Preparing to jump.... again

As I said in my last post, thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface. Its funny, these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me. When I think about another pregnancy, it is in thinking about 'planning' it. So much about infertility (part one) was being a slave to not building expectations, learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others. And now, now we have more pieces in our puzzle. We have seen success, and we know what (at least last time) works for us. We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles. Both of those cycles I did become pregnant, at least briefly, and because of that, I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three.

In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015. So, why am I already thinking so much about all of this? We have fertility insurance. And while I am very thankful that we have it, it does add more hoops to be jumped. Like the fairly common '1 year of timed intercourse' before benefits can be utilized. Though I'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis, it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family. What this all means, is I'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year.

Its crazy. 'Trying' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts, but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan. This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't have any desire to become pregnant naturally- nor do I think it will happen. I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to, and I'd rather not push that out longer and longer.

The three embryos we have are something I think about daily, and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable. We aren't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come. And if we're being completely honest, we aren't sure how this story is going to play out. Will we try with all three (not at once), will one or more of them not survive the thawing process, will we become pregnant with our first FET attempt or will it take multiple tries, will any of those three embryos become our third child? I'm fairly confident in the process and I trust my doctor entirely, so I do believe the boys' sibling is waiting for us. But, the unknowns are somewhat daunting.

I'm somewhat worried about going off birth control. I'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles. I'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing, but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking/preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is.

I don't often hear/see people speaking about their frozen embryos. I think I've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy/birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had, but as it turned out it wasn't something she needed to worry about.

I'd love to hear your take on this, or what your plans are, my fellow IVFers. Either leave me a comment, or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments.

A little of this, and a little of that!

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog. I'm not entirely sure why, but its happening. Its weird though, because although our boys are more mobile now, they are also playing together(ish) more and are seriously cool to go to the playroom for sometimes 30 minutes at a time without needing mama to be right there. It is pretty sweet!

Here is a little update on our life....

• H is walking pretty well, he still drops to his knees if he wants to get somewhere quickly, but right around 13m he really took off.
• A will take a few steps here and there, and can navigate a push toy like a pro, but in general crawling is still his main form of transportation.
• As my babies are exiting the baby stage, I'm starting to think more and more about baby #3. I know, I have twins who are just barely one, but its true. I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks and while we are not even close to biting the 'IVF' bullet. I do have a few things to pick his brain about. We have new insurance and I'm not certain if we'll have to "try" for a year before using our benefits or not, but if we do have to, that means trying will likely commence very soon since we have an idea of when we'd like to do an FET-- how's that for faith in my reproductive system?
• Hubs started a new job about a month ago and LOVES it. It has been so nice for him to enjoy going to work in the mornings and be a happy daddy when he gets home at night.
• The boys are eating more and more of what we eat and it is so fun! Just last night we let them try stuffing for the first time, and it made me so excited for thanksgiving!
• A is getting some molars... its not my favorite, but I can't complain too much, my kids have been pretty easy teethers!
• We give the boys teething tablets from time to time, and H has taken to doing it himself. He looks so grown up taking his pills before bed.
• About a month ago Hubs and a camp-in with the boys in the living room. They slept inside out huge playpen together- seriously the CUTEST thing ever. They are doing it again tonight. I am so incredibly thankful that my babies have such a fun daddy.
• A & H haven't ever really been on a schedule, but all of a sudden a few weeks ago we just kind of fell into one. I have never pushed one on them- aside from feeding them at pretty set times when they were babies. Now, at 13 months, this is what we are doing:
• Wake up: anytime between 530am and 8am
• Breakfast: between 8 and 830am
• Playtime : from 9ish-10am
• Milk & Nap: The boys are still getting part formula in their sippy cup along with some whole milk. We've had a little trouble getting used to the milk, so for now, this is what we're doing. The boys usually nap from 10am-12pm
• Playtime: from 12-130pm
• Lunch: sometime between 1 and 130pm
• Playtime: 2ish-3
• Milk & Nap: they generally sleep from 3 until 5, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more!
• Playtime with Daddy: from 5 until dinner sometime around 7.
• Dinner: is usually between 7 and 730 because we've found they sleep best if they go to bed about an hour after dinner.
• Bedtime: between 8 and 830 we start the bedtime routine including diapers, jammies, meds and milk. They generally go down without too much fuss and most nights sleep through the night. Some nights a quick bath or shower is tossed into the bedtime routine, but we are firm believers in not bathing everyday. Our kiddos have pretty sensitive skin and we've found that every night is just way too drying on their soft baby skin! Good ting, because there just aren't enough hours in the evening for that!
• H has taken to pooping before he falls asleep for either one or both of his naps... every single day. Then he cries or stands in his bed and talks loudly until I come change him. Little stinker- literally.
• The boys went to the nursery for the first time a few weeks ago while we were at MOPs. I thought they would cry when I left... not so much. I thought that would make me sad, but instead I was totally proud.
• We had dinner recently with two other couples. One couple has twins and the other has a singleton. It was so weird to watch the kids. It was very interesting to see how both sets of twins just got right to playing and didn't need much interaction with the adults other than to kind of be close enough to check in from time to time. The singleton was more interested in her parents and what they were doing, wanted to stay close and was more determined to do things her way. After the moms got to talking about it was obvious that it was just one of those differences in raising twins- they just don't really get 100% of the attention, the toys or anything for that matter. While that kind seems sad, I think its also kind of a good thing.
• I'm trying to think of things to get out of the house for this fall/winter. We have MOPs once per month and a play group once a month, but I feel like the other two weeks need some kind of outing for the boys. Anyone have any ideas? I've considered the toddler playtime at a bouncy house place in the area, but its for 3 and under and I'm not sure if my boys are ready for that... thoughts? Otherwise I feel like the more 'organized' things people generally take their kids to are a little hard when you have two the same age. Our MOPs group does one outing every month that is for the kiddos, but the first two are outdoors and not really stroller friendly so they are unfortunately a no go for us.
• I'm fully embracing fall. Hubs ordered me pumpkin coffee and apple cider a couple of weeks ago and they are now my favorite afternoon treat. This week kicks off Soup Sundays at our house, and I can't wait to get a big pot on the stove top!
• Tomorrow we're going to the multiples consignment sale. I also look forward to it because there is so much stuff and on the second day most things are half off-- talk about amazing deals!

That's all for now, and really, it is way more than I thought I had in me! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the change of pace fall brings. While I miss the sunny afternoons in the backyard with my babies, I'll trade it in for the drizzle and cloudy skies if it means the holiday season is right around the corner. I can't wait to see the boys experience everything this year!

$42,620

I know I've spoken pretty freely about the infertility insurance we were blessed with through my husbands employer. Were. Past tense, he ended his position with them last Friday and began a new position with a new company today. One of the biggest worries I had with him changing jobs was how that would impact our family building plans. With our previous policy we were VERY blessed to have 'full' coverage for 6 iui's and 3 ART courses of treatment (3 fresh or frozen IVF cycles). We live in a state that does not have mandatory coverage laws when it comes to infertility, so it was a huge blessing that Hub's company was based in a state (IL) that did have such mandates. It was a pretty big surprise to find out that our new policy would also have a bit of coverage. Though it isn't as impressive as the last package, it is something-- and money that we will not have to come up with when we are ready for an FET. Thank goodness!

In an effort to keep some info from our infertility treatment days without searching through EOBs, I took a little time today on our old insurance company's website to make a list of what we've spent on infertility and also a list of what was billed- since our new policy is a dollar amount instead of a # of cycles.

I kind of wanted to throw up when I saw that number. I talked to my mom last week and kind of off the cuff said without our coverage we probably would have spent about $40k on treatments so far. When I said that it seemed like a big number that was probably inaccurate. Guess who was painfully close to correct?

$42,620 for consults, testing, six IUIs and two fresh IVF cycles.

Oh my gosh. What would we have done if we didn't have that coverage? Found a way I suppose, but I am even more thankful now than I was then. To paint the whole picture, we only paid about 12.5% of that out of pocket-- most of which was co-payments.

Insane. It is heartbreaking to me that there are so many couples who are unable to do all that we've done because they don't have the insurance coverage we had and the money just isn't there to afford trying for the baby/babies they long for.

12 months... one whole year!

I still can't believe it has been an entire year. Here is the run down of what the boys are up to these days...

• Both boys are clapping-- I cant remember if I said at 11 months that H was clapping, but now we have two little clappers. Whenever they hear clapping they start in. Also, if they hear YAY! they start clapping-- so stinking cute!
• A is walking behind push toys, and while H can also do it, he is much less interested. The kid can crawl so fast he doesn't care about walking!
• New food loves-- grilled cheese, banana or blueberry pancakes, french toast, applesauce, peaches preferably the whole piece of fruit, every once in awhile they will eat a little deli turkey or chunks of chicken.... uh, carb lovers?
• Both are obsessed with the fountain park. We have taken them a few times and each time they are more fearless with the water. Not to mention how stinking cute they are in those little swim suits :)
• We joined MOPs. There hasn't been a meeting yet, but we are members.
• H stands on his own for decent periods of time now and looks pretty proud of himself while he is doing it! A has started the same in the last few days, but for much shorter periods of time.
• Both boys got their first haircut at about 11.5 months- talk about looking waaay more grown up in a matter of minutes!
• H is pretty solidly wearing 12 month clothing with many 9m things mixed in. He still wears some 6m shorts because his waist is pretty tiny. A is wearing things ranging from 6-9m with some 12m jammies mixed in. 
• Both boys are in size 3 diapers and size 4 overnights-- I think both will be able to move up after the box that arrived on our doorstep this morning. --ps, diaper delivery is amazing!
• H LOVES anything with wheels. At home it is cars when we're out it is strollers and anything else with wheels. When he sits in the shopping cart at costco he loves to hang himself out over the side to watch the wheels. 
• A likes toys he can walk behind, a ride around the back yard on a blanket, and anything resembling a blankie- clothes, sheets, he isn't too picky.
• Their favorite song is Wheels on the Bus and a close second is I'll Love You Forever. 
• Both are starting to wave, but it is not even close to mastery yet. 
• They are getting so much better at napping. They'll either play in their cribs talking for a little while, or sometimes just roll right over and go to sleep when I lay them down (still twice per day). I just wish this was the case at night. We're still rocking them to sleep most nights, and H is still waking up at night to be rocked some more most nights. 
• They are eating 3 meals per day along with 3 bottles (sippy cups are still a problem). Until we start milk soon, they are getting somewhere between 18-21oz of formula per day. Some days they have a snack in the afternoon, but not very often because they are pretty big eaters at meal times. 
• The boys received a lot of new toys for their birthday-- and seem to be really enjoying most of them. 
• They both say Mama and Dada, but they are not always directed at us, so I'm not entirely sure it counts.
• At their well baby appointment last week:
• H: Weight 21 lbs 12.8oz (33%) Height 30 3/4" (78%) Head 48cm (89%)
• A: Weight 21 lbs 10.2oz (31%) Height 29 3/4" (48%) Head 47.5cm (80%                     So, in summary, they are a little on the skinny side, H is tall-ish and A is average in height... and their heads are on the large side. In terms of meeting milestones all of the physical milestones are being met, but the boys a little 'behind' in terms of speech. Hubs and I aren't overly concerned and neither was our ped. she finds that twins have a slightly delayed speech pattern and was all for waiting until their 15m or 18m well visit before we worry too much. IF they are still running a little behind we will be referred to an early intervention clinic and be evaluated for speech. They also had their shots, which made them VERY VERY angry this time. This time it was Hep A, MMR, Chickenpox and Pneumococcal.

Since this is already super late, I think I'll stop there. Hopefully I'll have photos from their party uploaded soon so I can share the details!

Enjoying a little birthday cake!
Don't mind the red mark on A's face, we let him try a rib and the rub/sauce irritated his skin a little.

Mother of the year...

Last night we tried crying it out... unintentionally.

Yeah, you caught that right.

Sometime in our bedtime routine the monitor fell into a basket of books and the microphone was covered. I'm fairly sure A slept all night as he normally does. H on the other hand... he never, ever makes it all night. I have to at least get up once to locate his lollie and give it back to him. Most nights there is some rocking, and a lot of nights he just ends up in our bed. So when I woke up this morning I was SO proud of him. Until I heard the boys fussing down the hall and not a peep coming from our monitor. Ugh. I feel horrible that my little guys could have (and likely did) need me in the night and I wasn't there to come check on them. H has been acting super sleepy today which only makes me feel worse!

GUILT!

Maybe all we needed to make our boy sleep was one, unintentional night of crying it out.... I'm not holding my breath, but it would make me feel better!

365 Days...

That is how long I've been a Mama to babies on the outside of my body. Surely I was their Mama from the moment they were created, but one year is how long I've been snuggling, feeding, diapering, kissing, and taking care of every need of our boys. I can't believe an entire year has passed already. I remember that day- what seems like every single moment, right down to the words that were said and the looks that were exchanged between my husband and I in the hours leading up to our debut as parents. I remember shaking in the OR and my OB calmly reassuring me that not only would everything be fine, but that my babies would know my love for them from the moment they took their first breath on the outside of my body. I can recall how everything looked around me as I laid eyes on each of my boys for the first time. So many sweet memories from that day. I will cherish that day for as long as I live, the day every ounce of hurt, pain, longing and frustration became really and truly worth it.. the day I became a mom.

This year looks a bit different than last year. I will still be waking up early, though with any luck it wont be AS early. Instead of driving to the hospital with great anticipation, instead we'll walk down our hallway, and watch with great anticipation as they discover their birthday gifts from us and navigate a hallway of streamers and balloons. And instead of not eating breakfast, I'll join my sweet little pancake lovers for some blueberry treats. This afternoon we'll hit up the fountain park and watch them explore a place they love and maybe they'll get a little taste of ice cream when we're done playing. Tonight we'll tuck our sweet little boys into their cribs with their pacifiers and the burp clothes they treat like blankies, and instead of being slightly terrified like we were on that first night in the hospital, we'll give each other the same look we give each other every night.... the one that says 'how could we love them any more?' 'We've finally got this figured out' and 'thanks for making me a mom/dad' all in one simple little glance.

It has easily been the hardest, most fulfilling BEST year of my entire life. I wouldn't change one moment of it- I can't wait to see what their second year has in store for us!

Any Ideas?

1. Sippy cups.... the boys are not good at them. I give them a sippy cup with water each day (ok, most days) in addition to their three bottles and three meals- usually they end up being banged on the tray and everyone ends up a little more wet than I'd planned. It isn't for lack of trying though- I think we have six different types of cups. If you have a favorite let me know!

2. Nighttime waking.... I am willing to admit we've done VERY little in terms of sleep training. We've broken a lot of 'rules' and I'm not really sorry about any of it. I've loved having my babies in bed with me from time to time, but we are reaching a point where H is finding his way into our bed early every morning. I'd like to fix this, but the boys do share a room, so letting him fuss/cry it out isn't really an option. When he gets picked up and brought to our room he is usually either asleep before he gets to our room, or shortly after he gets into our bed. Occasionally we do rock him in his room and put him back down once he falls asleep, but to be honest, we are too tired for that most of the time! Last night I tried not bringing him to our bed... I got up to rock him every two hours and he required a bottle to go to sleep the final time.

3. Diapers... my boys have always been more on the side of constipated than the other direction. In the recent weeks we've had some issues in that department that we haven't been used to. I can count on both hands how many times we've had to change an outfit because of poop in the last year between TWO babies... I'd say half of those have been in the last month. I don't think it has anything to do with the diapers we are using- it has to do with the poo... which I have to assume is due to the food. I fed the boys the BRAT diet for a few days and it seemed to get a little better, but then I introduced oatmeal again and this morning A wished me a happy anniversary with a full diaper and poo up his back-- gross! Could it just be a yucky stomach that needs to heal, or are our oatmeal days numbered?

4. Birthdays.... its almost the boys' first birthday and I have no idea what to get them. We just spent $800 on car seats and a new stroller, so maybe that is gift enough! What did you do for a first birthday gift, or did you skip it because they have no idea and your family spoiled your kiddo rotten anyway?!?!

5. Pacifiers... We had every intention (a year ago, and maybe even 6 months ago) to take away the lollies when the boys turned one. I'm just not sure they are ready... and I'm even more sure I am not ready! But, our doctor has told us time and time again that it is in the end easier for them the younger they are-- less attached and all that jazz. Ideas? Bottles will be happening shortly too (after we master the sippy) so if you have tips on that one I'll gladly take those too!