Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It stinks to be right....

I hate it when we find that we were absolutely and totally right when we decided not to share our infertility with all of our friends and family. Sound funny? I know, I should be happy that we made what seems like the right choice, but instead it makes me sad and angry that people have no idea how to deal with this topic- in turn making us feel like if we do share we can't expect much from those that we reach out to.
A little back story to my rant this morning...
We've told VERY few people about what we are dealing with, let me introduce you to them:
Fertile Couple: They've conceived 4 times without even trying, and often make comments like "maybe you are just meant to be a really great aunt" or "you can have one of ours" or "just enjoy not having kids, you will miss this." Great, thanks.
Best friend: She's a health teacher, not married and has known we were trying since nearly the beginning. She doesn't ask about what is going on, and sometimes that is nice but it would be good to know that she cares from time to time. I know it is an awkward subject and no one wants to end up on the phone with a crying infertile woman, but isn't that what best friends are for??
"Infertile" turned pregnant #1: She tried to get pregnant for 6 months, begged for clomid and got pregnant on the first shot. She didn't do a great job of being there for me during her pregnancy (that may have been partially because of my resentfulness), but after the birth she really struggled and I think she is realizing how hard what I am going through really is. She does a pretty great job of being there for me even when she doesn't totally get what I am facing.
"Infertile" turned pregnant #2: Tried to get pregnant for a little over a year, was told after one (kinda crazy) SA they would need to do IVF to get pregnant... they never got a second opinion. They went on to get pregnant on their own right around the one year mark. My guess is it was just a bad SA. She claims to "totally understand" what I am going through. She sent me TWO emails over the weekend begging for an update on IUI#2 and when I replied with the bad news she never even responded.
All this to say... I am beyond thankful this Thanksgiving for all of my fantastic blog friends. I hate infertility, but I love that we can all encourage each other through this trying (haha) time.


Brandi said...

Since we have ventured into IVF I have been a lot more open about it with people. At first, like you we only let a few number of friends in on our struggles. Well, like you, they just don't understand and it almost got to the point, I didn't even want to talk about it with them for the fact I knew I would be mad about their responses or opinions. Now if asked, I give them an update and leave it at that. I really hate I don't have a best friend to cry to in person but I know that women here in blog land, know exactly how I feel. It has been a great outlet for me.

amy said...

Finding the right support is very hard. It's very comforting having the "cyber" support, I'm soo thankful for these awesome ladies :)

Keep on blogging...we're here for you sweetie :)

Katie Norman said...

First, I'm sorry for your crummy news. I know exactly what it's like to get bad news and how it feels. (But know, even though we've never met, you have a friend who cares enough to stalk your blog and check it repeatedly waiting for your news... of course hoping it would be positive. I will keep praying.)

Second, you are so right. It's like you can't win. When you don't tell anyone, you feel so alone. When you tell people, they say the stupidest things!

I made the decision to start being open with basically everyone (since I started my blog) after about 10 months of trying. I guess it has it's good and it's bad. I have some relief not keeping the secret and not hearing stupid comments at holiday events like "when you guys gonna have one?" But you also get the pathetic looks and the "encouraging words" which can actually be more hurtful than beneficial. Like, when someone tries to be encouraging and says, "It will be your baby shower next," or "I just know it will happen soon," I want to just scream and say "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! DID GOD TELL YOU PERSONALLY!?!?" I know these people just don't know what else to say and they are trying to be nice but, at least for me, this doesn't help. To be honest, I don't know what they should do either. But know that regardless of what my outcome is, I will always understand what you are going through and you can always vent to me and I will try to never say anything stupid!

Stephanie said...

I totally understand. While some family and friends know, its hard. For our family I often update them via email and then tell them not to respond because I don't want their pity and I know the don't know what to say. Some friends never say anything, others ask WAY too much and some are the best and send notes on IUI day and other notes of encouragement but don't push. I would be lost without this community!! I'm so thankful for it!

I'm so sorry IUI#2 wasn't successful. I know how much that sucks. Our IUI#3 wasn't successful either AND my u/s for IUI#4 on Wednesday showed zero mature follies. We're going back Saturday for a second u/s. I fear I didn't respond to the meds this cycle and we won't have an IUI at all which I hate. Feels like a wasted cycle. A wasted amount of money and emotions. A wasted holiday since we didn't spend it with family because of the way the supposed cycle fell (we thought we'd have IUI#4 on Black Friday). Sigh.

I'm trying to remember all I have to be thankful for and feel blessed by my husband, furbabies, home, job, family, friends and this blog community, but gosh its still a bit hard right now.

Hugs to you!