Here we go again...

I started my period on Friday while I was still out of town visiting family for the holiday, so I stealthily slipped away to make the call to my clinic to report that CD1 had arrived. Being that it was a holiday weekend I had to leave a message with the service and wait for the nurse to return my call. When she called she let me know that an early ultrasound was not necessary because I don't appear to be a cyst grower (which I already knew from last cycle), but otherwise we are going to go with a very similar protocol to last cycle. The only other change will be that my mid cycle scan will be on CD14 instead of CD12 because my follies grew at such a slow pace last cycle.

It is hard for me to believe that we are already starting our third IUI cycle. I feel like we were just walking into the RE's office for the first time. We were nervous, anxious and all together uneasy about what would come from our consultation. It seems utterly insane that at this point we've both endured some invasive testing, I've given myself two injections, done two inseminations, left several vials of blood at the lab and have spent many mornings driving 40 minutes for a rendezvous with the wand.

So here I am on CD3, the first dose of clomid is already working its magic and I am hopeful that this will be it. In 11 days I have an appointment with the same doctor that preformed our last insemination (because my doctor will be out of the office again) and from there we will either schedule the trigger and insemination or I will be back in the office a few days later for another ultrasound.

So, here we are. We've found ourselves at the beginning of another cycle hoping and praying that this is it.

Here we go again...

It stinks to be right....

I hate it when we find that we were absolutely and totally right when we decided not to share our infertility with all of our friends and family. Sound funny? I know, I should be happy that we made what seems like the right choice, but instead it makes me sad and angry that people have no idea how to deal with this topic- in turn making us feel like if we do share we can't expect much from those that we reach out to.

A little back story to my rant this morning...

We've told VERY few people about what we are dealing with, let me introduce you to them:

Fertile Couple: They've conceived 4 times without even trying, and often make comments like "maybe you are just meant to be a really great aunt" or "you can have one of ours" or "just enjoy not having kids, you will miss this." Great, thanks.

Best friend: She's a health teacher, not married and has known we were trying since nearly the beginning. She doesn't ask about what is going on, and sometimes that is nice but it would be good to know that she cares from time to time. I know it is an awkward subject and no one wants to end up on the phone with a crying infertile woman, but isn't that what best friends are for??

"Infertile" turned pregnant #1: She tried to get pregnant for 6 months, begged for clomid and got pregnant on the first shot. She didn't do a great job of being there for me during her pregnancy (that may have been partially because of my resentfulness), but after the birth she really struggled and I think she is realizing how hard what I am going through really is. She does a pretty great job of being there for me even when she doesn't totally get what I am facing.

"Infertile" turned pregnant #2: Tried to get pregnant for a little over a year, was told after one (kinda crazy) SA they would need to do IVF to get pregnant... they never got a second opinion. They went on to get pregnant on their own right around the one year mark. My guess is it was just a bad SA. She claims to "totally understand" what I am going through. She sent me TWO emails over the weekend begging for an update on IUI#2 and when I replied with the bad news she never even responded.

All this to say... I am beyond thankful this Thanksgiving for all of my fantastic blog friends. I hate infertility, but I love that we can all encourage each other through this trying (haha) time.

Nope.

The nurse just called... the conversation regarding my beta began with 'unfortunately.'

I'm OK.

I still have a lot to be thankful for this week. My insurance covering infertility just happens to top that list. Knowing that we have options and that we will not have to make choices about our future fertility treatments based solely on the financial burden that they bare is a HUGE blessing and not something I take for granted as we continue on this journey.

We're another step closer. It will happen. Someday.

And again...

When the hubs and I started trying to get pregnant none of our close friends or family were currently knocked up. Shortly after we threw away the birth control one of my good friends from high school got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby 9 months later... she is due with her second any day now. Lapped. About 5 months after we started trying my brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy and later had my first nephew... my brother called tonight and told me they are pregnant with their second. Lapped again.

Although I absolutely know that none of this has any impact on my own conception, it is in these moments that I feel like we've been at this FOREVER. Well, that AND the fact that I am going to hear about nothing more than this new baby from my mother for the next nine months....

On a positive note, my beta is in 5 days!

Whoops!

At some point in the last few weeks or maybe months my blog may have been compromised. By compromised, I mean found by some friends and possibly family. If this is a case, I would greatly appreciate you letting me know if you are reading along on our journey. In addition to letting me know that you've found me, I would also appreciate that you keep everything that you read on this blog to yourself. This has been an amazing outlet for me in the past year and knowing that it was private from our family and friends has given the opportunity to be very candid in my writing.

Thanks!

Paper Sheets....

You know, those glorious sheets with which you cover yourself for ultrasounds and other gynecological procedures. I have never, I repeat NEVER had a problem with one. I am typically wearing a longish shirt and tuck the top of the sheet into the bottom of my shirt and then sit and patiently wait for the doctor to knock and come into the room. Well, on Wednesday I had my first and hopefully last 'paper sheet malfunction.'

All was well until the doctor said "Lets get started. Go ahead and lay back and relax your legs." Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiip, there went the sheet! Honestly, my modesty went out the window the first time I was violated by the wand. So, I wasn't too worried about my compromised paper covering. Sure there was now a huge gaping hole in the paper sheet right over my lady bits, but lets be honest the doctors head was between my legs and the nurse was down on the business end of things as well. The only other people in the room were my husband and I, and if either of us was offended by seeing those parts there might be some other issues that need to be addressed in terms of why we aren't getting pregnant! The doctor quickly jumped up, got me a new sheet and re-draped me to ensure complete coverage- I just kind of laughed inside. I know he was just trying to make me comfortable, but come on, you've got a spotlight shinning on my whoo-ha for heaven sake!!!

Oh the joys of infertility!

And so it begins....

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but last cycle I had a bizarre thing happen. Every morning post insemination, I would wake up ridiculously early. Early like 3 or 4 am. I would typically lay in bed and try to go back to sleep until at least 5ish, but most mornings it was futile. Usually, I'd just get up and make my way to the living room with my lap top and either poke around on the internet or blog.
Today I'm 1dpiui and wouldn't you know it, I am up and blogging at 5am. The good news is, my BBT shot up this morning, so I can be confident that I did in fact ovulate on insemination day. Also, most of the bloated feeling is gone! Both times I have taken the trigger shot I've felt super bloated until after ovulation. It is such an uncomfortable feeling, especially when you have to have the insemination done with a full bladder. I thought I was going to die (or pop) yesterday when I was waiting for the doctor to come do the procedure!

11 days until my beta. I am trying to fill my days so I don't have much time to think about the outcome of this cycle. Thankfully there are Christmas gifts to wrap, family pictures to take, cards to create, seasonal decor to swap out and plenty of sewing and organizing to be completed- I think my days will be plenty busy between now and then!