six months

I just called my RE's office for the first time in a very long time. It was such a weird,  surreal experience. It was like nothing had changed and like everything had changed all at once. 

Instead of sitting on my end of the line proclaiming to the receptionist that YET AGAIN cycle day one had arrived and feeling a twinge of hope alongside the daunting reality that a baby could still be YEARS away, I was sitting in my living room with two babies giggling themselves to sleep a couple of rooms away. I was checking in on the absence of the annual babysitting bill for our embryos. ((Which leads me to a question, do you pay annually for the storing of your embryos? I was under the impression this was completely standard, but was told by someone recently that they do not pay an annual fee for storage.-- we pay about $350 per year, if you were curious. ))

Anyway, it was weird. Though I do desperately want another baby or maybe even two, it was different calling the office. I was mostly checking on the bill, but also looking into some insurance stuff for when we head back  this fall for an  FET consult with hopes of a transfer in early 2015. Somehow it just wasn't as terrifying.  I get that I have two perfect babies at home, perhaps knowing the physicians already makes it easier, or maybe it is just that I have more of an understanding of what to expect. I know the drill. I suspect that come fall/winter I  will find plenty of things to stress about, but until then, I am so grateful for this complete calm about what is  ahead.  

In other news- we're having a garage sale  this weekend. How is it that every single time I forget how much work it  is to have one? I know it will  feel great to get several things out of our house and to gain a little cash for  the things we don't need anymore, but seriously, somebody remind me next year that it is a TON of work to get it all pulled together! Thankfully Hubs is  totally on board for helping so, fingers crossed, it should be an enjoyable weekend of hanging out  outside and getting rid of all the things that take up every bit of our garage!

What else? The boys are HUGE. We sneak in most nights on our way to bed and cover them up and last night we both just couldn't hardly take how big they looked in their cribs. My babies will be TWO in less than two months. -- H is a horrid sleeper and wakes up most nights somewhere between 1 and 3am. He has a horrible time getting  back to sleep and most of the time in the last couple of weeks he has needed to come to bed with us in order to settle back down-- unless I want to rock him for two hours, which for the record, I do not. This is one of those 'twins are way harder' areas. If  it was just H,  I could easily sleep in forever in the morning with him, but his stellar sleeper of a brother tends up  wake up for  the day just about  the time H is finally calming down on the roughest nights. If you are following along that means this mama of VERY busy twin almost two year olds  doesn't get enough sleep. 

Does all of that sleep talk make you wonder WHY in the world I would even consider wanting to get pregnant again? Yeah, me too! But, I have hope that by the time I'm growing another babe both boys will be sleeping much better. Six months. Surely we can do it. Right?

Preparing to jump.... again

As I said in my last post, thoughts of another baby are beginning to surface. Its funny, these thoughts of a second pregnancy are a little surprising to me. When I think about another pregnancy, it is in thinking about 'planning' it. So much about infertility (part one) was being a slave to not building expectations, learning to live without a plan at times and learning to live my life by a calendar someone else handed me at others. And now, now we have more pieces in our puzzle. We have seen success, and we know what (at least last time) works for us. We have three frozen embryos which are similar in quality to those we transferred during our two fresh cycles. Both of those cycles I did become pregnant, at least briefly, and because of that, I am hopeful one of those three embryos will become baby number three.

In a perfect world we would begin the FET process in January of 2015. So, why am I already thinking so much about all of this? We have fertility insurance. And while I am very thankful that we have it, it does add more hoops to be jumped. Like the fairly common '1 year of timed intercourse' before benefits can be utilized. Though I'm not sure that applies to someone who already has an infertility diagnosis, it is still very much dominating thoughts of growing our family. What this all means, is I'll need to go off birth control sometime around Christmas this year.

Its crazy. 'Trying' for a baby just a couple of months from now feels a little nuts, but we are being realistic in knowing an FET is very much a part of our plan. This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't have any desire to become pregnant naturally- nor do I think it will happen. I have three perfect embryos that I would like to give a chance to, and I'd rather not push that out longer and longer.

The three embryos we have are something I think about daily, and something that makes my husband feel somewhat uncomfortable. We aren't big fans of those babies just sitting and waiting for us for years to come. And if we're being completely honest, we aren't sure how this story is going to play out. Will we try with all three (not at once), will one or more of them not survive the thawing process, will we become pregnant with our first FET attempt or will it take multiple tries, will any of those three embryos become our third child? I'm fairly confident in the process and I trust my doctor entirely, so I do believe the boys' sibling is waiting for us. But, the unknowns are somewhat daunting.

I'm somewhat worried about going off birth control. I'm worried I wont have regular cycles due to my PCOS and I'll have to resort to the very much unenjoyable progesterone to stimulate cycles. I'm looking forward to the possibility of another baby and our little family growing, but it feels somewhat surreal to be thinking/preparing to jump back into all of this no matter how far off it is.

I don't often hear/see people speaking about their frozen embryos. I think I've read just one blog post about a family donating after their twin pregnancy/birth and I know of one blogger who fully intended to try with every embryo she had, but as it turned out it wasn't something she needed to worry about.

I'd love to hear your take on this, or what your plans are, my fellow IVFers. Either leave me a comment, or post your thoughts on your blog and leave me a link in the comments.

A little of this, and a little of that!

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog. I'm not entirely sure why, but its happening. Its weird though, because although our boys are more mobile now, they are also playing together(ish) more and are seriously cool to go to the playroom for sometimes 30 minutes at a time without needing mama to be right there. It is pretty sweet!

Here is a little update on our life....

• H is walking pretty well, he still drops to his knees if he wants to get somewhere quickly, but right around 13m he really took off.
• A will take a few steps here and there, and can navigate a push toy like a pro, but in general crawling is still his main form of transportation.
• As my babies are exiting the baby stage, I'm starting to think more and more about baby #3. I know, I have twins who are just barely one, but its true. I have an appointment with my OB in a few weeks and while we are not even close to biting the 'IVF' bullet. I do have a few things to pick his brain about. We have new insurance and I'm not certain if we'll have to "try" for a year before using our benefits or not, but if we do have to, that means trying will likely commence very soon since we have an idea of when we'd like to do an FET-- how's that for faith in my reproductive system?
• Hubs started a new job about a month ago and LOVES it. It has been so nice for him to enjoy going to work in the mornings and be a happy daddy when he gets home at night.
• The boys are eating more and more of what we eat and it is so fun! Just last night we let them try stuffing for the first time, and it made me so excited for thanksgiving!
• A is getting some molars... its not my favorite, but I can't complain too much, my kids have been pretty easy teethers!
• We give the boys teething tablets from time to time, and H has taken to doing it himself. He looks so grown up taking his pills before bed.
• About a month ago Hubs and a camp-in with the boys in the living room. They slept inside out huge playpen together- seriously the CUTEST thing ever. They are doing it again tonight. I am so incredibly thankful that my babies have such a fun daddy.
• A & H haven't ever really been on a schedule, but all of a sudden a few weeks ago we just kind of fell into one. I have never pushed one on them- aside from feeding them at pretty set times when they were babies. Now, at 13 months, this is what we are doing:
• Wake up: anytime between 530am and 8am
• Breakfast: between 8 and 830am
• Playtime : from 9ish-10am
• Milk & Nap: The boys are still getting part formula in their sippy cup along with some whole milk. We've had a little trouble getting used to the milk, so for now, this is what we're doing. The boys usually nap from 10am-12pm
• Playtime: from 12-130pm
• Lunch: sometime between 1 and 130pm
• Playtime: 2ish-3
• Milk & Nap: they generally sleep from 3 until 5, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more!
• Playtime with Daddy: from 5 until dinner sometime around 7.
• Dinner: is usually between 7 and 730 because we've found they sleep best if they go to bed about an hour after dinner.
• Bedtime: between 8 and 830 we start the bedtime routine including diapers, jammies, meds and milk. They generally go down without too much fuss and most nights sleep through the night. Some nights a quick bath or shower is tossed into the bedtime routine, but we are firm believers in not bathing everyday. Our kiddos have pretty sensitive skin and we've found that every night is just way too drying on their soft baby skin! Good ting, because there just aren't enough hours in the evening for that!
• H has taken to pooping before he falls asleep for either one or both of his naps... every single day. Then he cries or stands in his bed and talks loudly until I come change him. Little stinker- literally.
• The boys went to the nursery for the first time a few weeks ago while we were at MOPs. I thought they would cry when I left... not so much. I thought that would make me sad, but instead I was totally proud.
• We had dinner recently with two other couples. One couple has twins and the other has a singleton. It was so weird to watch the kids. It was very interesting to see how both sets of twins just got right to playing and didn't need much interaction with the adults other than to kind of be close enough to check in from time to time. The singleton was more interested in her parents and what they were doing, wanted to stay close and was more determined to do things her way. After the moms got to talking about it was obvious that it was just one of those differences in raising twins- they just don't really get 100% of the attention, the toys or anything for that matter. While that kind seems sad, I think its also kind of a good thing.
• I'm trying to think of things to get out of the house for this fall/winter. We have MOPs once per month and a play group once a month, but I feel like the other two weeks need some kind of outing for the boys. Anyone have any ideas? I've considered the toddler playtime at a bouncy house place in the area, but its for 3 and under and I'm not sure if my boys are ready for that... thoughts? Otherwise I feel like the more 'organized' things people generally take their kids to are a little hard when you have two the same age. Our MOPs group does one outing every month that is for the kiddos, but the first two are outdoors and not really stroller friendly so they are unfortunately a no go for us.
• I'm fully embracing fall. Hubs ordered me pumpkin coffee and apple cider a couple of weeks ago and they are now my favorite afternoon treat. This week kicks off Soup Sundays at our house, and I can't wait to get a big pot on the stove top!
• Tomorrow we're going to the multiples consignment sale. I also look forward to it because there is so much stuff and on the second day most things are half off-- talk about amazing deals!

That's all for now, and really, it is way more than I thought I had in me! I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the change of pace fall brings. While I miss the sunny afternoons in the backyard with my babies, I'll trade it in for the drizzle and cloudy skies if it means the holiday season is right around the corner. I can't wait to see the boys experience everything this year!

$42,620

I know I've spoken pretty freely about the infertility insurance we were blessed with through my husbands employer. Were. Past tense, he ended his position with them last Friday and began a new position with a new company today. One of the biggest worries I had with him changing jobs was how that would impact our family building plans. With our previous policy we were VERY blessed to have 'full' coverage for 6 iui's and 3 ART courses of treatment (3 fresh or frozen IVF cycles). We live in a state that does not have mandatory coverage laws when it comes to infertility, so it was a huge blessing that Hub's company was based in a state (IL) that did have such mandates. It was a pretty big surprise to find out that our new policy would also have a bit of coverage. Though it isn't as impressive as the last package, it is something-- and money that we will not have to come up with when we are ready for an FET. Thank goodness!

In an effort to keep some info from our infertility treatment days without searching through EOBs, I took a little time today on our old insurance company's website to make a list of what we've spent on infertility and also a list of what was billed- since our new policy is a dollar amount instead of a # of cycles.

I kind of wanted to throw up when I saw that number. I talked to my mom last week and kind of off the cuff said without our coverage we probably would have spent about $40k on treatments so far. When I said that it seemed like a big number that was probably inaccurate. Guess who was painfully close to correct?

$42,620 for consults, testing, six IUIs and two fresh IVF cycles.

Oh my gosh. What would we have done if we didn't have that coverage? Found a way I suppose, but I am even more thankful now than I was then. To paint the whole picture, we only paid about 12.5% of that out of pocket-- most of which was co-payments.

Insane. It is heartbreaking to me that there are so many couples who are unable to do all that we've done because they don't have the insurance coverage we had and the money just isn't there to afford trying for the baby/babies they long for.

Thirty

Today, I leave my twenties... forever. It isn't a sad day, I can assure you, if I were still in the throws of infertility it would be an incredibly rough day. But, here I am, waking up to two perfect boys- happily skipping my way out of my twenties. Those years held some of the best of times, but also many of the worst.....

20: I was in college. I was living with my best friend from high school- she turned out to be not exactly what I was looking for in a roommate. I continued to date my high school sweetheart and our relationship grew and grew.

21: My parents threw me a 21st birthday BBQ. Still in college- new roommate. We had an insane amount of fun together. Hubs and I spent spring break visiting his sister out of state.

22: Became engaged, planned a wedding and graduated from college! One of the best years EVER!

23: Got married and honeymooned in Mexico. Upon our return we move away from our hometown. We ended up in a more metro area than where we grew up and we enjoyed being newlyweds with very few responsibilities.

24: Hubs worked hard and I worked as a sub here and there until I got a long term position at the world's worst private school. Looking back it was probably a good experience, but those were some rough months.

25: Started trying to get pregnant. It was fun right up until every female of childbearing age in my family got pregnant. Then it just got difficult. I was beginning to realize something might be wrong just in time to celebrate all of the baby showers. Cue a round of clomid to finish out 25. On a happy note, my first nephew was born just 4 days before my birthday.

26: It started with a hopeful heart- surely I'd be pregnant with clomid before the rest of babies were born... wrong! We did 5 more rounds of clomid and then decided it was time for a break. It was a dark and depressing year.

27: I finally decided one month exactly after my birthday (on our anniversary) that it was time to bring out the big guns and see a fertility specialist. That year we found out I have a thyroid problem and PCOS. In addition we did six unsuccessful IUIs, took a very short break and then geared up for IVF#1. This year was filled with hope, disappointment and longing.

28: We did our first round of IVF shortly after my birthday. I took my very first positive pregnancy test and was able to tell my husband for the first time that he was going to be a daddy. Unfortunately, just a couple of weeks later we also had another first- a chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. This broke me- but built me up all at the same time. I was SO ready to try again. And try again we did- just a few months later. With a second fresh IVF cycle I became pregnant with my boys. I spent 6 months of this year pregnant with twins and loved every last second of it!

29: I spent the first six weeks of the year largely pregnant with twins putting the finishing touches on their nursery and preparing for our life to significantly change. Then, on August 15th, the best thing to come out of my twenties happened- we became a family of four. I spent the remainder of the year raising my boys and with struggle and sleepless night came coos, crawlers and kisses so sweet they take away much of the pain and despair it took to get here.

So while it wasn't the easiest decade of my life, it was probably the sweetest. We grew and we fell more in love with each other in the hard times, but also in the good. We watched as we became mama and dada- my life changed in my twenties and that I will always remember- maybe someday the other memories will fade, but I hope I always remember how sweet 28 1/2 - 30 were!

Updates!

It has been so long since I've written much other than a monthly update for the boys. So here are a few bullet point to get things caught up!

• Insurance is still lame. I was denied by another company for a private policy, so we've decided for the moment to have Hubs continue working where he is. On the plus side, the infertility coverage remains, and depending on how long he stays at this job we may be able to use the remainder of our IVF benefits.
• Depending on the above, baby number three may be thought about sooner than originally planned. Likely closer to a year from now instead of two this is both exciting and terrifying at the moment!
• We went on a family vacation a couple of weeks ago. Nothing too grand, we just rented a great big house and hung out for five days! Relaxing and fun!
• I am still taking met.formin... on the days I actually remember. I was SO good about it when I was on it and trying to get pregnant. Now? Not as much. I'm hoping to get better about it, because I know it will help.
• My lack of summer clothing is somewhat comical. I was hugely pregnant last summer and the summer before I didn't buy many new things because I was doing IVF and hopeful I'd be pregnant and expanding soon. So, that leaves me with things that are a few years old, a little dated and worn out! Its time to go shopping I guess!
• Over the weekend hubs and I removed some furniture from our living room and rearranged it so we could add a large-ish gated area for the boys. They are both crawling and climbing now and we had to do something before I went INSANE!
• 9 month sleep regression... not my favorite. 9 month sleep regression coupled with two babies with a cold... a little slice of hell. 
• The boys HATE finger food. H will try a few things, A turns his head and clinches his lips. Any tips tricks, food ideas?!?
• We're in the market for convertible car seats and a side by side smallish (reclining) double stroller.... any recommendations?
• I'm so excited for summer! Farmer's markets, festivals and fun outing with my little family on the weekends- pure joy!
• We finally put both cribs back in the nursery- I love the way it looks!
• I currently have one child napping in the swing that I need to return to a friend- They haven't been in it in months because I was trying to wean them from it. Buuuut, mama would do anything for a little nap time with two cranky stuffy babies
• It seems insane that we are already starting to semi-plan the boys' birthday party! We are really excited and want it to be plenty special for our little guys-- I have approximately one million craft project to complete in the next three months.
• My husband asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I grew up. I responded first with 'am I not grown up?' and second with 'I'm doing exactly what I've always dreamed about. Being a mom and taking care of my family.' It is not always (or ever really!) a glamorous job, but it is pretty close to perfection in my book!

Thought Vomit...

• Life with twins in exhausting, in the absolute best way. 
• We are a traveling freak show. So much so, that when I go out and don't get stopped by at least three people I start to feel odd. 
• Watching my husband interact with our boys is one of my favorite things. 
• We know we want another baby, and I am absolutely terrified it wont happen. I think we're leaning toward not doing another fresh cycle for several reasons that I might share more about in another post someday, so its up to three frozen embryos, a spontaneous pregnancy or a change of heart about another fresh cycle waaaay down the road. 
• Laundry. There is A LOT of it. 
• Ever since the boys started sleeping through the night and dropped a feeding I've needed to be a lot more careful about what I eat. Gone are the days of this nursing mama eating anything and everything she wants!
• The boys are both drooling a TON, and constantly have their hands in their mouths. I am afraid for my nipples. 
• Once the boys started sleeping through the night it became very difficult to wake up with one of them in the wee morning hours. On the nights it happens I find it much harder than it was when they were tiny newborns-  I guess its because back then I expected it. 
• One week until Christmas. We just ordered our Christmas cards. Whoops!
• I think we're going to transition the boys from the co-sleeper (its a mini) into one of their cribs in our room this weekend. I have a feeling there isn't going to be a whole lot of sleep going on... for any of us!
• We are working on changing our spare room/office over to a playroom for the boys. It will be really nice to have a space to keep some of the larger toys. 
• My hair is falling out like crazy. We figured out my thyroid was way off which could be a contributor, or it may just be postpartum hair loss.... either way, no thank you. 
• I really need to sew some stockings for the boys....again, Christmas is in ONE WEEK.
• We've traveled for Christmas every year we've been married. This year we are not making the 2 hour drive. It will be just the four of us, and I'm looking forward to the nice relaxing holiday. Hubs is taking the whole week off, so we will have daddy home for a nice chunk of time!
• The boys take 4 or 5 one hour naps per day.. I can't wait until we can drop a couple of those and make a couple of the others LONGER! It is so hard to get things done!
• I would not change a single thing about my life right now. I am so deliriously happy- it makes me realize just how unhappy I was in the years we were struggling to get pregnant. 

The Haps...

It seems crazy to me that I haven't been back to write in this space for almost an entire month. Writing here used to be so therapeutic for me. I wish I could make it a priority now, but it seems like there are just too many things on that list right now. I think one day soon I'll find myself in a different stage of motherhood, allowing for a TINY bit more time for things like blogging... at least I hope so :)

In the meantime here is a short list of what has been happening...

• I had mastitis at the end of September- OMG, that business is PAINFUL!
• The boys started sleeping a little longer at night in October. We are no longer waking them to eat at night, but we still are waking up every 4-5 hours to eat. 
• We had a 2 month well baby visit and the boys are GROWING! At 9 weeks H was 10.3lbs and A was 8.11. They are still a little small percentile-wise, but to me H seems HUGE!
• A & H took their vaccines like champs and had very minimal discomfort afterward. In fact A was happier than his normal self...weird!
• We took our first out of town overnight trip to visit our families. It went really well. The best part was two hours in the car each way of SILENCE!
• Both boys have a new love for the swing. It is seriously magical and we've borrowed a second swing so both can swing at the same time! It has the same effect as their car seats- instant sleep!
• We had two little animals for Halloween- a giraffe and a cow. They were pretty darn cute at Daddy's office party!
• Speaking of Halloween, we spent a chunk of time at the OB's office that day. I was having HORRIBLE breast pain, but I didn't have all the symptoms I had with mastitis. It was determined I may have some sort of breast yeast infection, but I wasn't showing any symptoms except that nice razor blade pain while nursing. My doctor prescribed some AMAZING nipple cream ( same as Dr. Jack Newman APNO) and the pain subsided rather quickly thank goodness!
• I took a HUGE step and packed up the leftovers from our IVF cycle. They will soon be making their way to our RE's office for donation. Hubs was ready to do it a LONG time ago, but it wasn't until I had the boys that I was ready to give up the goods. We are fairly sure we'll do this all again, but it will NOT be happening before these expiration dates roll around!
• Packing for two babies is A LOT of work. I'm already getting things together for holiday travel. 
• I'm not a huge fan of the mini pill.... more on that another day. 

4dp5dt

I'm kicking myself for not writing down more of my symptoms from our last IVF cycle. Why, you ask? Because, I'm becoming more neurotic by the day.

Seriously, there is no fooling myself this time that I'll be able to wait until beta day (Tuesday) to know my fate.. At this point I'll be lucky if I make it to the weekend without peeing on something that has the ability to make some lines.

As for symptoms? They can pretty much all be explained by hormonal changes thanks to all of the supplementation I'm on. Buuuut, in case you're wondering, or God forbid, I have to do this ever again......

• Effing crazy dreams
• Uterine cramping
• A seriously oily face
• Random dizzy spell in line at  the grocery store
• Weight loss - with ZERO effort
• Extremely sore nipples
• Decreased blood pressure
• Fatigue
• Pretty serious aversion to toast (weirdest aversion ever!)
• The beginnings of a rash on my belly (3dp5dt)

For the record I had all of these, minus the oily face and the weird toast thing last time... And I was pregnant.

This is totally normal, right?!?

Effing crazy dream. Like for serious.

Last night the following things happened in my dream....

• Hubs and I arrived 3 hours early for our embryo transfer. 
• He decided to have an elective surgery while we waited. I stayed in the car during said surgery.
• The doctor who did my ET walked by the car while I was sitting in it, knocked on the window and asked if I wanted to have an ultrasound. He said he'd bring the machine out to the car. (uh, what?)
• Just then, my husband came out from his surgery and we drove away. We passed the doctor pushing the ultrasound machine while driving away. 
• We ended up at my parent's house (2 hours away) just before my transfer was scheduled to start. At this point I went to lunch with a bunch of people I didn't know. 
• I finally realized that I needed to be at the transfer, so I started frantically trying to call the clinic. 
• I could not for the life of me get my phone to work. It did look an awful lot like a tv remote and did seem to work with the TV, perhaps that was the problem! 
• In fact, my phone was so useless it seemed like a good idea to walk into a grocery store, cut a head of cabbage into quarters with a freaking sword and use it to call the embryologist.... in London. 
• At this point, I lost my shoes (pretty sure that is when I took off my socks in my sleep) stole a car and took about 85 wrong turns trying to get to the clinic for my transfer.
• And then I woke up... 

Someone please interpret that mess...

A Reply...

I received a comment on my 'Insensitive' post that I thought deserved a reply. I didn't have a way to reply to the poster specifically, so in hopes that she is reading- Amy, here is your reply! I hope you don't feel like I'm calling you out in anyway- I think your thoughts were well written and I can understand where you're coming from. I just feel like it is really important for me to put out there the feelings that so many of us face.

Amy writes (in black):
That's the thing though--some people really ARE clueless regarding what to say in those types of situations. It may have been insensitive, but it doesn't sound like she was purposely trying to be that way. (Agreed)


Like an earlier commenter said, I think trying to relate in some way is a natural human reaction. She probably doesn't know what to say but wanted to make you feel like you were not alone.The issue I have with this is, when does comparing situations EVER may anyone feel better? And for the record, I was alone, I was the only one who could go through that miscarriage, no one else was going to do it for me. I had to do it. Me. Alone. 


As for the adoption question, maybe she really was sincerely asking? I think most of the time, people who ask that aren't saying it like "OMG here is the greatest idea you've never thought of!" I think people are generally interested in if that's something you've considered. It might come across as insensitive, but I don't think it's inherently meant to be so. Bottom line, it came too soon after the most heartbreaking loss we'd ever experienced. There is a time and place for everything- days after losing your baby is not the time to be asked about adoption. No one wants to think about another baby when they are still grieving the one they just lost.

Having never dealt with a situation such as yours, I find my typical response to this type of tragic event is "I'm so sorry." Is that wrong? Should I be saying something else? No, you are absolutely right to say you're sorry, and honestly I think that is a good place to leave it. You can tell a person you're there for them, and offer a meal or a shoulder if they are ready, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them about your neighbor's sister's brother-in-law who it all worked out for- it is not the time. And no matter what works for someone else, it isn't going to change their situation. I tell people all the time, the best thing you can do for some who is suffering is meet them in the 'suck.' Don't try to dig them out of their pit of despair. Meet them there- be present. 


I can't say that I wouldn't have thought to ask the very same questions she did--I think those types of questions are a natural reaction when you find out someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe she honestly just wanted to know more about your situation and that's why she asked about adoption? Maybe she's secretly struggling herself & wanted to know what your thought process was? Again, timing is everything. Can we agree that if you just heard about someone's kidney cancer you wouldn't likely just say to them- well there's always donor kidneys. Sure you might eventually ask if that is a possibility, but hopefully in that moment you would just meet them in their heartache and not start throwing out 'fixes' right away. 

This is going to sound like a huge generalization, but in my experience, it seems like people who struggle with infertility expect everyone else to immediately know how they should act, speak, and think about the situation. And as someone on the other side of that, that's not the case. Often, I see posts discussing how stupid "fertiles" are and bemoaning people who celebrate their pregnancies in natural, normal ways, and what jerks they are for doing so. The truth is, I DON'T know what to say. I DON'T know how to act. But I strive to be sensitive and understanding. I don't know that the infertile community thinks everyone should just know how to act around someone who is struggling, but I do think as a whole we expect people to at the very least think before they speak. Telling us that you'd gladly give us one of your children- not helpful. Telling us that we're "lucky" we are able to sleep in because we don't have kids- not helpful. Again, but being present as a friend/sister is the most comforting thing you can do. Google is a great resource- don't expect your friends or family who are going though IVF or the like, to explain the entire process to you. Knowledge is power, and it will feel great to the person that you're supporting if you've taken the initiative to find out what they are going though.  


And yet, I still think if you are able to get pregnant, with the help of drugs or not, you deserve to celebrate that whole-heartedly. Absolutely! 


I think sometimes that understanding and sensitivity that's wanted by people struggling with infertility could go both ways.  I have to say, I think it does. Though I often vent about 'fertiles' on my personal blog as I would in a journal- more often than not I just allow the words and actions of others to just roll off my back. I get that there is absolutely NO WAY to understand the heartache if you've never been there. More importantly, people who are dealing with infertility are suffering from a DISEASE and grieving the loss of many things in the process. Theses individuals are likely not concerned about how THEIR infertility is making OTHERS feel.


I've posted this link before- and I'm posting it again because I think it is perfectly written. 

What infertile couples want and need

Insensitive...

Okay, on to the insensitive comment, or was it an insensitive gesture... probably both.

A little back story in bullet points:

• Our parents were the only people in our families to know about our infertility and IVF, except my brother and his girlfriend.
• We told our parents and 3 of our 4 siblings about the pregnancy right away.
• We never had a chance to tell my sister-in-law before we found out things weren't looking so good.
• After we were sure a miscarriage was imminent, hubs called both of our moms and asked them to relay the news to our siblings- cautioning my MIL that SIL didn't even know about the pregnancy.
• Hubs also made it VERY clear on both calls that we had ZERO desire to talk about what happened, and that we'd prefer to be left alone until we were ready.
• For some reason MIL thought that this was a good time to share our infertility with SIL in addition to the miscarriage. But either forgot to mention or didn't stress nearly enough, that this was not something we wanted to talk about.

So, SIL calls hubs (at work no less) and starts talking to him about the miscarriage. Hubs, obviously not wanting to talk about this at work (or at all) gave quick one word answers as she proceeded to shove her foot in her mouth over and over.

"Have you guys thought about adoption?" ...Seriously, I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. At this time the week before I was pregnant! And no, in all three years of trying, adoption NEVER crossed our minds- thank you SO much for the original idea, you're a lifesaver. And PS, adopting a baby is not going to change the fact that we JUST lost a baby that we were already completely in love with.

"We have some friends who adopted from a couple different countries, and all along we just thought they were doing the 'diversified family' thing, turns out they can't have kids." ...Um,okay but if ever we ever make the huge decision to adopt, it would not be in an effort to treat our family like our stock portfolio, thankyouverymuch!

"We've been trying for a long time too, but we haven't seen a doctor or anything. So, I know how it feels" ...Guess what? You don't have any idea how it feels. Unless you've been in these shoes and faced the same things, please don't compare... and even then, it's different.


The first two I find absolutely asinine, while the third makes my blood boil. I do not understand why people think that being able to relate somehow makes it all better. Can you not just tell someone that your sorry and not turn a horrible thing into something about you? Especially when it is really like comparing apples to oranges. I completely understand sharing with someone that you've been there, but if you do... make sure that you really HAVE been there.  Last time I checked, not getting pregnant from unprotected sex is not at all similar to not getting/staying pregnant after investing thousands of dollars and 1.5+ years into fertility drugs and treatments.

Needless to say, although I hate that the hubs had to field a call like that, we are both glad it was him and not me. I would not have been even half as kind as he was, and the holidays would have been very awkward this year. I haven't seen her since the call, and I'm trying really hard to just get over it, but I can't seem to forgive her actions. Perhaps spewing it out on the Internet will be the first step.

In a year...

About once a month I randomly think to check out my blog archives and see what I was doing the previous year on that date.

One year ago today we found out that our first IUI cycle didn't work. I kinda of remember being sad that day, but mostly I remember turning the other cheek, and getting ready to do it all over again. I was determined.

In the last year, we've faced a few more failures and a short lived success. Since that day, we've done five more IUI cycles, two natural cycles, and and a round of IVF/ICSI. I've received five more phone calls relaying the news that I wasn't pregnant, one telling me I was pregnant, one telling me I might still be pregnant, one with the news that it didn't look good, one saying the pregnancy wasn't viable and to stop taking my meds, one relaying the news that my beta was under ten, and one that it had finally reached zero.

What a difference a year makes.

Even though we are in the same spot... not pregnant, we've learned a great deal about our bodies, and we've faced challenges that seemed unthinkable. We are stronger for it.

On Wednesday I'll take my last birth control pill for our 'rest cycle' and we'll officially our second IVF cycle just a few days later. I'm excited, but it doesn't take away the bit of anxiety that is in the back of my mind thinking- what if it happens again? But, I keep reminding myself I have two choices:

1. Quit because I'm scared
2. Face my fears

If I learned anything from the trials last summer brought, it was that I'm plenty capable of facing my fears, and if it all happens again- I'm also plenty capable of pulling myself back up.

Winning....

Ha, hardly a "prize", but my missing period has won me a trip to the clinic this afternoon for a hot date. The Wand. Hopefully all is well in there and we can get this show on the road. The only good thing about all of this, is it just might push our IVF cycle back a tiny bit and we may be able to find ourselves surrounded by family at an actual table on Thanksgiving, rather than eating turkey TV dinners from the laying position on bed rest. More importantly, it might mean Black Friday shopping for me.... watch out folks, hormonal woman with giant ovaries coming thru!!!!

As always, I'll be back with the update!

Whoa!

Oh.my.gosh.

So the other day my husband and I were talking about all of the medications I have taken in the effort to get pregnant. He said he wished I would have written it all down- I looked at him like he was crazy and said 'I have!' So he asked me to put it all in one place so we could keep track, just for kicks. Um, its NUTS!

I of course have a list of ALL the meds I've taken, but for this I just focused on stimulation drugs and hormone supplements.

Without further ado, after 6 unmonitored clomid cycles, 6 IUI cycles and 1 IVF cycle...

Progesterone (pro.metrium, caps, endo.metrin) -- 18,600mg

Clo.mid -- 5,000mg

Fo.llistim -- 2,850iu

Men.opur -- 825iu

Lu.pron -- 175iu

Es.trace -- 70mg

Hcg (Ovi.drel, Nov.arel) -- 11,500iu

Just just so you know... that breaks down like this-
159 pills swallowed
78 injections- thankfully only 12 of those were in my rear!
111 suppositories inserted

... and that doesn't count 3 years worth of pre-natal vitamins, one year of met.formin 3x per day, antibiotics or steroids- that would add over 2,300 pills swallowed. This from the girl who took baby Tylenol through college because I could not swallow a pill. Oh, the lessons we learn!

Wowsers... that is A LOT! Lets hope there is only ONE more cycle to add to this list!

Next Time...

The other day my husband and I were talking about those glorious few days we spent in pure bliss expecting a baby. I can tell you, an hour probably didn't go by where we didn't just look at each other in disbelief and say things like 'we're having a baby' or 'I'm pregnant!' We spent those days loving each other and loving our baby. We told our families that we were expecting and were met with an out pouring of love and excitement that we had finally achieved our dreams. They were very exciting days.

I wouldn't trade those days for the world. They were the most perfect, simple days I can remember. Life was good, we had finally arrived where we'd been trying to get for three years. I wondered after our world came crashing down, if I had it to do over, if I would do it the same.

The answer is a loud resounding YES.

Here's the thing. Finding out we're expecting will NEVER be the same. Never again will I get my first positive pregnancy test and get to tell my husband for the first time. Never again will finding out we're pregnant be as pure of a moment as it was the first time- next time, though hope and pray there wont be, most likely there will be doubt. Doubt that it wont end the same way as the first, doubt that we'll make it to the first ultrasound, doubt that we'll make it to the second... you get the picture.

I'm already praying endlessly that, like the last, we can enjoy each and every day I'm pregnant. I'm preparing my heart for that joy, I desperately want to feel it again, and I want to honor our next little babe just as we did the first. I don't want to pretend like it isn't real until we get to a certain point, I want to celebrate each day. Easier said than done, but I've surprised myself in the past, and I plan to do it again :)

Thoughts on moving forward...

As sad as I am about our recent loss, I am ready to move on in our treatment plan. I know I've said it before and I'll say it again- I feel the best when things are moving. I'm a creature of momentum. If I stand stagnant too long, I become complacent and getting going again feels like starting over, which I HATE!

We haven't had our post-cycle meeting with our doctor yet (Aug. 31), but we've already started thinking about where we would like things to move once my body is ready to move forward. I did speak with our doctor quickly last week while she was doing my ultrasound, and she was pretty open to either trying an FET with our two embryos or doing another fresh cycle.

If you had asked me in the midst of our first cycle if I would consider another fresh cycle instead of frozen for our next cycle, I would have simply said no. Why? Honestly, I knew I'd get pregnant. While I was right, it didn't end the way I had imagined. I thought I would get pregnant, have a baby or two and then we'd use our frozen embryos for future pregnancies... never having to face a fresh cycle again.

Here's the thing... it didn't happen that way. Obviously.

So, from where I'm sitting right now, with the option of doing another fresh cycle or an FET, I'm leaning toward a second fresh cycle. I know, glutton for punishment. Buuuuut, I do have several reasons why this seems like the best option for us.

• We have two frozen embryos. There is always a chance that both won't survive the freeze. We absolutely want to transfer two.
• Our insurance "covers" 3 IVF/FET cycles. Both count the same.
• What else would I do with my left over stimulation drugs?
• We know that we would like to have more than one successful pregnancy. If we choose to do the FET and get pregnant, for future babies we will be looking at doing a fresh cycle. I cannot imagine doing a fresh cycle with a toddler or two at home. Talk about stressful!
• Finally, if we decided to do the FET and we didn't get pregnant or worse, had the same outcomes as this time, I don't know if I would have the strength emotionally/physically/mentally to then face a second fresh cycle.

So, it looks like our next step will be to do it all over again. I know it will be hard, time consuming, but more than worth it in the end.

As Promised....

The IVF aftermath....

Life would be just fine if I never saw a bottle that looked like these EVER again!

I think I count 23 in the picture, that does not include the multiple powerades consumed via sonic and McDonald's while we were out and about!

Again... if I never have to see one of these again, I'd be a happy girl. Although, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... buuuuuut, that is A LOT of needles!

However..... it was totally worth it for this!

It looks super faint on my screen, but I promise in real life you don't even need to squint. There are very much two pink lines. Something I wasn't even sure existed :)

And, here is our baby/ies first picture......

In the evening- 6dp5dt

To say we are excited is an understatement! We are cautiously optimistic that my beta on Thursday will be nice and strong!

(click on the pictures to make them larger... THEN you'll be able to see that beautiful second line!!!)

Things to remember....

If I ever walk this road again, I'd like to remember two important things.....

1. A heating pad changes everything.

2. A small bowl of oatmeal can make a significant amount of bloating "magically" disappear!

Oh, and maybe one more thing.... After 13 bottles of Gatorade and/or powerade none of them taste good anymore..... Buuuut, I'll do anything for these little babes :)

Today's Gatorade flavors include: fierce grape, arctic rush and a little grape powerade thrown in for good measure...... Ick!

Quick Question IF'ers....

Hypothetical question:

If you were in the process of looking for a fertility clinic/RE, and while researching came across a video (recent) in which one of the doctors referred to an IVF baby as a test tube baby, would you be turned off by that clinic?