Change of Scenery...

After a major roller coaster of a week, my husband announced on Thursday that we would be getting out of the house this weekend. After all, he'd been doing a lot of reading about how to be a supportive husband in this type of situation, isn't he just the best?!? His research all agreed on two things... change of scenery and making sure you're available to your partner.

Friday night we decided the drive-in would be our activity. Given that "dark" isn't until close to ten the first of the double feature was ending right around eleven. After the week we'd had we were both exhausted, and although it probably wasn't the best $16 we've ever spent it was somewhere other than home, and we both got a good nap in. After the first movie I was ready to go, so we skipped out on the second movie knowing we wouldn't be leaving until after 1am. Mission accomplished- out of the house and a little distraction.

Today we decided we would head up toward the mountain and check out a resort that we're considering for a vacation in a few weeks once all of this is over. We ended up driving around the mountain and picking up some delicious fresh fruit, watching a little kite boarding and windsurfing while we had lunch. After lunch we headed back toward the city, where traffic was a bear and we ended up taking a HUGE detour- stopped at a park, nearly ran out of gas, decided to watch a movie (Crazy, Stupid, Love is a cute movie) and then stopped for Thai food at our favorite place on the way home. It was a great day, all things considered.

I can't say that the reality of life right now didn't cross my mind, of course it did, a lot. But, today I was also reminded that I do have a pretty amazing life and a more amazing husband. Sure, we've reached another dose of heartache, but with each one that we've faced in the past we have grown in big ways and we have always come out on the other side. Always.

I'm not sure what tomorrow's outing will be, but at some point someone is going to have do the dishes and a load or two of laundry... maybe. Maybe we'll just enjoy each others company instead :)

Beta five is scheduled for Monday. It was originally going to be accompanied with an ultrasound, but my nurse said that probably wouldn't be necessary given that my beta was already dropping. So, we'll see. I think we've made our preliminary decisions about what we'd like our next step to be, but of course nothing will be finalized until after our WTF appointment in a couple of weeks.

Another day, another beta....

There isn't much to share at this point.. I had a fourth beta drawn this morning and I haven't yet heard what the number was. I'm assuming it has gone down even farther than Wednesday's test because my symptoms seem to be fading (or maybe I'm not trying too hard to notice them). I'm still taking both progesterone and estrace, so I'm doubtful that I'll begin bleeding before those are stopped and out if my system. I'm assuming that those will be stopped on Monday after the confirming ultrasound, if indeed the assumptions are correct.

I spoke with my doctor just briefly this morning when I was in for my blood work. She passed by when the nurse was drawing my blood and asked how I was doing. She agreed that my betas were absolutely not normal, but had a little hope that possibly there were two initially growing and now there is only one. She also mentioned the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, but said it would be hard to be sure about anything until our ultrasound on Monday. Today's beta results will give us a little more information, though.

I'm beginning to come to terms with what is happening, and I feel a lot better about everything today. I know my attitude may change again once the actual physical process begins, but for now I'm able to look at the situation relatively rationally knowing there are positives to be seen even in a horrible situation.

For me, it's been helpful to begin thinking about the next cycle. I'm not sure how long we'll have to wait, and I'm in no hurry, but the prospect of 'doing something' is some how refreshing right now. Maybe its because I feel so helpless right now, not knowing what is going on and being able to do nothing to change the outcome.

We knew from the beginning that this wouldn't be easy and that we'd likely have to fight to get our family... this Mama is not ready to give up yet! I still have a lot more fight left in me. I'm strong. I'm persistent. And bottom line, I'm going to MAKE this happen.

Again, thanks for all of the well wishes and prayers this week. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, but we're getting through it one step at a time.

** Just as I was about to publish this post the clinic called with today's beta results... The news is not good. My beta has continued to drop (I didn't ask for the level) so as of today I am to stop all medications and wait to miscarry. My nurse said that it would most likely be similar to a heavy period and to call if the bleeding is extreme. They will follow my beta until it reaches zero, but with it not being too high now and already dropping, I'm hopeful that it will move quickly.

My nurse also explained that our case will now be reviewed by the other doctors in the practice and together they will determine what the best course of action is from here on out. We'll expect to have an appointment to go over those finding sometime in the next several weeks.

I am so not looking forward to the next several days, but it is my hope that it will happen quickly and relatively painlessly. As much as I didn't want it to end this way, I'm glad the waiting is over.

Potpourri of Emotions...

The range of emotions I'm feeling right now is vast. I'm trying to address each as it comes up, but it seems like just as I've figured out what I'm feeling, another emotion is coming to the surface.

I think the first was just plain sadness, an overwhelming sadness that I've never felt before.

Then came the anger. Why is this happening to me? How could we go through SO much and end up here, losing our baby?

Next came fear- if this pregnancy isn't viable, it is somehow going to have to leave my body... how can I bare to watch that happen? Am I physically, emotionally, mentally strong enough to do this?

Then came the emptiness where just a week ago was overflowing, the joy that once was here for one perfectly amazing week, is now replaced with the feeling of nothing, emptiness.

Followed by a feeling I'm not sure how to name- maybe robbed it fitting. I'm so mad that now after all we've gone through, seeing two lines will never again bring the same simple joy that it did a week and a half ago. Even a positive beta won't leave me jumping (carefully) for joy. I will forever be waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad news to come. For someone to tell me my baby is going to die.

I've always said that infertility leaves a person jaded... this experience brings that to a whole new level.

If I'm being completely and totally honest, in the past I've felt like women who are either having a miscarriage or have had one were a little dramatic. I guess I was always coming from that idea of, it wasn't meant to be, or it wouldn't have been a healthy baby. I'm here to tell you, I was wrong and I'm sorry, so sorry I ever thought that. This is not something you can't even imagine unless you've gone though it. It is about a million times more painful than I could have ever thought.

Women (or at least I'm guessing most women and surely the vast majority of infertile women) fall in love with their growing baby from the moment they know its inside of them. Healthy, or unhealthy it doesn't really matter- that baby is growing inside of them and will someday, hopefully, be birthed from their body and become all the things they've dreamed about. The tiny pitter-patter of feet running down the hall, shrieks and giggles coming from the backyard, bedtime hugs and kisses or most simply the person that will make them a mommy.

Miscarriage is like having all of that ripped from your hands... from your tight grip... while you scream and cry... and wish for nothing more than for someone to give it all back.

But they don't.

And they won't.

At least not this time.

Not Looking Good...

Today's beta was 124, down from Monday's beta of 157.8.

Beta hell continues on Friday with a fourth draw.

Hopefully the final stop in this nightmare will be the ultrasound Monday afternoon.

I can't believe this is happening.

Pregnancy Purgatory Day 3....

I feel like I'm living in a complete daze.

I'm reaching the point of being numb.

I'm sad that this may not work out, and that our joy may be so short lived.

Sitting in the clinic's waiting room today was a completely new and different experience. Before this cycle it always just felt indifferent, kind of neutral. On Monday it felt pretty amazing- I was pregnant! Today as I sat there knowing that the blood that would leave my body in a matter of minutes would change everything it was kind of ominous. Meanwhile a happy couple who was obviously there for their first pregnancy ultrasound spoke loudly of their success and their baby/babies. Note to self: when I'm in their position, remember where I came from, and remember my peers who are sitting in the waiting room with me.

Now I'm home. Waiting for the news that will surely cause tears either way. I'm not sure that this beta will give us a definitive answer, but I'm hopeful it will allow us to start processing in one way or the other. I've cried so much in the last two days that I'm not sure I have anymore tears left in me.

Pregnancy Purgatory....

Pregnancy purgatory, beta hell... whatever you want to call it, it's horrible. The pregnancy symptoms remain, which are horrible reminders that today I'm pregnant, but tomorrow I might might not be. I might lose this baby, and it is painfully hard to come to terms with that.

I was ok yesterday until hubs came home from work. I'd only cried a few tears, but once he was here I lost it. I spent a good hour sobbing- Wondering how we could have the best week of our lives, followed by potentially one of the worst. Thinking about how just this once we spent one week not jaded by infertility, we lived as if this was a normal healthy pregnancy. If this doesn't work, we will never get to feel this way again- we'll be back to guarding our hearts.

Finally the tears stopped long enough to eat some dinner and watch some shows from our dvr, but almost instantly after crawling into bed it all started again. This time the tears were from many places, but mostly fear that if this pregnancy doesn't last, and we lose that baby that we are already completely in love with, I am going to have to watch as this baby leaves my body. And THAT is not something I'm prepared for.

I'm sure I'll be completely useless today. As much as I'd like it to be Wednesday at 9 am so I can get an answer, it scares me to death. There are a few (very few) success stories out there where these kinds of things happen and go on to produce a healthy pregnancy, but the overwhelming majority end in heartbreak and I'm trying to at least semi-prepare for that.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. I'll update tomorrow after we know more. Until then, I think I'll just sleep.

Not the news I was hoping for....

I spent most of the morning enjoying the blissful fact that I'm pregnant, and while that hasn't changed, we're not overly certain that it is going to progress from here.

I had my second beta this morning, four days after the first. It was 106 last Thursday and theoretically, it should have quadrupled since then. We were looking for anything over 400. Unfortunately, today's beta was only 157.8.

For now, I am supposed to continue taking my medication and have a third beta on Wednesday. I am trying to stay positive at this point, but it is so hard not to think the worst. So now, I'm finding myself in pregnancy limbo... not sure what the future is going to hold.

Please pray that things look better on Wednesday... and for the next two days to pass quickly- right now Wednesday seems like like years away.