Knowing..

We've been talking a ton about adding to our family lately. Honestly, ever since the early days if parenting twins we've been talking to the boys about the sibling(s) they'll have someday. We've always known. It's never really been a question, even on the most difficult if days-- this mama's heart is sure, there will be another-- at least one, maybe more.

I  received an email recently asking me about having twins and  how and when we made the decision that we wanted more.  I never answered the email because each time I started to type, the words sounded so silly to me,  cliché and canned. So unhelpful to this person several states away that I don't know. But here is what I should have said....

• I knew when I was a little girl that I'd be pregnant more than once. I never really idealized pregnancy as a child, I just imagined I'd do it more than once. 
• Hubs and I both grew up in families with three kids, we both always assumed we'd likely have the same. 
• Even through the countless fertility treatments, I still imagined doing it all more than once. 
• When I got pregnant with twins I was (am still am) completely satisfied, but I still knew I'd like another if it was possible. 
• As I went through a very uneventful pregnancy with multiples, I knew I could and God willing, would do it again. 
• When my boys were born screaming and peeing, and I watched as my husband became a daddy- I knew. 
• When I held and kissed slimy babies who knew me from their first breath as their mama, I was sure. 
• And, my feeling have only been affirmed since then- I hope and pray it's all possible again. I am a mom through and through. 

All of that said, I know it isn't the same for everyone. Some take a long time to realize something, or rather somebody, is missing from their family. One things I've heard over and over from seasoned moms who are done having babies- you will know. There will be a moment of clarity. Sometimes its in the trenches of a tough situation- sometimes its when your family just feels so right and full in a perfect moment. I obviously can't say if that is true or not, because I am not there yet. I hope that in just the same way I know I'd like another, someday I'll have a peace about being done as well.

Advent

I think I've mentioned before that we've been looking -- if you can even call it that-- for a church. It's hard with two babies, and we've been making excuse after excuse about why we can't make it work each week. Bottom line, our boys still nap twice a day- they NEED that morning nap and it happens at about 10am, give or take. So either we have super fussy babies in an unfamiliar church/nursery while we look for a church, or we don't go. Generally we choose the latter.

I've been craving it though. Some connection,  some spiritual grounding, especially during the holidays. Advent is such a time of waiting and expectation- it seems so fitting for me, an infertile, to find hope in these days leading up to Christmas. If you're new to the party, I wrote this post a few years ago and it remains something I think about often. 

In an effort to get connected to advent I decided look for an advent devotional. I'm only a few days in,  and if  you're interested you'd only need to catch up a few days, but so far it has been so good. After each day's readings I think to myself- I need this today, right where I am, but gosh, how I NEEDED it a few years ago. 

It's called 'The Greatest Gift' unwrapping the full love story of Christmas- by Ann Voskamp.

Not to worry, I'm not getting compensated for this, I just felt like I should pass the info along to all of you, especially those of you in a waiting period. It's good stuff. 

Preparing to jump.... again

As I said in my last post, thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface. Its funny, these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me. When I think about another pregnancy, it is in thinking about 'planning' it. So much about infertility (part one) was being a slave to not building expectations, learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others. And now, now we have more pieces in our puzzle. We have seen success, and we know what (at least last time) works for us. We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles. Both of those cycles I did become pregnant, at least briefly, and because of that, I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three.

In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015. So, why am I already thinking so much about all of this? We have fertility insurance. And while I am very thankful that we have it, it does add more hoops to be jumped. Like the fairly common '1 year of timed intercourse' before benefits can be utilized. Though I'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis, it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family. What this all means, is I'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year.

Its crazy. 'Trying' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts, but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan. This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't have any desire to become pregnant naturally- nor do I think it will happen. I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to, and I'd rather not push that out longer and longer.

The three embryos we have are something I think about daily, and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable. We aren't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come. And if we're being completely honest, we aren't sure how this story is going to play out. Will we try with all three (not at once), will one or more of them not survive the thawing process, will we become pregnant with our first FET attempt or will it take multiple tries, will any of those three embryos become our third child? I'm fairly confident in the process and I trust my doctor entirely, so I do believe the boys' sibling is waiting for us. But, the unknowns are somewhat daunting.

I'm somewhat worried about going off birth control. I'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles. I'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing, but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking/preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is.

I don't often hear/see people speaking about their frozen embryos. I think I've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy/birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had, but as it turned out it wasn't something she needed to worry about.

I'd love to hear your take on this, or what your plans are, my fellow IVFers. Either leave me a comment, or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments.

A little of this, and a little of that!

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog. I'm not entirely sure why, but its happening. Its weird though, because although our boys are more mobile now, they are also playing together(ish) more and are seriously cool to go to the playroom for sometimes 30 minutes at a time without needing mama to be right there. It is pretty sweet!

Here is a little update on our life....

• H is walking pretty well, he still drops to his knees if he wants to get somewhere quickly, but right around 13m he really took off.
• A will take a few steps here and there, and can navigate a push toy like a pro, but in general crawling is still his main form of transportation.
• As my babies are exiting the baby stage, I'm starting to think more and more about baby #3. I know, I have twins who are just barely one, but its true. I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks and while we are not even close to biting the 'IVF' bullet. I do have a few things to pick his brain about. We have new insurance and I'm not certain if we'll have to "try" for a year before using our benefits or not, but if we do have to, that means trying will likely commence very soon since we have an idea of when we'd like to do an FET-- how's that for faith in my reproductive system?
• Hubs started a new job about a month ago and LOVES it. It has been so nice for him to enjoy going to work in the mornings and be a happy daddy when he gets home at night.
• The boys are eating more and more of what we eat and it is so fun! Just last night we let them try stuffing for the first time, and it made me so excited for thanksgiving!
• A is getting some molars... its not my favorite, but I can't complain too much, my kids have been pretty easy teethers!
• We give the boys teething tablets from time to time, and H has taken to doing it himself. He looks so grown up taking his pills before bed.
• About a month ago Hubs and a camp-in with the boys in the living room. They slept inside out huge playpen together- seriously the CUTEST thing ever. They are doing it again tonight. I am so incredibly thankful that my babies have such a fun daddy.
• A & H haven't ever really been on a schedule, but all of a sudden a few weeks ago we just kind of fell into one. I have never pushed one on them- aside from feeding them at pretty set times when they were babies. Now, at 13 months, this is what we are doing:
• Wake up: anytime between 530am and 8am
• Breakfast: between 8 and 830am
• Playtime : from 9ish-10am
• Milk & Nap: The boys are still getting part formula in their sippy cup along with some whole milk. We've had a little trouble getting used to the milk, so for now, this is what we're doing. The boys usually nap from 10am-12pm
• Playtime: from 12-130pm
• Lunch: sometime between 1 and 130pm
• Playtime: 2ish-3
• Milk & Nap: they generally sleep from 3 until 5, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more!
• Playtime with Daddy: from 5 until dinner sometime around 7.
• Dinner: is usually between 7 and 730 because we've found they sleep best if they go to bed about an hour after dinner.
• Bedtime: between 8 and 830 we start the bedtime routine including diapers, jammies, meds and milk. They generally go down without too much fuss and most nights sleep through the night. Some nights a quick bath or shower is tossed into the bedtime routine, but we are firm believers in not bathing everyday. Our kiddos have pretty sensitive skin and we've found that every night is just way too drying on their soft baby skin! Good ting, because there just aren't enough hours in the evening for that!
• H has taken to pooping before he falls asleep for either one or both of his naps... every single day. Then he cries or stands in his bed and talks loudly until I come change him. Little stinker- literally.
• The boys went to the nursery for the first time a few weeks ago while we were at MOPs. I thought they would cry when I left... not so much. I thought that would make me sad, but instead I was totally proud.
• We had dinner recently with two other couples. One couple has twins and the other has a singleton. It was so weird to watch the kids. It was very interesting to see how both sets of twins just got right to playing and didn't need much interaction with the adults other than to kind of be close enough to check in from time to time. The singleton was more interested in her parents and what they were doing, wanted to stay close and was more determined to do things her way. After the moms got to talking about it was obvious that it was just one of those differences in raising twins- they just don't really get 100% of the attention, the toys or anything for that matter. While that kind seems sad, I think its also kind of a good thing.
• I'm trying to think of things to get out of the house for this fall/winter. We have MOPs once per month and a play group once a month, but I feel like the other two weeks need some kind of outing for the boys. Anyone have any ideas? I've considered the toddler playtime at a bouncy house place in the area, but its for 3 and under and I'm not sure if my boys are ready for that... thoughts? Otherwise I feel like the more 'organized' things people generally take their kids to are a little hard when you have two the same age. Our MOPs group does one outing every month that is for the kiddos, but the first two are outdoors and not really stroller friendly so they are unfortunately a no go for us.
• I'm fully embracing fall. Hubs ordered me pumpkin coffee and apple cider a couple of weeks ago and they are now my favorite afternoon treat. This week kicks off Soup Sundays at our house, and I can't wait to get a big pot on the stove top!
• Tomorrow we're going to the multiples consignment sale. I also look forward to it because there is so much stuff and on the second day most things are half off-- talk about amazing deals!

That's all for now, and really, it is way more than I thought I had in me! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the change of pace fall brings. While I miss the sunny afternoons in the backyard with my babies, I'll trade it in for the drizzle and cloudy skies if it means the holiday season is right around the corner. I can't wait to see the boys experience everything this year!

$42,620

I know I've spoken pretty freely about the infertility insurance we were blessed with through my husbands employer. Were. Past tense, he ended his position with them last Friday and began a new position with a new company today. One of the biggest worries I had with him changing jobs was how that would impact our family building plans. With our previous policy we were VERY blessed to have 'full' coverage for 6 iui's and 3 ART courses of treatment (3 fresh or frozen IVF cycles). We live in a state that does not have mandatory coverage laws when it comes to infertility, so it was a huge blessing that Hub's company was based in a state (IL) that did have such mandates. It was a pretty big surprise to find out that our new policy would also have a bit of coverage. Though it isn't as impressive as the last package, it is something-- and money that we will not have to come up with when we are ready for an FET. Thank goodness!

In an effort to keep some info from our infertility treatment days without searching through EOBs, I took a little time today on our old insurance company's website to make a list of what we've spent on infertility and also a list of what was billed- since our new policy is a dollar amount instead of a # of cycles.

I kind of wanted to throw up when I saw that number. I talked to my mom last week and kind of off the cuff said without our coverage we probably would have spent about $40k on treatments so far. When I said that it seemed like a big number that was probably inaccurate. Guess who was painfully close to correct?

$42,620 for consults, testing, six IUIs and two fresh IVF cycles.

Oh my gosh. What would we have done if we didn't have that coverage? Found a way I suppose, but I am even more thankful now than I was then. To paint the whole picture, we only paid about 12.5% of that out of pocket-- most of which was co-payments.

Insane. It is heartbreaking to me that there are so many couples who are unable to do all that we've done because they don't have the insurance coverage we had and the money just isn't there to afford trying for the baby/babies they long for.

Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

Updates!

It has been so long since I've written much other than a monthly update for the boys. So here are a few bullet point to get things caught up!

• Insurance is still lame. I was denied by another company for a private policy, so we've decided for the moment to have Hubs continue working where he is. On the plus side, the infertility coverage remains, and depending on how long he stays at this job we may be able to use the remainder of our IVF benefits.
• Depending on the above, baby number three may be thought about sooner than originally planned. Likely closer to a year from now instead of two this is both exciting and terrifying at the moment!
• We went on a family vacation a couple of weeks ago. Nothing too grand, we just rented a great big house and hung out for five days! Relaxing and fun!
• I am still taking met.formin... on the days I actually remember. I was SO good about it when I was on it and trying to get pregnant. Now? Not as much. I'm hoping to get better about it, because I know it will help.
• My lack of summer clothing is somewhat comical. I was hugely pregnant last summer and the summer before I didn't buy many new things because I was doing IVF and hopeful I'd be pregnant and expanding soon. So, that leaves me with things that are a few years old, a little dated and worn out! Its time to go shopping I guess!
• Over the weekend hubs and I removed some furniture from our living room and rearranged it so we could add a large-ish gated area for the boys. They are both crawling and climbing now and we had to do something before I went INSANE!
• 9 month sleep regression... not my favorite. 9 month sleep regression coupled with two babies with a cold... a little slice of hell. 
• The boys HATE finger food. H will try a few things, A turns his head and clinches his lips. Any tips tricks, food ideas?!?
• We're in the market for convertible car seats and a side by side smallish (reclining) double stroller.... any recommendations?
• I'm so excited for summer! Farmer's markets, festivals and fun outing with my little family on the weekends- pure joy!
• We finally put both cribs back in the nursery- I love the way it looks!
• I currently have one child napping in the swing that I need to return to a friend- They haven't been in it in months because I was trying to wean them from it. Buuuut, mama would do anything for a little nap time with two cranky stuffy babies
• It seems insane that we are already starting to semi-plan the boys' birthday party! We are really excited and want it to be plenty special for our little guys-- I have approximately one million craft project to complete in the next three months.
• My husband asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I grew up. I responded first with 'am I not grown up?' and second with 'I'm doing exactly what I've always dreamed about. Being a mom and taking care of my family.' It is not always (or ever really!) a glamorous job, but it is pretty close to perfection in my book!

Insurance

Ugh.

This morning has been upsetting... I'm not sure that word even encompasses all I've felt.

In the past several months Hubs has been considering a new job. It was never his long term plan to be there forever, but it was easy to stay- the money is good, the insurance is great and he really likes the people. This past week he received a job offer. While the position is a fantastic fit, their health insurance options are not the best. Being a small company (compared to the very large one he currently works for) the premiums are HIGH... like nearly 3x what we are currently paying for amazing (infertility included) coverage. We were willing to walk away from our IVF coverage to the possibilities that were in front of us, and even take a slight pay cut all with a plan for the boys and I to get a private health insurance policy for a significantly reduced rate. Sure it wouldn't be perfect, but it would be doable. Until I was denied. I have to be honest, I was surprised. I knew infertility could be a problem, but I guess I just assumed (obviously incorrectly) that since it  is not covered under this policy that it would be a non-issue. Wrong.

It is upsetting because while I do still very much identify with the infertility community, I feel like it is behind me to some extent. We have three more embryos we intend to try with, but I feel pretty resolved at this point- if they don't produce a pregnancy, I'm finished with treatments. I get that I may change my mind, but I have been in such a great place since becoming pregnant with our boys. Today, well today reminded me of the hurt I felt before. That failure feeling- because now this possibly great fit job for my husband may have to be declined because we need to stay with our group health plan- because once again my reproductive system is getting in the way of the plans we have for our family.

Thankfully my husband does not blame me in any way for this. Infertility has always been something that was an 'us' thing, not a 'me' problem. I am so very thankful for this fact, and for the fact that he sees how this all hurts me and generally knows just what to say. He has been nothing but gracious this morning, saying if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. He is ok with having to continue on at his current employer if it is what it takes. He really is an amazing provider for our family.

I just wish infertility didn't have to steal our joy once more.

Met.formin

Quick question for any PCOS'ers that are still sticking around to read my sporadic (at best!) posts....

My RE mentioned at some point during my treatment that it might be a good idea to go back on met.formin after the birth of our babies/breastfeeding. We didn't talk about it too much, she just said it might help control the PCOS symptoms and I didn't give it a lot of thought at the time because it seemed like a long way off. Well, here I am. Done breast feeding and obviously no longer pregnant- and while I am no where near ready to start trying to get pregnant again, I am thinking about how important it will be for my body to be in the best state it can be once we are ready.

So, my question is this... Did you go back on met.formin after having your baby/ies as more of a maintenance medication for PCOS rather than a drug in conjunction with fertility treatments? 

I saw my primary care doctor today for a thyroid check-up and talked with her about the possibility of starting back on met.formin. She was receptive to the idea, but said we first needed to check my fasting glucose level and my HA1C to ensure that the met.formin wouldn't be adversely effecting my blood sugar.

Thought Vomit...

• Life with twins in exhausting, in the absolute best way. 
• We are a traveling freak show. So much so, that when I go out and don't get stopped by at least three people I start to feel odd. 
• Watching my husband interact with our boys is one of my favorite things. 
• We know we want another baby, and I am absolutely terrified it wont happen. I think we're leaning toward not doing another fresh cycle for several reasons that I might share more about in another post someday, so its up to three frozen embryos, a spontaneous pregnancy or a change of heart about another fresh cycle waaaay down the road. 
• Laundry. There is A LOT of it. 
• Ever since the boys started sleeping through the night and dropped a feeding I've needed to be a lot more careful about what I eat. Gone are the days of this nursing mama eating anything and everything she wants!
• The boys are both drooling a TON, and constantly have their hands in their mouths. I am afraid for my nipples. 
• Once the boys started sleeping through the night it became very difficult to wake up with one of them in the wee morning hours. On the nights it happens I find it much harder than it was when they were tiny newborns-  I guess its because back then I expected it. 
• One week until Christmas. We just ordered our Christmas cards. Whoops!
• I think we're going to transition the boys from the co-sleeper (its a mini) into one of their cribs in our room this weekend. I have a feeling there isn't going to be a whole lot of sleep going on... for any of us!
• We are working on changing our spare room/office over to a playroom for the boys. It will be really nice to have a space to keep some of the larger toys. 
• My hair is falling out like crazy. We figured out my thyroid was way off which could be a contributor, or it may just be postpartum hair loss.... either way, no thank you. 
• I really need to sew some stockings for the boys....again, Christmas is in ONE WEEK.
• We've traveled for Christmas every year we've been married. This year we are not making the 2 hour drive. It will be just the four of us, and I'm looking forward to the nice relaxing holiday. Hubs is taking the whole week off, so we will have daddy home for a nice chunk of time!
• The boys take 4 or 5 one hour naps per day.. I can't wait until we can drop a couple of those and make a couple of the others LONGER! It is so hard to get things done!
• I would not change a single thing about my life right now. I am so deliriously happy- it makes me realize just how unhappy I was in the years we were struggling to get pregnant. 

"Is it hard?"- postpartum encounters with an infertile

As part of my postpartum care I had an appointment with the postpartum/lactation care clinic at the hospital where I delivered about 3 days after I was discharged. This was one of our first outings with the babies and we turned a lot of heads with our long double stroller holding two of the cutest (I may be biased) faces on the planet. 

As we were walking into the hospital, a young nurse peeked in on the boys and asked me 'Is it hard?' to which I replied 'yes, but not as hard as I thought it would be.' She then shared with me, a complete stranger, that she was going through fertility treatments and had been told that multiples were a very real possibility. I quickly shared that we'd been there and that every single thing she'd face in the coming months would be absolutely worth it.

 

We were running late for our appointment and she appeared to be returning from a break, but as we walked our separate ways, we both wished each other luck and I said a quick prayer for her that she'd be as blessed as I've been. 

Ironic...

There are a lot of reasons why I love blogging, one of the biggest is being able to go back to a certain date and seeing where I was in that moment. I've often looked back at the same day in the previous year to see how things had changed or not changed.

On THIS very day one year ago, I wrote about what I guess was the official end of my first pregnancy. It was the day my beta finally reached zero. Though I'm sure I was feeling sad for all that we'd lost, I was also ready to pick myself up and begin moving on. I was ready to start preparing both my heart and my body to try again- to attempt once more to find myself pregnant with the hope of carrying that baby (or babies!) until they were big enough and strong enough to come home with us.

I find it somewhat ironic that I wrote on that day about becoming 'un-pregnant', because today the same thing will happen, only this time my appointment is for a c-section not a beta. It is amazing in one year's time we've really come full circle. Dreams have been realized, and on a day that was bittersweet last year, I will this year have two sweet boys placed in my arms!

On this day...
4 years ago, we were in the midst of our first cycle of trying for a baby.
3 years ago, we were a couple of cycles into clomid.
2 years ago, we were in the process of beginning treatment with our RE.
1 year ago, we had just miscarried our first pregnancy.

And today... Today, we become parents and our family not only grows, it DOUBLES!!!!

9 months isn't long enough...

In the past several weeks Hubs and I have been realizing our days of being a young couple are numbered. Sure we've known it for the last several months, but there is something about a house littered with baby supplies and a due date that is weeks (not months) away that makes it REALLY sink in.

We've been spending a lot of time just the two of us over the last several weeks and it has been awesome. We've made sure to do a few things that will be tricky once we have the boys with us and we've just been trying our best to really enjoy these days.

Over the weekend we celebrated our 6th anniversary. On Saturday night we grilled and sat on the deck until 10:30 just talking about everything that is about to happen. We talked about what scares us, what excites us and everything in between. I think the biggest thing we realized is, as excited as we are for the boys to be here in our arms, we aren't fully ready to give up the happy that we've finally found. We spent SO LONG trying to get pregnant- so long being disappointed- so long being sad and depressed that now that we've finally found our joy it is really hard to be ready for the next step. Don't get me wrong, there is going to be plenty of joy and happiness in the next chapter of our life, but the last nine months have been amazing. Life seemed so easy, so happy. We both just want a little longer to soak it in.

So, for the next 16 days we live as intentionally as possible. We soak in each day as if it is the last day of our 'couple-hood' and prepare for what will surely be one of the most memorable and happiest days of our life!

A moment...

..or maybe it was many moments. Either way I had one.. or several this afternoon.

When we purchased our house there were many things that made us choose this one- a great big back yard for our someday babies to play in and a nice big walk in shower were at the top of that list. This morning was nice and toasty outside so the Hubs and I spent a couple of hours in the backyard, him planting and me scrubbing baby items to let sit in the hot sun for the afternoon. The entire time I was out there the boys were kicking (someone has found my ribs!) and I was daydreaming about how much fun those little brothers would have in our backyard exploring and playing together. It was sweet and a feeling that I longed to feel for a very long time.

After a couple of hours, I hit my heat max and came inside to take a nice refreshing shower. That walk in shower that we've loved so dearly has been out of commission for over a year awaiting some tile/grout work and we FINALLY had it taken care of this week. Today was my first shower in there in a very long time. I spent a good portion of my time in there crying sobbing this afternoon. You see, that used to be my crying place. The place I'd run to when we'd find out once again that I wasn't pregnant, the place I'd go when it all got to be too much. My husband found me in there countless times just sitting on the floor sobbing. So today, when I got in there and recalled this place I hadn't been in so long, it was a very happy moment to see water rushing down my growing belly and know that this time I was crying happy tears after years of sad tears in that same spot.

Au Natural...

Since becoming pregnant I've been asked a million times if I plan to have a natural delivery.

I always laugh. 

Every time.

Here are my thoughts in no particular order.

• I'm having twins- I may not have a lot of say in how it all ends up. 
• I have ZERO attachment to having a natural birth.
• I do not see myself as less of a women if I choose not to 'do it the way millions of women have done it' ahead of me... without drugs- in fact, I fully intend to have an epi.
• I want these babies to get here safely. If that means drugs and knives I'm ok with that.
• These babies got to my uterus via massive amounts of medication, hormones, a plastic catheter, ICSI, 5 days in a lab and many, many people other than my husband and I... nothing about this process has been 'natural' I'm guessing that isn't going to change now.  
• I may or may not have placenta previa on their birthday complements of Baby A... if things don't move I will not have the option of a vaginal delivery- like it or not. 
• I don't want to have any expectations of their birthday. They will be deciding how their day is going to go- there is no sense in me trying to write it down and prepare for it. Let's remember that I planned on them being here about 3 years prior to their arrival date- obviously they are in the driver seat.

So, there you have it, my thoughts on the birth of these sweet little babies. It is weird to think that we're getting close to the halfway point of a normal 40 week pregnancy and likely have passed the halfway point in this twin pregnancy!

I know I have A LOT of natural delivery Mamas as readers. Please know that my thought of birth is 'to each her own' we all have differing feelings about birth... these are mine :)

Ten but not eleven...

So, last week in my 10 week update I said something about making it to ten weeks without any complications.... I will not be making the same claim on Tuesday in my 11 week update.

Friday night when I went to the bathroom to do my PM dose of endometrin, I found some brownish blood on my panty liner. I.freaked.out. Hysterical crying began within seconds and after a swipe with the TP, I saw more brown blood. I sobbed for about 10 minutes before I pulled myself together and looked at the situation as the informed infertile that I am, instead of the emotional one.

First, it was brown. There was not any hint of red, or even pink. After wiping multiple times, it was over. When I finally had it together enough to do my endometrin, there was very little brown blood on the applicator.
Second, we knew there was a third sac in there. It was very hard to see because of its placement in relation to baby B, and the assumption was that it was a fluid filled sac and may bleed.
Third, we're already doing everything we can to ensure these babes are delivered healthy- worrying will get us nowhere. Wow, was that a rational thought? Amazing.

The only decision I made friday night was to continue taking 2 doses of endometrin per day. As of Friday, I was supposed to taper down to just a PM dose. After the blood, I decided to keep on with two doses over the weekend and call my OB on Monday to see what she thought.

I was up multiple times in the night to go to the bathroom and didn't see a speck of brown blood on any if the 3 trips to the bathroom. When I woke up for the day I did see a little more brown CM when I wiped, but absolutely nothing since then.

I am hoping and praying that was the first and the last of it...

One.More.Day.

24 hours... which might as well be 24 days. I can't wait to find out exactly what is going on inside there! I'm feeling slightly more confident than I was earlier in the week, but I just want it to hurry up and happen. I'm pretty sure I've never been so excited for a vaginal ultrasound in all of my life!!!

P.S I was dreaming of pickles all.night.long. Perhaps I'll have one with my lunch and see if I find them as amazing as I did in my dreams last night!

The best laid plans...

I just realized that I never told you guys the story of how we told our families over Christmas. It was a comedy of errors really....

Both of our families always want to take a family photo sometime over the holiday, so we thought this would be the ideal time to break the news and get a fun memento of their reactions. Ha. 

First up was my family. We all gathered in front of the Christmas tree, just the members of my immediate family that were in attendance. Hubs got the camera all set up and we took a couple of pictures. I think he got a little nervous and ended up saying 'oh this one is good' and was ready to be done. I obviously objected and said lets do one more just in case and gave him 'the look.' With the next photo he ran, got into the picture and said 'W&W is pregnant!!' Well, that isn't totally true, he used my actual name, but you get the picture. The photo.... a bunch of blank stares. No smiles, no surprised faces, no screams. They all thought that Hubs was about to be killed. They thought he was kidding and I was about go after him. Yeah, like after all we've been through, which they are well aware of, I'm sure my husband would be dumb enough to JOKE about me being pregnant. 

Needless to say, we were a little disappointed, but it is one thing they will NEVER live down.

And a couple days later we did it all again thinking for sure my husbands family wouldn't peg him for the idiot my family obviously thought he was. Turns out, we were wrong. Same picture. No reaction... like zero, zilch. 

Yes, both families were very excited once they realized that this was for real, but our picture plan crashed and burned. Well, it failed in the sense that we don't have a picture of them screaming with surprise and excitement, we do however have two fairly funny pictures that we will love to show our kid/kids someday showing them just how excited their family was about the news of their arrival. Ha! 

Beta #2

I'm terrified.

I don't have any good reason to think things aren't progressing just fine, but the pregnancy from our last IVF cycle ruined me. I am so scared to get a call today that either starts with 'unfortunately' or ends with the words I heard last time... 'we'll just have to wait and see.' Today I'm looking for words like congratulations, pregnant, doubled, 800.

The worst part is, I feel like such a jerk for even posting that I'm scared. I mean Tuesday brought some pretty great looking numbers, numbers that some would argue sound an awful lot like twins. But, I try to be honest. And if I'm being honest, I'm terrified. Like really, really terrified.

Hopefully I'll be back this afternoon with some great news, until then say a prayer- cross your fingers- send good vibes... whatever it is you do, please do it!

Signs and Symptoms...

...that I am indeed pregnant. I am still daily looking at sicks that were dipped in urine (days ago, YUCK!) just to see those two lines that mean everything. Even if I'm still in disbelief that this is for real, there are a few things that serve as gentle daily reminders....

• Hello, maps for skin! I've always had visible veins, but it's reached a new level. The inside of my arms are kinda grossing me out!
• Oh-my-nipples! Seriously, ouch. The ladies MUST be roped in at all times!
• A feeling of bloat. Constantly. Some days it is uncomfortable to the point of doing the rubber band trick with my jeans. FYI, I may never button my pants again- who knew a rubber band could change EVERYTHING?!? Having my pants feel tight is weird given the fact that I've actually lost weight since we started this IVF cycle.
• I'm hungry. Maybe not weird for the general population, but when you've spent the last year on a metformin induced hunger strike, being hungry is very strange.
• A blazing feeling in my esophagus. After eating the most bland things (like a banana) I feel like there is a bit of a fire brewing in my chest.
• Toast- still on the NO list. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner late last week not really thinking about the whole toast thing. I couldn't eat it. My husband thinks it is hilarious. He is constantly saying things like 'yeah, I get it. I mean, toast is super spicy and flavorful. It totally makes sense that the thought of it makes you want to vomit.' Blah, blah, blah... weirder things are bound to happen!
• Waterworks! This one is twofold. I'm a pee'ing machine- I used to be able to hold it for hours. Now if I don't wake up in the night to go, it is a delicate dance to the bathroom in the morning when my alarm goes off. Seriously, once I'm upright it becomes a VERY pressing issue. Also, I may not full on cry, but the eyes get glassy over the most ridiculous things. Like pretty much every episode of Glee. It is like being on lu.pron all over again.

And you know what? I love every single one of the crazy things happening with my body. This morning when I seriously nearly pee'd myself when I got out of bed I was so happy, because I know it is for the absolute best reason EVER!

Soooo, there may be an explanation for the crazy symptoms so early and the insanely early positive HPT (4dp5dt). My nurse just called with my beta... 398 at 9dp5dt. That is nearly 4 times higher than the positive we got with our first IVF cycle. E2 was 2,036 (starting just one estrace tomorrow) and progesterone was nice and high at 83 compared to last time's 14.4 at this point.