Today was a good day.
I had a chance to catch up with a friend from college and as we were chatting, it became pretty apparent that we both were skirting the same issue. Infertility. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it sure is comforting to know that I have someone in real life that gets it. It felt great to sit for three hours and hash out everything that is hard about it with someone who both understood and wasn't awkward when it came to sharing intimate details on the ins and outs of this mess.
With my track record, she will probably be pregnant by next week. I'm OK with that, because for today I felt like I was part of a secret sorority of sorts... The Empty Womb Society.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
A duffel bag full of rocks...
I lost it last night. Plain and simple....
Ever since my husband and I moved into our house my least favorite thing about it was the family that lived across the street. Their kids are SUPER noisy, whine all the time and they are just an odd group. So, last night when we arrived home from a little weekend away I glanced across the street and told the hubs that I was pretty sure they were moving out. Three cheers for quiet summer mornings!
Fast forward about two hours. We had been watching all of our DVR'd shows from the weekend when I asked my husband to pause it so I could use the bathroom. I said something to the effect of "give me five minutes." Well, five turned into ten as I was opening the windows on the front of out house for the evening breeze. When I returned to the living room with the huge smile on my face and said something to the effect of "I think it is REALLY happening!!!" his poor heart began to flutter. He said "what is happening?!?" and without a thought I said, "they are moving!!!"... his heart sank.
I didn't realize any of this until we were climbing into bed last night and he told me. It hurt. For some reason, I feel OK about the duffel bag of hurt I lug around behind me day in a day out, but it kills me to see the pain in his eyes. I know that our journey has been difficult for him, just like it has for me, but I often forget to step back and see that his pain is just as real as mine. Just as warranted and just as wearing.
I cried. I sobbed. I let all of the frustrations of the last few months come streaming down my face. We talked. We cried. We prayed. We held each other until we fell asleep.
Although I don't enjoy spending my nights sobbing and my mornings recovering, it was a good reminder, one that I needed......
I don't have to drag the duffel bag of pain and heartache alone. I've got a partner, and he is SO much stronger than me. If we each take a side and do this together we can make it. We WILL make it.
Today I am so thankful for a husband who wants the best for me, cares for me more than I could have ever wished he would, and mostly thankful for partner on this journey.
Ever since my husband and I moved into our house my least favorite thing about it was the family that lived across the street. Their kids are SUPER noisy, whine all the time and they are just an odd group. So, last night when we arrived home from a little weekend away I glanced across the street and told the hubs that I was pretty sure they were moving out. Three cheers for quiet summer mornings!
Fast forward about two hours. We had been watching all of our DVR'd shows from the weekend when I asked my husband to pause it so I could use the bathroom. I said something to the effect of "give me five minutes." Well, five turned into ten as I was opening the windows on the front of out house for the evening breeze. When I returned to the living room with the huge smile on my face and said something to the effect of "I think it is REALLY happening!!!" his poor heart began to flutter. He said "what is happening?!?" and without a thought I said, "they are moving!!!"... his heart sank.
I didn't realize any of this until we were climbing into bed last night and he told me. It hurt. For some reason, I feel OK about the duffel bag of hurt I lug around behind me day in a day out, but it kills me to see the pain in his eyes. I know that our journey has been difficult for him, just like it has for me, but I often forget to step back and see that his pain is just as real as mine. Just as warranted and just as wearing.
I cried. I sobbed. I let all of the frustrations of the last few months come streaming down my face. We talked. We cried. We prayed. We held each other until we fell asleep.
Although I don't enjoy spending my nights sobbing and my mornings recovering, it was a good reminder, one that I needed......
I don't have to drag the duffel bag of pain and heartache alone. I've got a partner, and he is SO much stronger than me. If we each take a side and do this together we can make it. We WILL make it.
Today I am so thankful for a husband who wants the best for me, cares for me more than I could have ever wished he would, and mostly thankful for partner on this journey.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Cruel...
Infertility is cruel. I feel like I can't take anything for face value anymore. I know that once I finally get pregnant *fingers crossed* I will not truly believe it until the moment I hold my baby. I've lost ALL trust in my body.
So, on to the point of this rambling post...
I've got crazy cycles when I am not medicated. Crazy like 90 days long, bleeding that lasts for days or weeks and enough positive OPKs to build one of those toothpick bridges that you make in your high school science class.... make mine the Golden Gate. Seriously, my chart looks like a freaking mountain range with peaks and valleys all over the place. Today, just a few days after a period that lasted just shy of two weeks (shoot me now) I took an OPK and it was blatantly positive. Like so positive the first line was WAY darker than the second and about twice as thick. Seriously? I would love to believe that on cycle day 18 ovulation is just around the corner and that I might- just might have a normal cycle, but with my reproductive system's track record, I am not counting on it. Make no mistake, I've already alerted the husband that he must, I repeat MUST come home at a decent hour from his poker game tonight just in case the science experiment in our bathroom really is for real.
Geesh, the things we do.....
So, on to the point of this rambling post...
I've got crazy cycles when I am not medicated. Crazy like 90 days long, bleeding that lasts for days or weeks and enough positive OPKs to build one of those toothpick bridges that you make in your high school science class.... make mine the Golden Gate. Seriously, my chart looks like a freaking mountain range with peaks and valleys all over the place. Today, just a few days after a period that lasted just shy of two weeks (shoot me now) I took an OPK and it was blatantly positive. Like so positive the first line was WAY darker than the second and about twice as thick. Seriously? I would love to believe that on cycle day 18 ovulation is just around the corner and that I might- just might have a normal cycle, but with my reproductive system's track record, I am not counting on it. Make no mistake, I've already alerted the husband that he must, I repeat MUST come home at a decent hour from his poker game tonight just in case the science experiment in our bathroom really is for real.
Geesh, the things we do.....
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