Horrible Dreams..

I am having some anxiety surrounding our up coming "discussion" appointment with the RE. I am about 90% sure I know what she is going to say, she's said it all before. I know what is next, and if I am being totally honest with myself, I am terrified.

There are several aspects of the looming IVF cycle(s) that completely and totally freak me out. Each one of them was represented in a dream (nightmare) last night. Each time I woke up I found myself sweating, breathing hard and with tears in my eyes. Each time I woke up I would dread going back to sleep only to find myself in another horrible dream.

In an effort to just face my fears and stop holding in all of the anxiety that surrounds this topic I've decided that I should just make a list, send it off onto the Internet.... and LET IT GO! After all, it will all eventually fall into place, right?

Money- Although we have phenomenal insurance coverage, there are still several costs that go with IVF that will not be covered or will be pre-paid by us and then we will be reimbursed. Even though our out of pocket in the end will be trivial in comparison to what most have to shell out for an IVF cycle, it will still be financially straining which brings with it even more anxiety.

Telling our Family- If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that we haven't shared our struggle with our family. We continue pushing it off and saying we will tell them when the next big step happens... well, I do believe we are nearly there. Last night's dream was the exact opposite of what I hope and pray happens when we decide to finally share this part of our life with them. This is possibly the biggest part of my anxiety and deserves its own post- maybe next week. I need some advice on the subject!

Failing- I am absolutely horrified of the feelings I will experience in the event IVF were to fail. It is kind of 'the end of the road' in terms of fertility treatments, and I really have no idea how I would get over it.

Side Effects- This part doesn't scare me too much. I am fairly sure I can deal with anything for a few weeks knowing that it has the potential to mean great things in the end. But still, I think about it often and my stomach turns at the thought of all the injections.

Then, after dreaming about all of these things I finally fell back to sleep to dream about the "after." No, not a 'happily ever after' sort of after- it was after IVF had failed multiple times, after our families had said every single thing that we never wanted to hear, after we were completely and totally tapped out financially. There I sat in a living room that I didn't recognize as a person I didn't recognize. I had endured just about every fertility treatment and nothing had worked. I was broken in every sense of the word.

So tonight, I hope to ring in the new year and leave those horrible thoughts behind in 2010. I hope and pray that we all float out of 2011 with the desires of our hearts snuggled up in a crib... in the nurseries we've all be dreaming about!

Moving on...

The clinic just called. Another cycle, another negative. We are going to do another clomid cycle and sometime during that cycle we will have a sit down discussion with our doctor to go over the next steps. Of course we already know what the next step is, but it is a policy of the practice to sit down and really go over what IVF entails.
So there you have it 2010 brought us 3 failed IUI attempts, lets hope that 2011 is a little better to us!

Weird Day...

Today has been such a weird day. I'm currently 11 dpo and had to seriously talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test this afternoon. What is wrong with me! My beta is tomorrow, yet for some reason I was dying to test mid-day today. I am fully aware that this early it would really be best to test with FMU, but I still couldn't shake the idea. Don't worry, I talked myself off the ledge and the one and only hpt in my house remains untouched under the sink.

In other news, I have been feeling super nauseated all afternoon to the point where I am almost ready to just throw up and get it over with. Gross, I know. I am doing everything in my power not to read into this dang symptom which I'm sure is due to something else entirely, but that is sort of seeming like a lost cause at this point. Especially after I ate a little piece of chocolate this afternoon and had zero desire to finish it. I am a serious chocoholic folks.

I am hoping that it all means what I hope it means, but I am really trying to not get my hopes up. I really hope I am not getting sick right before Christmas. Sick because I am growing a babe I would be fine with, sick for absolutely no good reason.... not so much!

Tomorrow morning at 9:15 I will leave some blood at the clinic and a few hours later they will call with the fate of this cycle. Cross your fingers, say a prayer or just think pregnant thoughts that this is IT!!

Preparing...

In the last few days I've found myself preparing. Preparing for a whole laundry list of things....

... for Christmas
... for the results of this week's beta
... for spending time with my nephew and newly pregnant sister-in-law
... for the week of vacation the hubs is taking between Christmas and the first of the year
... for moving into yet another year without a baby in our home
... for the possibility of IVF in the coming months
... for the next pregnancy announcement (they seem to be happening nearly weekly)

and as I've been preparing for these things I have thought nearly constantly about what it must have been like for Mary to prepare for a baby boy that wasn't conceived by her own doing. A baby boy who was created within her by the same two hands that I pray will form a child in my own womb someday.

It is easy to focus on all of the hard things about this season when you are in the midst of infertility, but I challenge you to remember the gift that is at the core of Christmas. The birth of a baby boy. A birth that really should remind us that miracles can and do happen. Even in the middle of this struggle, I am reminded by the Christmas story where to place my trust.

Super fun weekend...

My last two posts were complainer posts, and I am tired of seeing them! So on to happier things...

Friday night my hubs planned a fun date night. We live just outside of a good size city where cart food vendors are becoming a huge craze. So on Friday night he took me to a pod of carts for dinner that was super close to a very well known walk through Christmas light display. On our way home we decided that we weren't ready to head home yet so we called some friends to see if they wanted to play games. They were just putting their kids to bed, so it worked out perfectly!

On Saturday we spent a little time with some family that was in town. After lunch we decided to hit up the mall and after just a few minutes inside we were ready to get out of there! The Saturday before Christmas is NOT a time to just stroll the mall. We ended up wandering a little which ended up to be perfect because we got to see a flash mob! As we were walking through the center of the mall I said to my husband "it looks like something is about to happen. I SO hope it is a flash mob!" We waited maybe 10 minutes and then it happened. A huge group of shoppers singing The Hallelujah Chorus!!!

Then, to top off the weekend we spent the majority of Sunday in our pj's watching TV and just hanging out. In the evening we headed out for a double date with some friends of ours at a local fondue restaurant. Dinner was great, and we were able to finish up our Christmas shopping at some fun little boutique shops near the restaurant while we waited.

It was a great weekend. Now, if only the next three days were just as busy! My beta is Thursday morning!

...

4 more days of waiting....

I feel completely and totally normal....

Christmas weekend will be the first time my family will be together after my brother and sister-in-law announced their second pregnancy....

I sure hope I don't have to spend the weekend feeling bitter!

On a positive note, I just have a couple of little things left to buy for stocking stuffers. Otherwise, everything is wrapped and under the tree! I love being able to spend the week before Christmas relaxing instead of rushing!

Is it possible?

Is it possible for my insurance company to get ANYTHING right on the first try? I seriously have spent hours on the phone with them in the last few months trying to sort out coverage on our fertility treatments. Don't get me wrong I am BEYOND grateful that we have coverage to begin with, but we do pay a pretty penny for it and for some reason I feel like they should be holding up their end of the bargain.

After all, if I don't jump through each of their pre-auth hoops then they don't pay. What exactly happens when I jump through all of their hoops, and they still mess up the coverage? Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not true that while the majority of my payment goes toward coverage (medical and pharmacy) every month, there is also a portion that goes toward service? Is it wrong of me to expect them to know what they are doing without having to call every other week to inform them of their mistakes? I guess I know how I'll be spending my Monday morning.... perfect kick off to the holiday week!!