HSG...

Can I just say that from the moment those letters left the lips of my RE I have been nervous about this test?? I read several reviews of the test online and very few of them were positive. I started getting super anxious last night and this morning I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Now, I just feel dumb!

Seriously, it was no more painful than a regular trip to the gyno. Sure there was some cramping when the dye went in, but really it was not even close to the pain I read about. Perhaps it was because I had a Dr. that specializes in this specific procedure or maybe it was the 800mg of advil I took an hour before the test, whatever it was, I'm happy its over.

I think it is pretty amazing anytime I get to have a look at my insides. I got to see my uterus fill with dye and then spill out the end of both tubes... YAHOO!! She said that she didn't see any issues and that I may be more fertile this cycle.

Tomorrow I go for my mid cycle scan to check on my follies. I've been feeling some action in that general area today, but I am not sure if it is my ovaries or if it is the after effects of the dye. I guess I will find out tomorrow when I get another peek at the inside of my body.

Ordinary Days...

Don't you love how the most ordinary days are often the best?

Today I....

Woke up with a HORRIBLE stomach ache

Read my email with a warm cup of cider

Took and extra long, extra hot shower

Took the time to drive 40 minutes to one of my favorite stores*

Met my husband and some of his co-workers for lunch

Stopped at the store for a couple things for dinner

Bought a baby gift

Lit a yummy candle

Hung my new fall wreath on the front door

Started dinner

Got our bill from the first 3 weeks with the RE's office.... balance $0!!!

The only thing that could make this day better would be if I could go for a walk with the hubs and a pumpkin spice latte... Maybe we will fit that in over the weekend!

* Have you been to Real Deals? It is a super fun home decorating store that is only open two days a week. Google them and see if you have a store near you- the prices are phenomenal!!!

Time

Time is a funny thing. Although I'm not convinced that it "heals all wounds," I have to agree that sometimes it lessens the memories. Today's example: clomid.

After about a 9 months of trying to get pregnant I started the wonder drug. I did six cycles in a row and none of them worked. Well, they "worked" but I didn't get pregnant. What did I get? Hot flashes, headaches, clomid fog and the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away. However, about a year later when my RE suggested that we start our treatment with her by using clomid in conjunction with IUI I wasn't too worried. Clomid was a distant memory. Don't get me wrong I remembered that I DID NOT enjoy taking it, but I also had forgotten just how MUCH I hated it. Fast forward to yesterday when the first dose went down the hatch. I was fine for several hours, but when I went to bed I remembered my least favorite of all the side effects.... the hot flashes! Yuck. I am not a fan of sweating unless I'm working out. That being said, waking up with a damp shirt only an hour after falling asleep was a little concerning. At first I thought I was getting sick... then I remembered... Clomid.

BUT, as much as I don't like it, if it works I will sing its praises FOREVER!

I don't mind time mending the open wounds of infertility, but I hope it doesn't fix them. I would like to come out the other side of this with a scar. I want to remember this time in my life and all of the things I've learned from it. The struggle will only make it sweeter.

Psalm 113:9

"He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD."

Psalm 113:9

This past weekend I had the opportunity to surprise my parents early on Sunday morning. They live about two hours away and since my husband was going to be out of town for the majority of the day I decided to head down to visit them and some other friends and family that I don't get to see nearly enough.

I had previously thought I'd go later this week,but when it became apparent that AF would be visiting soon I figured in the interest of being around for a baseline internal ultrasound (more on that later) I should go sooner rather than later. Boy, am I glad that I did.

The verse at the top of this post was part of the reading from last Sunday at the church I grew up in. When the words were read it was like there was not a single other person in the sanctuary. It was as if the little old lady behind the lectern was looking me in the eye reading those words directly to me.

They were words I needed desperately to hear. I was getting anxious about the cycle that is ahead of us. It will be our first time cycling with our fertility clinic which means a lot of new territory and a lot of unknowns. It was as if that reading had been chosen just for me, a perfect reminder that God is with us in the midst of this. Such a good feeling!

In other news, I went in today (CD2) for my baseline internal ultrasound... all I have to say about that is it was gross, and if I don't ever have to do it again I will be one happy gal! The ultrasound showed a fairly thick lining and lots of tiny follicles or cysts on my ovaries. Those tiny cysts in addition to some other symptoms won me a prescription for metformin. Judging by what the doctor said, it should be a pretty enjoyable (NOT!) drug to take. I also got my Rx for clomid, a blood draw, and orders for an HSG. I feel like all of a sudden everything is moving at lightening speed! I have my HSG scheduled for next week and I will have another ultrasound the following day to check on my little eggies. After that we may or may not trigger and then we will be doing an IUI. Crazy!

One more thing... I think my RE is pregnant. At first I couldn't come up with a good reason to see a male RE, I think I found one :)

AHHHHH!

I'm sorry if my blog has taken over your reading list!!!

I just started following my own blog because of some reading list errors that were brought to my attention. When I logged on this afternoon it appears that my entire blog has republished! Sorry if the same thing happened on your reading list- let me know if my blog is still not updating for you if you are a follower... hopefully I can get this all figured out SOON!!!

Enjoy the weekend!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...

So, today after the appointment that I referenced in the previous post I had the following conversation via instant message with my husband while he was at work....


ME: My appointment was good and bad.

HIM: hmmm. Do you want to explain now, or tell me in person?

ME: The good was that the Dr said that I don't need to do the biopsy. The bad is that I nearly punched a pregnant intern.

HIM: Ha, those are BOTH good!

ME: She was interning with my Dr. and nearly uttered the words turkey and baster while I was chatting with my doctor about our plans for IUI... Wow, so professional. I shot my Dr. a look and she quickly explained what it was to the idiot fertile.

HIM: NEARLY punched = good ACTUALLY punched = not good

ME: Gosh fertile people are so dumb. Plus, who brings an obviously pregnant intern into an infertile woman's appointment? There is nothing like talking about our lack of baby while another woman sits and rubs her belly. Seriously. Shoot me.

HIM: Wow. I would think that infertile women would be happy to have a prego around. (ummm did he really just say that??)

ME: Absolutely NOT!

HIM: Who is to say that she isn't a successful result of the process we are currently going through? (Always the voice of reason)

ME: She isn't... she made that clear.

HIM: Maybe you should take a little extra dose of the bitterness when you wake up in the morning!

ME: No infertile woman would even consider saying anything about a turkey baster.

HIM: I have heard YOU say it... so.... (Crap, got me there!)

ME: Um, am I a doctor? Not to mention when I've said it I was I kidding, not thinking it was an actual medical procedure! There I was talking about iui and she said "is that the turk......" I shot my Dr a look and pregnant intern tried again with "what is iui?" followed by.... "you can do that at home right?" I hope she has A LOT more school before she is actually seeing patients in that setting. But no, I am not bitter :)

HIM: uh-huh :)

I was cracking up through this entire conversation... it is so funny how differently men and women perceive the same situation.

A few things...

Is it really necessary to bring in the pregnant intern when we are talking about my infertility? Not only did she sit with her hand on her belly the whole time, she also ALMOST let the words turkey and baster leave her lips when I was telling the nurse practitioner about our plans to do IUI. I'm not sure what her focus area was, but lets either pray that she has A LOT more schooling to get through or that she is not focusing on women's health.

My chart is almost unrecognizable this cycle. It appears that I *might* have actually ovulated, but I also started taking thyroid medication this cycle... perhaps that is what warmed me up? I trust my body approximately 5 % of the time, so who knows.

I have never been more ready for my period to arrive. I am ready to start the testing cycle so we can move on to the treatment cycle!

One of THOSE days...UPDATE

UPDATE: I think the problem with infertility (ok, ONE of the problems) is that I just assume situations such as the one I wrote about yesterday morning are going to be hard. When in reality I have a choice to make. I can either resent the way my friend has been blessed, or I can enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her little girl. Our visit was great. We spent the entire day talking about life. It felt good. Good to know that things were going well for her, and good to feel her caring about what is going on in my life.

Remember this post? Well today she is spending the day at my house. She should be arriving very soon with her 8 week old baby in tow. It will be nice to catch up, but I am praying that I don't have to listen to 6 or 7 hours of mommy stories. Thankfully another childless friend will be joining us in a few hours.... feel free to pray that I make it through the day without telling her I don't care about how long she slept last night, the consistency of her baby's poop or how "hard" motherhood is.

I can do this.

Someday it will be me in those shoes. I hope I remember how it feels.

Wait

Wait

Author Unknown

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, 'Child, you must wait'.

'Wait? You say, wait! ' my indignant reply.

'Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

we need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, 'You must wait.'

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

and grumbled to God, 'So, I'm waiting.... for what?'

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for Thee.'

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT.'

I've seen this on many blogs over the last several months. I feel like it is the perfect reminder that even though waiting is painfully hard, it is what we've been asked to do. Eventually, it will all be worth it!

Expectations...

I have a few more thoughts about our trip to the fertility clinic yesterday....



... anyone else feel like their clinic is a baby factory? Although I didn't "see" a single pregnant woman (aside from one that was working there) that place was hoppin'.



... expectations are funny. After I had researched this clinic I had a very clear picture of the door that I would walk into to start this journey. Ha! Instead it was a very non-descriptive door with a tiny sign with the clinic's name. No windows, no nice sign welcoming me to the appointment I had been dreading. Just another white door in a hallway of several white doors.



... expectations are STILL funny. I also had a picture of the waiting room in my mind as I walked in. I knew going in that the facility itself is state of the art, but I was expecting to walk into a waiting room pretty similar to any other doctor's waiting room. Especially after the super plain white door I walked into. Instead I walked into a nice calming waiting room. The walls were painted a nice brown and a shade of calming blue. There wasn't a piece of furniture or decor that I wouldn't put in my own home.



... how nice is it to walk into a waiting room full of people who are facing the same or similar struggle that you are facing? A place where you can pretty openly say things like semen analysis at the first desk and not be worried about what the other people in the waiting room at thinking. A place where every toe is tapping and husbands are holding their wife's hand.



I'm glad the clinic wasn't exactly what I had expected. It forced me to get my expectations in check. My expectation for the next couple of cycles is simply receiving good care from my doctor. I am not setting my expectations unattainably high, I'll just be super happy if my expectations are exceeded :)

Optimistic...

I've had a million posts bouncing around in my head over that last couple of days, but lets start with today.....

Today my husband and I had a consultation with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I have been worrying about this day since the time my OB/GYN suggested making an appointment about 8 months ago. When my OB (well, actually she is an Nurse Practitioner NP) had suggested seeking the assistance of a RE I was at a point that I just needed a break. I needed to step back from everything and just relax for a little while. After all, isn't that the cure all for infertility? In my case, obviously not.



So, once I finally built up the courage, I made the appointment. Truth be told, it wasn't nearly as intimidating as I had imagined it. We got in promptly at our appointment time (waiting always makes me anxious), I had my vitals taken (holy blood pressure!) and we had out picture taken for our chart, then we were called back to talk with the doctor. She went over our medical history with us and talked in depth about all of the things that need to happen in a given cycle to achieve pregnancy. She talked about all of the things that we have going for us, and also the few things that may be potential road blocks. Next she went over possible treatments and gave us a general plan of attack.



It looks like we will be spending the next cycle undergoing a few tests that we haven't yet had (CD3 blood work, HSG, and a baseline transvaginal ultrasound.) From there, our first treatment cycle will consist of clomid, monitoring, a trigger and IUI. I am terrified and excited all at the same time! Our doctor seemed optimistic (and told us that we should be as well) that we would get pregnant. For now she is suggesting several clomid/IUI cycles before we jump into injectables/IUI or IVF, but was very clear that this may change after seeing our test results.



She also suggested that in the meantime I see about having an endometrial biopsy done at my NP's office. I have already called them and am just waiting for their response.



I am a creature of momentum. Once the ball is rolling I am ready to jump right in and do what needs to be done. It is the initial effort that is sometimes hard to muster up!

28 days...

...28 days...

...4 weeks...

...2 large boxes of tampons...

I'm pretty sure I'm due for 9 months without this beastly "gift."

Before anyone freaks out, don't worry I've got an appointment with my primary care doctor on Tuesday and a consult with my new RE on Thursday... lets hope one of the two can figure this out, because my sanity if slowly slipping. As is my poor husband's, 4 weeks of a period does not make for a very happy husband if you catch my drift :)

Not to mention, how does one even attempt to get pregnant when they are bleeding for 4 weeks??

Maybe it has something to do with the new thyroid meds I'm on?