Here we go again...

I started my period on Friday while I was still out of town visiting family for the holiday, so I stealthily slipped away to make the call to my clinic to report that CD1 had arrived. Being that it was a holiday weekend I had to leave a message with the service and wait for the nurse to return my call. When she called she let me know that an early ultrasound was not necessary because I don't appear to be a cyst grower (which I already knew from last cycle), but otherwise we are going to go with a very similar protocol to last cycle. The only other change will be that my mid cycle scan will be on CD14 instead of CD12 because my follies grew at such a slow pace last cycle.

It is hard for me to believe that we are already starting our third IUI cycle. I feel like we were just walking into the RE's office for the first time. We were nervous, anxious and all together uneasy about what would come from our consultation. It seems utterly insane that at this point we've both endured some invasive testing, I've given myself two injections, done two inseminations, left several vials of blood at the lab and have spent many mornings driving 40 minutes for a rendezvous with the wand.

So here I am on CD3, the first dose of clomid is already working its magic and I am hopeful that this will be it. In 11 days I have an appointment with the same doctor that preformed our last insemination (because my doctor will be out of the office again) and from there we will either schedule the trigger and insemination or I will be back in the office a few days later for another ultrasound.

So, here we are. We've found ourselves at the beginning of another cycle hoping and praying that this is it.

Here we go again...

It stinks to be right....

I hate it when we find that we were absolutely and totally right when we decided not to share our infertility with all of our friends and family. Sound funny? I know, I should be happy that we made what seems like the right choice, but instead it makes me sad and angry that people have no idea how to deal with this topic- in turn making us feel like if we do share we can't expect much from those that we reach out to.

A little back story to my rant this morning...

We've told VERY few people about what we are dealing with, let me introduce you to them:

Fertile Couple: They've conceived 4 times without even trying, and often make comments like "maybe you are just meant to be a really great aunt" or "you can have one of ours" or "just enjoy not having kids, you will miss this." Great, thanks.

Best friend: She's a health teacher, not married and has known we were trying since nearly the beginning. She doesn't ask about what is going on, and sometimes that is nice but it would be good to know that she cares from time to time. I know it is an awkward subject and no one wants to end up on the phone with a crying infertile woman, but isn't that what best friends are for??

"Infertile" turned pregnant #1: She tried to get pregnant for 6 months, begged for clomid and got pregnant on the first shot. She didn't do a great job of being there for me during her pregnancy (that may have been partially because of my resentfulness), but after the birth she really struggled and I think she is realizing how hard what I am going through really is. She does a pretty great job of being there for me even when she doesn't totally get what I am facing.

"Infertile" turned pregnant #2: Tried to get pregnant for a little over a year, was told after one (kinda crazy) SA they would need to do IVF to get pregnant... they never got a second opinion. They went on to get pregnant on their own right around the one year mark. My guess is it was just a bad SA. She claims to "totally understand" what I am going through. She sent me TWO emails over the weekend begging for an update on IUI#2 and when I replied with the bad news she never even responded.

All this to say... I am beyond thankful this Thanksgiving for all of my fantastic blog friends. I hate infertility, but I love that we can all encourage each other through this trying (haha) time.

Nope.

The nurse just called... the conversation regarding my beta began with 'unfortunately.'

I'm OK.

I still have a lot to be thankful for this week. My insurance covering infertility just happens to top that list. Knowing that we have options and that we will not have to make choices about our future fertility treatments based solely on the financial burden that they bare is a HUGE blessing and not something I take for granted as we continue on this journey.

We're another step closer. It will happen. Someday.

And again...

When the hubs and I started trying to get pregnant none of our close friends or family were currently knocked up. Shortly after we threw away the birth control one of my good friends from high school got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby 9 months later... she is due with her second any day now. Lapped. About 5 months after we started trying my brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy and later had my first nephew... my brother called tonight and told me they are pregnant with their second. Lapped again.

Although I absolutely know that none of this has any impact on my own conception, it is in these moments that I feel like we've been at this FOREVER. Well, that AND the fact that I am going to hear about nothing more than this new baby from my mother for the next nine months....

On a positive note, my beta is in 5 days!

Whoops!

At some point in the last few weeks or maybe months my blog may have been compromised. By compromised, I mean found by some friends and possibly family. If this is a case, I would greatly appreciate you letting me know if you are reading along on our journey. In addition to letting me know that you've found me, I would also appreciate that you keep everything that you read on this blog to yourself. This has been an amazing outlet for me in the past year and knowing that it was private from our family and friends has given the opportunity to be very candid in my writing.

Thanks!

Paper Sheets....

You know, those glorious sheets with which you cover yourself for ultrasounds and other gynecological procedures. I have never, I repeat NEVER had a problem with one. I am typically wearing a longish shirt and tuck the top of the sheet into the bottom of my shirt and then sit and patiently wait for the doctor to knock and come into the room. Well, on Wednesday I had my first and hopefully last 'paper sheet malfunction.'

All was well until the doctor said "Lets get started. Go ahead and lay back and relax your legs." Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiip, there went the sheet! Honestly, my modesty went out the window the first time I was violated by the wand. So, I wasn't too worried about my compromised paper covering. Sure there was now a huge gaping hole in the paper sheet right over my lady bits, but lets be honest the doctors head was between my legs and the nurse was down on the business end of things as well. The only other people in the room were my husband and I, and if either of us was offended by seeing those parts there might be some other issues that need to be addressed in terms of why we aren't getting pregnant! The doctor quickly jumped up, got me a new sheet and re-draped me to ensure complete coverage- I just kind of laughed inside. I know he was just trying to make me comfortable, but come on, you've got a spotlight shinning on my whoo-ha for heaven sake!!!

Oh the joys of infertility!

And so it begins....

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but last cycle I had a bizarre thing happen. Every morning post insemination, I would wake up ridiculously early. Early like 3 or 4 am. I would typically lay in bed and try to go back to sleep until at least 5ish, but most mornings it was futile. Usually, I'd just get up and make my way to the living room with my lap top and either poke around on the internet or blog.
Today I'm 1dpiui and wouldn't you know it, I am up and blogging at 5am. The good news is, my BBT shot up this morning, so I can be confident that I did in fact ovulate on insemination day. Also, most of the bloated feeling is gone! Both times I have taken the trigger shot I've felt super bloated until after ovulation. It is such an uncomfortable feeling, especially when you have to have the insemination done with a full bladder. I thought I was going to die (or pop) yesterday when I was waiting for the doctor to come do the procedure!

11 days until my beta. I am trying to fill my days so I don't have much time to think about the outcome of this cycle. Thankfully there are Christmas gifts to wrap, family pictures to take, cards to create, seasonal decor to swap out and plenty of sewing and organizing to be completed- I think my days will be plenty busy between now and then!

Round 2...

We had our second IUI this morning. Everything went really smoothly and I really liked the doctor that we had today. He was super professional and told me everything he was doing as he did it. Thankfully my doctor had made some notes in my chart from my last IUI as to which speculum worked best, that was the worst part of our first IUI.

I think I explained that after our last insemination we found out that the hub's count and motility was a little low. For that reason, he completed a sperm function test a couple weeks ago. That test also came back with less than stellar results, but my doctor still was suggesting IUI as a valid option. Today's count was even less than both of the last samples. The doctor I saw today said that there is still every possibility that IUI could produce a pregnancy given today's sample, but also mentioned that IVF with ICSI may be on the horizon. I am ready for anything. Obviously I would love for this IUI to work, but in the event that my RE suggests IVF after reviewing the numbers then we are fully prepared to jump right in. Thankfully our insurance is AMAZING, and would cover the majority of our IVF expenses if that is the road we have to go down. It makes the idea of an IVF cycle much easier to consider. Seems weird to be thinking about IVF just hours after being inseminated.. perhaps I should just sit back for the next twelve days and relax. Whatever will be, will be.

On a random note..... Today when we arrived at the clinic for the insemination, there was a man and two young boys in the waiting room. The older of the two boys was playing on the client computer and the man was holding the younger boy bouncing near the door trying to get him to sleep. The hubs and I sat down, smiled at the boys and began reading our magazines. The waiting room is very small and we were pretty close to this little family. The man looked at me and very sweetly said, "please let me know if we are bumming you guys out." I replied by saying "oh no, you're fine." At first I thought it was super random, but on second thought I think it was incredibly compassionate. Maybe the most compassionate gesture that I have been on the receiving end of. I hope that like him, I always remember how this has felt.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is our second IUI and I am oddly calm about it. Not that I am complaining about this new relaxed nature that has come over me, but it is weird. Last night I gave myself my trigger shot without an ounce of fear. Sure I would have rather NOT done it, but it was no big deal. I didn't stand and stare at myself in the mirror for ten minutes convincing myself that it had to be done. I just cleaned the area, jabbed that needle in and injected the medication. Easy.

Today as I thought about the fact that I will have someone other than my doctor doing my insemination I really didn't have any nervous feelings about it. I have never had a male doctor examine me below the belt, and I am typically a HUGE worry wart about all medical procedures, but here I am not worried in the least. I LOVE IT!

I am ready for tomorrow! What I am not ready for is the 12 painfully long days that will follow before my beta.

Finding joy in the mailbox...

My favorite time of the year is the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the hustle and bustle of it all. I love the lights and decorations. I love the magic, the gift wrapping and the baking. I love checking the mail daily and finding a stack of Christmas cards waiting to be opened.

I consider myself to be the crafty/artistic type and have been known to have somewhat of a rating system when it comes to cards and invitations that find their way into our mailbox. Unlike Christmas letters which can either gain you points or quickly put your score in the gutter dependant on content, even the worst cards and invitations get bonus points when a picture is included. For me, the perfect Christmas card has a nice sentiment, is pleasing to look at and includes a picture.

The first year that the hubs and I were married, creating and sending Christmas cards was one of those rights of passage that I had been looking forward to for years leading up to our wedding. We ended up creating photo cards on Shutterfly.com and absolutely loved the way they turned out. We received tons of complements on them, and it was a fun way to share some of our wedding pictures with guests from our wedding that likely would never see our albums.

After such a perfect experience with our first cards, we did the same for our second Christmas. I had found a coupon code for Shutterfly and ended up getting a fantastic deal on premium cards. I loved the cards when they came in the mail, and I excitedly sent them to all of our friends and family.

Last year was hard. Last year Christmas fell at the end of six failed cycles of fertility treatment and my heart was just not in Christmas. I was hurting, my heart was aching and honestly the joy of Christmas was not even something I could recognize. The thought of skipping Christmas had seriously crossed my mind. Something about staying home and just being alone with the heartache seemed so inviting and easy. Certainly easier than being with our families and putting on a very much fake smiling face and pretending that everything was fine, when in reality I kind of felt like my world was crashing down around me. Needless to say, Christmas cards were not created nor were they sent. In fact getting Christmas cards in the mail was also difficult. Several family members and friends had recently had babies, and the photos that had once gained a card extra points were too hard to look at.

This year, although we are back in the midst of fertility treatments, my heart is in a MUCH better place. Joy has returned and although the holidays are still a difficult time when you are battling infertility, my heart and my head are back to loving this season. This year we will be finding our way back to shutterfly to create and purchase our Christmas cards! They make it just too easy to want to do it any other way! I’ve been browsing around this morning and have found some top contenders for this season….

Retro Metro -




Seasonal Chic Noir-

Charming Dotted Ribbon-

Berry Nutmeg-

Seriously, head over there! The hardest part of the creation process is choosing which pictures to use, and which one of the cards you like the best! Honestly, it is so easy I think even my mother could make one of these. The same mother who called me yesterday afternoon to ask me “how do I search 'words of inspiration' online??" “Ummmm, Google… just like anything else?!” Yeah, even she could do it!

And one more thing for all of your bloggies out there, Shutterfly is doing a promotion just for us! Head to this website and sign up to blog about their products and they’ll give you 50 holiday cards in return. It’s a pretty fantastic trade off if you ask me… blog about a great products and get 50 of them!

I'm With You...

I love evenings when the hubs and I cook dinner together and listen to music, it is the simple things that bring me the most joy! Tonight while I was doing the dishes and listening to our praise and worship Pandora station nice and loud I heard a song that has been a huge reminder through our infertility that God is good, all the time. I've been meaning to share it, and was reminded last weekend when Bobbi shared a couple of fantastic songs. So, here it is....

Casting Crowns 'Praise You In This Storm'

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Come on....

Seriously.

I went back for another round at the RE's office today... ultrasound #3 this cycle and still those dang follies are SLOW growers! It appears that only one of three is going to buck-up and grow, so we are waiting a little longer to trigger. My lining is better than last cycle, so maybe that will be the saving grace.

The plan is for me to continue to use OPKs through the morning of the trigger, just in case my ovaries decide to play any tricks. I'll give myself the trigger on Monday evening and then insemination will be on Wednesday morning. 12 agonizing days later we will know our fate, just in time to feel REALLY thankful for a positive beta or EXTRA thankful that our insurance covers 6 IUIs.

Remember how I was wishing and hoping that we wouldn't have our IUI over the weekend because "I am SO tired of having people I don't know in my vagina." ? Well, turns out my doctor is on call this weekend. Care to guess what that means? Yeah, she'll be out of the office on Wednesday. Splendid!

Even with all of that, I still have this almost annoying optimism about all of it. I don't mean optimism about this cycle specifically, but about the process in general. We WILL end this journey with a baby in our arms. Someday!

Putting Things in Perspective...

I have recently run across several quotes from a woman that I knew very little about until this afternoon. Her name and bits of her story were familiar to me, but I wanted to know more. So many of the quotes I have seen from her have been very inspirational and focused on trust and hope in the Lord's plan. I wanted to know her story.

Come to find out this woman, Corrie ten Boom, was a Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor who helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II. She has written an autobiography, (along with several other books) about what her life was like in those years, and I can only imagine how moving her story must be.

As I read about this woman, I found myself thinking about my own "hard" journey. My journey, which honestly after reading about hers, just doesn't seem so hard anymore. This woman went through things that were horrible and still she and her family are quoted as saying some pretty inspiring and faithful words in the midst of a incredibly trying and dire time in their lives.

Before dying in a concentration camp, Corrie's sister Betsie said this...."There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

After being released from a concentration camp Corrie said, "God does not have problems. Only plans."

She sounds to me like a pretty amazing woman with a faith that I can only strive to attain. In the meantime, I think I will try to remember her words and remember that there are many struggles much harder than my own. Her words and her story help me put my journey into perspective.

Here are several more of her faithful words....

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."

"If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest."

"This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see."
(The Hiding Place)

"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

"Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings...It's something we make inside ourselves."

"Some knowledge is too heavy...you cannot bear it...your Father will carry it until you are able."
(The Hiding Place)

"Don't bother to give God instructions; just report for duty."

"Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear."

"Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future."

"The tree on the mountain takes whatever the weather brings. If it has any choice at all, it is in putting down roots as deeply as possible---Each New Day"

"Child, you have to learn to see things in the right proportions. Learn to see great things great and small things small."

".....joy runs deeper than despair."

"You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have."

"Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."
(The Hiding Place)

"How often it is a small, almost unconscious event that makes a turning point."
(The Hiding Place)

"Perhaps only when human effort had done it's best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work."
(The Hiding Place)

"In darkness God's truth shines most clear."
(The Hiding Place)

"Love is larger than the walls which shut it in."
(The Hiding Place)

"Faith is like radar that sees through the fog -- the reality of things at a distance that the human eye cannot see."

Infertiles Say the Darndest Things...

Today my husband and I were talking about our upcoming IUI. While we were talking he said he was hopeful that it would occur over the weekend because he had already taken Thursday and Friday of this week off when we assumed that our insemination would be this week. I informed him that I was crossing my fingers for Monday or Tuesday so it would be my doctor performing the insemination instead of whoever is on call over the weekend. Being slightly dramatic I proclaimed, "I am SO tired of having people I don't know in my vagina."

My husband looked at me with a blank stare and then started laughing. I have a feeling I will be hearing that one quoted for awhile!

Making hard days a little easier...

As I've said recently, I feel like I am in a good place emotionally when it comes to my/our infertility right now. Sure there are still days when I feel sorry for myself and wish that I could easily get pregnant, but most days I feel at peace about our situation. Don't get me wrong, the sense of ungency is still very much there, but the desperation is not. I have a lot more hope these days that it will happen. Someday.



So, how did I get here? I think seeing an RE had a lot to do with the mental shift. I feel like we are doing everything we can in a given cycle and through being monitored, we know what exactly is going on inside my body for the first time. Another thing that I've done is make a list of bible verses and quotes about hope and patience. I've written a few them on bright card stock and stategically placed them to remind me that hope is a choice.



I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you, perhaps they will bless you in the same way they've blessed me during this journey.



"I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for my God my Savior; my God WILL hear me." Micah 7:7



"For NOTHING is impossible with God." Luke 1:37



"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11



"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9



"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14



"By His light, I walked through darkness." Job 29:3



"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7



"Our joy does not have to be based on our circumstances." Joyce Meyer

Uneventful...

Uneventful.. .that is what my ultrasound was today. It is day 12 and I was expecting to find a couple of decent sized follies, walk out with a prescription for my trigger and return on Friday for the IUI. That was not the case. It appears that I will be returning on Friday, but instead of it being for an insemination, it will be for another ultrasound.



Today I had 3 pathetic little follicles. My doctor is confident that at least one of them will be nice and plump by Friday, so I guess we will wait a little longer! In the meantime my doctor suggested that I encourage those follies to "grow, grow, grow!!"


Pray for growing follies this week....preferably two instead of three :)