Question...

What would you do?

If your insurance covered 3 ART attempts (IVF or FET), and would allow a fresh cycle AND a FET (if the fresh doesn't work) to count as just ONE of those three in the event you elect to do a single embryo transfer, would you do it??

At our clinic the success rates for my age group are:

2 fresh embryos transferred- 80% chance of pregnancy- 65% chance of live birth, 50% of those births are twins.

With a single embryo transfer our success rates would go down by about 10%.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!?!?

Small World...

Back in February I wrote about running into someone I went to high school with at our fertility clinic. It was kind of an odd moment between us, because although we played volleyball together both at school and on club teams for the better part of 7 years, we were never really good friends. I haven't actually seen her again at the clinic, and assumed she worked in the andrology department.

Well, on Monday my phone rang and I noticed that it was the clinic calling. I assumed it was the financial office calling to go over the costs of IVF, but instead it was my doctor. I was surprised to hear her voice (I typically hear from her nurse) and she said she "had something she wanted to run by me." She explained to me that as they were going over upcoming cases that the nurse recognized my name, and approached my doctor telling her that she felt it was necessary to ask me if I was comfortable with her being part of my medical team at the ER and ET.

It turns out the reason I don't typically see her at the clinic is because she works in the surgical area. She typically is in the room with my doctor at both egg retrievals and embryo transfers. So my doctor reiterated over and over that if this was something that was going to stress me out we could work around it. In the end I said I didn't care. I mean it isn't like she doesn't already know all of our business. The only thing that she wouldn't see is... well, my you know. And as I told my husband... what's one more person seeing my lady bits? ... at this point it feels kind of like a show piece.

It is a little weird to think that this person that I've "known" for 17 years may potentially be in the room when I conceive, but lets face it, if you had told me ANY of this would happen ten years ago I would have thought you were nuts. So, why not make the story of our baby/babies' conception a little more twisted!

ABC's

I saw this on Josey's blog a couple days ago, and thought I would play along....

A. Age when you started TTC: 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.

C. Children wanted: Before infertility we planned on 3, but now we would be happy with one or two.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Nada.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I only take a prenatal.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Follistim and Ovidrel.... I will be adding a few more to the list soon!

G. Gain: I gained about 10lbs during our 6months of clomid about 1.5 years ago... since then I've lost that plus another 20.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: People bad mouthing their children and telling me how *LUCKY* I am to not have kids.

J. Job title: Officially, I'm a substitute teacher... but currently I spend most of my time at the fertility clinic or being a stay-at-home-wife.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: We have our names picked out, and are fairly sure we will use them no matter what at this point... unless of course my brother and SIL use one of our boy names in June.

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years 8 months

M. Miscarriages: None, thank God. Praying that answer never changes.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Never. I've seen one OB and one RE...though now I'm trying to figure out which OB or Midwife to use.

O. Ovarian quality: PCOS

P. POAS or wait for AF: I can almost always tell by my BBT... so usually I just wait for AF. I can't even remember the last time I used a HPT.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Are you pregnant yet?"

S. Sperm: Not the best, not the worst

T. Time you tried naturally: The first 9 months were natural, though I wasn't ovulating, so that was pretty much time wasted. Then 6 months of clomid followed by 8 more months of natural.

U. Uterus quality: So far, so good!

V. Vagina: Uh, good? I have no idea how to answer this question!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: There are a couple of tiny clothing items that have been put away for a VERY long time. Hopefully it will be time to get them out SOON!

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? recently our parents and a few close friends.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I do.

Z. Zits: Every once in awhile.

So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?

IVF...

There is something comforting about walking into a place you haven't been in four weeks and having everyone know you and ask you how you've been. In the future I would like those occurrences to NOT happen at a fertility clinic, but beggars can't be choosers I guess. Yesterday was our IVF consultation appointment.

We sat down with our doctor to discuss the risks, success rates and a timeline for the IVF cycle that is about to happen....

At our clinic, IVF is a three month process. The first month (hopefully starting at the end of next week!!) will be the testing/teaching phase. During May I'll have my baseline ultrasound, some blood work, an IVF class, an injection training, a practice transfer and an ultrasound to look at the blood flow to my uterus. Once I start another cycle (hopefully at the beginning of June) I will start birth control. My IVF nurse said that I will probably do two weeks of birth control then start lurpon and likely be moving on to stims the first week in July!

I've Lost It....

I think I've officially lost it!

I had another crazy dream a few nights ago. This time we'd done a fresh IVF cycle, and had some embryos to freeze. Our RE asked if we would like to go into the lab and see the tubes that housed our little snowflakes. When we walked into the lab it looked more like the hospital nurseries that you see in movies, the kind where all of the babies spend a good chunk of time in the nursery. Each one of our frozen embryos was in a test tube and each test tube was swaddled in a tiny piece of cloth, just like a baby. One of the oddest sights of my life.

Wow. Maybe I need to start thinking about something else :)

Goodbye Modesty....

Over the last nearly three (wow, that was painful to type!) years I've had several dreams where we have kids, but I don't think I've ever had a dream that I was pregnant. Well, Thursday night that all changed.....

I dreamt I was 6 weeks pregnant and we were going in for our first ultrasound. Seems pretty normal, right? It was until we pulled up to Target for said ultrasound. Weird yes, but I figured there would be a room set up near the pharmacy for this type of thing. Wrong. We walked in and found my doctor standing near the front of the store with a medical table and ultrasound machine. Upon noticing us she said the usual "undress from the waist down and hop up on the table." The weird part is, I was TOTALLY fine with it. The pants came off and I jumped up on that table excited to see what was hiding out inside in my uterus... one or two babes?!?! It seems important to also share that the 'business end' of things was pointed directly at the doors..... welcome to Target!!!

As soon as she started the ultrasound I started to cry... I could see them.... twins!! Later in the dream we shared the news with my husband's parents. Before telling them that we were expecting we first asked them 10 questions ranging from why they didn't have any bobble heads in their living room to what their favorite mnemonic device was. Seriously, WEIRD! Their reactions to the big news were pretty fitting... lots of tears and very few words.. until they both threw themselves on top of us. I woke up SO thrilled to have finally had a dream that I was pregnant and cracking up at the events that had just transpired!

While I am known to have crazy dreams from time to time, they usually occur when I am on some sort of fertility medication, which is not the case right now. I am taking this little dream to mean one thing... babies are on the way! I am just going to look past the crazy parts and focus on the main event :)

Holy Hope...

In the midst of Easter preparations, I found myself feeling sad about what is not present this Easter. We wont be filling baskets, buying white lacy dresses or hiding eggs, but in the middle of these 'poor me' thoughts I realized how much hope can be found in the Easter story.

As I was preparing to write this post, I googled Easter and Infertility. I happened upon a blog post from last Easter that is pretty dang close to what I was prepared to write. Please, click over to Pregnant with Hope and read this post. I promise, you will not be disappointed!

Let Him roll away your stone!!!

Endure...

I feel like when you are dealing with infertility you do a lot of enduring.

Endure: (v)
1.Suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently
2.Tolerate (someone or something)
3.Remain in existence; last

First you endure the diagnosis (or lack there of), then the treatments, the side effects, the set backs, the waiting, the negative results, another period and doing it all over again. I can't honestly say I've always endured infertility patiently, or that I've always tolerated it, but I've lived it and I'm still here.

I spent a little time with my good pal google and came up with some pretty inspiring quotes that I thought I'd share with all of you....

"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
.Christopher Reeve.
(Go ahead, add HERO to your resume... you deserve it!!)

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars."
.Og Mandino.

"It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience."
.Julius Caesar.

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward."
.Henry Ford.

“What was hard to endure is sweet to recall.”
.French Proverb.

Acupuncture?

Tell me what you think about acupuncture and IVF....

Did you do it?

If you used it, do you think it was worth it?

How often?

When did you start?

Was it just one more thing/appointment to stress you out?

Hope In Unlikely Places...

Over the weekend my husband and I saw The Kings Speech. Throughout the movie one word kept coming to mind over and over again...

Persevere:

to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.

In the midst of a movie that really had nothing to do with infertility, I was being prodded to see that the message could be easily transferred to my own life, my own struggles. Over and over I was reminded to not let the struggles of our circumstance take over. During nearly the entire movie I felt like someone was whispering in my ear.... 'Persevere- press on- you can do this.' The most important part is, I believed it. Deep down, I completely and totally believed it.

We WILL persist in this huge undertaking.
We WILL remember the purpose in spite of hard days and dejected spirits.

We WILL keep on.

We WILL persevere!

Hope...

You've heard of a "push present"... you know, a gift from the husband (significant other) to the mama after she goes through all the work of carrying a pregnancy and laboring to produce that little bundle of love.

Well... we obviously aren't there yet, but last night the hubs bought me this necklace as a little reminder to keep hope alive as we are staring down the barrel of our first IVF cycle.

I looked and looked on Etsy, and decided on this shop because it is obvious through some of the listings that at least one of these ladies has dealt with infertility. It was also evident that these ladies understand a struggle. I found sentiments like Endure, Hope, Courage, Wish, Be Still and Come What May... I could have purchased several things from them, but I decided to start here...

the r house couture

I love this necklace and can't wait until it arrives- Hopefully it will be here in time for our consult appointment on the 26th. Lord knows I will need a little hope after that conversation!

Funny About Love...

... have you see it? At some point I read a blog or article about movies involving infertility and added this movie to our netflix list. Well, I watched it last night.... talk about ripping your infertile heart right out of your chest! It was a good movie, and in general I think it did a pretty good job of showcasing the raw emotions of infertility and the treatments that we're all facing as we journey towards parenthood... but oh my goodness, have your tissues handy!

A few things...

I don't have much to say, so I thought I would just give a bullet point update from CD11 of a natural cycle....

• The hubs is going to be out of town for what will possibly be peak ovulation time... if I ovulate on my own this cycle. Oh-well.


• I managed to make it through the baby shower over the weekend. The guest of honor was kind of on my sh*% list before the shower, but that is a another post for another day.


• We sent a second email to our parents. It had been about a month since the first, and we felt like we should update them on the final failed IUI and that we are moving on to IVF soon.


• Two weeks until our IVF consult. This will also be my first appointment with my RE when she is NOT pregnant!


• I found out my sister-in-law is having a shower for baby #2. Although I really am happy for her and my brother, I am NOT really happy to be attending another baby shower which will be out of state AND on Mother's Day weekend. Lord help me.


• My best friend ended up ditching her duties helping get ready for the baby shower on Saturday, and instead she joined me for a wonderful pedicure and a nice long talk over lunch. I REALLY needed that.


• I've been very surprised that my in-law's response to all things IF, and have felt more supported by them than my own parents. I was super worried about it, and it has proven to be great.


• Every time I get in the car a super inspiring song comes on the radio. I am loving it!


• Not taking fertility drugs is amazing :)


• I love being able to go to the gym and do whatever I want without worrying about my growing ovaries!


• I am meeting a fellow IF blogger at the end of the week!


• My insurance company makes me CRAZY!

HA!

You know you've been trying to get pregnant for WAAAAYY too long when you find a coupon for pregnancy tests in your purse that EXPIRED last year! Awesome.

Skipping The Weekend...

I know it is an odd request, but I'm wondering if we could just skip the upcoming weekend and move right through to the following week? Whats that, you'd like to keep your weekend? Well, I guess if your going to be picky, maybe we could just skip Saturday.

If you hadn't already guessed, I have a baby shower to attend on Saturday afternoon. While I am extremely happy for the mama-to-be, I can't help but despise the idea of going and sitting in a room FULL of pregnant women ogling over tiny baby clothes. Unfortunately the shower had to fall 2 weeks after our final failed iui cycle. It would have been worlds easier to attend if I were still feeling hopeful in the 2ww, but why would things start going my way now?!?!

I think the part I hate the most is that I was asked to co-host this shower shortly after the pregnancy was announced early last fall. I confided in one of the other hosts that it would just be too difficult if I still wasn't pregnant and facing fertility treatments to make cute decorations and come up with fun party games. I had it all counted out and I knew when our last IUI would be approximately. I knew if those didn't work, that around this time we'd be moving on to IVF. Deep down I think I knew then that this is where we'd be. Maybe I jinxed myself!

Perhaps I deserve a pedicure on Saturday morning. You know, to relax a bit before heading into the lion's den. Too bad the majority of my friends are co-hosting the shower and will be together preparing for the big event. For some reason pedi's are always better when shared with a friend.

Ok, enough is enough. This pity party is O-V-E-R! I have 4.5 days to suck it up. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!

Twisted...

Is it sick at twisted that while I'm not even pregnant with our first baby I am already kind of freaking out about getting pregnant with the next one? My husband and I have agreed that if we get pregnant with twins when we do IVF, we will probably not ever seek fertility treatments again. The probability of us having twins is pretty stinking high, but part of me gets sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of doing this all over again. On the upside, at least I'd know what to expect.. you know, like 6 failed iuis. Is this normal? Those of you who would like for this elusive pregnancy not to be the ONE and ONLY, are you already worrying about subsequent possible pregnancies?!?

HELP ME!!!!

Who wants to tell me how to center the banner at the top of the page??? It is seriously killing me!

Blessings...

Everyday I receive an email from an organization called Sarah's Laughter. Sarah's Laughter in a christian group that supports women facing infertility and child loss. Some days I read the daily email, and some days they get slipped into a folder in my inbox and saved for a rainy day. Yesterday's email shared a couple of songs that have helped women through this difficult time facing infertility and I thought I would share of them with you today as well as the artist's story behind the song. I think she is right... we are being blessed in the midst of this pain and suffering.

3.5 Weeks...

I set up our IVF consultation appointment yesterday. In three and a half weeks, we will sit down with our doctor (she'll be back from maternity leave!!!!) and find out what is ahead of us. I've already read the folder of information because my favorite nurse slipped it to me during our last IUI cycle. So, I am feeling pretty knowledgeable about what is about to happen, but I'm sure I will have a few questions about what is coming. For me, making the appointment was one of the most difficult parts. It was like really admitting that we are not going to make a baby on our own. Through all of our IUI cycles, I always felt like if we got pregnant I wouldn't ever be able to say for sure if it was the actual IUI or the prescribed "covering your bases" sex that came after. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any problem with our baby/ies getting its/their start in a petri dish, I have grieved that loss. It is the admitting, out loud, to a person (the scheduler) other than my husband that IVF really is what is next. It just got a little more real. The packet has been read. The appointment is set. This is happening. Soon.