Break-up...

I am breaking up with Dr. Google.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to consult him (Dr. Google IS a man, right?) on the many ins and outs of infertility and the treatments that go along with it. For example, PCOS patients and injectable meds. Let's just say the two aren't always a match made in heaven when it comes to IUI. Luckily in addition my case being fairly mild, we are starting off pretty slow on the stims.

My less than fruitful encounters with the good doctor have been scary to say the least. It has been story after story of canceled cycles, OHSS or my personal favorite 20 days of stims. Uh, no thank you to all three. The 20 days of stims stresses me out a little considering I've only done two injections and I already have two bruises. Not that I was planning to show off my less than flat belly anytime soon, but it would be nice to be able to wear pants at the end of this without wincing in pain as they are buttoned in the morning. Bruising on top of bloating seems like a really uncomfortable scenario!

I just keep reminding myself daily that this is TOTALLY worth it, and deep down I believe that. Even when those words are said wreaking of sarcasm every once in awhile :)

Easy...

... an ice pack to the stomach, a quick stab and a tiny bit of blood. The first follistim dose has been injected and it was nothing!

Cycle Day 2

I had my baseline ultrasound and estradiol draw this morning. Everything looks great. I have several antral follicles on both sides (currently nothing larger than 5.5mm) and I'm free of cysts! Estradiol came back nice and low at 38, so I start injections tomorrow night. We are taking this first cycle low and slow. My doctor's reasoning was that I have a lot of eggs, I'm young and I usually respond well to medication. I'm starting at 75iu (is that the measurement?) per night and I'll go back next Thursday for another ultrasound and another round of blood work.

After my appointment I headed to the pharmacy and picked up all of my medication. I now have vials of follistim and ovidrel in my refrigerator, needles and a sharps container in my bathroom and a bottle of progesterone suppositories in my drawer. Making a baby looks A LOT different than it did two and half years ago. So much more... what's the word... SEXY. Riiiiiight.

A Page is Turned...

Today is cycle day one, and I can't help but feel like a page has turned and we are beginning a new chapter of our infertility story. With that said, I am reminded of a song that was played on our wedding day. I am forever grateful that God prepared for me the perfect partner to face this battle with, someone to hold me up when I've come undone. Which, to be totally honest, happens rather frequently these days!

A Page Is Turned: Bebo Norman

A page is turned by the wind to a boy in curly grin
With a world to conquer at the age of ten
But as history unfolds and the storybook is told
He finds salvation but not at the hands of man

And the God of second chance
Picked him up and He let him dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, preparing him, the one
To hold him up when he comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And now a man, here you stand
Your day has come

A page is turned in this world to reveal a little girl
With a heart that's bigger, as it is unfurled
By the language in her soul, that's teaching her to grow
With a careful cover of love that will not fail

And the God of second chance
Picked her up and He let her dance
Through a world that isn't kind
And all this time, preparing her the one
To hold her up when she comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And grown up tall, here you are
Your day has come

Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by his hand
And warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
Just for her hand

A page is turned in this life, he's making her his wife
And there is no secret to the source of this much life
When the grace that falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and he'll let them dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, they're sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

After 3 hours on the phone with the insurance company, clinic and pharmacy it looks like all of my drugs are finally ordered and approved! I have a baseline and blood work tomorrow morning at 9 and then we are on our way to our first injectable cycle! Yahoo!

I'm little resentful...

... that infertility is slowly taking over more and more of my life. Sure there have been appointments that are a time suck, also the side effects from the drugs, but now there is the addition of having to be home at a certain time each evening for 8-12 days to jab myself with the follistim pen. I haven't even started yet, and it is already cramping my style! I am going to have to decline a dinner invitation for this weekend because we will likely be starting the injections that night.

Lame, but totally worth it!

The Results Are In....

... and they are the same as they've been for the last two and a half years- negative.

So, later this week we'll turn a page in our infertility story. I will head in for a baseline and go pick up my meds at the pharmacy near the clinic. We will start all over again, but at least this time we are changing our protocol. Follistim. Who wants to warn me about how much it hurts? More than ovidrel?

Charting...

I have a love/hate relationship with charting. On one hand, it makes me feel like I am doing something to help figure out my body, but on the other it kind of makes me neurotic.

Case in point....


I know it is totally blurry (if you click on it is MUCH more clear), but you get the idea. It looks great and gives me loads of hope, but at the same time I keep talking myself out of being hopeful because guarding my heart seems like a better plan. Do those of you who are IUI'ing still chart your temp, or do you 'just relax' and wait it out? I think next cycle I might throw it out the window, but the thought kinda makes me anxious!!!

Next Monday...

It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that regardless of the news we receive Monday, we are about to begin a new chapter of this journey. I will either be over the moon excited about a positive pregnancy test, or I will be preparing to start an injectable cycle.

Although I am very hopeful that injectables will not become part of my daily life, I am ready to embrace them if that is what is needed. I know I will be sad if this cycle doesn't produce a pregnancy, but at the same time I am happy that we have a plan in place that is fresh and new. A new protocol feels like another step in the right direction.

We are working on saving for IVF in the event that it ends up being being our next step, and thanks to a tax return we may be ready to explore that option earlier than we had imagined if our next steps aren't successful.

I am feeling hopeful.
I am feeling peaceful.
I am feeling ready for whatever Monday brings.

Prepare For The Worst, Hope For The Best...

I'm a planner.

I like to have things laid out ahead of time and every possible need recognized. This makes for not a lot of spontaneous-ness in our life, but the majority of the time that is ok with me. One thing I've learned through living this way is, when you prepare for something (i.e rain with jackets or an umbrella) it seems like the absolute opposite happens. Hopefully this theory is playing out currently.

Yesterday I had my injection teaching appointment at our clinic. I learned all about how to put a follistim pen together, dial in my dose and inject it. I was told about the side effects, the possibility of multiple gestations and warned about over exerting myself during stims. I signed consent forms, checked boxes about selective reduction and learned about progesterone suppositories. My prescriptions are ordered and on hold at the pharmacy. They are there, waiting to NOT be picked up.

That is right, I am banking on the fact that now that I am totally at peace about this whole injection thing, I wont need to do it. Call it sticking my head in the sand if you'd like, I am calling it optimism. I'm calling it hope.

Waves of Hope...

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV

I have found that hope comes in waves. I am typically hopefully when things are fresh and new. Hopeful at the start of a new cycle. Hopeful when protocols are changed. Hopeful when meeting with a new doctor. Right now, I find myself in a new odd limbo.

I have a new hope in our changed protocol, but I feel like placing my hope in that is writing off our current cycle. The cycle that I am still 11 days from knowing the outcome of. I think part of these feelings come from the fact that in order to do an injectable cycle next time (if there is one) we have to prepare for it now. We've read over the consent forms, looked at all of the potential side effects and today I have a teaching appointment to learn how to prepare and administer injections for a cycle that may or may not happen.

So, in the midst of this limbo I am going to remind myself of the verse posted above. I am putting down roots, and trusting God's perfect plan and timing.

We have a plan...

I am feeling so much better after our discussion appointment this morning . I had convinced myself that IVF was next, and after talking with our doctor we found out that we had more than one option.

Obviously the best success rates are going to be with IVF. Our doctor told us that for our case we would be looking at about a 70% chance of a pregnancy and about a 65% chance of live birth. These are fantastic odds, and they certainly make me feel confident that this IS going to happen eventually. At our clinic IVF is about a three month process from start to finish. First comes a month of testing, a month of BCPs and finally the stim/retrieval/transfer month. So, IVF with ICSI is option one.

Our second option would be to continue on with the same plan we've been using- IUIs in conjunction with clomid. I feel like we've already exhausted this option. Although we've seen a good response, it hasn't worked. Its time to move on.

Our third option was to continue with IUIs, but move on to injectable (follistim) medication in place of clomid. Switching to injectables will increase our chances of pregnancy by 5% each cycle, but also will increase our chances of having a cycle canceled due to over stimulation.

We chose option three. For me, I feel it is necessary to exhaust our options before we move on to IVF. Our RE agreed with our choice and said it would be a good way to transition into an IVF cycle. She suggested doing two or three injectable IUI cycles, but said we can choose to abandon IUI at any time and move over to IVF.

Even though we are in the midst of our current IUI cycle, we will begin preparing for injectables this week. I have a teaching appointment scheduled for this Thursday. Soon, I will know more than I ever wanted to about giving my self injections as part of our quest for a baby.

So, there you have it. In thirteen days we will find out if this discussion was even necessary. If it was, we will be ready to move forward with injectables just a few days later.

Sadly, we also found out today that my doctor is nearing her maternity leave, so she may or may not be around when/if we do IVF. I have really liked her throughout our treatment, but also feel completely and totally confident that I will be equally happy with all of the other doctors in her practice.

Random Thoughts from CD12...

... I had my mid cycle scan today. I had two follies on the right side that will be ready to trigger on Sunday night.

... Tuesday we have our 'what's next' appointment AND our insemination. My blood pressure should be off the charts.

... My hair is falling out and it is driving me crazy!

... I had my follow up thyroid appointment yesterday and the nurse confided in me about her current struggle to get pregnant.

... I rocked some new socks today for my date with the stirrups and Mr. Wand.

... I hate that when the pharmasist asked if I needed instuction on the trigger shot I had to say, "Nope, I've head it before... several times." Lame!

... I know you will all be praying your little hearts out that this is IT!!

Pink Elephant...

I said it was coming... now here it is. A post begging you to answer this nagging question:

How the heck we tell our families about what seems like a huge pink elephant in the room???

As I've said before, my mother-in-law makes it perfectly clear that she is ready for more grand kids. My sister-in-law has one child and he will be turning 10 this spring. Nearly every time we see her she makes a comment about us and our lack of offspring. It doesn't matter the size of the comment, it hurts just the same. Every time.

My family on the other hand, don't typically have much to say on the topic, but I know they are waiting for the announcement to come. Unfortunately they will be getting a much less exciting announcement in place of the one they are hoping for.

So here are my problems.... please solve them for me :)

I HATE crying in front of anyone other than my husband. I know that I can't possibly tell our story without losing it. And to be honest I'm not 100% sure my husband can either, and if/when he looses it... well, I'm done for.

I want to set very clear boundaries that this is NOT the new topic of conversation, a formal invitation into our sex life, an opportunity for them to share their opinion of the treatments we've done/plan to do or a good time for them to tell us about their co-worker's sister's second cousin.

I want them to understand what we are looking for in sharing this part of our life with them.... even though I'm not totally sure at this point what that is. Support on our terms?

I also need them to understand the magnitude of the situation. This is by a long shot the hardest thing we have EVER faced.

And lastly, I don't want to be over dramatic. I want express the hurt, the struggle and the pain but at the very same time I don't want be the person who thinks their problems are world ending. Even though it feels like it sometimes!

If you've been reading and not commenting, here is your chance! Leave nothing out. Tell me I am being a wimp. Tell me I shouldn't do this. Tell me I should. Tell me that sending these words in an email is a total cop out. Tell me what you shared that you wish you wouldn't have. Tell me it isn't nearly as terrifying as it seems right now.

Fitting...

Starting the new year off on the right foot...

I signed onto Facebook this morning to find one of my favorite things....

a pregnancy announcement.

This is their second in the time we've been trying for our first.

Lapped again!

2011, please promise you will get better!!!