Random Thoughts...

Had I known there would be 85 hoops to jump through before seeing an RE I would have started the process MUCH earlier! Oh well. I needed a break; I guess it is just going to be a little longer than I had expected.

I’m not sure what possessed me to set my DVR to record Lifetime’s Pregnancy Pact, but I did and then I watched it. All of it. Anybody want to make a pact with me? By the looks of things, that is all it takes to get pregnant. I’ve tried weirder things.

My husband’s latest response to my MIL asking about when we will have babies (which is becoming more frequent with the day) is …. “they are expensive and messy.” She always replies that babies are as expensive as you make them. Ha. I’ve been researching what it is going to cost us to see and RE and be treated, lucky for us we’ve got great insurance, otherwise that baby would be thousands of dollars just in the production stages.

In each of our groups of friends there is at least one pregnant woman or infant…. It is all baby, all the time. I’m still trying to be ok with it.

It is cycle day 56 and it hadn’t even crossed my mind until today that perhaps I should take an HPT just in case. However, my BBT chart has more peaks and valleys than a mountain range… it seems like a waste.

You know that you’ve been TTC for awhile when the button on your thermometer is cracked and you need to buy a new one.

I have a baby shower invitation on my desk for a friend of mine that I have yet to respond to. I want to go, but I am almost certain that I will be the ONLY one there that doesn’t have kids. I’m not sure I can do it.

Busted Libs!

It is time for another Busted Lib courtesy of Kate over at Busted Plumbing. If you would like to play along, check out this week's Busted Lib by clicking the button on my sidebar BEFORE you read my Lib below......













How To Look Scary in a Rough Neighborhood

Step 1: Consider wearing a hooded pair of pants or socks with the hood pulled over your head. When people can't really see your spleen, they are more wary of approaching you. With your hood up and your spleen down, you become and unknown quantity on the streets.

Step 2: Look people in the left index finger if they approach you. Looking away is always viewed as a sign of worry. Feeling safe is a matter of displaying confidence.

Step 3: Talk to yourself as you kick. When people think that you are mentally unstable, they have a tendency to leave you alone. This may sound funny, but making people melancholy before you allow them to make you exhausted is a valuable weapon when you have no other defense.

Step 4: Walk vigorously and hastily without smiling. Walk tall with your thighs back and ear lobes out, exuding confidence that you may not feel. Even if you are lost, look and walk like you know where you are and where you are going. Confidence is the most intimidating thing that you possess under these circumstances.

Really?

It is pretty typical for me to wish that I had responded differently to certain situations. I am the type of person who doesn't usually want to rock the boat or make anyone feel awkward about a comment they've made regarding our lack of children. There are several reasons for this.... first, and most importantly we are still "in the closet" for the most part, and I'd like to keep it that way until I am good and ready. And second, with those that do know our situation I don't want to be rude or make then feel terrible for a comment that they probably didn't mean the way I took it.
One on of my first posts on this blog was similar, but recently I've been bombarded with stupidity so I thought I would share one more.

While changing the diaper of a screaming toddler...

SHE SAID: "Are you sure you want this?"
I SAID: "Yes."
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: "YES, and I know it will be worth EVERY SINGLE painful emotion, stirrup session, probing, and unkind word that I meet between now and then.”

Let me add that this particular person is one of the only people we've told about our struggle to get pregnant. I understand that this is not even close to something that she understands. She has been pregnant 4 times, none of them planned. I pretty much know for a fact that if she knew that her comment had been gnawing away at me for the past week she would feel terrible. That isn't the point. The point is, take two seconds and think about what you are about to say before you say it.

Especially to an infertile woman.

Busted Libs

Oh.My.Gosh.

I've been dying laughing for the last few minutes after reading what Kate over at Busted Plumbing has been up to this afternoon. Her blog is a pretty funny read... today she has introduced "Busted Libs." Mad libs for the infertile... hysterical!

I promise that I followed the rules and didn't peek.... here is my final product!


Your First Visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist

Your first visit to a Fertility Specialist, also known as a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), can be NERVOUS. But don't worry! Your RE can be your first step in finding both the cause of and solution to your infertility. Infertility problems can make you feel THRILLED or TERRIFIED, however a good RE will take time to address these feelings. The RE may then do an examination of your ELBOW visually or by using an ultrasound. The RE may also examine your partner's KNUCKLE for any signs of abnormality. The doctor will ask you some pretty personal questions, like if your cervical mucus is FREEZING and NEON PINK, and if your menstruation looks SHARP. The doctor may suggest that you have intercourse QUICKLY rather than ABRUPTLY, and for you to JAB after intercourse. And don't feel bad if you have fertility challenges, even famous celebrities like LUKE PERRY have received infertility treatment. The most important thing is to keep a HYSTERICAL attitude, and turn to your BALLOONS for support. Good luck in your journey!

Inevitable

I’ve been dancing around the topic since sometime in November. I was told that November would be my final medicated cycle with my current doctor’s office and if I didn’t end up getting pregnant I would need to seek the help of an RE. I knew it was coming. At the time it stung a little, just hearing the words and understanding what that would mean, but I still had hope that perhaps the final cycle would be “the one.” It wasn’t. When I found that I wasn’t pregnant I was sad, but decided that it was time to take a break and enjoy the holidays. I didn’t want to spend Christmas thinking about treatments and testing. I wanted to take a break and see what happened. Well, what happened is exactly what I had expected. I relaxed. I enjoyed my time with my husband instead of carefully planning out days. I continued charting, but I didn’t stress. And lastly, I didn’t ovulate… or at least not yet. Today is CD 40 and as far as I can tell I haven’t ovulated. It is pretty hard to get pregnant when you aren’t producing your half of the equation.

So, I think I’ve finally come to that point where the phone call I’ve been dreading will have to be made. The inevitable has arrived. I need to call and ask for a referral. I need to get some guts and just do it. It is becoming more and more obvious that I probably am not going to get pregnant without some medical intervention. As much as I wish the road would have been easier, in some weird and awful way it has been a blessing. I feel like a stronger person because of the struggle.

I’ve promised myself that by the end of the week I will call. I’ll find out if I need to schedule a follow-up or if they can just send me the referral. It is the first of many steps in the right direction. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I am terrified, but for now I am keeping my eye on the end result and taking it one tiny step at a time.

No one said it would be easy, but it WILL be worth it. Someday.

Live for TODAY.

In the book that I recently read (Empty Womb, Aching Heart) there was a sentence that jumped off the page and bit me right in the face. It made my nose sting and my eyes water. It was one of those things that I keep thinking, but then push to the back of my mind and pretend that it isn’t truly a reality. The author of the chapter wrote “I needed to stop living for the tomorrow that might not ever come and start living for today.”

I have countless times thought ‘we will do that once we have a family.’ The thing that sticks out the most in my mind right now is making holiday traditions of our own. Although I long to make our own holiday traditions, I keep putting it off until we have a family. When will I realize that we ARE a family. The two of us are a family and we can make our own decisions about holidays. We don’t just have to follow what our extended families decree just because we don’t have any little ones in tow. Yet.

It is my hope that in 2010 I can live more in the here and now and less in the future that I am hoping for. I need to learn that enjoying our childless life does not for a second negate the fact that we want children more than anything, but it might keep me a little more sane.

Here is to a wonderful 2010! Babies or no babies, I want to enjoy the year and spend less time wishing and more time living.