several months, I still am not very good at it!