It was an easy decision. Before we even started trying to get pregnant, I knew that I didn’t want to tell any of our family or friends. I had heard countless times that once you tell people you are TTC it is like inviting them into your personal life, and nothing is simply personal information anymore. I had seen it in action, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I don’t care if you are someone’s mother, best friend, or biggest supporter some things are just not up for discussion. And further more, this journey is an intimate and personal one, not something that I particularly want to feel the need to “update” people on.
Don’t get me wrong. In the year plus that we have been attempting to get pregnant we’ve told a few people. I don’t regret it. The people we’ve told are people we know and trust. People who we hope can keep our secret. It has been nice to have a few “safe” people to talk to about the struggle; people who we know will be absolutely overjoyed when our time finally comes. But, in the meantime I’ve got a couple people who I can share my real feelings with, and that has proven to be invaluable. When you are walking this walk, it is constantly on your mind. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my fertility or lack there of. It begins at 5am when my alarm goes off and the thermometer goes into my mouth. It is at that point that my day is decided.
Some days it is easy to keep the secret, others are a completely different story. Some days I just want to stop living this lie. I feel like I am constantly putting on a happy face when inside I am hurting. When I know we will be in situations where it is inevitable that someone will ask us when we are thinking about starting our family I come armed with answers and excuses. I prepare myself constantly for someone to announce their pregnancy, which undoubtedly was “a surprise” or “conceived on the first try.” I can’t wait to remember what life felt like when I didn’t have to constantly be on guard. Someday.