Thankful...

Today was a good day.

I had a chance to catch up with a friend from college and as we were chatting, it became pretty apparent that we both were skirting the same issue. Infertility. Although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it sure is comforting to know that I have someone in real life that gets it. It felt great to sit for three hours and hash out everything that is hard about it with someone who both understood and wasn't awkward when it came to sharing intimate details on the ins and outs of this mess.

With my track record, she will probably be pregnant by next week. I'm OK with that, because for today I felt like I was part of a secret sorority of sorts... The Empty Womb Society.

A duffel bag full of rocks...

I lost it last night. Plain and simple....

Ever since my husband and I moved into our house my least favorite thing about it was the family that lived across the street. Their kids are SUPER noisy, whine all the time and they are just an odd group. So, last night when we arrived home from a little weekend away I glanced across the street and told the hubs that I was pretty sure they were moving out. Three cheers for quiet summer mornings!

Fast forward about two hours. We had been watching all of our DVR'd shows from the weekend when I asked my husband to pause it so I could use the bathroom. I said something to the effect of "give me five minutes." Well, five turned into ten as I was opening the windows on the front of out house for the evening breeze. When I returned to the living room with the huge smile on my face and said something to the effect of "I think it is REALLY happening!!!" his poor heart began to flutter. He said "what is happening?!?" and without a thought I said, "they are moving!!!"... his heart sank.

I didn't realize any of this until we were climbing into bed last night and he told me. It hurt. For some reason, I feel OK about the duffel bag of hurt I lug around behind me day in a day out, but it kills me to see the pain in his eyes. I know that our journey has been difficult for him, just like it has for me, but I often forget to step back and see that his pain is just as real as mine. Just as warranted and just as wearing.

I cried. I sobbed. I let all of the frustrations of the last few months come streaming down my face. We talked. We cried. We prayed. We held each other until we fell asleep.

Although I don't enjoy spending my nights sobbing and my mornings recovering, it was a good reminder, one that I needed......

I don't have to drag the duffel bag of pain and heartache alone. I've got a partner, and he is SO much stronger than me. If we each take a side and do this together we can make it. We WILL make it.

Today I am so thankful for a husband who wants the best for me, cares for me more than I could have ever wished he would, and mostly thankful for partner on this journey.

Cruel...

Infertility is cruel. I feel like I can't take anything for face value anymore. I know that once I finally get pregnant *fingers crossed* I will not truly believe it until the moment I hold my baby. I've lost ALL trust in my body.

So, on to the point of this rambling post...
I've got crazy cycles when I am not medicated. Crazy like 90 days long, bleeding that lasts for days or weeks and enough positive OPKs to build one of those toothpick bridges that you make in your high school science class.... make mine the Golden Gate. Seriously, my chart looks like a freaking mountain range with peaks and valleys all over the place. Today, just a few days after a period that lasted just shy of two weeks (shoot me now) I took an OPK and it was blatantly positive. Like so positive the first line was WAY darker than the second and about twice as thick. Seriously? I would love to believe that on cycle day 18 ovulation is just around the corner and that I might- just might have a normal cycle, but with my reproductive system's track record, I am not counting on it. Make no mistake, I've already alerted the husband that he must, I repeat MUST come home at a decent hour from his poker game tonight just in case the science experiment in our bathroom really is for real.

Geesh, the things we do.....

Blogger Award & Update

I've been terrible at blogging lately. I've been reading some of my favorites, but I've just not had much to say. I am 71 days into a never ending cycle. The good news is I think I may have finally ovulated 2 days ago, so there is an end in sight. Other than that, I am still in the process of being referred to an RE.


Thank you jrs at Find Joy Now for nominating me for the Beautiful Blogger Award. My motto for 2010 has been Find Joy in the Journey. So much of the time I cursing the journey that takes me from here to there, and infertility is no different. When I saw the name of jrs' blog in the blogroll of another that I read, I was instantly intrigued! One of the first posts that I read of hers was this one about some well meaning neighbors and their all knowing fertility advice. Hilarious. I don't know much about jrs yet, but I can't wait to read more about her walk down this winding path!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

• Thank the person that nominated you for this award (see above).
• Copy the award and place it on your blog.
• Link the person that nominated you for this award.
• Tell us seven interesting things about yourself.
• Nominate seven bloggers.
• Post the links to the seven bloggers.

1. My thumbs are double jointed.... just like my mom.

2. When I started this blog, it was private. My husband was the only one who had the password. It was him that convinced me to become public and share our struggle.

3. I used to scare my college roommate all.the.time. My husband is returning the favor. What goes around comes around I guess.

4. I didn't eat beef or pork for 10 years. I have recently been reunited with steak, and I've vowed to never stray again.

5. One of my fondest childhood memories is being chosen from the crowd to be in a parade at Disney Land on my 5th birthday.

6. My husband and I were both part of the same longitudinal study when we were 7 years old. We have become a researcher's dream. We are still asked to share about our life (paid, of course) every couple of years.

7. I have (and ALWAYS have had) a skin imperfection on my right pointer finger. My husband claims that he had NEVER noticed it until about a year ago. We've been together for 9 years, and now it totally grosses him out.

I am pretty new to blogging, but I've got a few favorites that have inspired me along the way!

I am nominating the following bloggers for this award....

Busted Plumbing - Too Funny! This blog is a MUST read!

The A.R.T. of Baby Making - She typically has a good wit about her, and is pretty honest about everything she is going through.

Growing Our Own Garden - My go-to for an inspirational uplifting post.

Young but Infertile? - Another funny blogger!

Bottoms Off And On the Table - Hands down my favorite blog title.

Infertility and Me - My very first follower!

Womb for Improvement - Funny... don't believe me? Try this one.

Random Thoughts...

Had I known there would be 85 hoops to jump through before seeing an RE I would have started the process MUCH earlier! Oh well. I needed a break; I guess it is just going to be a little longer than I had expected.

I’m not sure what possessed me to set my DVR to record Lifetime’s Pregnancy Pact, but I did and then I watched it. All of it. Anybody want to make a pact with me? By the looks of things, that is all it takes to get pregnant. I’ve tried weirder things.

My husband’s latest response to my MIL asking about when we will have babies (which is becoming more frequent with the day) is …. “they are expensive and messy.” She always replies that babies are as expensive as you make them. Ha. I’ve been researching what it is going to cost us to see and RE and be treated, lucky for us we’ve got great insurance, otherwise that baby would be thousands of dollars just in the production stages.

In each of our groups of friends there is at least one pregnant woman or infant…. It is all baby, all the time. I’m still trying to be ok with it.

It is cycle day 56 and it hadn’t even crossed my mind until today that perhaps I should take an HPT just in case. However, my BBT chart has more peaks and valleys than a mountain range… it seems like a waste.

You know that you’ve been TTC for awhile when the button on your thermometer is cracked and you need to buy a new one.

I have a baby shower invitation on my desk for a friend of mine that I have yet to respond to. I want to go, but I am almost certain that I will be the ONLY one there that doesn’t have kids. I’m not sure I can do it.

Busted Libs!

It is time for another Busted Lib courtesy of Kate over at Busted Plumbing. If you would like to play along, check out this week's Busted Lib by clicking the button on my sidebar BEFORE you read my Lib below......













How To Look Scary in a Rough Neighborhood

Step 1: Consider wearing a hooded pair of pants or socks with the hood pulled over your head. When people can't really see your spleen, they are more wary of approaching you. With your hood up and your spleen down, you become and unknown quantity on the streets.

Step 2: Look people in the left index finger if they approach you. Looking away is always viewed as a sign of worry. Feeling safe is a matter of displaying confidence.

Step 3: Talk to yourself as you kick. When people think that you are mentally unstable, they have a tendency to leave you alone. This may sound funny, but making people melancholy before you allow them to make you exhausted is a valuable weapon when you have no other defense.

Step 4: Walk vigorously and hastily without smiling. Walk tall with your thighs back and ear lobes out, exuding confidence that you may not feel. Even if you are lost, look and walk like you know where you are and where you are going. Confidence is the most intimidating thing that you possess under these circumstances.

Really?

It is pretty typical for me to wish that I had responded differently to certain situations. I am the type of person who doesn't usually want to rock the boat or make anyone feel awkward about a comment they've made regarding our lack of children. There are several reasons for this.... first, and most importantly we are still "in the closet" for the most part, and I'd like to keep it that way until I am good and ready. And second, with those that do know our situation I don't want to be rude or make then feel terrible for a comment that they probably didn't mean the way I took it.
One on of my first posts on this blog was similar, but recently I've been bombarded with stupidity so I thought I would share one more.

While changing the diaper of a screaming toddler...

SHE SAID: "Are you sure you want this?"
I SAID: "Yes."
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: "YES, and I know it will be worth EVERY SINGLE painful emotion, stirrup session, probing, and unkind word that I meet between now and then.”

Let me add that this particular person is one of the only people we've told about our struggle to get pregnant. I understand that this is not even close to something that she understands. She has been pregnant 4 times, none of them planned. I pretty much know for a fact that if she knew that her comment had been gnawing away at me for the past week she would feel terrible. That isn't the point. The point is, take two seconds and think about what you are about to say before you say it.

Especially to an infertile woman.